Blogger's Warning: Emo post. Read at your own risk. I wrote this while smoking outside my balcony that has a great view of the Chesapeake Bay. Tinamaan ako ng moment, so emo to. Anyway, sayang naman ang words so ipopost ko na din. Again, read at your own risk.
Here's the view - note that this was taken around 8:00 PM.
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It has always been difficult to start over and yes, this is me starting over. I have conveniently left my comfort zone for good and have made myself suffer in the process. I still don’t have an apartment. I have yet to settle in. I still suffer from jet lag every so often. And most alarmingly, I feel alone.
I have met some of the smartest people on this planet; some of whom are almost the same age as I am (or even younger). I have yet to prove myself. It feels like high school over again. So this is how it feels like to be in the open sea. I miss my cozy pond. Back home, I am (I think) a star. Here, I am just someone who’s from somewhere trying to start over. I am just one of the thirty-one nationalities who work in the office. People refer to me as Tristan from the Philippines, period.
I have not made new friends, only acquaintances. I feel that everyone knows each other well enough to be friends. I am a new face – a total stranger. I am obligated to smile because I have to and to be at my best behavior always. I laugh because it is expected. I am trying to fit in and connect and I am finding it hard to do so. Maybe I am introverted after all. I am beginning to lose myself along the way or maybe this is me finding out who I really am. I don’t really know.
It feels like I am alone in this place with no one to turn to but myself. Well, there’s the family whom I can call every so often but I don’t really want to bother them with my petty insecurities. There are friends back home who still manage to keep in touch but again, it feels like things have become pretty disconnected the last few days. The reality is, I need friends here to get me by and unfortunately, till now, I have not made any.
I have mastered small talks. “Hi, where are you from?” used to be my favorite pick up line but these days it has become the only question that I can possibly pull out to start a conversation which leads to “Ok, I’ll see you around”. The extroverted me has become a wall flower of sorts. So if you ask me how I am, I would be brave enough to tell you that I am struggling.
Sex has become a distant dream much like true love. Whoever said that I would be able to find the love of my life in this otherwise strange city has never relocated anywhere where days are really nights. I can’t even get pass the first level conversations how much more invite someone to bed. Maybe I haven’t tried hard enough. Maybe I should.
And speaking of bed, where the hell are the clubs here? No one can point me to the right direction. Or maybe I am talking to the wrong people. Needless to say, I have yet to party. Can anyone help me find out?
Every night, I would pray that the next day would be better. I came here for a better life and I would constantly need to remind myself of this every single day. “It’s all in the mind…”, I would always tell myself. Ganito pala ang mamuhay sa Amerika.
So I guess this is me now. Welcome to my new life.
This is the Tristan in America.
9 stamps:
I'm sure you won't allow Ms. Philippines to not place among the semifinalists in the United Nations pageant that is your life now.
I have a tip which I think you won't like but which always works for me.
Hook up with a much older woman. Not for sex, of course. They make the best friends, and you won't be pressured to be your sizzling, irresistible, and pearly-white-teethed self. You can just be you who's lost and alone and looking for an apartment. They don't have to be high up there. Clerks and secretaries and the like are the best choices. They know where to shop, and eat, and they have lots of nephews who have lots of friends.
Although, of course, you can always do the shortcut and storm the clubs via Google.
look on the bright side.... isipin mo nalang kung sa bansang hindi ingles ang lenguaheng gamit ka pumunta.... eh d mas mahirap....
patugtog ka ng with a smile ng Eheads
") dont worry tristan.... umpisa lang yan... bukas makalawa mararamdaman mo na yung bago at mas masayang buhay na pinapangarap mo....
ingat lagi.....")
Same thoughts I had seven years ago. Every new day will be better, Tristan. Your roots will grow and in no time you will establish bridges. And pretty soon, you will be living your life here in the States just like how you lived it in the Phils. Who knows, it may be even more exciting.
It takes time to spread your wings. Trust me, Filipinos are resilient. In no time, you will be flying.
;)
ps. Been following your blog (and some others). I look forward to your blog updates. They're very entertaining and thought-provoking.
Allan in Texas
its the path you chose to take. sadly, there's no turning back. don't rush. it's just been 2 weeks, cristina. it happens. first month jitters. you'll get along im sure. and remember, we are just a phone call away... and your friend is just 4-hour drive away from you. Ill see you in 2 weeks. Ill be spending the 4th of July in Penny.
i can feel you. i share the same sentiments 5 years ago.
hugs.
hi T. *hugs*
i dunno if i already shared this to you, but lately i have been trying to stay away from cigarettes. what i do is to know why i smoke in the first place. and then when the urge comes, i acknowledge it. then i try to think of something other than smoking that will help accomplish in me what smoking does, for example, the other night i opted for some chips and iced tea. it did the trick for me, but is not that, er, more harmful.
what i am getting it is that i guess you can start by acknowledging that indeed you're lonely. then pace yourself, don't get too enthusiastic to rebound. just let it flow naturally. from experience when something happens naturally it is usually better. then, try to stay away from things that can appear to save you from loneliness but make you feel emptier, for example, meaningless clubbing. for the meantime if you're into like just having coffee while reading a book or even blogging, in a nice view, then do that, if it helps you feel better.
this may or may not help you, in experience you're way, way too older than me. but in any case, i hope my message is clear: that i hope you get better in time (can we hear some Leona Lewis in the background? :D)
you'll make it through, i'm sure :)
You are tough and hardy. You will survive Tristan.
Set sail into the open sea. Make us proud.
Sa una lang po yan.. You seem such a smart person, i think you can pull this off..
Hi Tristan,
Just take it a day at a time. Don't expect everything to fall into place in an instant. I'm sure you have expected adjustments like these even before you stepped out of your comfort zone.
Friendships are never born in a day. Soon, in time and experiences, you will find a friend or two. Partners? Maybe this isn't the time yet sine you have not fully settled down. Get a foothold first because this is not your territory.
What you have done so far is admirable. You are experiencing what any one person has experienced when they move to a new city/ province/ country. Just hang on there and trust that it will all work out for the best.
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