This Is How It's Done

I woke up late today, probably because I was buzzed out from last night. Who knew that a couple of bottles of Heineken Light would be all I need to sleep tight? Anyway, when I turned to my side, it was already 8:30 AM and that was actually the time I needed to be at work. So there you go. I rushed and I rushed some more. A few minutes later, I was on the shuttle and then finally on the train.

And there I was, a little jolted but feeling refreshed from the best sleep I have had so far, for a very long time. So everything felt better and I was having one of those "I feel so effin good" days. There were a couple of VGLs (read: very good looking) guys on the train but there was one I seriously liked. Again, he's one of those American jocks that I have so been dreaming about. He's around 5'10ish and he looks really delicious. I palpitated.

I tried to make contact. I seriously did. I smiled with my eyes (and yes, Tyra, I learned that from you) but he would not just look my way. I had imagined all sorts of stuff in my head as the train moved forward. They say guys think about sex almost 100% of the time - gays are pretty much guys anyway in better looking clothes so there you go. I was almost at the verge of imagining something really really kinky when he finally looked my way. I smiled. He just looked at me.

I know it was rude to stare at people in the train especially at 9ish in the morning but I just could not help it. I felt good and he looked even better. Besides, I had my hair cut over the weekend so I look fantabulous. Anyway, he sort of gave me a stare down - the one where you feel that someone actually looked at you from head to toe. Shit. I felt harassed. I quickly turned the other way. I felt it was rude but hey, I started it.

I sort of drifted into dream land for a few minutes. The train stopped. The doors opened. From where I was standing, I looked at my American jock. He looked at me again - still I felt that he was profiling me. He still looked snotty. And it was at that point when I noticed that there was something sticking out from just behind his neck. I double checked. It read: "ARROW". I was impressed, the boy had taste.

But snotty as he was, he failed to realize one thing. I took a quick step towards him. Leaned a little and whispered something to his ear. He sort of felt a little off with what I did but I felt I had to do it. My urge was so extreme that I felt responsible for something. He was after all cute. After hearing what I had to say, he blushed and let out a very restrained giggle. I brushed it off, smiled and introduced myself. His name is Tom but to me, he will forever be Tom with the inside out shirt.

And yes, we're having cocktails soon. I just wish we have the same thing in mind.

Top That

He's top, black (and I have no problems with that), and he was even apologetic for his seven - at least that's what he said before coming over. I was just too horny to even bother - well not really, I just did not care. So I showed him what he was going to get on cam. He looked interested. Then he showed me his "shortcoming" or so he thinks. But again, I simply did not care.

So when he asked for my number, I did not bother thinking twice. I typed it in, one number at a time. My phone rang shortly thereafter and he was on the other line. I must admit, he sounded as good as he looked. I was slang, as usual. At least, I tried to be. I closed the deal and gave him directions. A few minutes later, I received a call. He was at the parking area.

He extended his hand. I met his. I never bothered to ask for his name. I only gave him mine when he asked. I smiled. I flirted. He did too. And then the deed. He's black and he's a seven. Fair enough. But he looked good - in fact, better than I had expected. But I found the deed pretty lousy. And I never performed as well as I could have. I was just bored. I guess I may be too old for casual sex. I may need something more permanent. But hey, beggars can't be choosers. This is what I have, this is what I'll make the most of. Casual sex it is.

But he was just too blah. I mean, sex was just too routine. With him it was - neck, right nipple, left nipple, blowjob, kiss, right nipple, left nipple, blowjob. Geez. I needed something more. A few minutes into the deed, he had already asked me if he could see me again. I rolled my eyes. I would have wanted to say no but I was too kind. I just smiled. Seriously, who asks for a repeat in the middle of the game? I seriously don't get it.

"Tristan, I'd like to see you again, would that be okay?", so he asked again just before we parted ways.

I looked at him, smiled and said:

"I'm sorry, I can't. This is just a one-time thing. Besides, I don't think my wife is going to like that."

And I think he bought it. Ha ha.

Now, top that.

The Love Letter

Tinanong mo akong minsan kung bakit kita mahal. Natawa lang ako sa tanong mo. At ikaw, sa halip na isiping insulto ang ginawa kong pagtawa ay napangiti na lang din. At noon ko nakita ang sagot sa tanong mo.

Mahal kita kasi ang cute mong ngumiti, para kang totoy. Mahal kita kasi marunong kang umunawa. Mahal kita kasi mahaba ang pasensya mo sa isang childish na katulad ko. Mahal kita kasi, komportable ako pag kasama kita. Tanggap mo kung sino ako at kung ano ako. At higit sa lahat, mahal kita kasi nararamdaman kong hindi tayo naglolokohan…

Tulad ngayon, nasa malayo ako. Trabaho na naman. Gusto ko isipin na naiintindihan mo ako kahit mahirap para sayo. Salamat. Alam ko marami pa akong pagkukulang. Alam kong hindi ako masyado sweet. Alam kong hindi ako expressive. Mahilig akong mag-I love you pero alam ko din na hindi naman yun enough. Alam kong mas gusto mong maramdaman kaysa madinig lang yun. Pero higit sa lahat, alam ko din na naiintindihan mo na, sa tulad natin na madalas magkalayo, yun lang ang paraan ko para sabihin na mahal kita.

