Past and Future Tenses

Almost a year after that fateful day, I can barely remember our story. If not for this blog, I would have probably forgotten the specifics of my time with you. And this is probably the reason why I found it weird that last night, I dreamt of you again.

I remember feeling tight-chested and being barely able to breathe. I tossed and turned. I may have even shed a tear; I was not really sure. But, I was certain that I felt pain - that familiar stabbing pain - the kind that one feels just after a broken heart. It felt so real even when I was asleep. It was not until the time I heard the alarm go off did I realize that everything was just a dream; that much like you, it was not real.

To be perfectly honest, no matter how hard I try, I simply can't allow myself to forget everything. I still feel the need to be constantly reminded of how it was so that I can prevent it from ever happening to me again. I think I have already learned my lessons.

Looking back, I might have acted a bit impulsively. I may have allowed myself to fall without thinking just so I could experience the feeling once again. I think all I really wanted then was to fall in love - luckily, you were there. I may have ignored all tell-tale signs of doom. I may have romanticized each and every single gesture that might read good. I might have painted a picture of a perfect romance with all the bells and whistles. I may have dreamed a fairy tale that consisted of my own prince charming, a song, and a happily ever after. I might have fallen in love with the perfect you that I had imagined; the one I had idealized in my head, with my heart. Needless to say, I made a mistake.

It took a long time for me to understand how and why things happened the way they did. How was it even possible that such a wonderful start would find its end in the flames of disgust and disrespect? How could a good friendship (or whatever that was) end just like it did? How was it even possible that I found myself in such a mess? How was it possible that I saw something beneath all the shit? Was I just dreaming too much? Was I played? Was any of it real?

Now I know that I should have practiced more self-restraint. I should have stepped back when I felt that everything was running on hyperdrive. I should have not allowed myself to fall in love that quickly. I should not have fallen in love with someone I have not met - someone I barely know and someone who barely knows me. I should have fallen in love with the right person, for the right reasons and at the right time. I should have stood my ground and respected who I was and what I bring to the table. I should have loved myself a little bit more. And finally, I should have recognized the fact that there are really bad people in this world. Relatedly, I should have learned to avoid them at all cost.

As I prepare myself for the future, I now find myself with a new buffet of questions that I still have to figure out the answers to. Am I falling into the same trap again? How many steps back should I take this time? Can I really trust someone completely again? Is another shot at love even worth the risk? Am I overanalyzing things again? Am I even doubting fate? Does fate even exist? Is it true? Is this for real? How can I even be sure? Am I ready to get hurt? Will I be able to survive another heartbreak if it happens? Where is this going to? Why am I doing this? Do I deserve this? Why am I even thinking? Should I be thinking at all?

Ay naku, mahirap talagang maging maganda. Ayoko na.