M a.k.a Dylan

I recently read a post that struck me. It was a simple blog written by someone I was with in the past, M a.k.a Dylan.

Dylan is M's alter ego. He is rude, uncaring and self-absorbed. Dylan is arrogant. He is selfish. He is a call center agent... until now. Dylan blogs.

M, on the other hand, is a licensed nurse with big dreams. He is the perfect caregiver. He is romantic and affectionate. He is a friend who will be there through ups and downs. He is sweet in his own little way. He rarely blogs.

Both Dylan and M are not good writers. They often make mistakes in basic grammar. They both fail in spelling. They both think that "losers" is the same as "loosers".

As expected, Dylan's most recent post was not exceptionally written. It was "BlogPest" paradise. In spite of this, it was perfectly honest.

trust.. I'm such a looser

weird... I was online and an unknown guy

caught up my attention and we started chatting..

he told me that
he had been reading my blogs and he likes it...

weird...

he
knows everything about me...

he then asks me the reason

why i am working in a call center when I’m a licensed nurse

a
question that is asked by so many people...

and the reason that I always
give them

is because I hate nursing…

that I was forced to take
that career

and I don’t have the heart for it..

but for
the very first time

I have been honest

I told him that it’s
because

I’m afraid to fail…

I’m afraid that if I come back I’ll
be a failure.

I’m so stupid that I can be honest to a stranger

and be a liar to my friends..

a liar to myself…

ang drama ng post na to.. thats why its in private... =)

haha ang chezzzzy.. ew

this is not me... this is M.

Dylan thinks that he is a "looser". I shook my head and replied to his post:

"For whatever it's worth, you were never a loser."

Then I realized, I may not entirely know who Dylan is now and I may never forgive his grammatical slips but, I still know M. For this instance, I will ignore the errors and confirm that it was indeed M blogging.

Ang Tikoy, Tikman Mo

"Kung Hei Fat Choi!!!", you greeted me.

I was surprised to see your name on my screen but I immediately understood why. It was but appropriate for you to greet people today since you are, in fact, Chinese. I have written several posts about you (Too Stubborn to Give Up, I Take It Back, Crushed, Just Another Flirty Sunday) but things between us never progressed. If only I had the courage to bare it all with you, literally and figuratively.

"Hey hey, patikoy ka naman...", I replied.

I went back to my work emails. I did not expect a response from you. I was just happy that you still remembered me.

"Sure, when will I meet you?", you texted back.

I panicked. I felt cold. I did not know what to say or how to respond without showing any trace of excitement. I laughed.

"Madali ka naman pala kausap eh... joke lang yun.", I texted back.

"Loser!!!", I said to myself.

"Chicken!!!", I mumbled.

"Kaw talaga...", you replied.

"Papatikimin kita ng lahat ng klase ng tikoy...", you continued.

My jaws dropped. I could not control my laughter. I was giggling like a teenager. I was surprisingly giddy.

"Sure, sige...", I texted back.

"Sure pare... patikim ako ng tikoy mo...", I whispered.

Oh yes, I have a perverted mind... sue me.

Change of Heart (or so I thought)

It was already dark when I woke up. As if by habit, I opened my windows and looked at the city skyline in front of me. It looked like it did for the last several nights - buildings still randomly lit, the dark silhouette of city trees added a sense of gloom to the starless night. The moon was nowhere to found. I, much like the night, felt cold and empty. 

"What is this phase I am going through?", I whispered to myself.

I realized I was alone. I looked around the room. It was silent. I started to plan out my night. I thought of options to amuse myself. I scoured online for things to do; something that could get my mind of the fact that I was bored. I looked at the clock. It was still early to party. I was stuck. 

I decided to go back to bed. I took my phone in my hand and started browsing for friends. I found a few. I decided not to call them. I needed time to think by myself. I closed my eyes and whispered a silent prayer. 