Siguro akala mo, hindi ko pansin na hindi ka naman talaga masaya sa kin. Minsan nga naiinis ako sa sarili ko, sa pagkakataon, sa oras ko sa trabaho - kung pwede lang talagang habaan ang oras ko. Pero sana maintindihan mo din sana na pinipilit ko na kahit gaano pa ko kapagod na tawagan ka, na makita ka. Sorry kasi hindi na kita masundo sa trabaho, sa bahay kahit gustuhin ko. Pasensya ka na kung hindi man lang tayo nakakalabas. Babawi ako, pangako yan.

Sana lang, sana habaan mo pa ang pang-unawa. Sana hindi ka mapagod sa akin. Sana hindi ka magsawa sa kabaliwan ko. Sana mahalin mo pa ako ng matagal dahil ang alam ko, masaya ako ngayon sa yo. Ang nararamdaman ko, mahal kita at yun ang totoo.

Tristan

November 9, 2003

Blogger's Note: I wrote the above letter almost six years ago - I think I did. While I was reading this earlier, I tried to remember who I wrote this for and I, for some reason, honestly can't remember. Seriously. Anyway, this quote also came with the letter. I can't remember why it's there. Obviously, I am also uncertain who wrote it.

“It’s hard to believe, after all that we’ve been through. Time and chance won’t allow us to be lovers. It’s funny and it’s sad, now you have to go away, leaving me with nothing but a song to sing. When I’m lonely and all alone, I will hymn the music that we’ve once played. When you’re nowhere to be found, I’ll just close my eyes and hear the whisper of the memories, we once shared as friends. And that would be enough to remind me of the song you taught me to sing, the song in my heart.”

It seems that, much like the above letter, everything that I have written in this blog - all the love letters, bitter posts and everything in between - will all just be words after a few years. The love will disappear, the pain will be forgotten and everything else in between will all be memories of days gone by. There is still hope. Selective amnesia is possible.

My Not-So-Grown Up Christmas List

Dear Santa,

I am placing my orders early this year.

Other than my move to a different country, things have been quite off this year. I checked my horoscope and it says otherwise - I should be having a blast! But I am not, so I have actually stopped reading them. I would normally pray every night but even that has provided limited impact - or maybe I am just too difficult to please? What do you think? So I am hoping that maybe you could help me out. I'm just a little stuck and I need some help.

Santa, I have been a good boy in the last several months so I figured that maybe you can process my Christmas gifts early this year. I'd appreciate bulk overnight delivery but if it becomes a little too tough, please feel free to deliver once a month. So here goes:

For September, I'd badly need an "undo" button Santa - the one which I can use to undo the things I said; the things I did; and even the things I wrote. I have been quite a mess lately and I am guessing these have something to do with my nimble fingers, my big mouth and my low level of maturity. If I can also undo stuff like drilling holes on the wall, buying certain furniture and meeting some people then it would be perfect!

If that does not work, for October, can you get me "selective amnesia" - preferably one that can be just downloaded online and consumed in capsule form? It would also be good if it does not have calories - I am seriously trying to lose weight, as you probably know. I'd like to forget certain things - I think holding on to them makes me less happy.

November might be a good time for something neat - can you wrap me up a boyfriend? I'll send you the requirements in a separate email. I would just need to figure out what I want this time around. Right now, everything's still a blur. All I know is that I'd need someone who'd actually stay. I'd appreciate it greatly if you'd put me on the priority list, thanks.

And then come December, there's no need to get me anything. I think I'd be all set by then. Just focus your resources on my friends and family - hopefully all their wishes also come true.

Thanks much Santa... oh and Merry Christmas!

Love, Tristan

Asa Ka Pa

"Now try your best now baby, try your best to break me.

You can't break a broken heart."

Is He?

I got this rather weird email this morning which said:

"Dear Tristan, further to Mr. F's visa for (insert country), please confirm if he is indeed a male."

I rolled my eyes and let out a hearty laugh.

"Well, well, well... ", I thought.

I have always had a crush on Mr. F since I came on board and this, I found quite interesting. I imagined there would be dinner, then wine, then we'd drive off into the sunset and I'd give him the most amazing blow he would ever get in this lifetime. I stared at my screen and started typing on the keyboard.

"Dear Ms. ____, please let me get back to you on this. I will just have to check with Mr. F if he is indeed a male.", I wanted to type in.

But the professional in me typed this instead.

"Dear Ms. ____, this is to confirm that Mr. F is a male."

I cringed. I rarely conclude without proper evidence but this time, I had to make an exception.

Red

The next thing I remember - I was walking aimlessly.
I had no direction.
My chest felt heavy. I can barely breathe.
The world was a blur.

The sun was shining and breeze was cool.
But I felt cold. My hands were trembling.
I can feel my eyes warm up.
Tears were starting to form.

I had lost control over myself, again.
I walked and walked some more.
I looked back and everything was still a blur.
I looked up. The light was red. So is my shirt. Bloody as my heart.

I stopped -
Breathed in the cool summer air.
Tears were still forming in the corner of my eyes.
I am sure they were already red, much like my shirt, just like my heart.

