Twenty Four

I just wrapped up twenty four hours with you. Who would have thought, right? I had a great time. I had a lot of little discoveries and you also left me with a few questions - should we? could we? would we? 

I hope you really enjoyed the spicy pasta. Next time, I'll do better! I am sorry for taking power naps in between - although my mind is willing, the body is weak (and lazy!). I am sorry for the calls that woke you up - I know you needed to sleep. Next time, let's talk more and eat less - damn those calories!

With fingers crossed, I am ending the month looking forward. There's still so much that we need to figure out. Let's take it slow - there's really no need to rush. I know I can be too much to handle but I am glad you stayed. Pretty soon, you'll discover who I really am and what I am capable of (or not capable of, i.e. romance?). In the meantime, I hope that what you saw in the last twenty four hours would be good enough. 

Thank you for making me laugh again.

Lesson No. 2

"Next time, I promise to be a better date.", I assured you.

"Just be yourself.", you reminded me.

"I am... and I will.", I replied.

"And that's what I like about you...", you continued.

I melted.

*******************

Lesson No. 2 - Be True to Yourself

Note to Self: Remember that you should always: (1) be yourself; and (2) be honest with yourself. 

Lesson No. 1

"You rarely look people in the eyes... why is that?", I asked.

"I find it offensive... unless we're really close or I am trying to prove a point", you explained.

"Ah ok... yun kasi turo sa kin ng nanay at tatay ko....", I said to justify my observation.

I scratched my head in embarrassment. 

"Imagine if I did not ask.... I would have kept on wondering and you would have felt offended every single time we go out...", I continued.

"Yeah, good thing you did...", you confirmed.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

**************

Lesson No. 1 - Look People in the Eyes

Note to Self: If people don't look at you back it only means: (1) you're not their type (period); (2) you are their type but they are just too shy to admit it; or (3) they have other reasons and you need to ask why.

Goodbye Donut

"Hey, where are you?", I asked

"Krispy Kreme", you replied back.

My heart skipped a beat. I felt the cold air around me become even colder.

"Was fate playing with me again?", I asked myself.

I hesitated for a while. I wanted to turn back. I stopped to look ahead.

"I can't have my donuts - not anymore.", I told myself.

Moving forward meant looking back at my first donut. I wondered what made this particular donut special. I found out later on that the typical donut, glazed and soft, soothed my senses - it was a pleasant surprise.

My donuts became my perfect ending to stressful work days. It capped wonderful weekends. The sugar rush enabled me to be sweet. The carbs kept me running back. I was hooked. I craved it every single day. Everything came to a full stop when I finally admitted that I liked donuts.

I started walking. Each step brought me closer to where it all started. On hindsight, I now realize that my obsession with donuts was a huge misstep.

The place looked familiar. The steel seats were still there. The people were still a blur. I looked around. I scanned the place looking for a familiar face. I closed my eyes and prayed.

"Please let this just be a dream..."

I opened my eyes.

"No Tristan, this is your reality...", I mumbled.

I started walking again.

"Hey, where are you?", I asked again.

"I'm at the cake store.", you replied back.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank you...", I whispered.

"I'll see you there", I answered back.

I felt fear flow through my nerves as I took the first step to an unfamiliar place.

"You are doing the right thing Tristan...", I assured myself.

I looked back at the donut place. I felt my heart rip open.

"Hi, sorry to have kept you waiting..."

You smiled.

"Don't worry, you are worth the wait.", you replied back.

The innocent look in your eyes told me that everything is gonna be alright. With one deep breath, I muttered.

"Goodbye Donut..."

Starting Christmas

I am starting Christmas early this year. Yun na.



I am holding auditions this weekend for the "magical boylet by my Christmas tree" category. Come and sit beside my tree so we can find out if you'd glow.

To you, "I promised that you will... and you will. I will make sure you will."

Lazy Blogger Does Haiku

The future looks bright

But there is no guarantee.

Hoping for the best.

Welcome to my World

I am posting this for you - thanks for making me laugh again. 