I opened my eyes in a dark room. I then realized that I may have dozed off for a few minutes while figuring out what was going on. Apparently, I have forgotten to turn on the lights when I stood up earlier. Only the flicker of lights from the nearby modem now illuminated the whole room. I gazed at the lights that blinked every so often. I turned on the television set to take my mind off soul searching. 

I was pleasantly amused by the news. Between clips, I found myself going back to my default mode - I was back to thinking. I stood up. I opened the refrigerator hoping to find something sweet. I saw a piece of chocolate from way back. I looked at it and immediately computed how many calories went into that one small piece. I cringed. I opened the pack anyway and slowly devoured its content. Every single bite felt like heaven. The bitterness of the chocolate slowly faded away with the water I sipped.

I heard my phone rang. I walked over to get it from my bed. I took a quick look at the screen and saw the name of the person who I was with a couple of weeks back. I decided to take the call. The voice on the other line was being drowned by the sound of vehicles around him. He asked were I was. I replied. He laughed and inquired why I was not out partying. I told him I had just woken up. He wanted us to meet. I thought for a while and replied, 

"Not tonight..."

We hung up. I then remembered that a friend recently asked me if I was not yet seeking a steady partner. I felt confused. Why is this person asking me if I was already prepared to settle down once again? This was the same friend who complained that when I was still living with someone, I was always nowhere to be found. 

I then realized that this maybe the reason for what I was going through. I may have had enough of the casual hook ups and temporary bliss. My soul may already be longing to be with someone again. My heart may already be telling me that I should start taking it seriously. I heard my stomach growl.

"Oh... so that's it!", I figured.

I heard my phone ring again. It was him again, pleading his case. I quickly found the best delivery service in town. I quickly asked him,

"Hey, you wanna come over? Oh and please buy me something to eat, I'm starving!"

Missing You

I was online one rainy day when I met you. I never really gave you much attention. I just wanted to chat. I was happy that you did not ask for my picture. I never bothered asking for yours. You asked for my number and we agreed to talk after dinner. I asked for your number, just in case. A couple of hours later, we decided to go offline. I grabbed a quick dinner. I guess you did too. After a few minutes, I called your number. Busy. I called once more. Busy. I called one more time and promised that if nobody answers, I am giving up. Busy. I gave up. 

I have already forgotten about you until I received a strange phone call one night. You were the voice on the other line and you were looking for me. You told me your name and explained that you found my number written on a piece of paper. You told me that you did not really know who I was but decided to call anyway. You told me you were bored. Fortunately, I was too. We decided to talk.

You introduced yourself. I gave you my name. You told me you lived nearby. I told you we should meet. I then looked at myself in the mirror. I was not ready to meet you. I'd rather be the anonymous voice on the other line. Luckily, you felt the same way. We both found ourselves laughing minutes later. You told me that you were still in school. I told you I had a boring job that required me travel everywhere. You did not really care. I did not make a fuss. We laughed the night away. We were like old friends.

Eight hours, non-stop, on the phone was all it took for us to realize that we have both found what we were looking for. Before we hung up, we knew we had something. We promised to call each other the following day. We both did not know that this fateful night would be the start of a two-year relationship that would bring out the best and the worst in both of us. 

Tonight, as I was trying to get myself to sleep, a song reminded me of how we met. Hearing the song made me remember the person who helped me know myself better. We were lovers, partners,  and best friends. He was my number one fan, and I, his. He was my cheerleader, and I his primary supporter. He was my life. I was his. 

To you, I have no grand hopes that we would ever be together again. We both gave it our best shot and that should be enough. We both have outgrown each other by now. We both have changed. I am now Tristan and you are someone I barely know. I just wish I could bring back the guy I was when I was still with you. 

I miss him.

The Question: Dine In or Take Out?

The usual crowd was present that night. The lights still flickered. The bubbles continued to cascade. Smoke still occasionally filled the area. Several hunky guys have already taken off their shirts. Most of them were now gyrating on stage. A group of effeminate and loud mouthed sisters have taken up a large part of the stage. They tried to outstage everyone by shifting from one choreographed step to another. It was definitely a Saturday.

