Redefining You

For the longest time, I have been dreaming of that one person who would sweep me off my feet and take me for who I am and for who I am not. Someone who would be able to tolerate me. Someone who would love me for simply being me. Someone I could connect with on various levels.

And then you came. It was perfect timing combined with some sort of attraction. No questions were asked. No labels were given (even if I felt that it was necessary). Mutual half-baked attempts at sweetness ensued. Both struggling, we continued on. You claimed me as yours. I shivered at the thought of being someone's boy. I gave us a chance.

I recently solved our puzzle - the forecast is less than ideal.

I am sorry that I let things get this far. I am sorry that I cannot give you what you expect of me. I am sorry I cannot love you the way you would like me to. I am sorry I may not be who you deserve.

I have always believed that love is not the bottomline of a person's likes and dislikes. It is defined, more so, by the connection that two people have - something that is beyond sex, similarities and physical attraction. Chemistry, is how some people would call it. I am afraid that this is what is missing - I may be beyond you and you may be beyond me too.

I pray for strength to let you know all of this. I wish for wisdom to figure out if this is indeed the right thing to do. I hope for a happy ending just the same.

Bored and Blogging

I have a million and one things still lined up at work but my mind has already decided to call it a day. So here I am - bored and blogging.

I miss the beach. Yeah, I know I just recently got back from Bora; the henna tat is still visible while the skin where my glitter tat used to be is obviously much lighter than the rest of my back. I have yet to outgrow my tan but, I seriously want to go back. I need my beach fix!!!

I am sleepy. I have not been sleeping well recently - I blame it on phone calls to home and extra jolts of caffeine before bed time. In any case, I have finally completed my effin planner sticker requirements! Now, red, blue or black?

I feel bloated. Free Thanksgiving lunch was served today and instead of the traditional turkey, we had lechon! Yum Yum. Thank heavens for Xenical; I feel less guilty. Now, if only I can just figure out how to blast off the carbs I just took in... Uggh.

I need a mask. I hate the arse who suggested that we do a Masquerade Christmas. The only good thing about this is that I was still able to swing a pseudo-fashion awards/Gabi ng Parangal set up with matching back drops, red carpet., photogs and video coverage. Now, I need to make sure that I look fabulous - I need a mask that does not come with feathers. Glitters are fine. Crystals, better!

I am confused. My horoscope tells me that I need to "try to avoid adding fuel to any fires that develop" and continues to advise that I "stay sweet and neutral instead". Sweet and neutral, huh? Doink.

I am justifying the need to shop. I want to shop for new clothes. I want to buy this and that and this and that. I seriously need a distraction. Hook up, anyone?

I am in love with Twilight. Or maybe I just want to see crystals all over my body too. Ganda... Enough said.

Hmm.. I'm still bored. What to do, what to do?

Nicotine break.

My Grown Up Christmas Wish

I prepare for each and every phone call to home these days. I know that once I hear a voice on the other line, I would then have to pretend that I am the rational and strong Kuya who can steer everyone to the right direction. Often, I find myself comforting my worried parents. Sometimes, I try to make them laugh. Always, I make sure that they feel that I am near even though I am not home. 

I refuse to cry for I know things will get better in time. It has to. It needs to. It will. I have used and abused "this too shall pass.." as I recite it every time I feel that I am about to lose hope. Optimism can also be good, I think. 

I have realized that through these trying times, when everyone gets strength from the Kuya, I get my strength in humor. I have to laugh to make sure I have the strength to make phone calls to home. When I cannot find humor in me, I turn to friends who can make me laugh. I love my friends for being the clowns that they are. 

As I slip into bed tonight, I whisper a silent prayer yet again. I pray that we can all finally wake up from this bad dream and tomorrow is already Christmas.

Beyond Coffee

I walked ever so slowly to my destination. I feel the cold holiday breeze on my skin as I traversed the narrow path leading to where the drink is supposedly the best. Every step was a move towards achieving one of my goals this year - earn this for you, yet again.

As I carefully watch the person at the other side of the bar stick on the mark of yet another achievement, I cannot help but feel proud of myself. I can sense that the reward, however common, would be worth the wait and the investment I had put in. I am hoping that what I have yet to reap will make you smile. I am wishing that your smile could somehow bring back the person we have lost somewhere.

To my dear sister, as promised, your planner will be yours soon. Kuya just needs to drink a few more cups of coffee.

Playing Boracay

I am on my last night on this island and I feel that it's a good time for me to look back on the last few days I have been here and reflect on some things I have learned so far. 

1. Never ever mix drinks. After several shots of tequila which I stupidly combined with other alcoholic beverage to satisfy my craving for alcohol, I was wasted. I danced the night away under the rain and ended up almost hurting myself (and others along the way). Moreover, hangovers are never pleasant. 

I have never been in love with everyone until last night. I love you guys! Go girls! Texans rule!

2. Everybody's gay until proven otherwise. I, once again, reconfirmed this last night. Girlfriends are never the perfect cover ups.

To you, when everybody thought that the body shots and lewd dance moves were just the beginning of our story, we both know that it was already the perfect night cap to a pleasant meet up by the beach. I will see you in Manila soon.