I grabbed my phone.
I had to call someone else I'd just crack.
I dialled a number.
It was a familiar voice. A friend.

The moment he said hello was the moment my tears flowed.
And people started to notice.
I quickly turned around and walked the other way.
Nobody needed to know.

I found a spot.
And that was when I had the courage to spill.
"Hindi ko na kaya...", I told the friend.
"Sorry, hindi ko na talaga kaya...", I repeated several times.

Obviously, the friend had been awaken from sleep.
But he listened. Much as I expected. Something I needed.
And he listened some more.
Tears flowed freely, finally... again.

Thank God for friends who sleep so little.
Salamat kaibigan, alam mo kung sino ka.
I could never have gone through that alone again, salamat.
At ngayon, gaya ng dati at inaasahan, kaya ko na.

To the world, he was just a man wearing red; crying by the curb.
Nobody knows his story.
To them, he's just a man whose eyes were as red as his shirt
What they don't know is that his heart is as broken as the boy who broke him, again.

Sulat Puyat

Madaling araw na at kailangan ko na yata talagang matulog pero pano ko naman gagawin yun eh ang bigat ng dibdib ko. Gusto ko sana umiyak ng bonggang bongga with matching kuskos ng sabon under the shower pero hindi ko magawa. Baka kasi ginawin ako. Kaya habang nagtitipa ako ng letra sa laptop, tumutulo luha ko sabay singhot kasi baka pati uhog eh mag-cameo appearance. Dyahe naman.

Susubukan ko na lang isulat, baka sakaling gumaan ang pakiramdam ko para makatulog ng maayos bago ang trabaho ilang oras mula ngayon. Kailangan ko lang mailabas ito. Kailangan ko itong iputok dahil kung hindi baka mapuyat ako ng husto. Kailangan pagputok lampas sa noo for maximum impact. Kukuha muna ko ng tissue para pag nag-emote ako eh game na game na, teka.

Malungkot ang usapan natin. Madrama. Alam natin may mangyayari but it's just so easy for us to brush it aside and gloss things with jokes and side comments. Mahirap iwasan ang katotohanan. At ito ang masaklap. Ang hirap kasi sa tin, parehong matigas ulo natin. Stubborn sobra. At dahil dyan, pareho natin ikababagsak yan. Jusko, kung test ito, matagal na tayong repeater. Yun nga lang, mas malakas ang loob kong maghamon ng deretsong usapan.

Ang mahirap kasi, madaming epal sa mundo. Madaming nagmamaganda eh hindi naman kagandahan. Pero hindi yun ang tunay na problema - kasi ganito yun - hindi tayo marunong makinig sa kwento ng matatanda. Ilang beses na kasing ipinaliwanag sa atin na wag na dapat ipilit ang mga bagay na wala na talagang pag-asa pero dahil sadyang masakit tayo sa bangs, eh ang kulit para tayong titi na nagsusumiksik sa pwet. Panalo.

Pero kasi 'pre, pagod na ko sa madramang buhay. Ayaw ko na. Sabi nga ni Sam Milby, "ayowkow..." kasi naman OA na no. Lahat na ata ng angle kinareer na natin - kulang na lang eh may isang mabyuda. Hindi na funny. So I am calling it quits. Tama na. Hindi na tamang kumanta ng "I was wrong when I hurt you, did you have to hurt me too?" at lalong lalong tigilan na ang "muling ibalik ang tamis ng pag-ibig...". Isang malaking esmyusmee.

So tama na. Kung pwede nga lang kalembangin ko na ang utak mo, matagal ko nang ginawa. Kasi naman - ay naku. Isa kang malaking che! Alam ko paggising ko after a few hours, iba na naman ang takbo ng buhay ko at lalong iba na din ang takbo ng buhay mo. Parang wala na naman nangyari - pero malaki ka na. Malaki na din ako. So magdesisyon ka na at ako naman eh magda-diet, malaki na ko e. Ha ha. I am confident that you'll get through this - you have the support that you need. Tandaan mo lang, na pag may sinabi sila sa yo, umasa ka madalas yun eh mali. Baliktarin mo, yun ang tama. Wag masyadong uto uto.

I'll definitely miss you, araw-araw, pero alam ko kasi ito ang tamang gawin natin - para sa yo, para sa kin at para sa ting dalawa. Magkikita pa din naman tayo... manalig ka. Mahirap naman kasi tayo magkalimutan, alam na natin yan. Kaya kahit na may magalit pa ng bonggang bongga, mahal kita, kahit na aanga-anga ka. Yun na.

Better Than True Love

Today, my bed, err the bed frame, was finally delivered. It took me a while to convince myself that I needed it since it's largely decorative. But one day, I woke up realizing that one indeed needs something to hold on to - and if it's not true love then it's a sturdy head board. So I ordered online and a couple of weeks later, voila.

But there was one problem, I am not a handy man and the effin bed frame came in boxes. I slowly took the pieces out of the boxes and carefully tried to figure out how they could magically transform into a real bed. They did not. I was doomed. I was forced to study how to construct the damn thing and there were like several types of screws, washers and what have yous. I was most definitely screwed and not in a good way. But I was not just about to give up - I needed something to hold on to, seriously.

