Biker Boy

I thought I had already forgotten how to play the game. But it seems that we never unlearn these things, much like biking. Such is the case with Ben, my biker boy.

"San ka pala grad?", you asked.

"Ahh sa _ _ _ _", I replied.

"Uy, madami sex dun ah?"

"Ha? Well not when I was there... wholesome ako eh...", I explained.

"Baka naman whoresome..."

"Gago, conservative ako..."

"Sige na nga, I believe you..."

"Yeah right...", I muttered.

And the conversation went on.

"Uy pansin mo sa steam room, yung guy sa dulo tumitingin sa yo..."

"So tinitingnan mo ko?", I laughed.

"Uhmm... parang ganun na nga..."

"Ay may ganun?", I whispered.

"Manyak!", I replied.

And more recently.

"Good morning!", you greeted like you always did.

"Uhm, hi... ;)", I replied.

"Kamusta na?"

"I'm okay...", I texted back.

And then, just when I least expected.

"I miss you..."

I almost fell off my chair.

"Now where did that come from?"

What Tarot Card Are You?

Now isn't this strange, MkSurf8? LOL.

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition. Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

It's My Turn to Play

"Uy pare, musta na?", you texted me this morning.

I was surprised to read you on my phone. I sent a reply your way.

"I'm okay. Just woke up."

"Ako din eh... kumain ka na ba pare?"

"Pare pala ah...", I whispered.

And that was how it all started. My biker boy sent messages the whole day. Most of the questions leading to the inevitable.

"May boyfriend ka na ba?"

I laughed when I read his message.

"Wala, ikaw?, I replied.

"Wala din..."

"Okay lang ba if I ask you out next week?", you continued.

I laughed again. But deep inside I was confused. I am not ready for this. I am not ready, period. I am still in love but I am also hurting. 

"Come on Tristan, it's your time to play...", I heard myself say.

I took a deep breath.

"Sure, let me know when.", I finally replied.

Checklist

It was April of 2008 when I first posted this list on my other website. I am reposting the list here to check how close I got to what I wanted.

*******************

I refuse to date losers. After my last relationship (Blogger's Note: July 2007), I told myself that I will never ever settle again for someone who is not quite right. Seven years of failed attempts and broken hearts support this decision. Anyway, I have made life easier for everyone, including myself, by making a checklist of characteristics I am looking for. I can still dream, right? 

1. I need to laugh often. If you cant make me laugh then forget it, things will not work out. Mababaw lang kaligayahan ko.

2. You have to make sense. I do not need a geek (Blogger's Note: Geek, this does not refer to you of course), I just need someone who is smarter than me. I'm sorry my dear, knowing the names of all the bones and muscles in the body does not make you smart. Knowing how to get around the metro might give you a better chance (read: street smart).

3. You have to speak and write well. I cannot be your language teacher/editor - I do that all the time at work so I would not like to be one at home too.

4. You have to look decent. If I were to look at you every waking morning then you have to look nice, right? If I were to introduce you to my friends, you would at least need to look human. No, I will not settle for a puppy - at least not anymore.

5. I need someone who has a decent job (Blogger's Note: Bottomline is you should be self-sufficient). No, I will not depend on you for my expenses but hey, let's face it, you have to be my equal. If you have a decent job with decent working hours, send me a message and let's schedule a movie date. *wink*wink*

6. You need to know what you're doing. I would not mind teaching you but please learn the basics. 

7. You have to know how to respect my alone time. Please stop hugging me while Im sleeping, I cant sleep. It may look sweet but a boy needs to sleep alone every now and then. I also cannot stand another person in the bathroom while I'm taking a crap - it's just too invasive! (Blogger's Note: Oops TMI)

8. The Toothpaste Basic. I am just looking for someone who knows how to properly press the toothpaste out of the tube. (Blogger's Note: Sorry, OC)

9. Foodie. You have to be someone who loves good food. 

10. Ready for Me. Lastly, someone who would take me just the way I am. I can change a little but hey, a boy can only do so much. I'm one package - as is, where is.

I think I did well - I almost got there. 

Love Defined

Sometimes, love can still exist even without the label. I have come to realize that I need not be in a relationship to be in love. There is really no need to complicate the already complicated. 

Give me more loving than I’ve ever had

Make me feel better when I’m feeling sad

Tell me I’m special even though I know I’m not

Make me feel good when I hurt so bad

Barely getting mad

I’m so glad I found you

I love being around you

You make it easy...

To you, thank you for loving me the way you do. For now, that should be enough.

Locker 61

I was pissed, frustrated and feeling alone so I decided to go get dressed and leave the house at quarter past ten. I reached my destination a few minutes later. I paid my bill and unceremoniously proceeded to the lockers. I had Locker 62. I took off my clothes and wrapped a towel around my waist and proceeded directly to the wet floor. It was only then when I saw what was really going on around me. There was a party. It was like Malate on a Saturday night. There were dozens of people sitting around the pool area. A few in the sauna and some were in the steam room. 

"Wow...", I whispered.

I felt people looking at me, probably in utter disgust, the moment I stepped in. I was unaffected. I glided past them and proceeded to the vacant shower stall. I would have wanted to bare myself in the open shower but it was occupied. I would have loved to see disgusted faces looking at my ass when I take the shower.

After a quick rinse, I got myself a glass of water and proceeded to the steam room. Inside, there were guys of all shapes and sizes. All had towels wrapped around their waists. Only one stood out, he was wearing his boxer briefs. 

"Naman...", I commented.

I took a seat directly across him. He looked at me while I removed my towel and placed it in front of me. 

"I know this game...", I said to myself.

