So Into You

An old song but it still works - the perfect way to start a new month. 

I think you're truly something special...

Just what my dreams are really made of.

Status: Single But Not Available

"Lahat single...", was how you described the people in your upcoming trip.

I felt my brows rise. 

"Huh?", I was surprised.

"Single pala ko?", I continued.

You laughed. I did too.

"Akala ko pa naman hindi na ko single...", I said in the cutest voice I could muster.

You laughed again. I could imagine you blushing. 

"Hindi ganun..."

"Kasi di pa naman official right, sabi mo?", you tried to explain.

"Huh? Pwede bang bawiin ko na lang?"

You laughed.

"Nagtanong ako di ba? Ang sabi mo hindi..."

I was still laughing.

"Ok fine!", I was starting to get pissed.

"Single pa pala ko, kala ko hindi na...", I muttered.

"MU?", you replied.

"MU?!?, ayaw ko.", I was annoyed.

"Tayo pero hindi pa official...", you suggested.

"Fine... so ano ba ang triggers nito para maging official?", I asked as if I was back at work analyzing a project's success indicator.

That started the long discussion on labels and how important they really are.

"Di ba sabi mo hindi naman lahat kelangan ng label?"

"Oo nga, pero this time, I think we need to define this.", I explained.

So how does one begin to label a relationship based on mutual trust and admiration, some sort of love, constant communication (with occasional hard ons) using our dedicated lines and an extreme desire to make it work? Several labels come to mind: MU (Mag-Un?); Exclusively dating?; In-a-relationship-but-not-quite?, It's complicated? The search for the proper label is tiring but it appears that this may really be necessary after all.

"So pag may nagtanong, ano sasabihin natin?", I asked.

"Uhmm... single...", you replied.

Then you paused as if trying to figure out what would work best for what we have.

"...but not available?", I suggested.

"Tama, single but not available.", you confirmed.

I nodded. We agreed to the terms and conditions of the new label.

"Fair enough, we are single but not available."

I rest my case: Tristan Tan is single but not available. Oh and so is Bad Boy.

Tristan Turns Green

"Sabi ng Nanay ko, wag daw akong matutulog ng galit...", I explained.

"Oo nga tama yun..."

"Wala naman dahilan magselos...", you replied.

Your words comforted my insecure soul. They were enough to ease the discomfort brought about by my initial bouts with jealousy. 

"Uy pinag-isipan ko pa nga yun... ewan ko ba...", I explained.

"Basta wag ka na magselos... wala naman yun."

We laughed at what had just happened. We both knew that we have gotten through it, alive. We felt better.

"Ayan.. okay na ha?"

"Ok na ulit.", I replied.

It now appears that our walls have crumbled into pieces. It also seems that our defenses, except for a few, have been broken down. It is more evident that we have succumbed to our reality amidst great initial resistance. It can now be told that we have indeed fallen, Bad Boy.

"Drive safely Bad Boy..."

"Oh and I love you too..."

It feels good to start a new day with you, again.

Life Line

At one, I was told I learned how to walk.

At two, all I did was talk.

At three, we had no money for the rent.

At four, I knew I was just different.

At five, I tried to fit in.

At six, I started not being thin.

At seven, I was playing under the moon.

At eight, who would have thought I would learn sex so soon?

At nine, I tried to fight the battle.

At ten, I looked like a young cattle.

At eleven, I was the kid to beat.

At twelve, I was the kid who had a little too much to eat.

At thirteen, I never fitted in.

At fourteen, I was not so thin.

At fifteen, I was the laughing stock.

At sixteen, I knew that I loved cock.

At seventeen, I was partying like crazy.

At eighteen, I fell in love and felt dizzy.

At nineteen, I started to flirt.

At twenty, I was extremely good playing with dirt.

At twenty one, I first got fucked.

At twenty two, I knew that I rocked.

At twenty three, I learned to play it cool.

At twenty four, I was already love's fool.

At twenty five, I learned to take it slow.

At twenty six, I knew I had to go.

At twenty seven, I played around.

At twenty eight, I was the lonely clown.

A week from today I'll be twenty-nine.

and I most definitely know that I will be just fine.

Day 14: The Day I Stopped Counting

"Alam mo, ang naalala ko the first time we talked sinabi mo sa kin...", you said as you tried to understand my complex mind.

I felt uncomfortable.

"Bad boy really knows how to listen...", I whispered.

"... ang sabi mo: alam ko naman how this story will end...", you
recounted.

I was silent. I remembered that I did mention that to you when we first spoke.

"Yeah, sabi mo pa nga: why are you already ending something that has not even started...", I recalled.

You agreed.

