The Message

I guess there's really such a thing as divine intervention. 

I have been unable to sleep so I decided to prepare a podcast that I had planned to publish online. With only a few more clicks, I would have been done and the whole world would have heard my current state of mind. But a message came through:

"Did you know?"

"Na...", I asked.

And then he started explaining to me what he had found. I panicked. I felt cold all over. For a moment there, I thought he also knew what I had known for some time now. 

"OMG... everything?", I thought.

Then I checked. 

"Shit. It's really there."

I finally found the missing piece - the one that was not shared. I felt pathetic. Thanks to my friend, I finally learned your secret. I now know with certainty how you feel and where you stand. I was right after all.

Tonight, the heavens sent the final message - I should stop this foolishness. Tonight, I finally saw the end of the rainbow; the pot of gold contained a white flag. Tonight, I humbly accept defeat. Tomorrow is, of course, another day.

Thank you my friend - you are indeed heaven-sent. 

http://www.tristantales.com/

Your blog is in transition

Your blog's new address is http://www.tristantales.com/. Since it takes time for this new address to be available all over the Internet, you can still get to it at http://tristan-tales.blogspot.com.

Your new address should work for everyone after at most 3 days. At that time we will redirect your readers from your old address to the new one.

The blogger is in transition

The blogger is undergoing renovation. Since it takes time for the new blogger to be available again all over the Internet, he still gets by doing the same thing, only less. 

The new blogger should be up and running after at most 3 days. At that time he will make sure that his readers, most of whom are already sick and tired of the old blogger, enjoy the new Tristan Tales. 

Postscripts

Here's the story. I got my heart broken again and it hurts like hell. But things will be different this time as I will spare everyone from the messy details.

It can be frustrating that, after a failed attempt at love, we often find ourselves thinking how we could have done things differently. Had someone said something first, would things have turned out the way they did? Had someone kept mum, would love have triumphed over insecurity? Had we believed in what we had, would we be more happy? I realized tonight that the best way to move forward is to just accept the fact that things do happen for a reason.

I think that I may have finally learned my lessons. After all, I have fallen in this trap several times over so I should already know how this works. So tonight, I resolve to look past the pain, hatred, disappointment and frustration of my heartbreak. I am certain that the slightest memory of him can and will still hurt from time to time but I know that this too shall pass, in God's own time. Sadness may still linger but again I know that this is but an integral part of the healing process. Forgiveness is necessary and happiness, much like falling in love, is a choice.

To you, I loved you then and I love you still but I have accepted our fate. I promise to work at being happy for you. I am letting you go for the last time.

And to you, he has become a better person because of you and for that, I am grateful but I so hate you these days. Nevertheless, you are still one lucky bastard to know his secret; keep it safe.

And for me, an oh-so-gay song, my guilty pleasure.

Believe - Cher

The Conyo Test

I never liked taking Facebook quizzes but this one got me. Funny as it may seem, here's the result. I'm not kaya! LOL.

Tristan completed the quiz "Jologs ka ba o Conyo?" with the result Super Conyo.

Like, sobrang congrats talaga -- you belong to the elite group of conyo people. You just cannot tiis lang talaga when you don't get your way. You also wonder often why people can sometimes be like soooo baduy or something. I know right?! Because of your strong or polarizing opinion, madalas other people are imbiyerna na. Naku, let them be na lang, it's because you are beautiful lang kasi -- and they're not. Like duh! Ibang level ka lang talaga..

There are Tears

There are tears, 

For we know what we had and we know what we've lost;

For we were afraid of something we don't even know;

For we were too scared to take that step;

For we chose to do things differently.

There are tears,

Even after we've already chosen to look beyond the horizon;

Even after the sun has risen again;

Even after a hand has been extended;

Even after you chose to love again.

There are tears,

For the loss of a forever friend;

For the demise of a good man;

For the inevitable;

For the broken heart.

There are tears,

In spite of all the efforts;

In spite of starting over;

In spite of the promise to change;

In spite of you, in spite of me.

There are tears,

Because we opted to be cowards;

Because we chose to play the game;

Because we never learned our lessons;

Because we refused to try, one last time.

50 Questions

[1] What's one thing that would instantly make you dislike a person?

I hate it when people lie to my face and never regret it. On second thought, I hate it when people lie, period.

[2] What do you do when you need to relax?

I discovered that I love lounging by the beach during happy hour and sipping either a frozen margarita or a piñacolada while watching the sun set. 

[3] Why do you think there is war in the world?

Thank you for that very mind-boggling question. Economics my dear, economics…

[4] Do you think it's ok to sometimes tell white lies?

No. Lies are lies. Tell it to me straight.

[5] Do you like things in life to stay how they are or change?

Why should things stay the way they are? Change is the only thing constant.

[6] If someone likes you, what would be the best way to let you know?

Like me for what, for simply being me? Oh come on, that’s so nineties. Nobody likes me. Just tell it to me straight: "I like you Tristan". Simple no?

[7] What are you listening to right now?

Jai Ho.

[8] If you won a lot of money on the lottery, what would you buy first?

An external hard drive for my pictures. Cheap ko no?

[9] Would it change your life?

An external hard drive? You kidding me?

[10] What was the last thing you purchased?

A pack of Frost before lunch – super stressed from everything that’s happening lately.

[11] What do you do when you're stressed out?

I buy a pack of Frost before lunch.

[12] Would you honestly say you'd risk your life for someone else?

Let me be honest here, it depends.

[13] Do you believe in Aliens?

They are often in Malate, Saturdays.

[14] Could you forgive a boyfriend or girlfriend who physically hurts you?

Never. I would always tell them, “subukan mong saktan ako, papakulong kita...”

[15] What's your greatest fear in life?

This is a tough one. Spiders. Ay bobo. LOL. But seriously, never being able to live life for whatever it has to offer.

[16] Have you got a best friend?

Maybe.

[17] Are you afraid of death?

Ay naku, this is my moment. I don’t like to think about it so I guess I am more for others than for me.

[18] Do you think parents should stay together for the kids?

Yes. Conservative ako.

[19] Can money buy happiness?

Not necessarily but I’d rather be miserable in my BMW than be ultra pathetic in a cab.

[20] Are you looking forward to anything?