The heat of the steam was too much to handle. After a few minutes, I left the steam room and loitered around the pool area. I noticed gay couples sitting side by side. Koreans dangling their little birdies. Shameless Pinoys seducing other shameless Pinoys. It was a crazy Malate scene, only it was in Quezon City.

"This is all so pretentious.", I muttered.

It was really funny. Everybody's gay and everybody knew this for a fact. But everyone also wanted to increase their market value by acting discreetly. I sighed. I then decided to finally get a massage.

"Sir, male or female?", the attendant asked.

"Was she asking about me?", I wondered.

"Male please...", I said smiling.

The attendant ushered me to the nearest cube where someone was already halfway done with his massage. His butt now peeled for everyone to see, everyone except him.

"Shit, ganyan din ako mamaya...", I thought.

The massage was, as usual, technically done. I felt like a piece of meat being pounded by my masseur. He was in fact a very big guy. He was tall and stocky. I was actually scared of him. He might just pull my arms off. 

"Sir, madalas ka ba dito?", he asked as he was massaging my ass.

"Uhmm, medyo...", I lied.

"Sino masahista nyo?"

"Ah kahit sino..."

"Sir, next time ako na lang ulit...", his fingers almost between my crack.

"Damn...", I thought.

"Ah ano, okay sige...", I was confused.

It ended with me being pulled in all directions. I heard the guy on the other bed snoring. I giggled. I left the massage room feeling refreshed. Then I remembered someone. I sighed. 

"Naiisip kaya nya ko?", I asked.

I put on my robe and started walking to the dining area. I was not really hungry so I proceeded to the locker area to get my phone and my Frost. I went back to get myself a drink. I lit a cigarette and took a sip from my glass. It was then I saw you.

You were in your early thirties. Lean built and your nice chest can be seen from your half-open robe. 

"Oh it's the boxer briefs guy...", I remembered.

You looked at me and smiled. I nodded. You then started walking to my direction. 

"Tol, pasindi naman..."

I handed you my Cricket. You lit a cigarette and started smoking it in front of me. You had a glass of orange juice in your hand and you placed it on my table.

"Uh oh... here it comes...", I whispered.

"San na kasama mo?", you asked.

"Ah ako lang..."

"Taga san ka?"

"Ortigas... ikaw?"

"Dito lang sa area..."

After a few exchanges and while I was checking my online messenger, you asked me for my number. 

"Hindi ko dala phone ko nasa baba...", you explained.

"Ok lang..."

"Kunin mo na lang number ko... it's 0929... Ben."

I smiled as I typed away your number on my phone. A few more exchanges and we agreed to eat before continuing anything. You then went back to your table where your "friend" was waiting. It was then that I realized.

"So what was so surprising again with the fact that some people find me hot?"

I laughed.

Blogger's Note: While I was getting dressed, Ben took out his phone from his locker and got my number. I found out that he was using Locker 61, mine was 62. He is a visual artist, a biker, and a sports enthusiasts. He rarely goes clubbing. He was with his ever so tolerant best friend who happens to be a member of a popular university choir. Oh and he's a top... large.

Reposted: This is NOT Funny Anymore

Blogger's Note: The blogger received a nasty comment on this post and I rejected it. It was poorly written and just plain "slum-ish". In any case, I thought long and hard about what this person said but after an interesting night out highlighted by a relaxing massage somewhere, I realized that I need not prove anything to anyone. Hindi ko kasalanan kung nilalapitan ako. Go have your brains checked, if applicable err the brains I mean.

"Tall Iced-Latte Non-fat for Tristan...", the barista announced.

I took out my receipt and approached the table. 

"Hi, I'm Tristan..."

"Enjoy your drink Tristan.", you looked at me smiling.

I winked. You grinned.

"Thanks, JC...", I said as I left the counter.

I looked at you on my way out. You were still looking at me. I took a table outside the coffee shop. I lit myself a stick and sipped my coffee. I looked around and people-watched. I checked my phone and browsed the internet. When I looked up, I saw you standing in front of me with a wipe cloth.

"Tristan... may number ka?"

I laughed. I looked at you and you were looking at the counter probably trying to check if someone was looking. I looked at the counter and when I sure that no one was looking I took out a pen and wrote my number on a tissue paper. You were already clearing up the other table. I pushed the tissue with my number on it under the tray. You turned around and got the tray and the tissue. You smiled at me and then went back to the counter. I took a sip from my glass. I tried to be coy. I took hold of my phone and texted a friend. 

"Damn friend, this is not happening..."

My friend replied.

"Ano kwento?", he replied.

I giggled and started typing away. Just as I was about the send the message, my phone beeped. 

"Hi Tristan, JC to. "

From where I was sitting, I looked at you. You were smiling.

"Hi JC..."

And at that moment, I felt numb.

"Lord naman eh... nawiwili ka na..."

I left the coffee shop smiling and knowing that at least one person is still interested enough to get to know me better than I know myself. Then I remembered a friend saying,

"Pag may gusto may paraan. Pag ayaw maraming dahilan."

And I felt a lot better.

Not Again?

My legs were already hurting from more than three hours of walking around the campus. I was already bored and smoke-free. I had to excuse myself. I looked around for a suitable place to smoke. That was when I saw you.

You were around 5'8ish, wearing a blue Ralph Lauren polo shirt (looks Hong Kong to me), lean built, chinky-eyed, smooth and your hair falls just above your eyebrows. You had a perfect nose, the one that highlights your features. You were going for that rich chinito boy look. And I, I was wearing my Jollibee-inspired shirt from uhmm, nevermind. Our eyes locked for a couple of seconds. You smiled. I smiled back.

I found my way walking pass you and your friends. I had my Frost in hand and my Cricket in my pocket. I decided that the best spot to smoke was beyond the parking lot just in front of the building. I never expected that you would follow.