For two hours, I struggled to build the effin thing and boy was I extremely happy with the end result. Now this is something I can definitely use - I just need cuffs and another cute jock to play with. Ha ha. I guess headboards are better than true love - I will most definitely hold on to this no matter what. And yes, there will be effin on this effin bed.

Here's my bedroom sans art work. I'll get some this weekend. Can't wait.

I Used To

I used to dream of my college jock.

And I dreamt of meeting him here and he's perfect - tall, blonde, perfect body, and with a big dickie. My jock would come with brains on the side - I am a brainiac after all and I like them to make sense, sometimes. So I dreamed and dreamed some more.

I would dream that he would come to my apartment complex and park his red sports car outside my building. I had imagined he would smile when he sees me for the first time and extend his hand for a firm hand shake and I, I would try to hide my excitement as much as possible. I had long dreamed that he would give me his name and I would go weak on the knees.

I had imagined that he would take quick glances at me while we were in the lift and I, I would do the same. I would imagine that he would be smiling all the way to my room while talking to me about very petty stuff. I had visualized his reaction coming into my humble abode. I would then offer him something to drink and he'd say he's good. I had imagine that he would be sitting on my red couch and the room would be dimmed - romantically set even. It would be perfect.

I had dreamed that he would kiss me the moment he felt comfortable - and that kiss would be something I had long waited for. I had visualized that he would be really into me and his hard on would be the testament to his undying lust. I had imagined that he would lead me to the bed - us still kissing. And since he's taller that I am, I had imagined that he would need to bend a little to do the deed. I had imagined how he would lay me down in bed, his weight on me and we would kiss some more.

I had imagined how things would go from there. How porn-ish it would be as we both approach the climax. I had imagined how we would both let out uninhibited moans as we both reach that happy place, together - and we would just stay there until we both recover from it all. I had visualized two sweaty bodies on my black bed, cuddling. My college jock would then tell me his story - who he really is - and he would confirm that his name is really that. And he would tell me he's nineteen. I had already planned to ask if it was even legal for him to be in bed with me. And he would laugh.

I had imagined more cuddling, comforting pauses and constant kisses. My jock would be crazy about me. I had imagined that things would happen again (and again) until the time we were both wasted. Happily wasted. I had imagined talking to him about many things after sex - life, love, work, school, movies and he would be really be interested to hear what I had wanted to say. He would also be comfortable enough to tell me his views. I had imagined that he would tell me that he liked me so much and I, I would tell him I felt the same.

I had imagined that I'd feel giddy afterwards. He would then ask to leave and I, I would would walk him to his car. I had visualized a handshake - no, a kiss just before he left and got in the car. I had imagined it would be long and passionate, just like the ones we had in bed. I had prepared myself for this, kissing in a public place at three in the morning and it would be liberating. I had imagined that his car window had been rolled down and he would smile at me as he drove by on his way home. And he would call in when he got home to let me know that he got home safely, just as I had told him to. I had imagined that he'd also tell me how much he had enjoyed my company and how much he liked me. He would then ask me out again and I, I would say yes.

I used to dream of my college jock, with all that.

I used to. Not anymore.

You're a Star!

"Tristan, you're a star!", ang bati sa kin ng isang katrabaho matapos ko syang tulungan sa ginagawa nya.

Napangiti ako at nagpasalamat.

I was ready to forget that "incident" (incident talaga!) but it happened again.

"Tristan, you're a star!", ang sabi sa kin ng isa pang tao sa instant messaging.

Napakunot ang noo ko.

"Taena mga to, niloloko ata ako..."

Then napaisip ako - kalevel kaya ito ng meaningless "how are you doing?" nila makakasalubong ko sila sa corridor? Baka nga.

Pero kanina, pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginagawa ko para sa isa pang grupo, dalawa sa kanila ang lumapit sa kin at nagsabi sa kin na... guess what?

"Tristan, you're a star!"

Sabi sa inyo, napatulala ako at hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko. Napahagalpak ako ng tawa. Medyo na-confuse ata sila sa reaction ko pero yung isa, hindi pa yata nakuntentong mambola, may matching hug at beso pa. French beso, both cheeks habang paulit ulit, star daw ako. Panalo di ba? Pero deep inside, I felt harassed pinagbibintangan akong star? May star ba ako sa noo? Wala naman.

Isang malaking buntong hininga na lang.

"Eto nga yata ang sinasabi nila... I can't have it all."

Ang nakakapikon kasi, hindi naman ako star, diva ako, diva!

Blogger's Note: Pagkatapos ng huling incident na yun, lahat ng taong makasalubong ko sa opisina eh sinasabihan ko din, "_____, you're a star!". Sakit sa ulo. Ha ha.

The New Order

Twelve will drive me crazy
Eleven's more or less the same
Ten is still humongous
Nine is already fair game

Eight will be the standard
Seven still makes me hard
Six, I'm a little indifferent
Five is definitely the lower limit

Four? Three?
Two and good Lord, one?
Come and get naked
Come and let me do you instead.

Good Morning

Masakit ang ulo ko pagkagising.