The day before I leave, I look forward to the fulfillment of a promise. In spite of and despite of, a promise is a promise. Actually, the earlier the better.

[21] Write some lyrics from the song you are listening to:

Jai Ho! You are my destiny...

[22] Do you open up to people easily?

Yes. No problems with opening up. My problem is shutting them out completely.

[23] Has anyone paid you a compliment today?

Yes. Tristan, ang ganda mo!

[24] What do your friends call you?

Skip.

[25] Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Someone I consider extremely important.

[26] What usually causes your relationships to end?

They’re just not that into me.

[27] Are you close to your parents?

No but by virtue of birth, I am forced to.

[28] What's the best thing about you?

Unforgettable.

[29] Do you think you would be a good parent?

Yes. I used to be a Metro Working Mom.

[30] Are you a forgiving person?

I rarely get mad but when I do, I get mad for like a few minutes. Beyond that, nag-iinarte na lang ako. So I guess I am.

[31] What can you hear right now?

The sound of my heart… beating. Naks.

[32] Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?

An officemate – we spoke of what transpired over the weekend. I almost cried or maybe I did? LOL.

[33] Where is the last place you went out to eat?

I think it was still Eastwood Teriyaki Boy with some blogger-friends.

[34]Whats your favorite drink?

Alcoholic - Cuervo Gold. 

[35] Do you miss anyone?

Yes, very much.

[36] What were you doing at 1 AM this morning?

Probably snoring in bed - too bad I don’t have an anti-snore device with me last night.

[37] Who do you hate?

Hate is a such a strong word. I’d rather use abhor or despise or may loathe – much more appropriate for the case. In any case, it’s someone online and you, you know who you are - the only consolation is I rarely hate someone over a day so we’ll be okay, eventually.

[38] Who was the last person you had in your room?

Let me think. OMG, I have not had sex in like forever and forever in the gay world is like uhmm… one week. I miss that kiss. *hint*hint*

[39] Is your room clean?

Unfortunately, it’s not these days.

[40] What are you going to do tomorrow?

Blog at work. Work at home. Pretend to be happy.

[41] What is in store for your future?

My very own fairy tale - happiness beyond my wildest dreams. A happily ever after.

[42] When was the last time you danced while under the influence?

In Bed last weekend while holding a pitcher of Nightmare. After 15 minutes, I blacked out. LOL.

[43] Do you take care of your friends while they're sick?

I want to but I don’t really know how. Moral support?

[44] When was the last time you purchased something over $500?

My entire trip to Bora was worth more than that. Ugh.

[45] Any tattoos?

None yet. If I were to get one, it would be a cute bear on my butt or a dolphin.

[46] Favorite color?

Orange.

[47] Who is your favorite person to have a serious conversation with?

Someone who's not around anymore.

[48] Who was driving the last time you were in a car?

The friendly neighborhood manong driver on my way to work this morning.

[49] What kind of digital camera brand do you have?

Canon G9, I think.

[50]Why are you doing this?

Good question. Had I seen this question earlier, I would have reconsidered doing this. Anyway, it is done and it is now another blogpost.

Tristan Tales: Reloaded

My friend died the other night. He was last seen dancing while drinking a pitcher of Nightmare in Bed before his untimely death. He was 29. His last message to the world was found on Twitter and it read: "I guess it's time."

So ladies, gentlemen and everyone in between, welcome to Tristan Tales: Reloaded.

Moving Forward

As I slip into bed tonight, I will wonder how you are and who you're with. I will think about the happy times ahead and the possibilities that lie before us. I may be getting ahead of myself but I have decided to love you more starting today. 

There's no need to complicate the already complicated. As I have told you before and as you have preached to others in the past, there's nothing wrong with being happy. Keep it simple and you'll find happiness. Lower expectations and you'll be less hurt. Choose your friends carefully. Compromise, compromise and compromise. That's the way to go.

In the next few days you will notice a transformation in you. You will once again feel complete and be less hurt. With each sunrise, you will be happier and I assure you I will do everything I can to make this happen. You are special and you deserve to be treated well. Forget about those who treated you badly and those who have taken you for granted. Forgive those who indulged and still continue to indulge in your weakness. Learn to move forward and you'll be happy.

You decided to fall and you will once again decide for yourself. I will be here with you through the process. It has been going on for some time now and you need to be free from the bondage that your heart has created. Learn to love again and love someone worthy of your affection. It may not come soon but you can be assured that I will be waiting.

I will whisper a silent prayer for you for the coming days. I hope this gives you the strength to move forward with your life the way others have started with theirs. There's no need to wait for anyone else - they have already made their choice. Accept the fact that they may just not be that into you. Throw away the baggages that you carry and live a better life. In time, the one you deserve will come your way and the people who have left you behind will forever regret their decisions. Try and be happy for them for it is you who will suffer if you let them abuse you further. 

There is nothing wrong with saving yourself. You know how it works and you of all people would better understand how to move forward from all of this. Go and write what you feel and do not be ashamed of what other people will say. Heck, go back to pokpok blogging - you know you enjoy it. Never let anyone else tell you what you can and cannot write. Never look back on your decisions - you made the right ones. Everything that happened has a reason and you have to accept your fate.

It is time for self-preservation once again Tristan. It is time to move forward from your past. Remember, you have suffered long enough. It is time to be happy even if you remain single.

Goodluck with starting over, 

Drew

Everybody Knows

But I wish you the best, I guess. 

For You

I still believe in happy endings and fairy tales. For the littlest of chance that I can be completely happy, I am willing to take the risk of getting hurt over and over again. And maybe, just maybe, my own fairy tale will come true. Wish ko lang.

So for you, whoever you are and wherever you may be, this is for you.

For You - Kenny Lattimore

Puge

As I was browsing for pictures, I stumbled upon an old folder containing our pictures. It made me remember the full year that we were together. 

"X ng X ng X ko...", was how I would always describe you when friends ask me who I am with. You would always smile and say that you've had the hots for me since then - this would always make me blush. You called me "Wafu" while I called you "Puge" and we were both the "good guys" in our last relationships. 

I confirmed that for myself. You were indeed too good to be true and I felt that I did not deserve you (geez, me and my insecurities!). Anyway, you were nineteen, cute, had a great body, a fantastic lay, a loving partner, a superb kisser. 