"Hi, tagal ng graduation ano?", you tried to make conversation.

"Oo nga eh... sakit na paa ko..", I tried to be cute while lighting a stick.

"Nagyoyosi ka pala...", you commented

I nodded.

"He's just making conversation Tristan.", I assured myself.

"So taga san ka?", you asked.

"Uhm sa may Ortigas pero my family lives near here.", I replied.

"Ah ako I work in Ortigas din. ", you replied.

"So sino nag-graduate senyo?", you asked.

"My sister..."

"Ako din kapatid ko... pero barkada ko mga kasama ko" you said.

I was already comfortable until you asked

"May number ka ba tol?"

"Ay saka ano nga pala name mo?"

"Tristan...", I replied.

"Ako si Josh."

I looked at you for a moment. Those chinky eyes were really so nice. Your lips were so pink. I took a deep breathe but before I could say anything, I heard you say...

"Ganito na lang, here's my number 0917-8..."

"Text mo na lang ako...",

I was dumbfounded. All I remember was that I took out my phone and started typing in your number. I never bothered to give you mine. I was caught unprepared. Oh and then I also noticed that you're on a Globe plan as well. Good.

"Tristan, balik na ko dun baka hinahanap na ko..."

"Sure...", I said smiling.

"Text ka ha...", you said as you walked away.

I took one final puff and threw the butt at the nearest trash bin. I was still in shock.

"What just happened?", I asked myself.

As I lit another cigarette, I wondered.

"Was that another joke?"

P.S. I have not texted Josh. Maybe, in time, I will. But right now, I am still jaded.

The Dream

I had a dream. I dreamt that I was walking along the streets of an unfamiliar city. The air was chilly and the sun had just begun to set. The lights from the nearby posts lit the well-paved streets. The streets were practically empty. With my bag hanging from my shoulder, I walked ever so slowly to an unknown destination. I looked around and I saw a shadow lurking by the corner. My hands turned cold. I felt scared. I tried to cross the street. Until I heard a familiar voice.

"Tristan...", you called.

I looked at you. Your eyes now shone from the light. I took a second look. Your face looked familiar. I  know I have seen you somewhere in the past but I was not sure. I stopped walking. I stared at you for a while. You gave me a quick nod. I started walking to your direction. I was now finally in front of you. From where I was, I tried to recall who you were. 

"Come on Tristan, think.", I whispered.

You were smiling at me. 

"Kamusta na?"

I gave you a confused look.

"Do I know you?"

You stared at me. I saw tears form in the corners of your eyes.

"Tristan, it's me..."

Nothing.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?", I asked.

You turned your back and started walking away. You never looked back. While I, I stood still. And then it hit me. 

"Now, I remember him. He was me before all of this."

Introspection

My brief conversation with someone tonight made me think about many things. It made me realize that sometimes it is good to reflect on who you are, as a person, before moving forward and facing change. Hence, before I leave, I plan to take a closer look at who I am and where I want to be. I will try to confirm if my initial reflections are still accurate:

• That I can be so predictable. 

• That I can be so transparent.

• That I can be quite pathetic. 

• That I am stubborn.

• That I am still human.

• That I can change. 
  

I will be traveling to my favorite place alone within the next couple of weeks. Who knows, I might just bump into someone there. Right, someone? 

Now if I can just get my flight confirmed. Ugh.

Single Anyway

Finally had my coffee fix this afternoon. Who knew that coffee can be really tiring? I left my laptop open and when I arrived, after a few hours, voila!

• Seventeen online messages. Of which 16 asking for my number and a meet up. And one, for friendship asking for my number, a meet up and my preferred sexual position. Yeah right...
• Eight profile messages. All for sex. At least this one's clear. 

I took a look at all of them; some were good enough. A few, nice choices. I thought for a while. It was a tough decision but I eventually found myself hitting the delete button several times.

Tonight, I am abstaining from all of them. 

Even if I am single.

Starting Over

I am to live a new life in a few more weeks and the feeling is just slowly sinking in. I am scared. I just realized that everything will change. I will leave everything and everybody behind - it's so surreal. 

My life now is already acceptable. I have a job and it pays the bills. I have my own place and it serves its purpose. I have a good network of friends and, quite importantly, fuck buddies who keep me company. My family is here. My life is here. This is my oyster, my own cocoon, my comfort zone.

I wanted to test my marketability so I applied elsewhere. Luckily (and as expected... LOL) I got in. Now this? Why did I choose this for myself? I really don't know. Maybe this is meant to be.

I am now trying to make sense of the new life that awaits me. I am already so confused with maps. I still can't figure out North, South, East and West. I am scouting for an apartment. I am extremely amazed at how expensive rent could be. I am puzzled by zip codes. I am scared of not being home for emergencies, holidays; of being alone during lonely days. I will surely miss my friends (and FBs). I have a lot of "what ifs". I am anxious of what might happen in the next few weeks. And, unfortunately, the worse part of all of this is that I am alone now and I feel alone. 

Is this how things should be? 

Why do I need to do this?  

Did I make the right decision? 

Is this what I want? 

Is this what will make me happy? 

Damn. So many questions, so alone.

Farewell Sex

We met a few months ago. I even blogged about you at one point. 

We first spoke on the phone. Even then, I was already intimidated by you. So intimidated in fact that I tried to catch up. You grew up in the States, now working in Manila, while I am homegrown. I hate to admit it but, on hindsight, I was attracted to you and your "bad boy" image (oh yes, I go for the bad boys). You hated my lifestyle but you got over it. We eventually decided to meet up. 

"Tristan, have you had dinner yet?"

"No, not yet. I don't plan to."

"Diet?"

"Yeah..."

"I'm bringing dessert anyway..."

