My Happy Endings

Earlier today, I posted mush. I pulled it out. It did not feel right and it was just too much for my cynical self. I am not there yet but it's getting warm. In the meantime and before I go mush sometime soon, all over again, let me revisit the classic lines that I have heard through the years - just for fun.

It usually starts with the "We need to talk" bit - sad face, red eyes, and all (sometimes, it's just a sad smiley if there's such an animal). And then it progresses to the "I don't want to hurt you but..." line that most often comes with a few tears. And then after that, it's all bullshit. Bullshit, I tell you - the ones that have been said in countless of ways to millions of helpless lovers just before dumping begins. Nakakainit ng ulo, promise. Haha.

"It's not you, it's me." - Just the thought of hearing this line over again makes me wanna hurl. Thank you for pointing this out but of course, it's not me dumbo! It's you. It's your fault, you're the one who's never satisfied. You're as itchy as a drying wound for crying out loud! So my dear, it's definitely not me, it's you.

Oh and the funniest overused line, "I need space". Astronaut ka bang hayup ka? My head hurts, I need ed-vil... please. You effin live in a different zip code, how much space do you need? If there's anyone who should beg for space, it should be me - you are hogging my bed. Damn you, I-Need-Space.

And of course, if there is space, there is time. "I need time." Fuma Ley-ar ikaw ba yan? Time-Space Warp, ngayon din! Punyeta naman o, time for what? Time to fool around? Time to think? Bobo ka ba at kelangan mo ng time to think? Time to sort things out? Labandera ka ba, puta ka? Umiinit na naman ang ulo ko, forgive me. Haha.

Oh and who would forget this, "You deserve better.". Of course I do! But, you are not in the position to tell me that. I have to find it out for myself. Besides, you barely know how my mind works. I know what I deserve. You don't. It's that simple. Ikaw na nga ang pinagtyatyagaan, nagiinarte ka pa? Punyeta ka.

And this is funny: "I need to find myself first." Are you lost? Haha. Its cousin, the "I don't know what I want." bit also makes me want just faint. Of course you do, puta ka. You want someone else and you don't want me - it's quite simple, really. Please stop sugarcoating break ups.

And speaking of sugarcoats, "Let's still be friends..." - one big "NO EFFIN WAY!!!". If you can't be my boyfriend, I can't be your friend (now repeat...). Malas mo!

And finally, "Who knows, we might still end up together in the future?" is just utmost cruelty.

Break ups are never easy but it can be quite simple. Tell it as it is. Be man enough to admit what you really think (and feel) and end it. Don't promise a future that will never be. Never hide behind sugar coated break up lines. And please, try to be a little more creative - how one handles his break ups say so much about one's character.

And if ever you'd find yourself at the receiving end of crappy break up lines, just take it as it is, get a good laugh, curse even but, face the fact that he's just not that into you. Remember, unlike in fairy tales, there is no such thing as a happy ending in real life - unless it's an orgasm.