You found out that I blog and you told me that you will be reading me from now on. It actually sent shivers down my spine. If you really intend to browse through these pages, this post would be a good place to start. Let me warn you that:

1.  I am not perfect. In fact, someone once told me that perfection is boring so I stopped trying to be perfect. Here, you will read things about the "other me" that, under normal circumstances, you would have never found out. I pray that you will hold back judgment until you get to speak with me. I promise to be honest but please, first hear my side.

2.  I am no mind-reader. If after reading my blog you still feel the need to know me better, please tell me. In the same vein, if you need to ask me something, please do. Don't hold back. I'd rather have things shoved to my face (pun unintended) than to be kept guessing what you are thinking. I refuse to read between the lines. I cannot read minds.

3.  I am not sweet. I know you dig all those romantic stuff that you probably experienced with your past lovers. If that is all you care about and/or if that is a major consideration for a potential partner, I suggest you leave now. I have never been sweet. I am incapable of remembering dates. I am bad with sweetness, period. I can try but I can only try so much.

If after the first three disclaimers, your stubborn self still tells you that I am worthy of your attention then all I can say is that you've been properly warned. 

Welcome to my world, you.

Make It Mine

My weekend is just about to start and because I have resolved that emo is really not good for my health, I am starting this weekend on a happier note. Let's dance!



Wake up everyone
How can you sleep at a time like this
Unless the dreamer is the real you
Listen to your voice
The one that tells you to taste past the tip of your tongue
Lip and the neck will appear

I don't wanna wake before
The dream is over
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes i... I know it
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes i'll make it all mine

I keep my life on a heavy rotation
Requesting that it's lifting you up
Up up and away
And over to a table at the graditude cafe

And I am finally there
And all the angels they'll be singing
Ah la la la ah la la la I la la la la love you

I don't wanna break before
The tour is over
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes i...i know it
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes i'll make it all mine

And timing's everything
And this time there's plenty
I am balancing
Careful and steady
And reveling in energy that everyone's emitting

I don't wanna wait no more
No I wanna celebrate the whole world
I'm gonna make it mine
Because I'm following your joy
I'm gonna make it mine
Because I... I am open
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I... I'm gonna show it
Yes I'm gonna make it mine
It's mine...
Yes I will make it all mine

This Is My Moment

So there I was, outside my building, smoking a cancer stick when a guy in red parked his motorcycle in front of me. He quickly got off the bike, grabbed his wallet and went straight to the nearby ATM. Seeing him distracted me from my moment. Yes, I was having one of those moments (in Filipino, nagmomoment ang lolo mo....).

My moments are instances when I actually stop thinking and start listening to what my heart is really saying. This particular moment dealt with failed attempts, missed chances, cold Christmases and perpetual singlehood. Too emo, right?

Anyway, just when I was about to close the topic and let go of bad vibes, I heard a song. The sound came from a source so close that it sounded like it was in front of me. I paused. My moment was put on hold. I looked around.

"Where is that awful sound coming from?", I asked myself.

I found the culprit. I cringed. It was the guy wearing red! And the sound came from the speakers of his freakin motorcycle!

I almost puked.

Here's the f*cking song.




P.S. (1) I felt better after a good laugh. Problem now is I can't stop humming the damn song. Ugh!; (2) Emo is tiring; and (3) Tristan plans to dance this weekend. If you also plan to be there, holler.

The Man Who Can't Be Moved

Changed

I walked very slowly to the gym today. I was really quite hesitant to go but I just felt that I needed to release pent up stress that have accumulated over the past few days. I felt that I have changed but I needed to confirm it for myself.

There I saw you again.

I was already on the machine when I saw you come in. It struck me as odd that I saw you wearing a white long-sleeved shirt, gray pants. I am probably just so used to seeing you with your towel on. And then I remembered, why not Chinese Dude, right? I saw you look at me. You gave a half-smile. I half-smiled back. 

"Why do you look so worried?", I wondered. 

And then I saw her.

She's almost as tall as you. She was walking by your side and was carrying a gym bag herself. She's pretty, CD. And then I realized. 

"Damn, she must be... gasp... the girlfriend." 

