This is my favorite blog post (again from my other site) so far. Here, I blogged on how meeting up with my ex (named XX), after more than two years of not seeing each other, turned out to be one of my most liberating experiences, next to actually coming out to close friends.
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July 31, 2008
I wanted to find out for myself if I still love you.
It has been more than two years and I have not been able to completely move on. I have been trying to convince myself, for the longest time, that I do not love you anymore and I have had very limited success on this aspect. I have actually been preparing myself for the day when I would finally see you again - it was last night.
My heart was beating fast.
When you finally said yes to a movie invitation, I panicked but I was already so excited to meet you. I knew I had to look good because it was you whom I was meeting, again. I tried to figure out what to wear. I made sure I brushed my teeth (twice) before leaving the house just in case. I also stashed a pack of the requisite dark chocolates for you. I had long imagined the day when I would see you again - I knew how I was supposed to react. I had practiced what I was going to say. I had anticipated how things are going to turn out. I had even practiced my perfect smile. I had played the dream sequence in my head countless times - if my dream was an actual runner, he would be dead by now due to exhaustion.
I never stopped loving you...until last night.
It took several exchanges of messages before we were able to finally meet. I was scared that you might decide to chicken out. I felt nervous - a lot like going on a blind date. For the nth time, I practiced my smile. I told myself, everything had to be perfect tonight. It had to be as magical as the first time. There had to be sparks, no matter what.
Surreal but nice.
You sort of looked the same - there were evidently some physical changes but those were really not as dramatic as I would have imagined. You obviously had grown older and I can see some signs of stress probably due to consistent night shifts. Yet, in spite of all these changes, I still recognized you amidst the mall crowd. I smiled but I could not look at you - you cannot seem to look at me either. I told myself - awkward moment number 1. Silence. Dead silence. I remember asking you how you were doing - I am not quite sure if you blurted out the standard disinterested, "ok lang?" or you just smiled back? Did you just acknowledge my presence or were you annoyed at the question? I cannot remember your reaction because probably, at that particular point, I was still extremely happy, ecstatic even to see you. I was living my dream amidst uncertainty.
I missed you so much but the "magic" was gone.
Moments after I first saw you, I figured out the answer to my question. The spark that used to be there had already disappeared. The magic dissipated. The feelings that I had for you vanished and it seemed like I was on a date with a total stranger. I had hoped that by dinner, we would already have something to talk about and that the night would finally pick up; the awkward moments would stop. But I was wrong - there was more of the same deafening silence. I realized that this must be it - I was in love with the memory of someone from my past. Nothing more, nothing less.
The one who broke my heart is once again in front of me.
The silent dinner was ocassionally interrupted by text messages from your phone. This, I found quite impolite - my freaking phone was on silent mode for crying out loud! We laughed when I started asking you how you managed to screw my online account. I laughed at how you exerted efforts just to loot my online character of its belongings. I enjoyed the video you made which you showed me from your phone. I smiled at how you feasted on the pasta - I loved watching you eat. But, I still did not know you because you refused to open up and enjoy the night. You clammed up.
I breathed a sigh of frustration.
After dinner, I knew I had to temper my expectations since the conversation (or lack thereof) proved to be quite disappointing. This was not going to be the night I had imagined - the night I have waited for, for such a long time. I do recognize that people change but you have changed so little and yet the change seemed so much. I was looking at a person who looks like someone I used to know, err used to love, but not exactly the same one. I was with a stranger.I was lined up for movie tickets when you decided to check out the games. I told you I was going out for a smoke. The truth was, I could not stand waiting for you again to live your life, disregarding the people around you. I refused to be taken for granted again. A few minutes later, you probably noticed that I was bored so you asked for us to leave. I whispered to myself, finally, a chance to talk. I was hopeful. We found ourselves walking towards a misty bridge. Romantic. Good sign.
I prayed for a miracle.
I would have liked Cafe Bretton but you wanted Starbucks. I asked if we can sit outside, you told me I can sit there by myself. You wanted something cold, I wanted something hot. Silence.While sipping my hot coffee inside Starbucks, I tried to perk up the conversation by blabbing about a lot of things - you never joined in. I felt stupid talking by myself and not seeing any reaction from you. I finally told you that I was bored and frustrated. I told you about my dream and you told me to wake up. I had wanted to tell you that I already have - the moment I saw you again but I stopped myself. I told you I had no more expectations aside from us being friends.
Not anymore, I told myself. Never again.
For one hour and forty five minutes, I felt alone in the theater. We did not talk and there was no interaction whatsoever. You acted as if you did not know me while I still acted as if you were my best friend. You kept to yourself while I tried to bring you closer. You were not the perfect date while I tried to be the perfect gentleman. Nevertheless, I still enjoyed the movie with the rest of the people in the theater. I laughed with everyone else except you.
My heart froze.
We parted ways soon after the movie. You walked away while I stood still beside the road. I wanted to figure out where I am headed before I even make the first step. I was trying to analyze what had happened in the last five hours but I could not find the answers. One thing was clear though - there was nothing left of our past but memories. I have come to realize that maybe I cannot really love you anymore. I lit a cigarette and finally decided to call it a night.
Thank you.
I felt weak on my way back home. Two years of dreaming had now come to an end and I had finally woken up. I had to skip class and forego so many things to meet you last night but what I learned can never be learned in statistics class; what I sacrificed can never measure up with what I finally understood. If I may borrow some lines from the film: "something in me has changed and the change came as a surprise."
Thank you XX for last night - it was the best night ever.
Next please.
3 stamps:
Nice. If only all relationships had clear-cut closures like this. :-)
@vince
I waited 2 years for this. It was long and painful (and not in a good way). ;)
I have a similar experience to this. My first boyfriend and I were together for only a few months, the later part of our senior year in high school, but it took me almost four years to get over him entirely.
We ended up badly. He broke up with me the cliched "Wag mo na akong itext" text message. Well, that time, we were actually not boyfriends anymore but we still saw each other, still did the same things. It was just entirely complicated.
Then for the next four years, there were one-day incidents when he'd come over my house. We would talk about how each of us were. But lying there, beside him, didn't help me move on a bit.
Eventually, we would start kissing and the next thing we knew, he already ejaculated. Those days would end with him leaving, me feeling more sorry for myself, and him moving on with his life.
It was until recently, just last May, when we saw each other again. I invited him over, pretending that I was going to return a book of his he had lent me years ago when all I really wanted was to see him.
He had changed, physically, at least. And the person he had become was just difficult to cope with. He was different, four years have gone by and I didn't know what had happened to him in those four years. Yet, we kissed again. And we had sex again.
After which, we had very serious conversation. He told me how he was--his love life, his sex life--and I told him how I was doing.
I used to think that if there was one person I'd gladly spend the rest of my life with, it would be him. Then I asked him the most difficult question. I asked him if he did actually love me along time ago.
To my dismay, which I cried over for two days after hearing it, he told me no. He told me that he didn't think it was love. And that hurt, despite time. I guess I was pretty bummed because I just found out that one of the truths I have lived with my life turned out to be a lie.
But it was certainly enough to help me move on. I guess I saw no point in chasing after somebody who doesn't want to be with me at all. We're supposed to be friends now but he hasn't unblocked me yet on Facebook or Twitter. -_-
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