Umikot ako sa kama, pagtingin ko sa bintana kong pagkalaki-laki, mataas na ang araw. Syet, late na naman ako. I turned to my side. Nakasarado ang laptop sa tabi ko. Nakapatong ang earphones na nakakabit pa. Pumikit ako at may pilit na inalala. Naramdaman ko bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. I took a deep breath. Naupo ako sa gilid ng kama. Pupungay pungay pa ang mata ko nang buksan ko ang laptop. I typed in the password. Natulala ako ako sa nakita. Nawala ang antok ko. Napatigil ng paghinga. Nanlaki ang mata sa aking nabasa. Totoo nga pala. Nangyari pala talaga. Totoo lahat. Hindi yata ako nananaginip. Napangiti ako. Nagdasal saglit. Nagpasalamat. Malakas talaga ko sa'yo Bro, naks.

Napaisip ako ulit - gusto ko na lang tumawag sa opisina at mag-sick leave. I'm sick kaya, yaya! Pumunta ko banyo. Juminggel. Nanginig. Tiningnan ang sarili ko sa salamin. "Hello gorgeous!, ang bati ko sa sarili ko. Nagtoothbrush. Nagcontacts. Mabagal ang ikot ng mundo ko, masakit ang ulo ko e. Pero bakit parang masaya ako. Napaisip. Ah si ano kasi... saka si ano... and of course, si ano... San ka pa? Tapos si ano pa... saka si ano... saka si ano... pero ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat... bukas na lang - may meeting na kasi ako.

Pero pala, may hindi ako maintindihan - on the way to work eto ang tumatakbo sa isip ko, tama ba to?





Ang tigas talaga ng ulo ko. Good morning.

For a Change

It was past three when I got to the mall and I was still very early for the date. I had, once again, miscalculated the trip. It gave me time to wander around the mall and try to convince myself that I do not need that extra pair of shoes, that sweet A/F perfume or that fantabulous Banana Rep suit hanging by the window. But, I was destined to fail and fall hard, I did. Ugh. Anyway, I was all too happy that day - armed with my trusty wallet, I roamed around the mall in dark plaid shorts, a red Gap shirt, and flip flops, I looked so plain but it did not really matter. I was not there to impress anyone - I was just there for a quick bite and a nice movie, at least that was the plan.

I had been waiting for this day since the week begun. I was not disappointed. The meal was fantastic - the beef brisket just melted in my mouth while the sides were to die for. The movie was supposedly good. I was really excited, giddy even. Inside the theater, it was freezing. I looked around and there were couples everywhere - guys who dated girls, girls who dated guys, and guys who dated other guys - all of them appeared so much in love. I found the perfect seats and I started walking towards it. I laid down my shopping bags, sat down, and crossed my leg. I looked around - same scene. I would normally hurl when I see couples, period but not that day. I was so assured of my own little nook in the movie house.

Nobody held my hand. Nobody tickled me on the side. Nobody asked questions on what happened to who, who killed what and what have yous. Nobody asked me to repeat what the other guy had just said and there were no, "please hand me the popcorn..." or girly squeals on the side. But yes, there was sobbing - a little, mostly from me. I was after all the a-ultimate drama queen. It was just perfect.

When the credits rolled, I stood up and walked out of the theater. I never looked back. I need not wait for anybody else. I was alone and I had fun. Oh and more importantly, I was able to finish the movie which never happens back home whenever I watch movies by myself.

To Start the Week Right

I just came back from my routine and it felt good. So I have decided, I will write a feel good post to start the week right err.. your week right - mine will start after one more eye shut.

So there I was, tired from the run around the block. It was a good run - the weather was relatively cool and the breeze made every stride easier. After two rounds, I decided to lift weights. Good thing there were several cute-sies in the gym - they made my life easier. They inspired me to lift heavier weights. I felt that I needed to impress - now I can't feel my arms. Ha ha. Here's my new profile picture taken at the gym.

But here's the clincher. After the work out and after a few minutes of chatting with total strangers by the pool, I decided to go back to the apartment. I waited for the lift. The doors opened up. I went in. Just as the doors were about to close, a woman managed to get through. She looked Filipina. I asked her which floor she was on - she replied. I pressed the button. She was with someone. I glanced at the man.

I giggled inside as the lift traversed from floor to floor. I tried to control my laughter. Poker face mode, on. My eyes tried to hide the joke I was going through. I had to. I might just laugh and we don't want that. I shook my head when I got out of the lift and finally let out a chuckle. I went online and sent Mr. Married Guy (from the building) a message which said:

"You looked so frightened inside the elevator. Haha. Relax. And yes, I'll see you on Friday..."

And just like that, my weekend turned for the better.

Happy New Week everyone! ;)

Far and Away

It finally hit me.

After two months, I finally felt the pangs of homesickness.

I miss home. I miss my friends. I miss carefree nights hanging out with friends and not having to worry about how I'd get home. I miss my cabbies. I miss my boys. I miss Megamall. I miss my Ministop chicken. I miss Jollibee Champ and my birthday spaghetti. I miss Boracay, my happy place. Surprisingly, I miss the pretentious BED scene. I miss my dancing buddies. I miss my old life.

But what sucks is that homesickness usually hits when I least expect it - while waiting for the bus, while doing the grocery, in line for movie tickets, shopping at fancy shmancy stores. It just hits and the next thing I'd know is that I'm dead.

