I Want To Know What Love Is

My most recent post started with a declaration - that I have fallen in love twice in the last year. Reading it several times over and getting overwhelmed by the reactions that I have gathered from some of you (Blogger's Note: Thank you very much!) got me thinking - have I really ever fallen in love? Am I just confusing the feelings I have experienced so far with love? And yes, the basic question, what is love?

I guess to answer the fairly basic questions above, I felt that it was but appropriate to do some introspection. Since I had decided to ditch the clubs tonight and just stay in, I had the time and the energy to do a quick soul search. I tried to recall some of my failed attempts at love and I analyzed each one based on how they had impacted me.

In order for me to know what love is, I needed to answer this question - what have I confused love to be so far?

I have had crushes in the past - the ones that you feel that you actually love them but in reality, you just like seeing them. Gay as I am, I am still as visual as any other straight guy in this world. So yes, most of the time, my crushes are often just those people who are appealing to the eyes err... senses. So I guess "attraction" does not equal love.

And then someone told me that he loved me - for all my imperfections, someone said that he actually loved me, wow. I felt weak in the knees and I suddenly had this warm and fuzzy feeling inside me and no, it was not orgasm, at least not yet. The relationship did not last and now, looking back, I had probably felt "acceptance" and not love.

And then there was this guy who had professed his "love" in such a grand way that I felt really important. I had somehow charmed my way to his heart so he and I became quite the celebrity couple back then. This guy treated me like a king - and yes, I gladly returned the favor. In the end, I must have mistaken "importance" for love because, much like acceptance, it did not last.

And then there was this boy who still remains as one of my best fucks in the world. We'd fuck like crazy every single time - and then we dated. And yes, it felt really good. He treated me like a slut but showered me with "love" just the same. I felt loved or so I thought I did. But now, looking back, it was just "lust". And yes, lust was not love.

And then there was this guy who made my life hell for some time. He was unattainable - someone I thought was beyond me. But, because I was innately persistent, I had managed to break through his defenses. He became "love". This boy helped me become a "better man" or so I believed. I aspired to be the man he wanted me to be under the guise of "love". But in reality, I just wanted to be prove myself worthy of his time. He was just a "challenge" and now, looking back, it was not love.

And then there was another guy who had "loved" me for who I was and who I was not. Needless to say, he was madly attracted to me. He also made me feel very important. Lust was never an issue and yes, I was his daily challenge. Our relationship was a losing battle - there were so many levels of incompatibility - but we continued trying. We had confused love with something else, pride. We did not want to fail ourselves - but we did, eventually.

And then there was this boy who I thought I had fallen in love with. He was actually quite a charmer - eloquent, fun and fairly decent looking. He was someone I could have seen myself grow old with (Blogger's Note: Now this makes me want to throw up...)- give or take a few minor adjustments. He was just like me, only different. It never worked out - what I had thought as love was something else - it was friendship. And yes, friendship does not equal romantic love.

And then finally this guy - very elusive and an untamed creature. Someone so many people desired. He was a challenge. I was attracted to him- and yes, I lusted after him. He made me feel important and he was a friend too, or so I thought. Of course, it never worked out - now it seems, that desire, even with all its permutations, is not love.

So now, I am stuck. After so many years of being in and out of "love", I am now at a loss. I now need a clearer definition of love - something beyond textbook, love notes and emo blogs.

I want to know what love is. I want you to show me.