"Hindi mo kasi alam BB where I am coming from...", I explained.

Silence. I explained myself.

"Sorry, I now understand...", you said.

I felt comforted. It was one of those moments when one feels accepted and loved.

"Uy sorry, that was just one of my moments of weakness.", I continued when I finally recovered.

"Pero sige, I will end my cynicism about all of this..."

"... and I will stop counting."

You understood.

"O matulog ka na..."

"Oo nga, alas-dos na...", I agreed.

"Goodnight Tristan..."

"Goodnight BB"

As I cuddled my soft white side pillow and positioned myself to sleep, I realized that I need not be cynical about all of this - that I just need to enjoy what and who I have. I promised myself that I will stop counting the days that we are together; I will only count the hours that we are apart.

"I love you BB", I whispered softly as I hung up the phone.

Day 13: Speechless

"Habang tumatagal, lalong tumatagal ah...", I told you.

Behind that seemingly innocent comment, I was trying to hide what was really going on. You knew that of course and throughout the course of our conversation, you decided to answer some of my puzzling questions. Realizing that you were then ready to give me the answers that I needed, I asked away. 

"Thank you for that mind-boggling question...", you said as if trying to mimic my dream interview.

I laughed. You then started telling me the bits and pieces of your life that only you know; the real story, the real score, what you felt, why you did it. I felt I was invading your mind and so I found it prudent to ask only the questions that I knew you were ready for. 

"Okay... may tanong ka pa?"

I hesitated for a moment.

"Last two questions... for tonight.", you said.

I took a deep breath, gathered all my courage and fired away. 

"Mahal mo na ba ko?", I asked. 

You were a bit stunned. You took a deep breath and replied with full conviction.

"Oo Tristan, mahal kita."

I fell off the bed. I was speechless. My knees were numb. I felt weak. My arm barely held the phone I had in hand. I was breathing heavily.

"Uy uy teka... hindi ako makacomment. I need a few seconds..."

You laughed. I was still silent. I was trying to digest what you had just said. I was taking it all in as if enjoying the way those words echoed in my head. I was still in panic. Finally, I was able to say something.

"I need a few seconds more..."

I was giggling. You were just patiently waiting for my response. My head was spinning. 

"Alam mo yung feeling ko, kinikilig ako... parang tini-twist yung tummy ko...", I said as I tried to explain my lack of grace under pressure.

You laughed.

"Ako din...", I finally replied with conviction.

"Parang napipilitan ka lang ata eh..."

"Oi hindi ah...", I was telling the truth.

"So ano next question mo?", you asked.

For the third time, I was speechless.

"Wala na."

"Sigurado ka?" you asked as if trying to coerce me into asking the question that you would later ask.

"Sinagot mo na lahat ng gusto kong malaman..."

So there I was, lying on my bed in a small, dark, and cold room, butterflies in my tummy, and  asking the heavens what I did right to deserve all of this - to deserve you. The feeling is really beyond words.

"So tayo na ba?", you finally asked.

I was, once again, speechless.

Nagmahal ng Bakla

I can't seem to put my finger in this video. Something's just not right with the way it's written and how gays are perceived. Nonetheless, this is still an interesting view of how other people see M2M relationships.

Day 12: Can This Be It?

Carbo-overload from the team lunch made so woozy. I needed a distraction lest I fall asleep sitting down. I got up and walked towards the pantry.

"Coffee, I need coffee...", I mumbled as I sleep-walked.

With one cup in a hand and a glass of ice-cold water in the other, I went back to my desk and started reading emails. I opened my blog and several other sites.

"Hmm.. nothing new...", I whispered.

Then I realized.

"Wala pa kong day 12 post..."

I saw G online and sent him a quick note.

"Wala pa kong day 12 post..."

"Baka mamaya meron..." he replied.

I stopped typing and browsed through several possible topics brewing in mind. I could not convince myself to write about catsup, at least not yet. I don't want a list today. So at two in the afternoon, Day 12 was still quite silent.

I paused for a while and looked at the screen in front of me. Quite oddly, I found myself uttering words only a woozy, carbo-filled, sleep-deprived individual can ever tell another human soul. I sent G another message.

"Habang tumatagal I'm getting more and more involved... nakakatakot", I typed in.

"Now where did that come from?", I asked myself.

"Don't be...", G replied.

"Suddenly, you are not the Tristan I know..."

"Ay sinagot ni G... tama ba yun?", I laughed.

I was finally caught in the moment. I responded by explaining myself.

"My defenses are down...",

"Finally someone has gotten through..."

"What the... ? Did I just say that?", I mumbled.

Goosebumps.

"All you have to do is surrender....", G explained.