You never failed to remember dates and had a gift every 10th of the month for a full year. Friday nights, I would arrive at my unit with you waiting by my door. You would then fix your things, wash up and cook dinner while I rested. You would offer a massage before bed and hug me tight while I slept. I would wake up to breakfast and a great smile.  I never had to carry grocery bags when we were together - you would insist to carry them for me. You would clean my house when I would be too lazy to move. I was so pampered with you around - I never felt more loved. More importantly, you found me hot - crazy hot! I guess you were crazy but you explained that you really loved doing those things for me. You must have loved me.

But I was unhappy with you - the connection was not there and that was something I cannot force. I was just too polite to break your heart but you were just to weak for me. I was then looking for an asshole, a total bad boy who would break my heart and keep me coming back for more. I wanted to get hurt for that was how love was introduced to me. I believed then that people had to get hurt to experience love. I guess now looking back, I was wrong.

For a full year, you endured my company. You waited patiently each week to love me. I would ignore messages. I would never call. I hated sweet nothings. I was not myself; I was an asshole. Great sex with you became less great until I finally felt that I was obliged to bed you. I never liked the feeling. I was getting less and less interested with you by the day. I wanted to get out of the relationship. But I was too scared to let you go. I was scared to break your heart. 

I promised I would never make you cry but I did several times. I made you weep in the bathroom every night even though you refused to admit it. But I know this for a fact - you cried because I treated you badly. I was uncaring and you felt unloved. I was evil personified for I wanted you to quit me. But you never did. I had to ask to be set free.

We both cried that night. I told you what I really felt. I told you I was unhappy. You cried and asked me what you could do to make it work. You begged that I reconsider. I cried for I did not want to hear these things from you. I cried for I know that you can never do anything to change my mind. I cried for I know I broke you and you will never be the same again. I cried for my selfishness. 

I know that no one deserves to beg for love and no one deserves to be treated the way I treated you. I also believe that people should be happy in a relationship to stay. Otherwise, it would be best to get out of it. But I also believe in trying until it hurts. And heaven knows I tried my best to love you back but it just did not work. You could be the perfect partner for someone else but not for someone as broken as me back then. 

The following morning, you packed your things and hugged me tight. I cried and refused to look you in the eyes. You held my face and kissed me. One final kiss and you closed the door. From my window, I saw you look one last time probably hoping that I would be there to bid you goodbye. I hid behind the curtains that you gave and weeped. If only things were different, I could have kept you forever. But I was broken and I was not ready after all.

We never spoke after that day. Later on, I learned that you had graduated from school. I also was made aware that you flirted around with several guys. Your sister told me you were so broken - it also broke your family's heart. Needless to say, they hated me for doing that you. No more news.

Letting you go Puge was painful. I am sorry for being who I was back then. I am really sorry Puge. I am sorry for breaking your heart. I know my apologies would never make you whole again; it would never erase the pain. Again, I am sorry Puge and thank you for loving me the way you did even if I did not deserve it.

It is now more than two years since that fateful day and the lessons I learned from him will guide me as I explore the world again. I still look forward to the day when my fortune would change - that one day when I would love and be loved once more. Someone asked me if I still believe in fairy tales. Without hesitation, I said yes. I will love again and maybe, just maybe, the next one will be forever.

Spontaneous Idealist

I have taken a lot of personality tests but this one from Theo's Blog got me thinking: am I that easy to read? 

Spontaneous Idealists are creative, lively and open-minded persons. They are humorous and dispose of a contagious zest for life. Their enthusiasm and sparkling energy inspires others and sweeps them along. They enjoy being together with other people and often have an uncanny intuition for their motivations and potential. Spontaneous Idealists are masters of communication and very amusing and gifted entertainers. Fun and variety are guaranteed when they are around. However, they are sometimes somewhat too impulsive in dealing with others and can hurt people without really meaning to do so, due to their direct and sometimes critical nature.

This personality type is a keen and alert observer; they miss nothing which is going on around them. In extreme cases, they tend to be oversensitive and exaggeratedly alert and are inwardly always ready to jump. Life for them is an exciting drama full of emotionality. However, they quickly become bored when things repeat themselves and too much detailed work and care is required. Their creativity, their imaginativeness and their originality become most noticeable when developing new projects and ideas - they then leave the meticulous implementation of the whole to others. On the whole, Spontaneous Idealists attach great value to their inner and outward independence and do not like accepting a subordinate role. They therefore have problems with hierarchies and authorities. 

If you have a Spontaneous Idealist as your friend, you will never be bored; with them, you can enjoy life to the full and celebrate the best parties. At the same time, they are warm, sensitive, attentive and always willing to help. If Spontaneous Idealists have just fallen in love, the sky is full of violins and their new partners are showered with attention and affection. This type then bubbles over with charm, tenderness and imagination. But, unfortunately, it soon becomes boring for them once the novelty has worn off. Boring everyday life in a partnership is not for them so that many Spontaneous Idealists slip from one affair into another. However, should the partner manage to keep their curiosity alive and not let routine and familiarity gain the upper hand, Spontaneous Idealists can be inspiring and loving partners.

Sleep Well, Stranger

Your story bothered me so much that your life became a puzzle. You must have lived a great life. I hear you were a good guy and it seems like you were someone who would be worth knowing. It is sad that I never got to know you dear stranger, we could have been friends too, you know.

I barely know you. All I know is that you have changed someone for the better. I may be a total stranger to you but you have changed me as well. You gave me a reason to believe in the goodness of people. You made me realize that my problems are superficial. Your life made me appreciate mine, in spite of its quirks. 

Tonight, as I slip into bed, I will whisper a silent prayer for you which I hope would bring you peace. I will pray for your happiness, wherever you are. Dear stranger, your journey may have ended but your memory would remain. And for that, and for whatever it is worth, thank you.

Goodnight, stranger. Sleep well.

What's in a Name?

 A lot. 

My phone book is my "black book" and just like all black books, it contains a snapshot of the people I have met. Recently (and as suggested by McVie), I checked my phone again and found interesting trends. Please note that this list was analyzed using data accumulated over three years (in Ortigas). I lived in QC for two years. Enough said.