My perverted mind took over. Dessert is fine. I laughed.

"Hi!", you greeted me with a smile.

"Uy, how are you?", I greeted back, grinning.

"I brought dessert.", you said as you handed me a box of cake.

"Perfect, thanks."

That night, you and I talked. 

"Tristan, do you like me?", you confidently asked.

I smiled.

"Why do you ask?"

"I just wanna know...", you explained.

"Yeah, I do."

"I don't want you to see other guys."

"And why is that?", I asked.

"If I'm gonna be with you, you can't."

"What made you think I'd go for you?", I asked.

"Ayaw mo ba?", you clarified.

"I'm not ready for something serious."

"Oh, okay..."

That night, we slept on the same bed. Nothing happened. I woke up a virgin.

"Hi Tristan!", you texted again.

"Uy! Musta?"

"My body aches. Where are you?"

"Condo...", I replied.

"Is it okay if I drop by?"

I was confused. I have not seen him since. Why now?

"Sure. You still know the place, right?"

"Yeah. I'll be there in 15 minutes."

"What?", I panicked.

He looked much leaner when I saw him outside my door, grinning. Shaved head, nice arms, same tattoo. 

"Musta Tristan?"

I smiled. 

"What's going on?"

"I just wanted to find out what I missed.", you explained.

"I know what you mean.", I said as I laughed.

We finally decided to get it on.

"Was it all you ever imagined?", I asked, laughing.

"Yeah, it was worth the wait.", you smiled.

"Gago ka kasi..."

"Ikaw kaya... you didn't want me then!"

"Because you were too imposing.", I explained.

"I still like you. Do you still like me now?", you asked.

I smiled.

"I guess this will never work, right?", you asked.

"I'm sorry , I'm leaving."

"And besides, I was just curious about you.",  I whispered as I crossed you off my list.

Oh No!

"San ba galing ang mga manyak na to?"

I wondered as I wrapped a towel around my waist. 

"So ano nga ulit name mo?", I asked.

"Jake...", you replied.

I laughed. 

"Jake lang?"

"Jake Vincent.", you clarifed.

"JV tawag sa kin ng mga barkada ko...", you continued

"Joke po ba ito?", I whispered as I rolled my eyes.

I wanted to believe what was going on but I think I have had enough of these games to last me a long time. 

"Tristan, may boyfriend ka ba?", I heard you ask.

My jaws dropped. I looked at you with plain amazement. 

"Wala."

"Pwede ka bang ligawan?"

I let out a hearty laugh. 

"Sorry tol, I don't do relationships.", I lied.

You seemed a bit surprised. 

"Ah bakit?", you asked.

"Ayoko lang..."

You looked disappointed. 

"Ok lang yan...", I assured you.

I tapped your shoulder with the hope that you'd understand. 

"Go get dressed. Libog lang yan...", I finally said.

"Sige na nga..."

Just as I was about to close the door, you came back. 

"Dinner? My treat.", you asked.

I laughed.

"Ang kulit!"

And I finally said yes.

Just for a Day

It was a long day and things just came piling up on my desk. I did not get much sleep the night before and my day was just run by cups of coffee and occasional sticks. My head spun like crazy. If only I could have my way, I would have just called in sick for work. But I cannot afford to do so, at least not today.

"Oh oh.. bawal ang mag-emote...", I would tell myself every time I would remember something.

Strings of email took my attention off my own concerns. If I could just tell people what was going on, it could have been a whole lot easier. But I can't, not just yet. 

"It was the right thing to do...",  I would convince myself.

It was already past seven when I started fixing my stuff.

"Finally, Friday...", I mumbled as I locked my desk drawer.

I found myself taking the lift. I lit a stick when I reached the designated smoking area and took in some smoke. I looked around me: everybody seemed to have plans;  people were hailing cabs;  some giggling with their friends. I tried to ignore the lovers that passed before me. I focused on the city skyline - starless. 

"Great, just great..."

I thought long and hard and then I realized.

"Damn, this is so pathetic."

Winner: Too Much Information Contest

I am just glad that he's safe.

The Morning After

He woke up this morning and the repercussions of their decisions finally hit him. The feeling slowly sank in; rendering him weak. He looked around him and saw an empty room. He closed his eyes and felt tears flow on his cheeks.

"Damn it... no..."

He turned around, wiped his cheeks and checked his phone. It was an empty night. He looked for his other line and then he remembered,

"Ahh yeah, burned."

He turned on the music player. It was David Archuleta's "A Little Too Not Over You."

"Naman... not helping"

He closed his eyes again and prayed.

"Strength to get through this..."

"The heart to start over..."

"Happiness..."

"Please, just let the pain go away."

He then lit a cigarette and with a broken heart he whispered the final verse of his silent prayer.

"Oh and if You are feeling generous, ako din sana kelangan ko din yun."

Goodbye, For Now

Last night, I asked you to take a stand. Tonight, you finally did.

"Hi, kamusta? San ka?", you asked.



"Dito lang, Starbucks. I did not want to go home yet."


"Nag-usap na kami...", you explained.

I held my breath.

"And?", I asked.


"We're gonna try and make it work...", you finally uttered.

I was speechless. My head was spinning. My heart, breaking.

"It's okay. I understand.", I quickly replied.

I felt my eyes water.

"This is the reason why I did not want to go home...", I explained.


"At least pag nasa labas ako, I cannot cry..."

I heard you sigh. I felt your pain.

"Ang hirap no?", I asked.


"Yeah...", was all you were able to muster.


"We have to do this...", I explained.


"But promise me one thing...", I continued.


"Yes, yun ang una kong gagawin."

I took a deep breath.

"So I guess this is goodbye?", you asked.


"Is that what you want?"

Silence. I knew the answer to my question.