I laughed.

"Oo nga eh...", I replied giggling.

"This is love....", G declared.

And just like that, I finally found my topic.

"Ay iboblog ko to..."

Blogger's Note. As far as I know, I am not, in any way, romantically involved with G. He is a blogger-friend who desires me so much that he had to fly all the way from the province to see me in Manila. I am sure he will deny this. He loves VENTIs. We usually talk about life over cyber-lunch and my BB stories (eventhough G does not know who BB really is).

Rest in Fish

I saw you grow up before my very eyes. My X and I bought you one day to replace the one XX and I had before, Britney. You were just one of the many we saw that day but you stood out. You were special. More than two and half years ago today, you became a part of my life.

This morning I said goodbye to you the way I did before I left the house.

"See you later Paris...", I said.

You were still okay or so I thought. I looked at you one more time and closed the door. While walking to the lift, I had a strange thought that I should have fed you this morning. I was already late for work - I promised myself that I would feed you again tonight.

I got home a few minutes past nine. I was pissed for no reason - well there was a reason but that's another story. I lit a cigarette and took a phone call. From where I sat, I looked your way - I saw you lying on the floor. You were not moving. I felt a stabbing pain in the chest. For a moment, I could not breathe. Only then did I realize, you had passed away.

During moments of extreme sadness, I usually try to count my blessings. Tonight, it was good that I was on the direct line to happiness when I found out what happened. Had I seen you earlier, when I was still pissed and alone, I would have lost it. I would have probably cried.

I feel sad for losing you, Paris. You were a great companion. You know my secrets - you know me well. You were a friend for a long, long time. Thank you for the memories, Paris. I will miss you.

May you rest in fish.

Blogger's Note: I was on the phone with Bad Boy (a.k.a BB) when I found out that my flowerhorn had died. He explained to me that some things have to change for the better; some need to leave to make way for something new. Tonight, Paris left me but tonight, I also realized I have someone better, someone new. Thanks BB - too bad you did not get to meet Paris. You would have probably adored her as much as I did.

Day 11: Bad Boy Does Good

Your voice still resonated in my head. I closed my eyes, hugged my pillow and wished that you were there beside me. I hid under the covers and listened to the sound of my breathing.

"Masaya ako sa yo...", I remembered you saying a few times earlier.

The unexplainable thing, at least for the cynical Tristan that people have come to know, is that I believe you.

"Ako din."

"Sana lang, hindi ako masaktan sa mga pinagagagawa ko...", I prayed.

The sound of airconditioning eventually hummed me to sleep. Consciously, I had hoped to dream of you but, surprisingly it was another dreamless night. I then realized that I have had dreamless nights since I got to know you - I must be sleeping really well with you around. I now look forward to each new day with the zeal of a 4-year old on Christmas morning. I still look forward to THAT day.

"Good morning... ", you greeted me.

And just like that, I grinned like the kid who stole the cookie from the cookie jar, for the first time in almost two years.

"Good morning! Just woke up. Ligo muna. ", I greeted back.

So this is how it feels to be happy... I should do this more often.

"Good morning bad boy, thanks for being there.", I whispered.

Day 10: The Day the Sun Shone

"Uy, hi..."

I was surprised to hear you on the other line. I thought your line was turned off but I just wanted to confirm that before I go to sleep.

"Kala ko talaga patay ang phone mo...", I snickered.

"Sabi mo kasi tatawag ka eh...", you replied.

"Oo nga naman..."

Deep inside, hearing your voice on the other line really felt good. I was glad I made that call. Honestly, I was already having second thoughts of calling you since I was not quite sure if it will be well-received. You told me earlier, online, that you had already planned on drinking last night - I took it as a sign not to call. But, I can never be Tristan without being stubborn. So call away, I did.

We spoke for around 30 minutes - we were basically laughing the whole time. I often heard "miss you-s" in between stories of our lives in the last twenty four hours. I was extremely elated.

"Kasi minsan subukan mo magtext... simple lang naman turuan pa kita...", I jokingly suggested.

"Kita mo to, nagpabili na nga ako ng load kaso maling load ang binili kaya di pa din ako reply...", you explained.

"Kasi naman... SUN kasi... use your Globe number..."

You laughed.

"Uy, sayang ang credits mo...", you said after like 20 minutes of talking.

"Hindi ko nga maubos every month eh..", I explained.

"May 7-11 ba jan na malapit?"

"May Mini-Stop sa kanto, why?", I replied.

"Magpapaload kaya to? Ay turn-off naman...", I thought.

"Bili ka ng SUN sim... para ako na lang tatawag sa yo..."

"Yun naman pala...", I giggled.

