Puge

As I was browsing for pictures, I stumbled upon an old folder containing our pictures. It made me remember the full year that we were together. 

"X ng X ng X ko...", was how I would always describe you when friends ask me who I am with. You would always smile and say that you've had the hots for me since then - this would always make me blush. You called me "Wafu" while I called you "Puge" and we were both the "good guys" in our last relationships. 

I confirmed that for myself. You were indeed too good to be true and I felt that I did not deserve you (geez, me and my insecurities!). Anyway, you were nineteen, cute, had a great body, a fantastic lay, a loving partner, a superb kisser. 

You never failed to remember dates and had a gift every 10th of the month for a full year. Friday nights, I would arrive at my unit with you waiting by my door. You would then fix your things, wash up and cook dinner while I rested. You would offer a massage before bed and hug me tight while I slept. I would wake up to breakfast and a great smile.  I never had to carry grocery bags when we were together - you would insist to carry them for me. You would clean my house when I would be too lazy to move. I was so pampered with you around - I never felt more loved. More importantly, you found me hot - crazy hot! I guess you were crazy but you explained that you really loved doing those things for me. You must have loved me.

But I was unhappy with you - the connection was not there and that was something I cannot force. I was just too polite to break your heart but you were just to weak for me. I was then looking for an asshole, a total bad boy who would break my heart and keep me coming back for more. I wanted to get hurt for that was how love was introduced to me. I believed then that people had to get hurt to experience love. I guess now looking back, I was wrong.

For a full year, you endured my company. You waited patiently each week to love me. I would ignore messages. I would never call. I hated sweet nothings. I was not myself; I was an asshole. Great sex with you became less great until I finally felt that I was obliged to bed you. I never liked the feeling. I was getting less and less interested with you by the day. I wanted to get out of the relationship. But I was too scared to let you go. I was scared to break your heart. 

I promised I would never make you cry but I did several times. I made you weep in the bathroom every night even though you refused to admit it. But I know this for a fact - you cried because I treated you badly. I was uncaring and you felt unloved. I was evil personified for I wanted you to quit me. But you never did. I had to ask to be set free.

We both cried that night. I told you what I really felt. I told you I was unhappy. You cried and asked me what you could do to make it work. You begged that I reconsider. I cried for I did not want to hear these things from you. I cried for I know that you can never do anything to change my mind. I cried for I know I broke you and you will never be the same again. I cried for my selfishness. 

I know that no one deserves to beg for love and no one deserves to be treated the way I treated you. I also believe that people should be happy in a relationship to stay. Otherwise, it would be best to get out of it. But I also believe in trying until it hurts. And heaven knows I tried my best to love you back but it just did not work. You could be the perfect partner for someone else but not for someone as broken as me back then. 

The following morning, you packed your things and hugged me tight. I cried and refused to look you in the eyes. You held my face and kissed me. One final kiss and you closed the door. From my window, I saw you look one last time probably hoping that I would be there to bid you goodbye. I hid behind the curtains that you gave and weeped. If only things were different, I could have kept you forever. But I was broken and I was not ready after all.

We never spoke after that day. Later on, I learned that you had graduated from school. I also was made aware that you flirted around with several guys. Your sister told me you were so broken - it also broke your family's heart. Needless to say, they hated me for doing that you. No more news.

Letting you go Puge was painful. I am sorry for being who I was back then. I am really sorry Puge. I am sorry for breaking your heart. I know my apologies would never make you whole again; it would never erase the pain. Again, I am sorry Puge and thank you for loving me the way you did even if I did not deserve it.

It is now more than two years since that fateful day and the lessons I learned from him will guide me as I explore the world again. I still look forward to the day when my fortune would change - that one day when I would love and be loved once more. Someone asked me if I still believe in fairy tales. Without hesitation, I said yes. I will love again and maybe, just maybe, the next one will be forever.