I found myself front and center. I was at my usual spot. I scanned the whole floor for a familiar face. I saw you. Between flickers of green laser lights, I recognized your face. You still had that innocent look that had me interested. Your chinky eyes still shone every time laser lights would hit your direction. Your white shirt showed off your lean built. I was right, it was my Chinese Bed Boy. You were with someone, yet again. I looked at you from afar. I giggled.

I danced beside you with the hope that you'd finally notice me. You did not. I shrugged it off. I took a seat near the washroom. I needed some alone time, for a change. I got myself a bottle of beer and lit a cigarette. Between puffs of smoke I realized that this night was different. It's now about me. I was in search of my perfect match. I scanned the place once more. Every face seemed to go through an automatic matchmaking machine. I was looking for the perfect connection. I hoped that I find chemistry. I waited patiently. Nothing.

Couples were kissing. Strangers exchanging glances. Friends gyrating. Hunky men were topless. Beers were being drunk. Cigarettes being smoked. The lights continued to flash. House music filled the room. I, on the otherhand, was silent. The deafining sound from the speakers was not able to quiet down the questions that have been running through my head, "why am I single?, will I ever be coupled up again? do I want it that way?, why am I not kissing anyone tonight? do I want to kiss at all? why do I feel bad? am I jealous of couples? am I happy?"

As I tried to search for answers, I felt a hand grab my arm. I took one quick look at him. My questions faded into the background, all but one. I had to find the answer. Before the night was through, I found the answer.

"Dine in", I replied.

100

This is my 100th post. 

In the last four months that this blog has been online, I have read many of your lives. I have met some of you. I have made friends with a few and have even fallen for one. It has been quite a ride. I have written stories of trysts, love affairs, and prospects. I have posted emo blogs and have tried so hard to be less vulgar. I have introduced several characters whose lives (and bodies) have found their way into mine. You, of course, have read them with often with amazement and sometimes with disgust.

My life is an open book but this blog, much like yours, is just a fraction of who I am. So to celebrate my 100th blogpost, I am listing down a hundred things about me. 

1. I am Tristan.
2. I live in Ortigas 
3. ...but I am really from Laguna. 
4. I am 28, 
5. .... I don't look like one.
6. ... I dress like a 24 year old. 
7. I work in a Bank.
8. I am still in school. Darn it.
9. I go to the gym. 
10. I have been in love 4 times. 
11. ... have had four serious relationships,
12. ... dozens of flings,
13. ... and hundreds of trysts.
14. I love watching movies.
15. I enjoy good food,
16. ... with great company.
17. I have several circle of friends.
18. I am closet techy.
19. I am an Apple user
20. ... and I love it.
21. I cook,
22. ... mean and different versions of adobo.
23. I play with pasta recipes
24. ... but I don't bake.
25. ...I wish I do.
26. I have a fish named Paris.
27. .... the one before her who died was named Britney. 
28. I dance.
29. I sing.
30. I act.
31. I can't swim
32. ... but I love the beach.
33. I love Boracay.
34. ... and last year I was there four times!
35. I love flying.
36. ... especially take offs and landings.
37. I enjoy traveling...
38. ... and have been to most parts of the country.
39. I frequent Bangkok
40. ... to shop for inexpensive clothes.
41. I love to sleep
42. ... but I still feel that it's just a waste of time.
43. I am now single, by choice.
44. I don't really date.
45. I just fall in love.
46. I don't like beer.
47. ... but I continue to drink it.
48. I enjoy tequila.
49. ... and Vodka Cruisers.
50. I often get mistaken as a call center agent
51. ... or a nurse.
52. I rarely like walking.
53. ... but I sometimes take walks alone.
54. I watch Pinoy movies
55. ... and often cry.
56. I don't really mind crying as long as I still look good doing so.
57. I don't like bell peppers.
    