Then I wondered.

"Me, a SUN user?", I questioned myself.

"Oh my... never again!", it was my image talking.

Blogger's Note: The Blogger was one of the first few people who got his SUN line years ago. He suffered from SUN's poor signal quality. He was utterly disappointed when SUN went into the "mamatay-ka-sa-kacheapan-ng-services-ko" market niche. He promised himself to never ever use SUN's services again, ever!

This afternoon, I sent my first message using my SUN line. It read:

"Tristan's SUN here. Yun lang. Hehe."

When it should have read:

"Thanks to you, I, once again, saw the SUN."

Day 9: Beautiful Nightmare

I found myself smiling when you popped on my screen. I have been waiting for this since last night. 

"Wala ko internet connection, dito pa ko sa province..."

Suddenly, all the frustrations I had disappeared into thin air. It was good to "see" you again. I was not able to control myself when I blurted,

"Langya, namiss kita..."

I can't believe I just said that. 

"Na-miss din kita..."

I giggled. We started talking. It seemed like you have already read my posts before you sent a message my way. I, on the other hand, updated you on what I have been doing. You seemed a bit tense - pissed even. 

"Inaaway mo ba ko?", you asked.

Silence. I could not reveal what I really felt. I did not want to appear weak. 

"Medyo..."

Where did that come from?

"Stupid Tristan... just stupid.", I whispered.

"Pwede wag muna away?", you requested.

Silence.

"Uhmm.. okay..."

My trainer told me that it takes twenty one days to make a habit. Recently, I realized that my new habit only took around seven days to get used to. I'm not really sure if this going anywhere but I am enjoying the ride so far. In fact, I am enjoying it so much that I'm getting a dedicated line tomorrow.

P.S. I just heard Beyonce's new single (?) and I think this best describes what I feel so far.

Beautiful Nightmare (FuLL) - Beyonce

every night I rush to my bed 

with hopes that maybe I’ll get a chance to see you 

when i close my eyes 

i’m goin outta my head 

lost in a fairytale 

can you hold my hands and be my guide 

clouds filled with stars cover your skies 

and i hope it rains 

you’re the perfect lullaby 

what kinda dream am is this 

you can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare 

either way i, don't wanna wake up from you 

sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare 

somebody pinch me, your loves to good to be true 

my guilty pleasure i ain't goin no where 

baby long as you're here 

i’ll be floating on air cause you're my 

you can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare 

either way i, don't wanna wake up from you 

i mention you when i say my prayers 

i wrap you around around all of my thoughts 

boy you my temporary high 

i wish that when i wake up you’re there 

so wrap your arms around me for real 

and tell me you’ll stay by side 

clouds filled with stars cover your skies 

and i hope it rains 

you’re the perfect lullaby 

what kinda dream am is this 

you can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare 

either way i, don't wanna wake up from you 

sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare 

somebody pinch me, your loves to good to be true 

my guilty pleasure i ain't goin no where 

baby long as you're here 

i’ll be floating on air cause you're my 

you can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare 

either way i, don't wanna wake up from you 

tattoo your name across my heart 

so it will remain 

not even death can make us part 

what kind of dream is this?! 

you can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare 

either way i, don't wanna wake up from you 

sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare 

somebody pinch me, your loves to good to be true 

my guilty pleasure i ain't goin no where 

baby long as you're here 

i’ll be floating on air cause you're my 

you can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare 

either way i, don't wanna wake up from you

Lucky (Part 2)

"Yes, my name is Tristan "Lucky" Tan", I whispered.

We walked past a few people in front of the hotel. They, of course, knew me. I opened the door to my room. 

"Wag ka masyado ma-tense. It's gonna be okay..."

"Haha first time ko."

"Yeah right.", I laughed as I pushed you on the bed.

"You want to play it rough ha..."

I giggled.

"Baliw!"

So it happened. Two strangers intertwined. I never expected for it to be so good. I was actually impressed. You pushed like there was no tomorrow. 

"Swerte ng girlfriend ng lokong to ah...", I whispered.

"Did you have fun?", you asked.

I winked.

"It was okay...", a lie since it was extremely great.

"So how was it for you?", I asked.

"Naku, baka magpalit na ko ng trip ah..."

"Sira ka talaga!"

We giggled.

"Pwede na lang sumama sa pupuntahan mo? Wala kasi ako kasama eh..."

I nodded.

We found ourselves walking to the bar. We continued talking. I found out you graduated from the same school system and you worked in Makati. You told me that many guys have suggested to bed you before and that you never agreed to it. I understood where they're coming from.

"Eh ang gwapo mo kaya?"

You blushed.

"Seriously, you are."