Then I'd find myself wishing - seriously wishing for powers of teleportation. I'd wish that a quick trip on a bus gets me back home. But it does not. It cannot. It drains me to be this far away from everyone and everything that mean something. And it kills me that the serious cash that I am making does not and cannot compensate for the level of unhappiness that has hit me since a few days ago. And no amount of sex can ever get me there.

Running helps, it tires me out. But sometimes, I find myself in tears. I cry for my aching limbs as well as for things that I cannot change. I run for the frustrations. I run for my helplessness. I run to numb myself. Most of the time, I find myself praying while running; wishing for the courage to accept the things I cannot change and the strength to persevere. I wish that effin endorphins can finally make me happy.

Everyday, I write - just so I don't feel alone; just so I can get through the day knowing that I have friends back home who still give a damn. It's hard to live your life knowing that nobody really cares. Here, one can go crazy and all you'd hear is a fake "how are you doing?". Nobody really gives a damn. I guess I am just lucky to consider a handful of you as friends - those who chose to be real. You guys still keep me sane.

Maybe things will get better soon; maybe I'd finally get over my old life, much as I have gotten over many things in the past. But, in the meantime, please excuse me - I am done writing and I now need to run.

Twisted Thoughts

Kumapit kayo.

Kanina pauwi ako galing trabaho, nakatayo ako sa loob ng tren. Punuan na kasi. Rush hour na. Siksikan na talaga pero nagawa ko naman makahanap ng magandang pwesto. Inilabas ko ang ipod ko at inayos ang earphones. Nagpatugtog ako. Umandar ang tren. Kumapit ako. Bumilis ang andar ng tren. Huminga ako ng malalim at bumulong sa sarili ko, "sa wakas makakauwi na din ako...".

Tumigil ang sasakyan. Bumukas ang pinto. Pumasok sya at ang mga kasama nya. Naka-green sya na tank top. Ang gandang babae. Walang bra. At kitang kita mo ang bakat ng boobs nya. Napatingin ako. Umandar ulit ang tren. Nakita ko syang kumapit sa poste sa loob ng sasakyan tila ba humahanap ng balanse. She had a small bag on her right arm. When she finally found her balance, she fixed her hair. Maiksi ang buhok nyang itim, hanggang balikat lang at derechong derecho. Makintab. Amputi nung babae - maputi pati kili-kili at pantay ang kulay. Ang kinis ng balat. Nagpanggap akong may hinahanap pero sa totoo lang, sya ang tinitingnan ko.

Sumulyap sulyap ako muli. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang pumasok sa isip ko pero hindi ko maalis sa isip ko na tingnan sya at humanga mula sa kinatatayuan ko. Kahit anong control ko, lagi akong napapatingin sa kanya lalo na sa boobs - yung arko ng boobs sa may bandang kili-kili. Wala talagang bra. Napalunok ako. Ang ganda. I think she's Greek. Nagtama ang mga mata namin. She looked at me for a second and gave a half-smile. Napahiya ako. I smiled back but immediately looked the other way. Kinuha ko ang ipod sa bulsa at kunyaring nagpalit ng kanta. Napamura ako ng pabulong. Kelangan pigilan ko ang sarili ko. Nakakahiyang tumingin ulit.

Pero matigas ang ulo ko. Pag may pagkakataon, binabalikan ko sya ng tingin. Minsan lang ako magandahan sa babae at isa na to sa mga pagkakataon na yun. May naramdaman ako. May ginusto akong gawin. May na-imagine. May gumalaw. May tumigas. Napamura na naman ako. Huminga ako ng malalim. May inayos. Pumikit ako sandali. Nagfocus ako sa kanta. Tumigil ulit ang tren. Bumukas ang pinto. Pagmulat ko, magkaharap na kami ng babae. Dumami na ang pasahero. Siksikan na talaga.

Hindi ko na kinaya. Kailangan ko ng control. I took a step back dahil alam kong kung hindi ko gagawin yun, baka madakma ko bigla ang boobs nya. Kinakabahan ako. Naalala ko ang pakiramdam ng ganun. Ibinalik ako sa panahon na "normal" pa ang buhay ko. Tumingin ako sa malayo, Naghanap ng ibang mapaglilibangan pero wala - ang isip ko ay nasa babaeng maganda sa harapan ko. Nagbago ang pakiramdam ko. Parang biglang kaya ko nang gawin kahit ano. Parang tama ang mga nangyayari. Parang sinasadya ng langit ang lahat.

Isa pang malalim na hinga pa. Pumikit ako. Sa muling pagmulat ng mata ko, andun pa din ang napakandang babae sa harap ko. Wala pa din syang bra. Sa saglit kong pagpikit naisip kong magbagong buhay - mamuhay ng gaya ng inaasahan ng mga magulang ko. I had thought of going straight. I felt I had everything under control.

Lumabas ang tren sa tunnel, nakita ko muli ang araw. Tiningnan kong muli ang babae. Pinagmasdan ang kanyang katawan. Inisip ang mga nangyari. I looked pass her. Napatawa ako. Mas masarap pala ang boyfriend nya.

Yun na.