To start with the analysis, let me explain the typical FB coding in my phone. The syntax is: FB_name_location_size_rating.

where:

• FB is not Facebook
  
• Name is not necessarily real
  
• Location is generic
  
• Size is important
  
• Rating is G for good and B for Bad

The results are presented below per category:

By name:

• Mark is the most commonly used pseudonym. I have 8: Pasig, Shaw, Manda, Pasig 7, Kapitolyo, Mark with a C. Mark with a Q. and Tektite.
• Cris is a close second with 6: Cris with an H. Cris without the H, Rizal, Pasig, Bora, Market Market.
• Vince, TJ, Robert, Carlo, Paulo, Ron are all tied with 2.
• Blake, Drake, Jake all rhyme.
• Pipo is my favorite FB name - tunog manyak.
• There are several nameless people who go by their location, size and rating.

Geographically:

• Pasig is so gay followed by Mandaluyong.
• Ortigas is pretentious bottom heaven. The rest of Pasig is top.
• Bora is simply divine.
• Makati is just plain horny.
• Kalentong is a place?
• Tektite is the most gay building in Ortigas followed by Wynsum and Raffles.

By size:

• The average is 5.5. The biggest at 8. Smallest, nevermind.

By race: 

• 80% Filipino. 15% Mixed-race. 5% Foreigners.

By role:

• 85% top. 10% versa, 5% bottoms.

By rating:

• 70% Good. 30% Bad.

By employment:

• 90% working. 10% in school.

By profession:

• BPO-related jobs at 20%.
• Sales at 15%
  
• Medical-related at 10%
• Legal-related at 10%
• Hotel at 10%
• Unclassified at 35%

So how does your phone book look like? 

Blogger's Note: This analysis does not include those who graduated from being an FB to a friend. Their real names are then used upon graduation. Bloggers and readers fall under a different criteria. Those who broke my heart start with X.

The Challenge

"Simula bukas balik pokpok blog na ko. Ipapakita ko kung ano ang totoong pokpok blog...", you explained.

"Sa bawat pokpok post mo, tatapatan ko.", I posted the challenge, pissed.

"Game!", you replied.

I panicked. 

"Kaya ko na ba?", I asked myself.

"Have you had sex with a reader? Yan ang title ng unang post ko.", you replied.

I felt cold all over.

"Have you?", I asked.

You laughed.

"I guess you have."

You laughed again. I was silent. My tummy felt like it's being twisted. My heart numbing up, again. I know what was happening and I could not allow it to happen again.

"Nevermind...", I finally replied.

"Dahil ako pa din ang talo sa larong ito.", I whispered.

This game is becoming old and I am old enough to appreciate that love is not a game - at least not for now, at least not with you, at least not again.

To All the Boys I Loved Before

Hi, my name is Tristan.

I am a twenty-something banking professional in the Metro. I usually fall for the wrong ones, the bad boys and extremely complicated. I am idiot when it comes to relationships.

This is Tristan Tales and these are the stories of some of the boys I loved before.

********************

It was nine - nine - ninety nine when I first heard the words that would ever change my life. I attended a Freestyle concert in the my university for ninety-nine pesos. Oh yes, it was 9-9-99 when I first fell in love.

"I love you...", it was my Boy Band Boy.

"Sira ba ulo mo?", I replied.

"Seryoso, mahal kita..."

I blushed and my tummy felt weird. I felt my weak on the knees. I wanted to cry but I was extremely happy. I wondered why it felt good. Was I in love?

"Lalake sya... mahal nya ko... parang mahal ko din sya... shit, I'm gay?"

I got hold of myself. I looked in your eyes and smiled. I was finally free.

"Love you too, Boy Band Boy...", I finally replied.

And this marked the birth of Tristan.

********************

"Will you be my boyfriend?", it was Boy Blonde.

I was shocked. I never expected it coming. It was the first time we met and with another chatter, in fact, and he was asking me to be his boyfriend. I combed my long curly hair.

"Sure.", I casually replied.

During this time, I have already experienced how it was to fall in and out of love. I learned that the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone better - bigger and better and so I did.

"So where are we going?", I asked.

"Let's just hang out... "

He grinned and I knew what he meant.

"I really like you..."

I looked at him in the eyes and smiled.

"I like you too... Blonde Boy."

And just like that, Tristan learned to crawl.

********************

My ultimate kilig-romance was with Kalabaw - he is my soul mate. How many soul mates are we allowed to have again?

"Daan ka sa shop... may bibigay ako sayo...", texted Kalabaw.

"Sure.. dinner ka na?", I asked.

"Not yet.. later na when we go out..."

"Super late na yun... will bring you dinner..."

"Thanks..."

I started walking to his place.

"Masaya ako kay Kalabaw...", I convinced myself.

I smiled.

"Kahit na may shortcomings sya... masaya pa din ako..", I tried again.

I reached his place.

"These are for you...", he said as he handed me a bunch of flowers.

"Shit, ano to?"

"Bulaklak, para sa yo..."

"Bakit?", I asked.

"Kasi... yun na yun...", Kalabaw said.

I looked at him in the eyes and smiled.

"Yun na din yun, Kalabaw..."

And just like that, Tristan learned to walk.

********************

to be continued...

The Young and the Beautiful

"May magagalit ba if I ask you out todinner?", I asked.

"Meron...", you replied.

I was not prepared for that response.

"Ooops...", I whispered.

With that reply, I brushed you off from my potential list and placed your name in the friend zone. You could have stayed in the zone happily ever after until that fateful day.

"Hey...", I texted.

"What's up? Gusto ko ng beer.", you replied.

"Are you inviting me out for a drink?", I asked.

"Maybe...", you answered back.

"Ok, I'll see you in a while...", I replied.

"And leave all your expectations behind...", I continued.

"Don't worry...", you responded.

A couple of hours and a few bottles of beer later, I felt that I was ready to tell you what I have been thinking of since we met. I looked at you straight in the eyes. You were smiling but I can tell you were uncomfortable - you knew what was to come.

"Bata pa nga to...", I whispered.

I took a deep breath and finally said:

"Welcome to Tristan Tales, bunso."

Blogger's Note: So what's your name again? (insert evil laughter here). Oh and don't worry, you did well.