"Oi, hindi kaya!"

"Yabang nito..."

"Swerto mo, sa yo ko bumigay..."

"Mas maswerte ka, sa kin ka unang bumigay!"

You laughed.

My friends were already on their second round of beer when we arrived. I saw their eyes open up when they saw me with you. 

"Oh my god...", said G.

"Hi guys... meet J. J meet the guys."

Introductions were made. My friends practically grilled the poor guy but they never asked anything remotely related to the fact that they knew we met just a couple of hours earlier. They are really great in pretending not to know and preserving our image.

We danced the night away. Beers kept on coming and then a few cocktails. The waiters knew me from my last trip and they enjoyed our company so they found it good business to send us drinks, on the house.

"Tequila tayo!", I suggested.

"Sige sige... tequila, tequila!!!", everybody shouted.

"Body shots?", G suggested.

"Tarantadong to, gusto pa ata agawin ang date ko?", I mumbled.

We laughed.

"O sige, body shots tayo... on me!", you suggested.

I laughed so hard and winked. You smiled and winked back.

"On you??? Sigurado ka???"

"Minsan lang to!!!", he shouted.

The friends giggled. Who would not want to lick my boy? I surely did. G licked his palm. M licked his arm. 

"Tristan, it's your turn!!!"

I laughed so hard.

"Come here boy...", I ordered you.

As you were walking, you took your shirt off. 

"Uh oh... I know where I'm gonna be licking...", I panicked.

"Here.", you pointed at your right nip.

I giggled. 

"Pano naman ang image ko nito?", I asked.

"Minsan lang to...", you repeated.

"Darn it, nobody knows who I really am anyway apart from my friends... so what the heck!"

I licked the part once. You turned red and looked at me the way you did earlier - lustful. 

"Sigurado ka ah...", I was smiling.

You nodded.

I rubbed the lemon on the salt and wiped it around your nip. I felt your hand on my arm. 

"Nakakakiliti..."

I raised my little glass and took in diluted tequila. You came closer. I sucked on your nips, now salty.

I heard the guys clapping and shouting.

"Taena ka Tristan!!!!"

We were laughing so hard when we heard the first beats of Madonna's "Like a Virgin". We started dancing. You danced close such that it reminded me of Malate's bars. 

"Ako si Tristan, talande.", I giggled.

It started to rain. J, our other friend finally arrived. He held all our phones and wallets. We danced in the rain.

"This is crazy!!!", I shouted.

The night ended when the rain stopped. We were all wet. I saw you hugging practically everyone in the bar - the Texan's ladies, the locals, my friends. I was the last person you bid goodbye to. I smiled as you approached me.

"Hey Tris, balik na ko sa hotel..."

"Sige J, ingat ka..."

"Mamimiss kita...", you said as you held me close. 

"Ano number mo?", you finally asked.

"I'll call you in Manila...", you continued.

"Sure.. it's 0-9-1-7...."

"Here's mine... 0-9-1-7..."

You hugged me one last time, looked me in the eyes and smacked me on the lips and waved goodbye. I was dumbfounded. 

"What the...?", I was smiling like crazy.

I saw you take one final look my way and then you were gone. I felt a tinge of sadness when you left.

"Hay naku, malas kasi talaga ang girlfriends..."

"Guys, sa dagat lang ako..."

So there I was drunk and wading in the cold waters at four in the morning. I was smiling. 

"Tonight was great.", I whispered.

"... and J is most definitely not straight."

Day 8: Old Habits Die Hard

I must have been a very very bad person in my past life to be who I am today.

Why do I keep on falling for people who will never be mine? Why do I get attracted to troubled boys? Why do I allow myself to fall for them? Why am I this stubborn?

Why do I stay up extremely late waiting for a call, a message, a note, a smile? Why do I still go online? Why am I waiting for something that may never come? Why am I like this?

Why am I bothered by the past? Why am I concerned about the future?

Why this? Why you? Why now?

It must be true - old habits die hard. I may already be losing at my own game and it sucks.

P.S. The blogger will be getting a two-hour massage and will sleep immediately. At least, that's the plan until something comes up or he gets a message... through his phone - the way normal people communicate these days. He is tired of waiting.

Lucky (Part 1)

I was sitting by the beach with friends waiting for the best time to make a cameo at the local bar. We wanted house music that night and we knew where to go. We waited. Then you passed by. You were wearing a white sando and white cargo shorts. You glanced at me. I smiled back. You took a few more steps, looked my way and smiled. It was my sign. 

"Hey guys, I'll meet you up at the bar later. I just have somewhere to go."

They laughed. They knew what was going to happen next.