Tristan's Yes

Naisip ko lang, life here is so different from life back home. Ibang iba. At dahil dyan, pati writing style ko naiba. Dati kasi, afford kong magpakadalubhasa sa Ingles dahil kasi, madami akong chinichismis in Taglish. Ngayon, nakakangalay ng panga ang mag-English maghapon. Pati pagtawa ko kelangan slang. Punyeta. Kaya pala, naisip ko na, kung bakit mas masaya akong mag-Taglish dito. Now I know.

So imagine nyo na lang na nakikikape lang kayo. Naka-cross leg ang lolo nyo, nasa harap ko eh cellphone at isang kahang yosi. Umorder din ako ng Venti Cafe Latte, Non-fat para hindi ako mauhaw. At may cheesecake. Makitinidor ka na lang. So nagchichismisan lang tayo. Syet, ang pathetic ng buhay ko. Ha ha. Pero keri lang. Makinig na lang kayo tutal kahit naman in person, siguradong babangka din ako. Unless of course, may mas maingay sa kin. Tatahimik lang ako.

So ano ba ang kwento ko for today. Isip. Ay alam ko na. I have a date... yata. Kakaloka. Hindi ko maintindihan paano nangyari pero parang may date nga ata ako. Ganito kasi yun. Naalala nyo ang boylet ko na may very big surprise sa kin? Yung gusto ng sex with brains. Sakit sa ulo. Anyway, hindi ko naman inaasahan na kukulitin ako. So he called me up the other day - for no reason whatsoever. He just wanted to make conversation daw. Ako naman, busy kasi noong time na yun, balak ko na maglaba so I asked him quite directly why he was calling. Natameme ang lolo nyo. Parang may balak kumwento pero nahihiya. So ako naman, in the spirit of camarederie and the United Nations, I started the conversation. Sabi ko, "hey Joe, you wanna give it a go go go?". Joke lang. But I made kwento.

I made kwento about the birds and the bees. Why love is not sweeter the second time around? Why first love dies? Why honesty is not always the best policy? and other senseless stuff that came to my mind. He felt comfortable naman so he made kwento about his ultra square life - about the contractors that fixed his house, his car, his daily commute, how he irons his shirts every day, how our first date would go? Ano daw?!? Our date daw?!? Nalaglag ako ng kama, I swear. Napasigaw ng kaunti. Napangiti. Kinilig. Ang walanghiya, nagyaya nga yata ng date. What's a boy got to do, but ask, "are you paying?" Haha. Of course not, hindi ako cheap. I asked him pa din...when, where, what, why, how? Naloka ang lolo nyo.

As it turns out, sa Saberdey daw ang "meet up". Sabi ko kasi meet up lang kasi nga I don't date pag hindi ako sigurado. Nasa waiting list pa kasi sya. Aba, ikaw na ang jumowa ng vegetarian, hindi ko ata kaya mabuhay sa kangkong at tokwa, ano ka! Saka mahilig umakyat ng kabundukan. Esmyusmee - city boy ako hindi ako pambundok. Pandagat din ako, pero sa baybay lang. Hindi ako marunong lumangoy. Ay teka, napalayo. Basta madami pang ibang levels of incompatibility. Pero sige, again in the spirit of international cooperation, I accepted the invitation.

So we'll have dinner lang daw sa city. Then we'll go back to his place in the country. Wash up. Hindi ko maintindihan bakit kailangan namin mag-wash up. Haha. Virgin!!! Then go clubbing again in the city. Panalo, may date ako sa club. Hindi ko lang alam kung tama ba yun. Paano kaya sumayaw to? Hindi naman daw sya mahilig magclubbing pero dahil alam nya yun gusto ko dun na lang daw. May ganun? Parang bayani lang. Ewan. Basta ang alam ko, may escort na nga ako. Huuwaat!? Kulang na lang eh ang arko eh tatakbo na ang sagala.At dahil dun, sinukat ko ang barong na bitbit ko pa galing Maynila kasi special buko pie ito - unang date sa Amerika kaya ako ay nakabarong. Bow.

So sa tingin nyo, tama ba na makipag-date na 'ko?

Hindi pa yata ako ready. Haha. Yun na.

Tristan Farts

Sandali lang, kelangan ko lang umutot. Balik Taglish ulit ang Tristan Tales. Mahirap umutot in English. Fart na kasi yun pero pag sosyal ka naman kagaya ko, I would need pass gas. Passing gas might work pero gusto ko utot lang. O sya. Game.

Ganito kasi yun. I was quietly working in my own little corner of the universe, listening to my ipod, nang biglang tumugtog ang makapabagbag-damdaming "One Last Cry" ni Justin Timberlake. Nakinig ako. Nagmoment. Tumingin sa malayo. Umayos ng upo. I took a sip of coffee. Malapit na sana akong maiyak kung hindi lang ako napaisip. Nagtaka ako ng konti. Pinalitan ko ang song. "I Wish You Love" naman from the movie, Prime. Sinimulan kong muli ang pagdadrama. Nalungkot ako. Pumikit-pikit. Bigla akong natauhan at nagtanong - sino nga pala ang ineemote ko? Then it hit me, wala na... tapos na ang phases ko - ang phases of denial, anger, denial, anger (repeat two hundred million times!). I am at THAT level na, after six long months of pain, suffering and drama, wala na akong pakialam. Haha.