Three Emails

The first one was sent with hope for a brighter future:

Dear Chief of Police:

I have decided to accept your offer and I look forward to joining your team soon. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

The second one was sent with much regret:

Dear Lady Gaga:

Thank you for your offer. As I indicated in our earlier conversation, this decision was not going to be easy. With much regret, I am respectfully declining your offer. I do hope to still be able to work with you in the future.

The last email was sent with a tinge of sadness:

Friends -

My rational mind won and I finally decided to take the more challenging post. I have informed the management and I expect to undertake the transfer no later than June 15, 2009. Thank you for you support.

Tough decisions had to be made tonight. I just wish I did the right thing.

The Phone Call

I have been dreading this phone call since I received the email early this morning. At exactly ten in the morning, I was on the phone with another prospective employer.

"Hi Tristan, how are you?", says the voice on the other line.

"I'm doing great, thank you. How are you?", I replied.

"Excellent. I'd like to let you know that I have made a decision...", the voice continued.

"I am offering the job to you, if you're interested."

I paused for a while to better understand what the voice just confirmed.

"Oh thank you.", I replied.

"So what do you think?", the voice said after the package has been presented.

"Both offers are the same. Now the decision has become more difficult.", I replied.

"Can I let you know by the end of the day?", I requested.

"Sure thing but I do hope that you'd choose wisely."

And just like that, I was reminded of something that recently happened. I was then the voice on the other line waiting for his decision. I found myself asking the same questions that he probably asked himself on that fateful day. Now, looking back, I understand him better.

"Which one should I choose - the comfort zone or the scary unknown?"

"Why am I being asked to choose - why does it have to be just one?"

In the end, we all know what happened.


to be continued...

The Email

I have been waiting for the email and it came at 5:24 AM.

"Dear Tristan, I expect that you are curled up in bed right now. Can we talk tonight around 10 AM, your time?"

If I am to receive good news this morning, then things are going to be a little more complicated. If it is bad, then I am going to see poverty again, this time in English.




to be continued...

For a Change

Today, it feels like I am back on the beach, lying by the shore, my feet burried in the powdery white sand, and sipping a very cold piña colada. The sun is shining and the salty sea breeze cooling my half-naked body. My mind free of worries and my heart, at peace.

For a change, I am happy today. Once again, I am smiling.

But I am not going to say why, for a change.

Snakes and Ladders

Our life is a board game.

With each roll of the die, we either win a ladder

Or, quite unluckily, be bitten by a snake. 

Regardless, we took the chance.

Now, we're back at square one. 

Maybe the game is worth another try. 

Maybe it's not.

But no one gets it like we do

And that, for me, is reason enough to roll again.

It's your turn.

Summer of 1988

The year was 1988 and I was eight. The sun was shining brightly and I was outside the house playing with the kids from my place. Back then, I was a kid who did not know about the birds and the bees. But I knew I was different. 

I was eight and it was summer. The sun was shining brightly when, now on hindsight, I was molested. He was a family friend, my dad's friend in fact. We had stores in the local market so did he. I was the local mogul's eight-year old son while he was a 30ish dad with a few kids. 

"Totoy, tinitigasan ka na ba?", he asked.

"Po?"

"Eto, tumitigas na ba to?", he asked again as he grabbed me.

"Po? Tumitigas na po..."

He smiled. 

"Lika sama ka sa kin, may papakita ko sa yo...", he suggested.

I was young and curious. I have to admit, him holding me felt really good. It was unexplainably good. He started walking towards his empty storage room and he led me in. He locked the doors. It was cold and dark in that storage room and I was uncomfortable.

"Kuya, alis na po ako...", I asked.

"Wag muna... may papakita pa ko sa yo..."

"Ha? Ano po ba yun?"

He then unzipped his pants and showed me his long and thick tool.

"Hawakan mo...", he instructed.

"Po?"

He grabbed my hand and placed it on his tool.

"Gusto mo ba?"

"Alin po..."

"Yang hawak mo..."

"Malaki po..."

"Masarap yan... tikman mo..."

I felt cold. I was confused but there was this certain feeling that made me like what I was holding. I felt him hardened up even more.

"Subo mo...", he was firm with his instructions.

"Eh Kuya, uwi na po ako..."

"Sige na..."  he pleaded.

I was still hesitant. Until he kissed me. I felt his stubbled face on mine. His tongue invading my young mouth. His breathe smelled of cigarettes but his saliva tasted sweet. At eight, I learned how to french. I enjoyed how his tongue played with mine and I hardened up. 

"Masarap ba?", he asked me.

I looked at him and nodded. He smiled. 

"Subo mo na..."

And at that moment, I gave in. I licked the head and he moaned. His precum tasted weirdly sweet. He pumped my mouth hard that I gagged. I watched him take off his pants until he was butt naked in front of me. He pulled down my shorts and played with my tool. 

Kuya moaned like crazy as he jacked off before me. I was curious as to what he was doing and I watched him intently. A few minutes later, he pushed me to his crotch and asked me to open my mouth. Spurts of man juice flowed down my throat. I gagged but he was forceful.

"Kuyaaa...", I begged as I was gagging.

But he was still in heaven. Man juice was still oozing from his cock. I eventually threw up before him. My eyes were welling up. I was on the brink of crying. I was helpless. 

"Kuya... uwi na po ako...", I asked once again.

He kissed me again. I kissed him back. I was still hard but I did not know how I could make it stop. He pulled up his pants and zipped it. Kuya opened the door and let me out.

"Wag mong sasabihin kahit kanino to...", he warned me.

I just nodded. I left the room shocked. I did not know what just happened. All I knew then was that it somehow felt good. 

"Ano yun?", I asked myself.

Back then I did not have the answers. I was eight and the world was still unexplored. Now, twenty years later, I realized that Kuya was my first. I kept this story secret until I was nineteen. When I first told a friend of this story, I had already figured out I am gay.

Looking back, I know that Kuya was just the key to the life ahead of me. It's really funny but whenever I remember this story, I still get a hard on. The only difference is I know how to deal with it now and I need not walk home with a tent under my shorts.

I am sharing this story to set me free. This is my destiny and who I am now is who I am meant to be. 

Blogger's Note: I still see Kuya whenever I go home. His eyes tell me he still remembers what he did. I have forgiven him a long time ago. 

I Am Power

"So top ka ba?", I would normally prospective partners quite directly.