"Okay Tris, see you later. Enjoy."

I looked at your direction and saw you starting to walk behind the bamboo fence. The sound of the waters hitting the beach filled the air. I started walking behind you. You walked slower. I knew it. 

Up close, you looked so much better - nice almond eyes, lean built and that smile. I can't seem to make sense of what was happening. I felt lucky.

"Hi...", I greeted.

You smiled and greeted me back.

"Akala ko kilala kita eh..." you explained.

"It's okay. Akala ko din kilala kita...", an excuse of course.

"Friends mo sila?"

I nodded. I can't stop looking at your arms, your teeth, your eyes. You started asking me questions - my name, where I lived, how long have I been on the island, when I am leaving...

"Sino kasama mo sa room?"

"Ako lang.", I replied.

You grinned. I felt really really lucky.

"Bakit mo naman natanong?"

"Wala lang", you replied.

You told me that you were traveling with your girlfriend. You told me you were straight. I raised my brows.

"Yeah right...", I mumbled.

 You told me that she's back in the hotel, sleeping. 

"Ang sama mo, iwanan daw ba girlfriend?"

"Ewan ko ba dun, laging gusto matulog..."

"Baka buntis?", I asked.

"Baka nga... hehehe..." you said as you scratched your head.

"I'm sure pinapagod mo dito...", I fished.

"Naku, hindi naman... kaso ayun nga, tulog na..."

"So saan ang punta mo?"

"Wala naghahanap ng gimik... ikaw may gimik ka ba?"

I laughed.

"Oo naman..."

"Good.", you replied.

But something still felt not right. Lucky was never my middle name. 

"How can this happen?", I asked myself.

I was right, I may not be that lucky since you seemed a little hesitant when I suggested that we go back to my room. 

"Fine, ayaw mo wag mo...". I mumbled.

Yes, I was not really that lucky.

"San na mga barkada mo?", you asked.

"Ay oo nga no?"

I looked behind me. Everybody's gone. I could not really check my phone - I had too be cautious since the unit costs more than our entire trip combined.

"So ano plano, are you coming with me?"

"Hindi ko sure dude... I haven't done it with a guy"

"Well, there's always a first time..."

"Eh kasi... straight talaga ko dude..."

"Ah ok, sige balik na ko dun...", I said as I excused myself.

"Yeah sige. If you plan to go out tonight, maybe I'd see you again."

I felt disappointed.

"I got to go."

"Hey, pag makakadaan ka pa dito ulit and I'm still here, I might change my mind."

"Okay."

I started walking back to the hotel. I called my friends and they told me they were already at the bar. I told them I'd follow.

"O so what happened?", they asked.

"I'll make kwento later..."

I then told everyone that I'd just have to wash up and then see them. I did. A few minutes later, I was on my way to the bar. Out of curiosity, I found myself walking along the beach. There I saw you again, still sitting by the fence. 

"Uy, andito ka pa?"

"Uhmm... wala lang..."

"Oh..."

"I was actually on my way to the bar...", I explained.

"Ah okay...", you looked disappointed.

"Pwede pa ba?" you asked.

I grinned. 

"Yes, my name is Tristan "Lucky" Tan.", I whispered.

20 Things I Learned in Bed

20. Condoms can rip when used without proper lubrication. 

19. Mentholated lubricant is extremely unpleasant to use. The same goes for the warming type. Oh and shampoo.

18. Vaseline Lotion is the best alternative to KY Jelly or Durex Lubes. It's quite nice really - one feels moisturized inside and out. (Blogger's note: Whenever I smell Vaseline on someone, I would comment: "Amoy pwet ka dear.")

17. It's true: condoms have different sizes. 

16. Men can cum, while being fucked, without touching oneself. Simply amazing.

15. I may never get to sleep with someone from the upper 10% of the gay population, looks-wise.

14. I can go to bed with as many men in the remaining 90%. 

13. More often than not, versa men prefer to be bottoms than tops.

12. You can only  be curious for a day. After that, you are gay.

11. Tall men do not necessarily have big tools. Same goes with men with big feet.

10. Size does matter. (see related post: The Question)

9. Being a pure top does not give one the right to be lazy in bed. Actually, no one has the right to be lazy in bed.

8. Power bottoms are not necessarily effeminate.

7. G4M guys who put "large or extra large" on their profile often do not know how size is measured. (Blogger's note: I suggest we all develop a common standard for dick sizes.)

6. The good ones are not necessarily taken. 

5. Open relationships do not work, at least for me.

4. Cool offs are for people who do not have the balls to admit that they want to break up with their partners.

3. Love is not sweeter the second time around.

2. Good sex partners are often lousy lovers.

1. First love dies.

Déjà Vu

I was cleaning my things earlier to make way for new clutter when I found an old letter from a former flame. This was written on the cover of a CD that was full of his favorite songs. (Blogger's Note: I still wonder why this did not contain my favorite songs!). 