I was already done with my work out when I saw you come out of the opposite shower door. I smiled. You grinned. 

"It's the girlfriend, right?", I asked.

You just nodded. This time, I was grinning. I looked at you and started walking away.

"Goodbye Chinese Dude.", I whispered.

"I seem to have changed.", I continued.

And then I saw you.

I have seen you before in the gym but I never really paid attention. I am so dense! You were the typical buffed mestizo. I giggled. I can tell that you have been in the wet area since your skin was already pinkish. I looked at you from where I was sitting. You looked back. I felt butterflies in my tummy. 

"Oh no...", I muttered.

You stood up. A boner can be traced from your towel. I looked at you straight in the eyes. I remembered Lesson No. 1.

"This should be easy", I thought.

You dropped the towel. I was right.

"Oh my...", I exclaimed.

I watched you intently. You started stroking the thing. I continued staring at you. I checked myself. Nothing. 

"Have I lost my mojo?", I asked myself.

"Have I really changed?", I continued.

And then I remembered you.

I miss my donuts. I realized that I have not slept around since I realized that I have a certain affinity towards donuts. I must have changed. I must have... gasp... changed too soon. 

And then I heard you.

You were moaning. I was transported back to where I really was. I felt the heat of the steam warming my entire body. It felt hot but my heart felt cold. For the first time in years, I felt unready. I saw you take a step closer. I panicked.

"Sorry dude, I can't.", I heard myself say as I walked away.

As I was taking a shower, I wondered what had just happened. I closed my eyes. I listened to the sound of water gushing out of the shower. The water was warm but I felt cold.

"Have I changed?", I continued asking myself.

I needed answers. I tried to locate my heart. Head was giggling.

"How are you heart?", I asked.

"I''m still here.", my heart replied.

"Have I changed, heart?" Have I changed, head?", I asked.

In unison, I heard heart and head say,

"You are capable of change Tristan, you only needed that chance."

I felt the warmth of the water on my skin. Finally.

"I have changed."

Take Me There

Today was totally unbearable and I blame it on you, my dear tooth. You started to hurt a few days ago. I tried to live with it but last night, the pain had become so overwhelming that I needed help. 

"Try alcohol, it almost always works...", my doctor suggested.

I tried it and it did not work. Almost was not good enough.

"Maybe you should get a massage Tristan", another friend suggested. 

I was massaged but I was still in pain. 

"Listening to soothing music helps", a colleague recommended. 

My head throbbed. My eyes were red. I hoped. I prayed. No luck.

"You, my dear Tristan, need a root canal.", my dentist told me.

I felt cold all over. 

"Is that really necessary Doc?", I inquired.

I crossed my fingers and hoped for a miracle.

"You really need the procedure...", my dentist explained.

"Remember Tristan, I am telling you this because I'm also your friend", he continued.

I shook my head.

"Ahh... you're a friend...", I muttered.

With tears close to falling, I continued.

"I'll take the root canal Doc, it's the closest I can get to dying..."

Spilled Milk

Our time together was brief but the memories with you would probably haunt me for a long time. Who knew that what had started out as a chance encounter in blogosphere would end up breaking me, yet again. 

But resilient, I choose to remain. I have been here before and I still know the way out. I am still hopeful. After all, I am Tristan, the dreamer who still believes that his own happy ending is just around the corner.

Breakin In Two

I was alone when you came into my life
You’ve taught me how to love, you made me smile
But you are a drifter just passing by
No time to fall in love, just time enough to smile

You hold me and then, you leave me behind
What I thought was love, you said was just a waste of time
I cried me river for the hurt you left inside
I cried me an ocean for the love you left behind

Fools such I never know it
Caught in surprise, forever falling
Look into my eyes, see how they’ve been crying
Look into heart, see how it’s breakin’…breakin’ in two

But I’d rather be a fool than to never have heard you
I’d rather have a broken heart than to have a heart of blue
I’ll treasure your memories, I’ll treasure the pain
I’ll treasure our yesterdays, but it’ll never be the same, ooh no!

Breakin’ me…and you

Come On, Spill.