Unsuspecting tops would feel intimidated by this very simple question while the embarrassed bottoms would feel a bit insecure. The versas would remain unaffected which is exactly the reason why I rarely sleep with them, rarely not never.

But what's with roles and the blogs that discuss them? Blame Mugen since he started this whole discussion - I am just too happy to join the bandwagon. After all, I have single handedly managed to whore-ify my image online in less than a year anyway.

When people ask me my question, I would respond without batting an eyelash.

"Bottom ako."

I go for dominating tops - I refuse to be topped by someone who's less dominant than I am. And since I cannot speak for others, let me just speak for myself: 

"I excel in what I do and I have everything at my disposal...

... I am the king of everything in my life

... so I don't see anything wrong with being the catcher in bed."

Many people automatically equate being the bottom to submissive behavior while being the top is automatically equated to dominance. This is so totally not true and I am now going to make a very controversial statement: 

"Bottoms rule."

Based on my rather limited (or is it limitless) experience, the catcher holds the power. The only consideration is that the catcher should know that he CAN rule the sack. Without this understanding of his power, the catcher can never be king.

Let me end this post with a series of thought-provoking questions: 

• If you're a top: "Have you ever been with a power bottom?" 

If you haven't, try it. You will most definitely have fun. Just be safe.

• If you are a bottom: "How good are you in bed?"

Work on it and I guarantee you success.

• If you are power bottom: "Do you live nearby?"

Stay away from Ortigas. Just kidding. :)

• If you are a power top:"What's your number?"

And no, I am not kidding.

Blogger's Note: Just before I posted this online, I had to ask someone who wishes to remain anonymous how I fared in bed. He replied, "On a scale of 1-10... one million ka.". I almost fell off my bed laughing. Case closed.

The Island

I had a dream. I dreamt that I was on a boat floating in the middle of the sea. My boat was made of wood and it had a small white sail. It was not as sturdy as I would have wanted it but it kept me afloat. I was scared and I had no direction. Until I saw an island. 

"That's where I am heading...", I said to myself.

I was determined to get there. I rowed like crazy and prayed. I begged the wind to take me close enough to the island to allow me wade in the shallow waters (I do not know how to swim!). I finally found myself on dry land.

"Good job...", I said to myself.

I started exploring the island's white sand beach. It seemed deserted but there were signs that some people have been there before me. Right smack in the middle was a single coconut tree. Near the tree, I saw embers. 

"Someone was just recently here...", I thought.

I tried to familiarize myself with the surroundings. There were broken bottles everywhere. I saw blood stains.

"Somebody must have gotten hurt..."

I chose a spot under the coconut tree. I sat down and took in the warm sea breeze. It felt good.

"This is my island now...", I proclaimed.

*******************

Days passed and I was still on the island. The lone coconut tree bore fruit every single day and that provided me with the nourishment I needed to survive. I slept well on the island and felt right at home.

"I will build my home by the coconut tree.", I resolved.

Slowly, I built my own little nook. I kept myself busy by picking up the broken bottles scattered on its beach. I tried to tidy up the island. But there was one problem: quite interestingly, the embers just would not die. 

*******************

I cannot recall how it happened but I woke up one day and found myself back on my small wooden boat floating away from the island. 

"What the fuck? What happened?", I asked myself.

My boat was drifting away fast. The breeze was pushing me away from dry land. From where I was, I saw the embers burning brightly. 

"Shit, somebody must have reclaimed my island while I was sleeping..."

With all the strength I had, I rowed back to the island. But with every stroke, I felt a weaker. The wind was blowing hard and the waves were pushing me away. I later found myself back in the middle of the sea. I was on my boat again with no real direction. I was weak, scared and hungry. I missed my small nook beside the lone coconut tree. I missed my almost tidy white sand beach. I missed the whole island experience. 

*******************

God must have heard my prayers because I woke up one day and I saw a coconut floating within arms reach. 

"I must be near dry land again...", I whispered.

I looked around me and I once again saw my island from afar but it was now on fire. I closed my eyes and prayed for rain. And rain did come.

"Thank you for sparing my island...", I whispered.

*******************

I found myself rowing back to my island. With me was the floating coconut.

I know a lot has changed since my last visit...

... but I am hoping against hope that my nook would still be there

... for I have carved my name on the lone coconut tree

... and as long as that tree lives, I will be there.

Blogger's Note: I wrote this post to take my mind off my technical paper which, by the way, I finished writing (with room for editing later on), as promised. Wooohooo!!!

Pressure

The pressure is mounting. Graduation is approaching. 

"Mr. Tristan Tan, the deadline for graduation clearances is May 6th."

So why the hell am I still procrastinating? Damn. I just wish I had the same enthusiasm in writing my thesis as blogging online. My posts here can already complete a chapter! Plus, I have been extremely distracted in the last month and my attention (my very limited attention) has been diverted from my paper to something else. I even went on vacation for crying out loud! Darn.

"Breathe in... breathe out."

Tonight, I will not sleep. I will have a paper ready before the sun rises. This is my promise and this time, my promise will never be broken. I will deal with whatever it is that needs to be dealt with tomorrow. 

"I am so pressured right now. It hurts and I love it."

Blogging (and reading) break starts now and should end tomorrow morning. 

Blogger's Note: To you, as always, impeccable timing. Thank you. I badly need an inspiration. 

I Know My Priorities

It has been a long day at work so I decided to go online to get my usual fix of blogs, tweets and everything else in between. I checked my a ultimate favorite blogger's site, reviewed his post, and laughed. I felt better already. As I was going through some pictures in another account, I heard the site's standard message alert. 

"Hey, ready to taste me?", I read from your message.

I was already starting to get woozy so I read the note again. I looked at the metro chicken's profile and was a little bit impressed. 

"5'9, goodlooking, top, large."

"Pwede...", I thought.

I checked his pictures.

"Ah could be...", I whispered.

I typed my response.

"Sure... when?"

"Can I have your number? You want now?", he instantly replied.

"I want now?", I asked myself. 

"... what a very profound question...", I whispered.

I typed again.

"Not tonight, I'm tired. Where are you from anyway?", I replied.

"In my room. Do you have a place?", he responded.

"In my room?!?", I wondered.

"Yes, I have a place.", I typed back.