"Goodbye Tristan..."

I was silent.

"Goodbye...", I whispered.


"Please ibaba mo na ang phone...", you pleaded.

I carefully listened to your breathing, for the last time.

"Please....", you begged.


"I love you Jay Vee.", I finally said as I hung up.

Blogger's Note: I will be leaving the country very soon, for good. The new me will start a new life in a new land. Lahat bago, pati ako.

Bittersweet

This is what I have been saying - I cannot have it all. This email should explain it:

Dear Mr. Tristan Tan:

I am writing on behalf of the head of the Police Unit.

I am very pleased to inform you that based on the results of the competitive recruitment process and your natural charms, the senior management has selected you for the position of Super Slave. Shortly, we will coordinate your transfer with Human Resources.

We will give you a mind-blowing package that will be bigger, better and brighter than ever seen. You will be flown in from your country, first class, to the land of milk and honey. Here, hopefully, you will start anew.

Kindly discuss your release date with your master, and inform the Chief of Police of that date. If necessary, the Chief of Police will contact your master to negotiate an acceptable release date. We would like to bring you aboard within the next thirty days.

We are looking forward to you joining our superfreakinfabulous team.

Congratulations and best regards.

Sun Pal

I am confused as to how this would work.

"You call, I answer?", I wondered.

Then I thought some more:

"What if I would like to call, will you answer?"

And one more:

"If I want to see you, will you come and see me?"

And another:

"If I say 'I love you', will you say it back?"

I thought long and hard.

"So basically, what will happen is that I will be following your life, right?"

And then it struck me:

"I deserve way better than this..."

And I finally concluded:

"I'm gonna wait for your balls to descend. Then maybe, just maybe, I'd choose you again."

Mahirap Talaga

Now this song makes perfect sense.

The First Step

Take me far away and let me be happy

For you know I am happiest when I'm with you

Forget the past and take a step forward

The road is before you; time is short

I'll take you far away and I'll make you happy

For I can; and you know I will

Forget the past and I'll move a step backward

Time is short; this road undiscovered

The future is before us; let us take a chance

To live the life we want to live; the life we deserve

Take a step forward, I'll take one step back

For love is upon us, we just have to take that step 

The Deadline

I believe in fate as much as I believe in divine intervention.

Tonight, God answered my prayers.

At sa iyo, maraming salamat.

As usual, perfect timing.

Loving Tristan

I love the way he fixes his hair in the morning.

I love that he chooses his shirt colors depending on his mood.

I love that he knows what perfume to wear for the right occasion.

I love that he now enjoys oatmeal for breakfast.

I love that he tries to dress better these days.

I love that he now invests in good clothes to look and feel good.

I love that he now understands the value of expensive underwear.

I love that he is now as vain as he could be. 

I love that he now enjoys the fruits of his labor.

I love that he is proud of what he has already achieved.

I love that he never allows others to step on his toes.

I love that he knows where we wants to be in the future.

I love the way he carefully ties his shoes before hitting the gym floor.

I love the way he struggles to dance during class, sometimes barely hitting the right moves.

I love that he forgets all his problems by running it off.

I love the way he flirts in the gym with unsuspecting closets. 

I love the way he wraps his towel on his way to sauna.

I love the way it falls off as soon as he get in.

I love the way he soaps himself under the warm shower.

I love that he never feels like a whore.

I love that he knows what he wants.

I love that he often gets what he wants.

I love that he never feels used by others.

I love the fact that he finally knows his worth.

I love that he rarely falls in love. 

I love that when he falls he falls hard.

I love that he knows when he is already hooked.

I love him more when he is honest with himself.

I love that he is rarely afraid to admit the fact that he's hurting.

I love that he is so transparent; that he is so easy to read.

I love that he knows when things are already out of control.

I love that he knows when it is time to stop.

I love that he falls and rises with every heartbreak.

I love that he knows rejection like the palm of his hand.

I love that he understands how it feels to be left behind.

I love that he also knows when to say goodbye.

I love that he recently fell in love again.

I love that this time, he showed his real colors.

I love that he has not really cried over his loss, until now.

I love that he finally realized that he loves himself more.

Tonight, I bid goodbye to Bad Boy and his memories.

There is no need to wait for closure; our story is finally closed.

Tonight, Tristan will sleep with a peaceful heart.

For tomorrow will be another day to love himself even more.

Reposted: Blog Holiday, No More

Blogger's Note: I am reposting this blog to finally close a chapter. This is really is it.

A picture paints a thousand words.

In my case, a screenshot explains the whole story.

To you, Jay Vee a.k.a Bad Boy 

of the now defunct sekretongmalupit.blogspot.com

Thank you for all the memories.

I still pray for your happiness.

Needless to say, 

Tristan Tan is no longer on a holiday.

P.S. Expect a eulogy for Bad Boy in the coming days. I will pay tribute to the only guy, in years, who was able to capture Tristan's heart albeit for a short span of time. He died from a plane crash on the way to Laoag. It's either that or he got back together with his best man (who also happens to be on the same trip) and decided to break my heart.

Reposted: A New Day, Again

Blogger's Note: I am reposting this blog that was first published last March 7. I pulled this out that same day. A blogger friend suggested that I wait a few more days. Now, the time has come. 

I used to do extemporaneous speeches when I was a kid. I remember that my trainer would always remind me never to start a speech by apologizing for something. I would assume that this could also apply to blogging. But today, I plan to break that rule (or just a part of it.).

"I am sorry."

I apologize for yesterday's emo posts and the one before that and the other one, and the other one - the ones that began with "A New Day". It was just that whenever I fall in love or at least experience a part of it, I would normally find myself expecting a little (or sometimes a lot from the other person) depending on the gravity of the conversations. I should probably follow's Joaqui's personal mantra this year: Everything light, No complications, No expectations, No frustrations. Light is just right.