I was busy contemplating on the current state of my dating life when a message popped up on my screen. 

"Pre Musta?", it was from Chinese Guy a.k.a Jun Lozada of  "Too Stubborn to Give Up".

I only managed to reply with the standard response, 

"Ok lang, how are you?"

"Dude, yung T-shirt na hiniram ko sa yo, i-deliver ko sana sa yo...", you explained.

I was breathless. Spare me. Cut to the effing chase!

"Kaso naligaw ako...", you continued.

I laughed. I giggled. I blushed.

"Sabi naman sa yo, wag na..."

But what I really meant was... "Oh my gawd, isauli mo please... I'm here tomorrow night..."

Then you continued, "Madami na pala tayo di napagkukwentuhan..."

I nodded while smiling from ear to ear while typing away.

"Sige ano, ano ang gusto mong sabihin sa kin?", I whispered.

I typed back, "Oo nga dude, what's been going on with you?"

"I miss you pare...", I wanted to add but I stopped myself.

"Basta madami...", you responded. 

"San ka now?", you continued.

"Oh my gawd... oh my gawd... oh my gawd...", I was panicking.

"At home, ikaw?.", I calmly typed in.

"I'm home too.", you replied back.

My world fell apart. Why bother to ask if you don't intend to come over? Dummy! Then you started asking me about my still effed-up thesis. My adviser. My plans.

"Plans with you ba?", I wanted to ask but again I stopped myself.

"Plans?", I replied back. 

I explained to you my "plans" and we continued with the school conversations. At this point, I was already bored and you already announced your intention to leave in a while.

"Sige bro, I have to go.. madami pa review eh...", you typed in.

"Uh ok...", I replied.

"Muwah!", it was you.

"WTF? Muwah?" I felt a chill run through my body.

"Catch you later.", I said ignoring his last message.

"Pre, you wanna catch me?", you asked.

To which I replied.... "Sure."

I found myself gently shaking my head and whispering...

"Come on Jun Lozada, spill..."

The Day That Was

It was a rather uneventful night. I had a good dinner with a friend and we went home afterwards. As we were walking home, we stumbled across BF's posters. I almost puked. My friend laughed.

"BF - the elections are not until 2010 and you're face is already all over! I live in Laguna for crying out loud!"

Then my friend told me, 

"Tristan, no more plastic bags in LB..."

"Really?", I had to ask. 

And then I saw it for myself. I went to the local 7-11 and there they used... gasp... paper bags. I was impressed.

My relatively boring trip back home ended with a smile when I saw this billboard:

I whispered a silent prayer, "Dear Lord, thank you for Piolo."

Then a brilliant idea - "Piolo for President, anyone?"

Take A Bow

When is too much, too much? When should one take his final bow?

A Little Odd, A Lot Crazy, Extraordinary

"Sweetness is beyond you Tristan",  so my friend exclaims.

I was speechless. I just nodded in agreement. 

"Yes, I have been accused of that several time before...", I tried to explain.

"But, I want to... I know I need to.", I continued.

"Why don't we do this...", my friend suggested.

I cringed. 

"How the hell would I be able to pull this off?", I asked myself.

As I walked home, I tried to imagine the possibilities in my head.  What if he ignores me? What if I get lost? What if I am really incapable of being sweet? Worse, what if I get my heart broken, yet again?

I took one deep breath and executed the plan. My heart was pounding. I saw my hands shaking. I was excited. I was nervous. 

Moments later, all my fears have become my reality. I remember feeling cold all over. I remember trying my best to numb myself. I wanted to cry but I held back the tears. I wanted to walk away but I knew you would not come running after me. I stayed to pray for a miracle - there was none. 

"Charge to it experience Tristan", my friend tweeted.

"Charged.", I tweeted back.

To my friends who helped me craft the rest of that night, 

"Thank you for making me realize that sweetness is not beyond me."

And to you, 

"Thank you for breaking my heart."

Discovering Boracay

Today, I received my ticket for next month's Bora trip with some friends and this reminded me of my most recent visit to the island. I took the following post (or at least some of it) from my other website - this summarizes my one-great-Bora-affair with the great Bora Boy - and it can still make me smile.