"Where can we meet?"

I was surprised at how easy it was to get booked but I was tired and sex was the least of my concerns, at least for tonight. But who was I to refuse a metro chicken? And so I tried to convince myself that I was horny. I reviewed my options.

"Sleep or fuck?", I asked myself.

"OK. Fuck.", I finally decided. 

"I'm gonna wait for you at Chowking at 1:00 AM. I can't give you my number it's TO CONFIDENCIAL...", I read from his message.

"Oh...", I exclaimed.

I shook my head and let out a hearty laugh.

"Oh you read just like.. uhmm... never mind."

"Hey, I'm sleepy, let's just reschedule.", I replied back.

So tonight, I will sleep. And there's nothing confidential about it. Ssshhhh...

Unapologetic

My earlier post was cruel, no it was evil. Unfortunately, this side is present in all of us - we secretly indulge in sin. The only difference is that I have the balls to write about it. 

Part of growing up is accepting the fact that there will always be people who will laugh at us for being who we are. Well tough luck, some people are just like that. It's all but fair. I am no stranger to these things - I have been laughed at, criticized, ostracized even, for being who I am. I have been stereotyped, called names and castigated for my actions (or words) but these have never been a hindrance to my personal enjoyment. I am who I am and I don't give a damn about what others think. At least not anymore. Take your best shot, I am sure it will lead you nowhere.

I am not bad, I am evil. Live with it or don't live with it. I don't care. I will never apologize for being me. Never.

Cheers, Tristan.

A Internet Savvy Post

Hi, my name is T and I am a internet savvy blogger. You know I doesn't really understand why some peoples make fun of my writing. I write well, aren't I? If I does not write well why are you even reading this blogs. Am I right?

I am an a professional in the metro but I am not a real banker, really. Believe me, I am an trying hard copy cat. But I hear from my close friends that peoples are jealous of me. They feel I am that a perfect person because I am rich. I am but I am not that much rich. I am just a simple and a ultimate person.

I meet people for sex and they are just using my a adorable body to keep them company. They are users and I am an charitable person. See? I am an very good person if you just looked deeper in my heart. I am not an whore. I am simply me.

I am a gym goer. I love the theater. I adore many dogs but not the big ones and the ugly looking one because I don't like ugly. I love big things and I am very good in bed especially when I dance. Don't worry, I will share with you my wonderful tales in the a coming days. It's a date, okay?


Blogger's Note: Forgive me Father Grammar for I have sinned. (insert evil laugh here). I just couldn't help myself. (insert thunder). Somebody stop me!!!

Back to Basics

So much has happened in the last nine months of Tristan Tales. In my quest to establish an online identity, I reviewed food, movies and even the latest videos. I blogged on life, love, sex, broken hearts, and egos. I ranted, laughed, whispered, smiled, winked, flirted on Tristan Tales. Through this site, I have also managed to fall in love twice and got hurt both times. Needless to say, it has been quite a ride. 

Now I find myself questioning the fundamental reason for Tristan Tales' existence. I distinctly recall that this site was established to be a venue for my sexcapades. It was not created to detail my quest for true love or a therapy for my broken heart. It was not designed to showcase the human side of the Tristan. My alter ego was not born to be a weak, emo-driven, love-struck, and crazy coward. He is a horn-dog, nothing more and nothing less. 

In the coming days, Tristan Tales will be undergoing a major downgrade. As the blogger tries to rebuild his life after his newfound freedom, his site will also go back to basics. Tristan Tales will once again be my playground and Tristan, my alter ego, will be reborn. 

Simply put, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. 

Reaching Out

Calm and collected

Realities now accepted

The line has been drawn

No looking back from now on

Priority reordered

Everything reconsidered

Future still uncertain

Friendship remains open

Proper introductions

Trust implications

A once in a lifetime offer

Now I wait and wonder

Ball now in your court

Waiting time hopefully is short

And you my ex and future friend

Would now need to text and finally send

 

Chicken-Chasing

I, along with a few bloggers, went out on a road trip to Tagaytay and found ourselves in Calaruega. I have never been there and the atheist-UPian in me felt indifferent. It was after all a retreat place and I was not really a retreat person. But I was there so there was really no point in not retreating when, in fact, I have recently decided to retreat (and surrender?).

It was there I saw the chicken. He was running around the place like crazy and I was amused. I took a picture. It felt good that in spite of how quickly it ran, I was able to catch it for a few seconds to get a good picture. 

This chicken seemed confused. He probably does not know he's a chicken. He probably thinks he's a retreatant as well. The chicken ran around the place trying to find itself until it settled beside me. I was amused.

"Why me? I am sure there are other chicken-lovers in the area...", I asked.

But the chicken stayed for a while. I must admit, I have never been fond of animals in general and while the metro in me felt weirded out, the agriculturist in me (oh yes, I come from THAT State U) felt right at home. The chicken was interested to get to know me and I, I had my stories to tell. The chicken was reaching out and I, even if I knew my niche, reached out as well. For a few moments, the chicken and I shared a bond. It felt good.

But the chicken probably realized that it was good for him to play around with other chickens. He was comfortable with that arrangement and so off he went. I saw him running around the place, this time with another chicken. They looked good together - they were both chickens anyway. I looked at them from afar. I imagined their lives together as chickens while I lived mine. But at the back of my mind, I was envious of them. 

"The chicken seemed happy with his life...", I thought.

I looked around the place and started walking towards the nearest makeshift store to buy my drink. I saw my chicken again but that was just about it. He approached me and looked at me in the eyes. I looked at him and I smiled. I wanted to hold my chicken but something stopped me. 

"I cannot hold a free bird in hand, that would just be not right", I whispered.

So I looked at my chicken one last time and said goodbye. 

"I am setting you free now, dear chicken... "

The chicken kept on reappearing before me. He was really stubborn. He must really be amused by me and was probably hoping that we can still be within arms reach. But we both knew better. 

"I am human and you are a chicken... it's just not meant to be...", I told him.

So with one final look, my chicken and I bid farewell. 

"Goodbye chicken..."

And my fellow humans and I, left the place. Walking away, I felt a tinge of sadness. I know that I will miss that chicken but I had to accept the fact that there are just some things that can never be - he will forever be a chicken while I will always be me. But for that brief moment, I connected with that chicken and he, he forever changed my life. 