58. ... and okra.
59. ... and balut.
60. Otherwise, I eat everything.
61. People think that I am high maintenance.
62. ... I am.
63. I am the life of the party.
64. ... if I want to be.
65. I joke around when I need to be serious.
66. I refuse to let people see my weak side,
67. ... if you have seen it, you are lucky.
68. I smoke.
69. I drink.
70. I work hard.
71. I party even harder.
72. I love to shop.
73. ... but I am "kuripot" with myself.
74. I hate bad grammar.
75. I hate bad English.
76. I often find myself with unappreciated boys.
77. ... and I appreciate them.
78. ... often they don't return the favor.
79. I have never paid for sex.
80. ... but am wondering how it feels to do so.
81. I am in no hurry to fall.
82. ... but I am hoping that I do.
83. I am a dreamer
84. ... and a jealous lover.
85. I am closet romantic.
86. I have never been to bath houses.
87. ... but am seriously considering doing so.
88. I love getting massages.
89. ... but have never gotten one from a hunky masseur.
90. ... I am afraid that we may not get through the whole hour without sex.
91. I find sex overrated.
92. ... I am a people pleaser.
93. I can be cold.
94. ... can be brutal.
95. ... but I am a good guy.
96. I hope to get rich one day.
97. ... so I am working for it.
98. I rarely kiss...
99. ... but when I do, that means I love you
100. ... or I was just caught up in the moment.

I Just Wanna Fucking Dance

It's one of those nights... so I will dance!

The Question: Does it Matter?

We have been online for quite some time and the conversation seemed to be going well until you asked me the question:

"Tristan, does size matter to you?"

"Huh?, What size?", I asked you back.

"The thing...", you explained.

"Oh...", I exclaimed.

"How bad is it?", I inquired.

You laughed. 

"It's five-ish...", you replied.

"Okay...", I typed back.

I took a deep breath.

"Yes, it does." I mumbled as I closed the chat window.

Tired

It is 9:30 PM.

I am at a crossroad. 

Should I? Should I not?

I have made my decision. 

I will focus on myself for a change. 

I will let go of sinful thoughts. 

I will no longer engage in lustful acts. 

I will forego boys. 

I will rise above the situation. 

I refuse to be a slave to my body.

I am tired.

"Hey Tristan, you free tonight?"

I will start tomorrow.

First Time

You told me it was your first time. I smiled. You told me you've always wanted to do it. I smiled. You told me I looked like a good guy. I smiled. You asked me what my name was. I replied. You said that you had the same name. I smiled. You told me you worked nearby. I told you I did too. You told me you've seen me before. I asked you where. You told me you can't remember. I smiled.

I told you to relax. You almost cried. I told you to take easy. You followed. I told you to do it well. You obliged. I told you to enjoy. You did.

You told me again it was your first time. I smiled. You asked if you can see me again. I smiled. You wanted to hear a yes. I gave you a no.

I am sorry my dear, I am not that stupid. I know for sure that you were pulling my leg, among other things. I've been around and I told you that. I know for sure that it was not your first.

You smiled.

Mr. Lean

It was just the usual day at the gym - muscled guys were pumping iron in one corner while a handful were doing cardio. Several guys were also in the lockers doing their thing. After almost an hour's worth of cardio and my usual ab routine, I decided to call it a day. I resolved that weight training can wait for another day. 

It took me a while to get ready to steam up. I took my time getting undressed. I slowly removed my clothes one after the other. I wrapped myself with a towel and dragged myself to the sauna. Ahh, the sauna, the room full of possibilities. I smiled.

There were several guys inside the room. It felt warm. One guy had obviously been there for quite some time since he was all reddish. The other one barely hid his jewels as he was trying to detox. I knew the other guy from before - we sort of had this thing. And he was there too... I have admired him from afar for the longest time. He was this lean guy whom I have always considered one of the hotties on the floor. He had nice almond eyes and a body every woman (or man) would desire. His face was angelic. He looked like someone I have met in my travels down south. I was happy.

As I basked in the warm air that circulated inside the room, I planned my life for the day. I decided that I would only spend a few minutes in the sauna and head on to the mall and buy myself something. If there was any action that was to happen in the gym today, it had to happen in the next 15 minutes. Otherwise, I'll call it a day. 