********************
1st Week of June 2008

It was already eight in the morning and I was at the front desk of the hotel, coordinating the final details of the event I was handling. You called me and you said you were already outside the hotel waiting for me. I rushed to meet you.

You were wearing a white sando with "Bora" written on it, white shorts and slippers. You were tanned probably from over exposure to the sun. Your arms were to die for. I can still remember how you smiled. 

"Hi.", you greeted me as you extended your hand. 

"I'm okay...", I replied back as I gave you my "goodness-gracious-great-balls-of-fire"smile.

"Saan room mo? (where's your room?)", you asked.

"I like your style", I whispered.

"Come, let me show you...", I continued.

We started walking to my room. I can sense that you were quite uncomfortable - you kept on looking around, probably searching for a familiar face. I also felt a little paranoid so I had to ask.

"Dito ka ba nagwowork sa hotel na to? (do you work in this hotel?)"

You gently shook your head and said, "Secret"

"Talandeng ito...", I whispered. "Ano ka Deodorant?'. I smiled.

I later found out out that you were also from Manila and that you moved to this island for work.  You eventually told me that you were the front desk officer of this posh resort at the far end of the island.  I told you that I knew your manager personally. You cringed. 

When we reached the room, we got to know each other up close and personal. I lost all control. You exceeded my expectations - I was definitely impressed (and I am hard to please, you were just, uhmm... hard.). You definitely made me smile!

RING. RING. RING.

My phone rang. We had to hurry. We both knew that this call signaled my guests' arrival.

"Sige tol, see you around...", I told you before I flashed my "care-for-a-second-round?" smile.

"Thanks pare.", you replied. 

I looked at you and said goodbye. I knew you would never come back. You were just a Bora Boy - one of the many Bora Boys I would meet in the next few days. 

"Great start Tristan!", I told myself.

We continued to converse by phone. We decided to meet again a couple of days later for an after party. This time, I met you on the beach. I saw you were wearing a sleeveless shirt and board shorts - still a sight to behold.

"Nice view pare", I jokingly said to you while I approached you.

I almost puked. "Ang corny ko."

There was no need for pleasantries. We went straight to the agenda. It was a very efficient meeting and much like the first time, it was superb. I was breathless.

After six days on the island and two encounters with you, I felt so much at home. I would have wanted to stay on the island a bit longer but I needed to go back. As I boarded the plane back to my world, where slacks are the norm and wearing shorts is taboo, my phone beeped.

"Tristan, I am glad to have met you. Too bad we had so little time to talk. See you soon.", it was from you.

"So little time to talk?!?", I wondered. Then I remembered why. I grinned.

I am posting this blog for you Bora Boy and that one great Bora experience. I hope to see you again, in Manila or in Bora, whichever comes first. Who knows, we may just find ourselves less lonely. "Naks."

Oh and I will remember to bring you some nice donuts, hopia and KFC when I go back.


********************

P.S. I later found out that Bora boy actually has a girlfriend (a real live one with boobs and all!). He went back to Manila a few months ago to fulfill his "marital" obligations to the girl. I never saw him again.

Tristan is Back

I saw you again today. You were wearing your usual gym get up - a tight fitting sleeveless white shirt that showed off your muscular arms and those gym pants that emphasized your nice behind. You were looking at me with your chinese eyes as I came down the stairs. I melted. I tried to acknowledge your presence with a faint smile. 

"Don't look too excited, dummy!", I warned myself. 

I saw you nod. 

"Oh my gawd, it's gonna be a long night at the gym again", I whispered while walked passed you.

*********

I saw you again after my own routine and this time, you were already in your towel. You had just stepped out of the shower. Oh what a sight! I hurriedly undressed. I saw people cringe. 

"Hi, kamusta?", you greeted me as I entered the sauna. I giggled.

I smiled back as I scanned the room for another human being. There was none.

"I'm okay, kanina ka pa?", I replied.