I am done chasing chickens, finally.

Blogger's Note: Just because I missed my chicken so much, the bloggers and I later found ourselves eating at KFC that night. I enjoyed each and every bite of my original recipe chicken. I may not have had my provincial chicken for a long time but, I am surely enjoying (and will continue to enjoy further) tasting other chickens in the metro. 

I am sure my chicken is already happy where he is. And next week, he told me then, that he would be on vacation with his chicken-lover. And that is a story worth telling: how chickens finally learned how to fly.

This post was inspired by a Dyosa a.k.a. Ms. Philippines - Visayas who had that innate talent of conversing with plants and animals. This Dyosa is pikon but he's one cool dude to hang out with. 

The Cut

"Hey (insert my real name), Benjo here..."

I was confused. Why is my former staff texting me? I mean I had a crush on him years before but why is he texting me? I was in shock.

"Hello...", I texted back.

"San ka now?"

"At home?", I replied.

"Punta ko jan...", you texted back.

I panicked. I had to make that call. 

"O, you don't remember me?", you asked immediately.

I laughed as I recognized your voice. You were my half-Filipino, half-Hispanic human hobby from long ago. 

"Sorry, kasi kala ko ikaw yung staff ko sa office...", I explained.

"Ako to... remember?"

"Aba malay kong Benjo pala name mo?", I clarified.

And just like that, I was reminded that you wanted dated me then; back when things were more simple and I, I was not ready to date. Since you worked just across my building, you would often request to see me for lunch. I would often beg off. You would then just ask to see me when I smoke after lunch and we'd talk for a while. You were already fine with that arrangement and I felt like shit for doing that to you. You would often text me to check on how I was doing. I rarely replied. I was just disinterested.

"I've known you for more than a year now Tristan...", you said.

I smiled.

"Ikaw kasi, ayaw mo sa kin eh...", you continued.

"I never said that?", I replied.

"But you made it feel that way..."

"Oh I did? Sorry. I was not yet ready then."

"So you're ready now?"

His face lit up.

"Hindi pa din eh... paalis na din ako, I don't wanna start something that I can't follow through..."

"Oh okay... sayang naman", you replied.

"Don't worry, it's my loss. Okay ka naman eh..."

"I would have wanted to be your boyfriend."

"We're better off as friends."

And this time, I meant everything I said. He was just too weak for me and I needed someone who can tame me. He just did not make the cut.

"It will not work Benjo...", I whispered as he hugged me for the last time.

"Can we at least have dinner before you leave?", you asked.

"Sure... dinner would be fine... "

Shiny and New

A few minutes ago, you left my place and you left quite an impression indeed. From where I am sitting, I can see my reflection on the now newly-polished television set. It still makes me smile.

*************

I met you late last year under the same arrangement - you were for sex and that was clear. You sent me a message and I called you back. I remember leaving late at night to meet you up for coffee. I asked to be met near my place - same understanding that it would be easier for us to go back to my place if we felt like it. I was really curious about you.

I got the surprise of my life when I met you. You were a typical eagle (with due respect to all eagles everywhere) - you had that innermost confidence that made everyone around you feel a little bit insecure. No matter how hard I tried to fall into the "everyone" category, I succumbed to it. Especially when I found out who you really were. You were my ultra-rich, extra eloquent, super arrogant Atty. OC. You had that walk - the walk that only those people who were born rich had. You had that look that only people with breeding possess. You smelled of expensive perfume. You looked neat and you had that smile - oh my, I am really a sucker for smiles - that melted my heart. I was intimidated by you and I liked it.

Things were said and we later found ourselves back at my place enjoying what life had to offer. It was one of the better times that I seriously appreciated. You were one lazy lay when we started. Later I would find out that you knew your craft - and it made me reach that happy place effortlessly. The deed happened a couple more times since but that was just about everything to it. You were one great lay, period.

*************

You asked me where I was and what I was doing. I felt ready to be unholy and so I replied. A few hours later, as agreed, you were at my place and we found ourselves talking after the deed.

"May boyfriend ka?", I asked.

"Wala... hindi pa ko nagkakaboyfriend..."

"Wow virginal.. eh girlfriend..."

"Wala na..."

"Wala na?", I asked.

"Yeah, we were supposed to get married in May but we called it quits three months ago..."

I froze. 

"Oh no, not you too?", I thought.

"So you mean to say, when we first met, you were uhmm, engaged?"

You laughed.

"Why do I keep on meeting these people?", I asked myself.

"So ano na plano mo?"

"Wala naman..."

"Why, do you wanna date me?", you asked.

I laughed.

"Maybe..."

"Didn't you like me then?"

"I did but..."

"So why don't you?", you asked.

I smiled.

"Ok lang naman eh... but we can't really go out in Manila in public...", you explained.

"Why not?", I asked.

"Mahirap na..."

I fell silent.

"But we can go out of town...", you explained.

"Or we can stay here... luto na lang dinner..."

"Anywhere... but not in the malls, not in Manila..."

I finally smiled.

"If I were to be with you, ano naman bawal?", you asked.

"Bawal? Wala.... just do what you want.",  I replied.

"Pero hindi ako mahilig magtext... tamad akong tao, masama akong tao pero minsan lang naman...", you explained.

"Ako din..."

"So how would this work?", you asked.

"Ewan..."

"Ok lang ba if I come here every night?", you asked.

"No...", I replied.

"Every week? I'll sleep over every week?"

"I think that might work..."

"Okay, I'll see you Fridays..."

"Eh pano naman social life ko?", I asked.

"O basta, sabihin mo lang..."

I nodded.

*************

Just before you left, you saw my television. It was dusty and I felt embarrassed by it. 

"Sorry, OC ako sa TV...", you said as you grabbed a tissue and started wiping.

I laughed.

"Uy seriously, I am so embarrassed..."

"Don't worry, I enjoy doing this..."

The television was so shiny that it could pass as new when you were done with it.

"O pano, alis na ko?"

"Hatid mo ba ko sa kotse?", you asked.

"Oo naman, ikaw pa...", I flirted.

"See you when I get back..."

So how would this story end? I don't really know. All I know is that looking at my now-sparkling TV tells me that things will soon be shiny and new.