In the last three weeks, I have fallen in love with someone and I expected that it could work. You know our story. He was my answered prayer. I fell in love. I thought he did too, well he said he did. Oh well, water under the bridge. 

By some twist of fate (and the heavens playing with me) and most likely influenced by his personal choices, something happened. I lost Bad Boy. He probably died the same way that Rustom did - from a plane crash (thanks McVie for the info). His remains cannot be found. He is missing in action. He is on AWOL. And I, the one who expected too much, had the worst birthday of my entire life, so far.

"Curiousity did not kill the cat, expectations did."

A cynical friend whom I tried to date a few months back commented on the possibility of being sad on my birthday. He said with his rather high-pitched telephone voice, 

"It's okay to be sad on your birthday, you have 364 more days in the year to be happy..."

I think he is right. Today, as I begin the first of the three hundred sixty four days before I hit thirty, I will strive to be happy, by myself. 

"You told me you would never want to hurt me. Well guess what, it was effortless."

I may still need closure from what happened with Bad Boy. I need to know what happened. Do you think BB Gandanghari would know? OMG, Bad Boy is probably with BB in Boracay? Shit.

Reposted: For The Last Time

I heard your name today again, somewhere 

And still, it sent shivers down my spine

The memory of yesterday remains 

As clear as the day I met you, my beautiful nightmare

I woke up this morning from a dream
With you in it, yet again. 

In my dream you were with someone

"It's Monday Tristan, don't be a fool..."

It seems I am still unable to move forward
From something that was trivial, on hindsight
But the feelings I shared were true back then
Stuck in the moment - my heart refuses to budge

I wish I could make the feeling stop
If only casual hook ups can take away the pain
Damn you, for breaking me apart
Now only time, in time, can set me free

I miss you still is an understatement
I want you back is forever my fervent prayer
But today I say goodbye to you my dear
And say I love you, for the last time

In Pursuit of Happiness

I psyched myself. I was going to have fun, no matter what. 

"It's been a long time since, Tristan...", I told myself as I was getting ready.

Armed with a pack of Dunhill, a couple of condoms (just in case), my invisible wallet and a toothy smile, I took the cab to the place where happiness abound and insecurities thrive. 

The usual beat greeted me as I entered its gated halls. I excused myself from my friends to check out the scene on the second floor before I started dancing. As usual snotty gays were everywhere. Everybody looked alien. In fact, many of them indeed looked like an alien. I scanned the dance floor for a familiar face. It was an interesting mix but the whole scene made me feel a little empty.

"So is this what you expected?", I asked myself.

I took a deep breath. I pulled out my stash and lit myself a stick. I later found myself by the stairs when I heard a familiar voice...

"All the single ladies.... all the single ladies..."

My heart skipped. It was my song. 

"Now put your hands up!"

And I did. I found my body swaying along. I closed my eyes and hummed.

"Uh oh oh, oh oh oh oh..."

I slowly made my way to the ledge. I wanted to let it all go. My world was spinning. I am becoming happier, by the second. But then, I stopped myself. I held back and decided not step on stage.

"No, not yet...", I whispered.

The ledge was already filled with dancers of all shapes and sizes. It was after all alien night in Bed. Green laser lights hit the strange creatures on stage. Smoke filled the room. 

"This is it Tristan... party..."

I tried to dance along. I took in the scene. I looked around for someone I could flirt with. I found one. I stepped onstage and danced by the magical hipon. He had his shirt off. His muscles were to die for. 

"I know someone who looks better than him...", I mumbled.

I found him shorter than I was. His ripped body was not able to compensate for his lack of stature. I could not take it, at least for my purposes. He was a giant hipon for crying out loud. 

"Pangamot..."

I stepped off the stage and got myself a light beer. I scanned once more. No one seemed interesting. I was definitely uninterested. I lit another cigarette. Someone passed in front of me. He smiled.

"Alien."

And then another one.

"Alien."

And another.

"Alien."

"Damn Tristan, what is going on? Choosy ka pa?", I asked myself once more.

I went back on stage. 

"Tonight, I'm going to have fun, no matter what...", I recited my mantra.

And I did. I tried. I was perspiring on stage as I gyrated to the hypnotic beats of Bed. Confetti filled the Bed skyline. Laser lights hit our faces. Smoke filled the room. I was already intoxicated.

"Ahh Tristan, this is the life...", I thought as I danced by the ledge.

And then I stopped. The sound from the speakers were not enough to drown the loneliness that had been plaguing me. 

"Stop it Tristan... dance!", I ordered.

So I did. For one more time, I partied like there was no tomorrow albeit half-heartedly. I kept on seeing someone on the faces of hunky guys who were as tall as him. My head cannot control my heart.

"Damn you. Please stay out of my head...", I begged.

I gyrated for the last time. Flirted a little. Smiled a lot.

"You're almost there Tristan."

And then the night was over but the music lingered and smoke still filled the room. The place became less crowded - some left happier while some stayed single, for another night. 

Last night, I was almost happy. Last night, I almost reached that place. 

P.S. I went back to the club scene last night with a few blogger friends. It was the first time, in three months, since I stepped within the hallowed halls of Bed. To everyone I was with, thank you for helping me get to that happy place. Oh and for sharing!

Defining Tristan

I have a confession to make - I am most definitely human. 

In the last few days, I tried to separate my alter ego's life from what the real me was going through. I am done with this. As things stand now, I am accepting defeat. I have indeed fallen and am still broken. This blogger is still under repair.