You nodded. I took a seat at my usual spot. The warmth of the sauna eventually got to me. I started perspiring. My eyes focused on the sauna essentials - your great body, the perfect smile, those piercing eyes. 

"This is becoming all too predictable...", I whispered. 

*********

The warm water from the shower slowly massaged my aching body. For a brief moment, I forgot all my worries - the office grapevine, my lack of direction, the thesis that has remained untouched for months now, the pain of rejection, my shattered ego. I felt better.

*********

I did not expect to see you outside the gym but tonight I did. I almost did not recognize you with your clothes on. You approached me and smiled.

"Hi, my name's Christian."

"Tristan, my name is Tristan."

"Invite sana kita for coffee but I need to meet up a friend in a while... maybe next time?"

"Sure thing.", I assured you.

"Here's my number, keep in touch.", you continued.

"I will. I guess you better get going?", I replied.

"Yeah, see you soon, tol!", were the last words I heard from you before we parted ways.

As I walked away, your voice kept in resonating in my head. 

"Finally, Tristan is back", I whispered.

What Now?

I read horoscopes and find them amusing. Sometimes, it reads so close to reality that it makes me want to throw up.

TODAY: As much as you would like, you simply cannot be friends with everyone -- so why even try? It's not that you should write certain people off or starting being rude to people who don't fawn all over you. But you should stop wasting all of your energy trying to charm someone who just doesn't seem to get where you are coming from. Instead, put your energy toward the people who deserve your time and who give you back the kindness and respect you give to them.

I took a chance, I gambled but I lost. So what now?

Mind Over Matter

The bed was perfect - the white sheets were impeccable, the comforter soft, all pillows fluffy. The room had the perfect temperature. The scent of green apples filled the air. A faint white glow emanating from the laptop placed near the bed was the only source of light in the room. The sound of cascading water can be heard from a nearby aquarium.

"Everything's perfect.", I said to myself.

But, things were not perfect. As I slid into bed, I whispered a silent prayer,

"Please give me the strength to make the feeling stop."

I closed my eyes. I went to sleep - a dreamless night.

When I opened my eyes again, I saw the room already filling up with light. The morning sun had risen.

"What time is it?", I asked myself as I tried to reach for my mobile phone.

Half-awake, I tried to decipher the time.

I checked my inbox and I received a few messages overnight. Ordinarily, I would be excited to read them and find out whom they were from but, today was no ordinary day. I turned to my side and closed my eyes again. I refused to wake up to what I had read.

"Tristan, you will have a perfect day today.", I assured myself.

The alarm went off.

"Good morning!", I happily greeted the world.

Today is a perfect day.

"Mind over matter, mind over matter...", I muttered.

"Mind over matter..."

Confessions of a Drama Queen

The Queen had been ill for a few days now. He had been suffering from extreme exhaustion due to severe vulnerability. The Princess, a royal subject and a close friend came to his side to check on him.

"So you're giving up?", it was the Princess referring to a certain King-In-Training.

"I am worried that things will get worse for me.", the Queen explained.

"I think he likes you.", the Princess continued.

The Queen laughed. "Dear Princess, your Queen will never read between the lines."

"You know that I cannot read minds and even if I can, I refuse to.", the Queen continued.

"Enough of these rants", the Princess lashed. The Princess forgot her manners.

The Queen was stunned. The Princess suddenly became fearful of his life. The Queen eventually nodded in agreement. He knew the Princess was right.

"Dismised", he ordered.

Now alone, the Queen looked in the mirror and there he saw an image of him as a Princess. It had been more than a year since he officially assumed the throne and it seemed like not much has changed. The Queen still felt inadequate. He was still a Princess in Queen's clothing. But the job had to be done - there had to be a Queen and it had to be him.

Silently, the Queen prayed. He prayed for strength and inner peace. The Queen also pleaded the heavens for further weight loss, muscle mass formation, quick recovery from injury, more money, Krispy Kreme donuts, and world peace.

He smiled. With his most majestic voice, the Queen exclaimed:

I am the Queen and I am efffffing proud of it!