3. Never ever have your pictures taken while you're drunk and almost passed out on the beach. I will invoke friendship if and when the time comes that my pictures ever see the light of day! 

Dear friends, my Bora pictures should remain in your hard drives or else!

4. Walking is good for you. It is even better when you meet people along the way.

To everyone I met along the way, thank you for making this trip the best one so far. I will see some of you in the Metro and I will see the others when I go back. Till next time dear "friends".

5. Never fall in love in Bora. Relatedly, never trust yourself when you're drunk. 

I love you. 

I love you too.

I'm drunk.

I know.

Let's just make out.

Good idea.

Bill Out Please

My friends and I were having dinner last night at this popular restaurant by the beach when I first saw you. You were the typical help with something more. You captured my attention and I was hooked. 

"Hi, and your name is?"

"Joel.", you replied with matching smile.

"And Joel, would you have a number I could call later?", I asked.

Shocked at the direct query but still flirtatiously smiling, you gave in. 

"Let me write it down for you sir..."

I giggled.

"I'm off at around 1:00am", you told me as I received the piece of paper with your number.

********************

Fast forward to a few hours later, it was raining hard in Boracay. The lights went off. 

"Damn...", I angrily exclaimed.

I reached for my phone and remembered you and your magical number. A quick note was sent your way.

"Hi Joel, this is Tristan from the restaurant earlier. You free?"

To which you replied, "Yeah."

I called. 

"Hey, can you come over?", I asked.

"Uhmm, Tristan, I have a friend..."

And that started the story of your friend who's living with you who badly needed extra money to go home the following day. At the other end of the line, I tried to play along. I asked you how much it would cost me to get this friend for the night. I cringed at the possibility of purchasing something intangible. 

"Sorry Joel, I can't help you out.", I said as I ended the conversation.

"Excuse me, why should I pay for something I can definitely get for free.", I whispered.

"Ang ganda ko kaya?", I said in my most convinced tone.

****************

As of this writing, Joel's friend had allegedly left Boracay for his home province and Joel keeps on texting me for a hook up.

"Excuse me again. Waiter, bill out please."

That’s Not My Name

I was just about to wrap up my first day by the beach when  I received a message from a guy I think I was dating:

“Hon, pasalubong ko ah. Gusto ko yung tarts na super famous daw jan… hehehe tsup!”

It’s funny how one message can change one’s perception of a possibility.

NO, I am not honey - my name is not honey. I am Tristan, dummy!

NO, don’t call me honey. I refuse to be labeled sweet.

NO, there are no super famous tarts in Boracay, at least I am not aware of it. White sand, yes. Calorie-filled fruit shakes from Jonah’s, maybe. Pizza from Aria is a possibility. Cheesecakes from Café del Sol, a must. But NO, there are no super famous tarts in Boracay.

I innocently asked you, 

"Was that for me? Maybe not..."

You messaged me this morning saying,

"OA ka, of course it was you for you..."

Now let me tell you this, 

"My dear, I was not born yesterday. I don't believe you."

I have had enough of love, at least for now. I am calling myself a quitter and will be playing the game, yet again. Mortals beware - I play it well.   

Life's a Beach

The next sunrise will be seen by the beach. The sound of water splashing on the white sandy shore would be the first thing I will hear. The salty air will be taken in with much appreciation. The warm sun will be my refuge. The evening breeze will dictate my happiness. 

I know I will be happy, once again. 

I am happy to know that you have been waiting.  I will see you again and it will be like the first time. I will see you wearing the same shirt I first saw you wearing. I will be looking at those eyes that have captivated me before. I will, once again, hear you and your life stories. I will listen to your dreams and aspirations with much eagerness, just like the last time. I will see you smile and I will feel alright. 

I know I will be happy, once again. 

I have to. I need to. 

I will.

Almost

Having been burned by previous assumptions in the past, I never really took the latest installment as something I should seriously call mine. But now, everything is clear - my assumption is correct, ceteris paribus. Finally, I have learned how to read you. Unfortunately, I learned the skill a little too late. 

It was fun while it lasted and perhaps the next few days will be better, for both of us.

Oh and of course, a song:

Demotion

When someone demotes you,

Move on and demote him too.

At least, that what I would do

With some people I date, much like you.

A lover's demoted to a friend.

A friend to an acquaintance.

A date demoted to a regular lay

Who is no better than a stranger.

Such is the hierarchy in life.

Whoever chooses to stay will stay.

Those who do, risk their heart.

The ones who risk, end up happy, hopefully.

Today, I mark the end of two stories.

Two demotions and a bonus downgrade.

No harm done, I tell myself

These things happen, with no clear reason

One final comment though dearly demoted,

If demoted is what I have become too

And if demotion is what I really deserve

Allow me to return the favor - I, too, am demoting you.

Once Again, With Feelings!

Finally told you.

Can you be less you, for me?

Now back to square one.

Kuya

"Tristan, you need to call your dad", it was my mom.

I felt cold all over. My hands were shaking. 

"What could have possibly happened?", I asked myself.

As I dialed the number on my mobile, I felt tears form. For the first time in months, I was afraid of something. I was scared of the truth.