I wrote under a different pseudonym and created a new blog where I can write what I really felt about the whole situation. The birth of my new home was also the day my alter ego developed his own alter ego. I find it funny that I resorted to this since Tristan was born to be my alter ego and Tristan Tales was created to be his playground. 

As Tristan, I tried to hide the fact that I have been very hurt by what happened with Bad Boy. I posted blogs that highlighted my whore-like behavior, if only to make myself (and others along the way) believe that I am not in pain. I tried to convince myself that I am doing just fine without him. In reality, I am not. I am still as broken as the day I lost the only guy, in years, who has been able to break down my defenses. It has been a daily struggle to pretend to be strong, unaffected and less pathetic. I found myself hiding behind my alter ego for self-preservation but I am now tired of hiding. 

In as much as I was not ashamed to proclaim that I have fallen, I realized that I should also not be embarrassed to show pain - often the natural consequence of man's decision to fall in love. I am a grown boy now and this is not first time my heart is broken. By now, I think I should know better than to hide behind false pretenses. I am already too old to play this game.

Tonight, as I slip into bed, I will whisper the same prayer I have prayed since Bad Boy left. And maybe, just maybe, tomorrow my prayers will be finally answered.

Blogger's Note: Today is the 10th day since we last spoke. 

Effortless

It's amazing how easy it is to get laid these days. No commitments, no names even, just plain carnal pleasure. Effortless.

An online profile with the right picture, the perfect tagline that reads:

"No strings attached. No to money-boys, bottom goddesses, demigods and freaks. Drop me a line, let's hook up."

And I am guaranteed a good number of interested applicants at any given day.

Simple and discreet glances, even while walking, present opportunities for alternative activities, as well.

"1... 2... 3..."

Head turn. Smile.

"Hi..."

And my little black book gets another mark (or two... or three...).

More recently, at the gym, people somehow take notice. Probably there's a secret announcement posted somewhere that Tristan is single and ready to mingle (and jingle). It's either that or the announcement reads that I am super easy (excuse me...). I have been getting lame lines such as:

"Tapos ka na mag-work out? Hi I'm..."

or

"Kanina ka pa? Spot kita..."

or

"Tristan... ang sarap mo."

Amazing, isn't it? Sometimes I wonder, how did I ever get so hot?

Most of the time, I don't even have to do anything. I just sit quietly by my own little office window corner, business as usual, and my phone would beep:

"Hi Tristan, free tonight?"

To which I would reply:

"Bakit, magaling ka ba?"

Or

"Hi Tristan, may place ka?"

And I would reply:

"Yes, what time are you coming?"

At one time:

"May kasama ako, okay lang?"

And I would reply:

"Make sure he's good."

These days, I don't really try to question why things happen anymore. Change is totally overrated so why bother?

"And yes, this is me, being slightly bad."

Why Not?

When it rains, it pours.

I sent out a few applications last December to test out my marketability. I was not disappointed. First to arrive was an invitation from my mother unit. It read:

Dear Tristan,

We are happy to inform you that you were selected as one of the candidates for the short list for the above referenced position. During the following week, we will be conducting interviews of the candidates in the short list. Please advise if you will be available for a panel interview by video conference on [insert date] at [insert time], (Manila time). Appreciate it if you could please confirm your availability at your earliest convenience. Many thanks and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

A week later, I received another one from the office police unit. I read this email while I was on the phone with someone.

Dear Mr. Tristan Tan,

Thank you for your application and expression of interest in the position of Senior Slave. I am very pleased to inform you that you have been short-listed for that position. I will be contacting you shortly to schedule your interview with the Interview Panel.

Congratulations and best regards.

Today, I received another invitation from a dfiferent unit, somewhere. The job would require me to deal with twink welfare, in general.

Dear Mr. Tristan Tan,

I am pleased to inform you that the short-listing committee has recommended you for interview for the position of Senior Slave in the Twinks unit. The large time difference makes things a bit awkward, but will you be available for a telephone interview on [insert date and time], Manila time? Please let me know as soon as possible.

With my very best wishes.

I informed my seatmate of the latest development. She was extremely delighted to hear the good news. I was barely smiling.

"O bakit parang hindi ka masaya?", she asked.

"I am happy... it's just that...", I tried to explain.

"Tristan, you can't have it all..."

I smiled at her, took a deep breath and went off to lunch thinking:

"Why can't I have it all?"

Tristan: Superhuman

"Don't worry.. gwapo ako in person...", you assured me.

I was doubtful, as always, but then again, I needed to move forward.

"Sige, I'll meet you outside the village.", I said.

I walked slowly out of my room. Took the lift. Lit a cigarette and wandered around the village before I went to the meeting place. I was wearing my house clothes. I took out my phone and called you.

"O san ka na?"

"Shangri-la na..."

"Bilisan mo. I'm bored.", I was impatient.

"Oo sandali lang...",you replied.

You texted me again after a few minutes.

"Tris, nakapambahay lang ako ah - sando, shorts and cap."

"Black shirt and cargo shorts", I replied.

I saw you after a few minutes. You were right. You were more handsome in person. You were shorter than I was, lean and your sculptured arms showed the efforts that you have put in your work out. Later on, I would find out that you also had a nice six-pack underneath your shirt. You smiled as you extended your hand.

"Gian, pare..."

"Hi, Tristan...", I extended my hand to meet yours.

"Yeah, gwapo ka nga in person.", I commented.

You laughed.

"So pano?", you asked.

"I live nearby... let's go."

I never thought I'd ever find myself in a situation like this again. It was all too familiar yet why do I feel uncomfortable with the whole thing? What used to be easy now took a whole lot of effort. But, there I was, once again, back at the game.

"Ano nga ulit name mo?", I asked while puffing a cigarette as you took a shower.

"Gian!", you replied.

I laughed.

"Welcome back, asshole.", I said to myself.