I'm Yours

I never liked this song when it was first shared to me by ArchieMD, months ago. I found it too tacky. But a few days ago, I was online with someone and I needed a song. I stumbled upon this again and I found it to be perfect.

"I'm yours" so the song exclaims... but really, the best lines are:

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love

There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I am now wearing my heart on my sleeve - much like comets, this thing only happens once every few years.

At times like this, all you need is a juicy.

Life in Full Color

I was barely three when my dad brought home my first television set. It was a humongous piece of equipment that occupied a big corner of our living room. It came with accordion doors which hid the TV dial and a big black and white screen. My TV was my link to the bigger world from my small and sleepy town. I remember seeing only two major shades: black and white. As a kid, I had no concept of gray. It is only now that I realize that shades of black and white resulted in different hues of gray. 

A few years later, when color came into fashion, my dad, once again, brought home a 21-inch television set. It showed my favorite cartoons in full color. For the first time, I saw how Astroboy and Voltes V looked like in color. I remember being one of the first kids in school who had a colored TV set at home - everyone else was still in black and white. I never got to explore life in the gray.

Growing up, I realized that no matter how I tried to live my life in color, I had to go back to taking a black or white stand. Grays were totally discouraged.  I continued to hide my colors in black. Sometimes, I find that my colors fade into white. 

When I first started working, I did not have enough money to buy myself a colored television so I decided to buy one of those cheap black and white portable TV sets which came with a radio receiver. I used to watch soaps in that small but trusty TV but my heart kept on longing for color. I knew that my life had to be lived in color amidst my rather black and white world.

With my first Christmas bonus, I bought myself my first colored TV set. I was once again seeing the world in color. I was happy. I started attending whites and stopped wearing blacks. I finally started to live my life in rainbow shades.

I have been blue. I have turned red. I have found myself green on several occasions. I still wear black. I wish I could wear white. I adored yellow. I am brown. I am purple. I am orange. I am still not fond of grays but I am willing to live with it, at least for now. 

Rainbow Collection: Formula 17

Since I have been quite busy lately, I did not really have much time left to indulge in one of my favorite pastimes - watching pinks. But last night, after a quick dinner and a donut meet up with someone, I felt that maybe it would be good for me to also watch a movie (even by my lonesome) to complete the whole dating experience.

Again, the ever-reliable Wiki summarized the film (thanks Wiki!):

Formula 17 (17歲的天空, pinyin: shí qī suì de tiān kōng) is a 2004 film which was directed by Chen Yin-jung (陳映蓉). It stars Tony Yang (楊佑寧), Duncan (周群達), King Chin (金勤), Dada Ji (季宏全), Jimmy Yang (楊俊明), and Jason Chang (張大鏞). It is a gay romantic comedy filmabout Chou T'ien-Tsai, a romantic Taiwanese male who takes a trip to visit an online boyfriend in person for the first time. Finding his internet relationship unsuitable for his real life, he moves on with his life and rooms with an old time friend of his. The film describes T'ien's experiences with his loyal roommate and his friends, and a surprising relationship that he develops with the local "Playboy". This film was banned in Singapore because it "portrayed homosexuality as normal, and a natural progression of society.

I enjoyed this film. It reminded me so much of what happened to me a few years ago when I had my own break up moment with an X. I recall that for a few days, I was staring into nothingness. I was crying most of the time. I was not eating but I kept on throwing up. I almost lost it. I remember being at my lowest point but I was fortunate enough to have good friends around me. They tried to do everything, short of paying a guy to amuse me, just to help me forget how painful the break up was. I later found out that the best way to move on is to move on by yourself, in God's own time.

I was also able to relate to the playboy's life. Watch the movie (link here) and find out for yourself. Enough said.

I think most, if not all, of us are still looking for that one special person who can make us change for the better. For people like me, who have been burned, broken and attacked several times in the past, it may be more of a challenge - I am not giving up. My heart (and now I am revealing) has somehow developed its own defense mechanism that, with any sign of love, it automatically activates a force field thereby shutting everyone out. So far nobody has ever been able to break pass the shield. Oh well, too bad. Life still goes on.