"We have a problem...", my dad started explaining.

"Your sister's sick.", he continued.

My mind went blank. I wanted throw up.

"Oh no, not again..." I muttered.

"Do you need me there?", I asked in my most unaffected tone.

"No, there's no need for you to come home. We just wanted to let you know...", my dad explained.

Hearing that, I immediately packed my bags and decided to go home.

"I am stubborn Tristan", I reminded myself.

I slept through the trip hoping that when I wake up at my destination, everything would just turn out to be a bad dream. I am an escapist by nature and I tried to escape this one even if I know that I cannot. I stopped for a while and took a deep breath before finally taking that first step home.

"Everything will be alright Tristan", I tried to comfort myself.

A few minutes later, I was already face to face with my dad. It was obvious that he had been crying. His voice trembled every time he gave me the details of the problem. It was then that I confirmed that we really did have a problem. 

"Oh no...", I panicked inside.

"Don't worry dad, I will take over", I assured him if only to temper his emotions.

Mom arrived with my sister a few hours later. Mom looked tired and worried. 

"Don't worry mom, I'm here...", I lovingly told her.

The look in my sister's eyes told me that she was not there. She looked like my sister and she sounded like her too but she was not the same person. She was pale and sickly. She was my sister, only she was not. I tried to control my tears, for her sake, for my parent's sake... for my sake.

"I hate this", I exclaimed.

But I was helpless. We were all helpless. I made the decision on my parents behalf. I tried to be calm and collected. Cool but decisive. Unaffected and impersonal. But deep inside, I was in an extreme state of shock, fright and panic. I searched my phone for help. I found several people whom I know will help me get through this. I found friends - life friends.

"I am still blessed", I whispered.

Today was not about how many difficult and painful decisions had to be made nor was it about how many people I know. Today perfectly showed me how blessed I am to have a good family and loving friends who will always be there to help me get through life's extreme lows. I rediscovered the strength I had inside and finally accepted the role I was born to play - to take over.

To all my friends who had been there in various capacities today, 

"I am and will be forever indebted to all of you. Thank you."

To my family who is worried that things will never be the same, 

"We will get through this together."

To my sister who is now struggling, 

"Don't worry, Kuya will make sure everything will be alright."

The Song

A message sent by a friend touched my soul.

"Learn to trust the perfect time so that you may discover that all the pain found in waiting has a magnificent and awesome purpose. In God's time, you will fall in love for the right reasons with the right person. When that time comes, love will be worth the wait, the tears and the pain. Then, you will forget that you ever waited."

The moment I received this message, I was stunned. I was unable to move. This was one of those "that's-so-true" moments that can change how one person views his life. Unfortunately, this did not change me - because I am stubborn.

You told me that I should just learn to be happy with what I have and with who I have. You told me that I should just let you go. You told me that I should not wait for you. But I can't.

Once again, I find myself frustrated by the fact that I am me. Yet again, I have disappointed myself for being unable to show you who I really am. Maybe I just love myself too much to allow myself to fall in love with the same passion that I know that I am capable of. I hate myself for holding back. 

If only I had met you earlier - before my heart froze - then maybe I would not be asking, 

"What can I do to make you love me?"

Truth Be Told

A tweet told me everything I needed to know. 

I know that some people who read my blogs and later get to meet me in person are often unable to grasp the idea that the man behind the blog is not the typical boy next door meets Chinese hottie stereotype. My stories, the people I slept with (especially when Tristan Tales was still in its previous format), and the gym logs are all true. Can I help it if I'm hot? Devilish laugh. 

The bottom line is, I don't owe anyone an explanation. I don't need to prove these people wrong. My posts are here for a purpose: to convey my thoughts, my experiences and my life in general. I am who I am and I'm damn proud of it. 

To the pathetic creeps who think that my life is too good to be true, I pity you. Please get a life and maybe just maybe you'd also have something to blog about - that is if you even know how to write.

Enough said.

P.S. Oh and you can at least say you're sorry for sloppily kissing me (and a few others) and then telling. Seriously, I don't really mind the telling part but the kissing... OMFG! 

Blue

Tonight, I finally decided to put up my Christmas tree. I wanted to be happy and Christmas is the time to be happy, right? I needed something to look forward to. I needed my Christmas to come early.

I felt so confused when I shopped for ornaments earlier. I knew I wanted white but I was attracted to browns, oranges, greens. I even considered red for crying out loud! Such is my desire to be happy. I continued my search. I wanted that one color that could represent my feelings well. I stopped for a while and admired the blue tree on display. I closed my eyes and confirmed the harsh truth - I am still blue so blue it is, once again. 

My tree last year was already blue - balls, lights, flowers, everything! I had just gotten out of another failed relationship several months earlier and it seemed but logical to use depressing shades of blue to mark another depressing Christmas. It seems not much has changed this year.

As I watched the white lights twinkle on my tree adorned with blue ornaments, I pondered on the irony of it all. 

Christmas should be happy but why is this tree blue?

I felt my hands tremble and my heart rip as I figured out the answer to my own question. 

I am still nobody, nobody still cares, and I am blue.