Fifteen minutes passed. Nothing. The guys were just throwing glances at one another. I sighed. I wrapped the towel around my waist and headed straight to the showers. Patience was not one of my stronger qualities. 

I was drying myself up when I noticed that Mr. Lean was also getting dressed behind me. He had his towel wrapped around his waist. I noticed suture marks on his lower abs. He must have had something removed, I concluded. His pinkish nips were to die for. His abs were just divine. His shoulders were perfectly sculpted. He was my Greek god. I smiled.

Just as I was about to put on my red underpants, I took one quick look at the god getting dressed behind me. His towel was now crumpled at the waist and I saw his plaid shorts almost covering his behind. I giggled. I felt electricity run from my hands to my feet. My head was throbbing. I could not take  my eyes off him. I felt something move. I felt hard. Damn. 

Mr. Lean, for all his perfection, forgot to bring one thing today. I was all too happy he did. 

Mr. Lean, for all his perfection, picked today to make someone go crazy. I breathed heavily.

Mr. Lean, for all his perfection, did something today. He went commando. I, on the other hand, went berserk.

Three's A Crowd

I never liked three. 

As a child, I hated writing this curly number. As an adult, I hate the fact that they say that three's the charm. I cannot comprehend why I have to fall twice before getting it. As a porn star, it's just too messy. As a lover, even messier.

I'd rather be first. Being the other half is just perfectly fine by me. The third wheel is just too much...

...unless of course I get promoted and the original other half becomes the third wheel.

Hope Floats

My hunch was correct. It was over. I was speechless. 

Thanks to them, I, once again, believed in true love. I was able to confirm that it really exists; that it is really possible for two guys to be happy together for a long time. They made me happy by just being themselves, together. I was happy that one person found his happiness in the other. They actually lived the life that I only dream of. They gave me the reason to hope. 

I pray that these two find their second wind if only to allow me to continue admiring them from afar. I pray that they find themselves together again if only to prove that true love indeed exists. Finally, I pray for their happiness, as individuals first and foremost, just because everybody deserves to be happy. 

I hope love prevails.

You, Me and Him

You asked me where I lived. I told you I lived close. You asked me how I looked. I showed you my lone picture online. You asked me if I wanted to do it. I asked you what you can offer. You showed me the goods. I smiled.

You asked me where you could park. I guided you over the phone. You asked me if I could pick you up from the gate. I quickly came running. You greeted me in great interest. I casually hid my excitement. I blushed.

I asked you where you lived. You told me you lived close. I told you I was just there the other day. You asked me what wall color I saw. I innocently replied, "yellow...". You asked me if I saw a dog. I doubted your intent. I remembered seeing a dog and he was in the cage. You asked me if there was a cage. I smiled and gently shook my head. You asked me how he looked. I gave a different description. I felt cold.

Yours was the car that was parked in front of the yellow house with a caged dog one sunny morning. Yours was the bed where sins were met with sinful lust. Yours was the man who lured me into bed one sunny morning in a village so close in a house with a yellow wall where a car was parked beside a dog in cage. I snickered.

You, me and him form one great bond which starts and ends with me. 

He is guilty. You are guilty. I am not.

With Pleasure

It was an extraordinary night - unusually cold and particularly uneventful, at least for me. But who knew that the stars would align for us to meet. 

You were one of the many people I could possibly meet that night. I guess it was perfect timing. You were there. I was there. I took the chance. I opened the door to your car and got in. I told you I lived nearby. You said you knew that place. I silently waited. You asked for my name. I replied. 

I took a good look at you. I could see your muscled arms from where I was. You had puppy dog eyes and I guess that's what makes you really attractive. Your tight pants showed off your nice bulge. 

You told me you were thirty two and you already had four kids. I was surprised since you actually looked younger than your age. You asked me if I had kids of my own. I laughed and politely said no. You asked me if I had any plans of having kids. I shook my head. You laughed. It took no more than a smile to let you know what was going on through my head.