Formula 17 made me laugh, cry and hope for the best. Afterall, a playboy will always meet his match.

"Let's stop pretending, it's tiring...."

Too Stubborn to Give Up

OPENING REMARKS

You were already there when I arrived with the girls at my "last day in school" celebration. You were actually the first one who greeted me, much to my delight. 

"Hi Tristan...", you eagerly said. 

I smiled and asked how you were doing. I tried to control my excitement. I would have giggled loudly had I not remember that these people think I am straight. Duh.

"Doing great...". You smiled back.

I graciously accepted the beer you offered.

"Long time, no see pare...", you said as you extended your hand. 

He missed me. I immediately turned red. 

"Yeah, I've been quite busy lately. How did the exam go?", I asked.

"It was difficult, grabe pare... buti ka pa nga exempted", you commented. 

I flashed my "I-know-I'm-brilliant-now-take-off-your-clothes" smile and casually brushed off his last comment. 

"Ok lang yun, wala naman bumabagsak dun eh"

I KNOW YOU'RE BAD (YOU'RE BAD), I KNOW IT.

Amidst the revelry, I found myself thinking if bad english is reason enough to give up on one person. I whispered a silent prayer and smiled at you. 

"Kwento ka naman...."

I wanted to give you a chance to redeem yourself. I promised myself that I would converse with you in Filipino. You being oh-so-stubborn kept on responding in English. My head was spinning.

"Taga-call center kaya to?", I wondered. Blogger's Note: Just a personal stereotype, my dear callboys and callgirls, no offense intended.

After a few hours of inappropriate use of prepositions, subject-verb disagreements, and an utter misuse of the language, my nose was bleeding yet again. 

SEXAHOLICS ANONYMOUS

The batch started the "sexaholics anonymous meeting" with me moderating.

"Guys, my name is Tristan and I am a non-practicing virgin.", I announced.

"Hello Tristan!" everyone laughed.

From where I was sitting, I could see you looking at me. I, on the other hand, tried to take a peek at your chest hairs. I also focused on your lips - they looked sweet. I still wanted to kiss you. I shivered. 

"How many bottles have you had?", I asked you a few moments later.

"Six", you replied.

My brain went into overdrive. If I could just get you drunk, then maybe, just maybe we can uhmm...  play? I handed you your seventh bottle. Thunder followed by a devilish laugh.

WET AND NOT WILD

Since it was a pool party, there had to be a victim. I gasped as I saw you being thrown in the pool with your clothes on. You never complained. Instead, I saw you take everything off. I think I was the only one who enjoyed seeing you in the pool, chest hairs and all, wearing your undies. I love it!

You told me that you did not bring a change of clothes and that you needed to commute home. I felt bad for you.

"I can lend you some clothes. I just live nearby.", I offered.

Your eyes lit up.

"Tristan, thanks pare... I'll just return it na lang agad."

"Perfect.", I whispered. Now I can see you again.

"Don't worry tol, mahirap naman kasi kung uuwi ka ng basa", I replied. 

Plan A was in motion. I was smiling like crazy.

CLOSING REMARKS

Outside my unit, I apologized for the mess that lurks inside. You did not seem to mind. I gave you a shirt to try on and it fitted you perfectly. I was in dreamland. 

"Pare, thanks so much. I really appreciate it."

I was already feeling uncomfortable. I sensed a little awkwardness from you as well. 

"I hope to return this to you soon.", you assured me. 

I shook my head. 

"No need. You can have it", I told you. 

"It does not fit me anyway", I continued. 

I prayed. "Lord, sana isauli nya po para makita ko ulit sya..."

The awkward silence was broken when you finally asked for my number. I was excited.

"Just send me a message, when you feel like hanging out.", I told you.

"I will.", you assured me. 

In the end, I finally decided that it was not yet the right time. I felt stupid but I knew it was the right thing to do (or not to do).

"Will you get a cab from here?", I asked.

"No, I'll take the FX na lang.", you replied.

"Since I already know where you live, who knows, maybe one of these days I might just come by and surprise you.", you continued. 

I giggled and whispered to myself, "I will wait for you."