Reading the letter made me smile. It brought back familiar feelings much like how I felt when I went to visit my old office this afternoon. (Blogger's Note: They told me that I did not change a bit since they last saw me four years ago. It made my day, it could only mean that I still look 24 and back then, I was hot!)

The weird thing is, I can't help but notice the similarities between what happened then with what is going on right now. I am hoping, however, that my now would have a happier ending. Or better yet, it need not end at all.

Once upon a time, August nun, uhmm 10pm daw... 

nabore ang isang nursing student uhmm napakasimpleng nursing student, 

nabore sya kasi naubusan sya ng Ragnarok load

kaya naisipan nyang maglinis ng kanyang kwarto 

at sa hindi inaasahang pangyayari ay kanyang natagpuan 

ang isang napakalumang sulatan na naglalaman ng mga lumang telephone numbers. 

Naisipan nyang tawagan isa isa pero nagulat sya 

kasi kakaiba ang isang numero kaya nya tinawagan ito

at hindi nya inaasahan na ang makakasagot ay walang iba kung hindi si... 

LIPAAAAAD... 

KRYSTALA.

Naalala ko tuloy nung una tayong nag-usap. 

Tawa lang tayo ng tawa kahit hindi pa tayo close. 

Di naglaon, naging maayos naman ang kanilang pag-uusap. 

At sa di inaasahang pangyayari ay kailangan lumipad ni Krystala papuntang Iloilo 

kaya naman napaaga ang kanilang EB. 

At kagaya ng inaasahan, 

hindi naging kaaya-aya ang kanilang pagkikita. 

Pero di naglaon, dahil sa powers ng Krystal Ball

unti-unting ginayuma nya ang mabait at batang nurse. 

At habang lumalaon ay gabi-gabi na silang nag-uusap. 

Hanggang isang gabi, habang nakasakay sa jeepney ang cute na nurse, 

napansin nya ang mga kumukutikutitap na Christmas lights 

at naamoy na nya ang Christmas Pine Scent ng Surf. 

Wakoko. 

Naramdaman nya na parang masarap ngayong panahon na ito. 

Kaya nung December 1, 

ipinagtapat na ng nurse na mahal na nya si Krystala. 

At doon nagsimula ang kanilang pag-iibigan.

P.S.

My ex-lover likened me to  Krystala, with matching super powers.   

He claimed that I used my powers to make him fall in love with me.

He cringes whenever he sees me watching the show. 

Deep inside, I knew he loved it too. 

Day 7: Next Level

It took a while to get there; seven days to be exact. 

"Ang hirap nun ah..."

You laughed. I was seriously going crazy - it felt as if I finally got the winning lotto numbers.

"Mabuti pinaghihirapan... para hindi agad matapos...", you explained.

"Who says this has to end?", I asked.

I am excited with all the possibilities. 

"Especially after last night..."

Day 6: Ironic

"Sa abroad ba yan?", you asked.

Hesitantly, I said yes.

"Akala ko kasi sa Manila lang..."

I frowned. I wondered what made you even think that I was planning to go abroad. I was not ready to tell you - at least not yet. I would have wanted to keep it a secret until the time I would have the courage to face the possibility of moving. Right now, I felt I was not yet ready so I kept mum. I was not ready to let you go.

"Pag natanggap ka, kailan ka aalis?"

I felt my heart stop. I was silent for a moment.

"Ingat ka dun... pakabait ka..."

I can feel your pain and no amount of words could ever make it go away, at least for now. I wanted to tell you how I have been thinking about this since we met. I have told you before that when it comes to relationships, I look further ahead. Before I start anything with anyone, I make sure that I can run the whole course. My life is still on hold, until further notice, so there's really no point in thinking about it just yet.

"Wag na muna kasi natin pag-usapan yan...", I suggested.

But you wanted to know for you to plan ahead.

"Iiwan mo din pala ako..."

I was speechless. I can feel my eyes well up. I had to stop myself.

"If you only know how I feel...", I whispered.

"I think fate is playing with me again. Why does it seem that I cannot really have it all?", I replied.

You nodded in agreement.

"Ganun ata talaga... ikaw ata karma ko."

I tried to salvage the night by shifting the mood but it can never be done. 

"Ang swerte mo naman kung ako ang karma mo...", I retorted.

Behind the laughter, I can feel pain. 

"Masaya ako para sa yo..."

"Ako, masaya ako na nandyan ka..."