This is me now, Tristan: Superhuman.

P.S. Post title is courtesy of the Geek. Thanks friend.

Flowers for the Boy 2009

When God closes one door, He opens a window

(with matching flowers pa!).

And no, I did not send this to myself.

I am not that pathetic.

Counting to 100

counting to 100 - Matt Wertz

Never been much good on my own

So I'm tryin' to find somebody else

Never been good at findin' much except

Loneliness all by myself

Spottin' you ain't been easy

I could use one hand maybe two

Coz I got this spot right beside me baby

Waiting here just for you

So you go hide

And I'll come seek

And maybe someday in the middle

We just might meet

Because I'm counting to a hundred

And I promise I won't peek

As you go hide

And I come seek

How much longer will this game go on 

I guess only time will tell

Cause I hate to hear that you're all alone

Overlooked in search of someone else

So you go hide

And I'll come seek

Maybe someday in the middle

We just might meet

Cause I'm counting to a hundred

And I promise I won't peek

As you go 

Please show your face 

Because I want you to be it...yeah

I want you to be it

The Sunset

I set myself up for extreme disaster.

And disaster did come in time.

I expected this since.

Tomorrow,

the sun will not shine, 

at least not for me, at least not tomorrow.

Blog Holiday

I will be shutting down Tristan Tales for a few days. This blogger would need to keep his thoughts to himself until he is able to confirm what really happened. I think that it is only right to hear the other side of the story, firsthand, before I continue with all of this. I do not want to eat my own words in the future.

I promise to be back soon. Hopefully, by then, I would know how to move forward.

This is Tristan Tan, temporarily on blog holiday.

After the Day

I will not lie, I had a bad day. 

I just wish there was a perfectly logical explanation for everything that happened.

You Had A Bad Day - Daniel Powter

Uneventful

So what does one do when he finds himself alone on his birthday? Try to celebrate; the operational word is "try".

12:01 AM - Tristan posted a birthday blog and changed his banner. He was so tempted to place, "single, period." under the main banner. He tried to recall the last three weeks and finally decided to settle with the Tristan@29 header.

12:02 AM - A friend called. Thanks friend, buti ka pa... 

2:00 AM - Tristan woke up. He found a few messages from a few people. Went back to bed.

5:30 AM - Tristan woke up. He saw familiar names on his mobile. Went back to bed.

8:30 AM - Tristan woke up, brushed his teeth, lit a cigarette and cleaned some plates. He carefully prepared a sandwich that he would soon forget to eat. No appetite.

10:00 AM - After a quick shower, Tristan finally decided to wear black and go visit his dentist.

10:30 AM - Tristan had an exhilarating root canal follow up with his ever-Chinese dentist who continually asks him, "paano kaya ang gagawin natin dito?", referring to Tristan's tooth. 

12:00 NN - With his newly restored tooth, he went to the mall. While walking, he tried to show off his newly cleaned teeth hoping that people would think that he is really smiling. He still felt bad more about the situation than over Francis M.'s departure. 

12:15 PM - Walking around the mall trying to find a perfect shirt to replace the black shirt that was stained by toothpaste while having his teeth cleaned. Bothered still but he looked great.

12:58 PM - He finally found the perfect shirt: a red, yellow, white, green shirt which he bought at a store where he and Donut went before. He looked happy (eventhough he looked like Jollibee) walking around the mall but deep inside, he was still struggling.

1:00 PM - Finally, he settled for a bowl of chicken teriyaki from Yoshinoya for brunch, alone. He saw two cute trainers from his gym on a lunch date. 

1:30 PM - Tristan ordered a large  non-fat latte from Gloria Jeans while waiting for K. Blank stares.

1:35 PM - K finally arrived. He gave Tristan flowers... made out of balloons. Cute. Thanks K! It was K's birthday too, by the way.

2:00 PM - K and Tristan decided to have a spa day after finishing off their coffee.

3:00 PM - They found themselves at the spa. They soon surmised that it was probably "senior citizen's day" - old butts abound! It made them cringe.

3:15 PM - They found the wet floor. Tristan found something to be grateful for, he was not yet that old. He looked fresh beside the oldies in the spa. The exhibitionist in him came back to life. He felt a little better.

4:30 PM - Tristan had a so-so massage, the highlight of which was the masseur lifting Tristan while stretching him. All Tristan was able to say to the unfortunate masseur afterwards was, "buhay ka pa ba?". For the first time, he actually laughed. 

5:30 PM - He had a sumptuous buffet with K. Bloated, they both decided to hit the wet floor once more. He then recounted the last three weeks to K who listened intently and patiently. They found themselves puzzled.

7:00 PM - They finally left the spa, tired and still perspiring! Ugh.

7:10 PM - Tristan and K had coffee at a nearby coffee shop where they met "Omar", the barista who used to work in Araneta. K had a crush on him. Tristan felt bad again, he kept on waiting. Pathetic.

8:00 PM - K and Tristan went home. They conversed with the cab driver on the way home. Tristan kept on looking out the window trying to figure out what happened in the last forty hours.

8:45 PM - Tristan opened the door to his unit. He carefully placed his balloons on a vase, changed clothes and lit a cigarette. He felt alone again. 

9:00 PM - He finally had the time to answer messages sent throughout the day. He saw his uneaten sandwich in the toaster. He sighed.

9:15 PM - He checked his phones again. He then decided to post this blog. 

11:00 PM - Tristan finished cleaning his aquarium to prepare for a new fish tomorrow.

11:59 PM - The day has ended. Time to move forward.

Birthday Post

Suddenly, I don't feel like celebrating the 29th...

Hopefully, this will change later in the day.

Thanks to everyone who greeted.

Cheers, just the same.

Tristan