You asked me if I was thinking what you were thinking. I nodded without hesitation. You smiled and took my hand. You parked your car. I gladly gave in. One thing led to another and then I realized it was over. We both laughed as we were fixing ourselves.

All it took was just one quick turn around the corner and I was home. I looked at the meter. It read sixty. I took my wallet and gave you a crisp fifty and a twenty. 

"Business is business...", I told you.

"Business with pleasure...", I mumbled.

Thank you Mr. Taxi Driver. It was one pleasant ride.

Kung Hei Fat Choi

I was taking a quick drink from the gym's water fountain after my usual workout when I felt a pat on my back. I took a quick look behind me and there I saw you smiling at me. I smiled back. 

"Happy New Year!", you greeted me.

I giggled inside. I took off my earphones and tried to get hold of myself.

"Happy New Year (Chinese Dude)!", I greeted back. 

You looked different. Your hair was cut differently and you wore nerdy glasses. Apart from those changes, I was reminded of our past trysts. I had a quick vision of your perfectly sculptured body. I had flashes of your you-know-what. I blushed.

"Musta na?", you asked.

"I'm okay..., ikaw?", my lamest response ever.

I was indeed caught by surprise. I would have wanted to lounge around before I finally hit the showers but your naughty smile revealed your intentions. I turned around and signaled that I would now hit the lockers. You proceeded to get your towels from the counter while I waited for you inside. You took the locker beside mine. I was thrilled. I knew what was coming next. I giggled at the opportunity. 

"This is the way to start the new year...", I said to myself.

With only the white gym towel covering me, I proceeded to the showers. You soon followed. It must have taken me longer to finish my shower since I did not see you come out of your cube. I proceeded to the steam room. You were not there. Apparently, you hit the sauna. Probably realizing I was not there, you came for me in the other room. I was smiling as you entered. You fixed your towel in front of me and I was once again faced with your well-sculpted body. I was happy. 

"Hi...", I greeted you.

You smiled back. It has been a while since we last saw each other and I realized that I missed you. You seem to be happy to have seen me too. We both knew the drill and both of us gladly indulged. 

It was a delight to have seen you once again Chinese Dude. You were indeed the perfect start to my new year.

"Kung Hei Fat Choi....", I mumbled.

Cruelty to Animals

I was recently reminded that some people can be really cruel. I was online a couple of days ago when I came across this guy in cyberspace. The typical conversation which started with the "ASL?" followed by "PIC?" ensued. I did not seem to meet his expectations and his uninterested response was perfectly fine by me. What got to me was when he started giving unsolicited advice on weight loss (which he spelled as lost) and how I can get more boys by losing (again, loosing) more weight. He continued by explaining to me how "regular-sized" guys get laid more than guys who are on the heavy side. I laughed at the spelling errors and silently rebutted his baseless contentions. I could have easily informed him of this blog so that he could get a glimpse of a fraction of my sex life and a showcase of my skills but I am not really sure he could read. I stopped myself.

True, not everyone is given a spectacular physique. Sadly, I am one of them. Not everyone can make jocks drool with just one flick of a finger (but this does not discount the fact that I do have my share in the "jocks" niche). I may project the image that I can conquer everyone, including the jocks, but the truth is I am also human - I am not perfect. I must say however that a few extra poundage can be easily managed. Unfortunately for this guy, his capacity to improve his brain mass seems to be a lost (for his brain, loss) cause. 

So why am I making such a big fuss over this rather irrelevant critique? I am pissed that I am still not there in spite of what I have accomplished in the last year. I am annoyed that someone who actually does not know me has the gall to comment on my problem areas. I am appalled that I am being judged by how I look which may I say is really not that bad (come on, you have to agree with me on this...). I hate the fact that some people can be very cruel when they themselves are not perfect.

So what does one do when one encounters such a person? Smile and pray that his brain mass continues to disintegrate with every call he takes. Curse his life and hope that it works. Finally, bitch-blog about it at the risk of sounding (or reading) bitter. 

Yes, some people can be really cruel and that, my dear readers, includes me.

Smile.