If I can only hug you right now, I would.

Simply Mind-Boggling

"Mr. Tristan Tan, please tell us why did you apply for this job? What are you bringing in? What are you hoping to get from this?"

I took a sip of coffee, looked at the camera and smiled.

"Good evening ladies, it is indeed a pleasure to be here today.

I hope you have had a wonderful dinner because I had a very wonderful breakfast myself.

Needless to say, I am so delighted to have been given the opportunity to represent our country in this very fantastic question and answer portion.

Oh and thank you too for that very mind-boggling question - they are indeed very good questions.

My responses to these would be:

One, I believe in fate and it is my destiny to apply to this job for the betterment of my country, my fellow human beings and the world. I just hope you see the passion in my eyes and not just my fashion which may I say is really, really expensive. I really want this job.

On question number two, I will bring with me, myself and my dreams because they are my reality. I hope you will all be dreaming of me tonight, tomorrow, and for all of your lives... because there is no one in the world that you'd rather get - it's just simply me.

As to your last question, I am hoping for true love and of course, world peace.

I thank you."

Had I not taken that extra hour of sleep last night, I would have probably answered the above when I was interviewed today. Good thing, I slept.

Whew.

Day 5: Kismet

I have always believed in fate. I would often claim that I would never be where I am now if certain things did not happen in the past. I would not have met the people I know now if I did not take that quick left turn. I would not have fallen in love with some if I did not go online, if I did not take that extra walk in the park, if I did not stay longer in the bar, if I did not take that one phone call, if I did not start blogging.

Some people could argue that it was I who chose to take that left turn; That I decided to stay longer online and that I opted to walk than take a cab. It was even a personal choice to blog. I can never tell them that they are wrong and that I am right. I still stand by what I believe in because it works for me.

Had I not started blogging here, thanks to the prodding of my physician, I would not have met you. I would not have known you even existed. I would not have listened to your story. I would not have gotten disappointed. I would not have been as happy as I had been these days. I would not have known that I was still capable of being human. I do not regret taking the roads I have taken for they have led me to you.

"Tingin mo nagkita na kaya tayo dati?", I asked.

"Sa Boracay, last year.", you replied.

"Tingin ka nga ng tingin sa kin...", you continued.

"Malamang, kasi labas ang itlog mo.", I retorted.

Then I wondered. Could it be possible that we have met before?

"Alam mo, may nakilala ko sa Bora noon, may GF na kasama..."

"Napaisip tuloy ako...", you replied.

"Ako din...",

"Kismet ba to?"

"Kismet?", I asked.

"Google.", you suggested.

I did as I was told.'

Kismet
One entry found.
Main Entry: kis·met Pronunciation:
\ˈkiz-ˌmet, -mət\Function: noun

1: the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do : destiny

Probably fate has taken its course, yet again.

Weak

Please stop tempting me with your sweet nothings
You are evil and I should stay away
Please stop -

I am begging you, please

Your sweetness still lingers on my lips
The memory of you, remains fresh
I cannot help but giggle everytime we meet
And I hate myself for it

I feel weak with you around
and always find myself giving in
I have suffered much because of you
And I already promised to let you go

Please stop tempting me with your glazed sweetness
You are evil and I should really let you go
Please stay away from me, Krispy Kremes
I am only human - I am weak.

P.S. Donuts anyone? Drop me a line. *wink*wink*

Day 4: Fool Again

... I should have seen it coming,

... I should have read the signs.

... Anyway, I guess it's over.

Day 3: Short

Ineeded to shake things off. The feelings have been quite extreme - ultra mega super roller coaster. It hit me right smack in the face. So I had a haircut.

"Hi Tristan, how'd you like your hair done?"

"Short. Please cut it really really short."

My stylist, B, smiled.

"Bad day ba?"

I was unable to reply. I looked at him in the eyes. He knew what I wanted to say.

"Sige, short.", he obliged.

"Hmm, super short please!", I requested again.

A few minutes in his chair, my hair was cut really short.

Shampoo. Blow dry. Style.

"Much better...", I whispered.

"Uhm B, skinhead kaya?", I begged.

He scratched his head and laughed.

"That bad?", he asked.

"I don't know. I fell. I really did.", I explained.

"Eh yun naman pala..."

I finally smiled.

"B, wag na skin head. Ayoko magmukhang itlog."

He laughed.

"Buti natauhan ka."

I smiled.

Shaving off my hair will only remove one thing - my hair. Besides, I still like him. It has not changed. I would just need to know him more before I continue falling.

... with or without his complications.


P.S. My laptop is being repaired so I'm blogging on my phone. Adik ano? Oh well.