Far and Away

It finally hit me.

After two months, I finally felt the pangs of homesickness.

I miss home. I miss my friends. I miss carefree nights hanging out with friends and not having to worry about how I'd get home. I miss my cabbies. I miss my boys. I miss Megamall. I miss my Ministop chicken. I miss Jollibee Champ and my birthday spaghetti. I miss Boracay, my happy place. Surprisingly, I miss the pretentious BED scene. I miss my dancing buddies. I miss my old life.

But what sucks is that homesickness usually hits when I least expect it - while waiting for the bus, while doing the grocery, in line for movie tickets, shopping at fancy shmancy stores. It just hits and the next thing I'd know is that I'm dead.

Then I'd find myself wishing - seriously wishing for powers of teleportation. I'd wish that a quick trip on a bus gets me back home. But it does not. It cannot. It drains me to be this far away from everyone and everything that mean something. And it kills me that the serious cash that I am making does not and cannot compensate for the level of unhappiness that has hit me since a few days ago. And no amount of sex can ever get me there.

Running helps, it tires me out. But sometimes, I find myself in tears. I cry for my aching limbs as well as for things that I cannot change. I run for the frustrations. I run for my helplessness. I run to numb myself. Most of the time, I find myself praying while running; wishing for the courage to accept the things I cannot change and the strength to persevere. I wish that effin endorphins can finally make me happy.

Everyday, I write - just so I don't feel alone; just so I can get through the day knowing that I have friends back home who still give a damn. It's hard to live your life knowing that nobody really cares. Here, one can go crazy and all you'd hear is a fake "how are you doing?". Nobody really gives a damn. I guess I am just lucky to consider a handful of you as friends - those who chose to be real. You guys still keep me sane.

Maybe things will get better soon; maybe I'd finally get over my old life, much as I have gotten over many things in the past. But, in the meantime, please excuse me - I am done writing and I now need to run.