Pero napaisip ulit ako, para san pa ang mabuhay kung hindi ka na bitterness is next to horny-ness? This does not make sense. I see no point. I will just kill myself now. Goodbye cruel world. Sabay tarak ng patalim sa hinayupak na katabi ko. Haha. Todo na ito. But wait, there's more. Habang nagpo-pointless emo-emohan ako, may nagpop out sa mahiwagang YM ko. Galing sa kanya - isa sa mga naka chuk chak chenes ko dito - si Married Guy. Kakaloka ang lolo nyo. Humihingi ng repeat performance. Naman. Kelangan ko na muna magsuklay. Hindi kinakaya ng mahina kong pangangatawan ang kagandahan ko. Ganun ba ako kasarap? Pakibaba ang kilay ng mga baklang nagmamaganda. Kaya nyo yan?

Pero sandali, pointless pa din ang post na to. Wala na... tapos na. Nalulungkot na ko. Ano pa ang meaning ng "At first I was afraid I was petrified"? Paano na ako tatakbo ng mabilis nito kung wala na akong angst? Paano na ako magpa-payat kung hindi na ko abs bitter pill? Ganito pala ang feeling. Ganito nga pala ang pakiramdam. Naalala ko tuloy nung nagsara nang tuluyan ang puso ko sa ex kong pinakamamahal ng bonggang bongga - natapos na lang basta, period. We never became friends. We were just people who used to love each other, ay! Pero take note, hanggang ngayon, sure ako, ako pa din ang record-holder sa buhay nya. Ganun ako kaganda.

Speaking of friends, pakiexplain nga sa kin kung paano magwowork na maging friends kayo ng taong nanakit sa yo? Hindi naman ata logically possible ito. I'm sure pag may ganun arrangement, may umaasa pa. Sino kokontra? Sa totoo lang, never pa ata kami naging friends ng mga dakilang exes ko. Hindi talaga magwowork. Naalala ko sa isa sa mga posts ng dakilang THE McVie sinabi nya, "If you can't be my boyfriend, I can't be your friend..." or something like that. For sometime, lumevel yan sa prayers. Naging mantra ko sa buhay. Ibalik natin ulit. Simple pero practical talaga.

Ay wait, sandali. Masakit na ang ulo ko sa dami ng kapeng nainom. By the way, highway, hindi pala libre ang kape dito kaya I limit my coffee intake to two large tumblers na lang - isa sa umaga, isa sa hapon. Mahal din ah! Pero, teka mabalik ako,now ang realizations ko - I need a hero... sabi nga nila. I need someone to inspire me. Hindi ko kailangan ng boyfriend. Ayoko nun, masakit sa ulo din yun - magkakape na lang ako. Dahil kahit pala inspirational diva ang lolo nyo, kelangan ko din pala ng sarili kong inspirational diva. Lalo pa ngayon, natatakot na akong maging straight. Ayoko pakasal, magastos. Hindi ako mahilig magcommit, mahirap ang pangmatagalan. Hindi ko gusto ng may ati cu pung singsing. Busy ako. Sino kaya ang pwede? I need a-ultimate inspiration.

I Have a Problem

I have a problem. This has been going on for weeks now. Secretly, I have been hiding this. It is just now that I have actually accepted it. I am now brave enough to admit that I have a problem. I need help.

It started quite innocently, a little peek was all it took. But I have been hooked ever since. And to think it has been years since that fateful day... I can still remember how it felt. It used to make me cringe. I was young and carefree. I was experimental. But now, it's back - the same old feeling I used to have. I am so scared.

Straight porn turns me on again. And no, I am not the girl.

Shit.

Beyond the Usual

It was almost nine when I responded to your message. You told me you were bored and wanted to hang out. I was sure you were just horny. You laughed. You told me you'd confirm if you'd be able to make it that night. I hung up. With you knowing, I had decided to take a quick shower... just in case. My phone rang while I was till in the shower. I turned off the water and answered the phone. I could not really understand everything that you were trying to say, all I knew was, you were now unsure if you'd ever make it that night.

"Hey man, I did not realize I had an early morning... blah blah...", you said on the other line.

"It's okay. No worries.", I casually replied.

"But if you're available tomorrow night... blah blah..."

"Nah, let's not even get there. I don't know my schedule tomorrow night.", I brushed him aside.

"Uhmmm is that so?", you asked.

"If you can't make it tonight, it's fine. Bye now.", I ended the conversation.

"Hey Tristan. I'll be there in 10 minutes.", you finally made up your mind.

"Ha!.", I whispered.

You were late but when I opened the door, I forgave you. Before me was someone who looked like his picture, only better - he was around 5'9, lean built, bespectacled guy in his early thirties. You had deep set eyes, and a chiselled nose. You looked good but there was something off about you - oh yeah, you came off square. You don't smoke, rarely drink, does not enjoy clubbing, does not dance, a vegetarian, and loves the outdoors. Your jokes were also amiss but seeing you make a fool of yourself made me laugh anyway. You told me you were an IT guy working for the federal government.

"So Tristan, what exactly are you looking for online?", you asked.

"Just need to get laid.", I replied.

You looked surprised.

"How about you?", I asked.

"Well, I was just bored at home...", you responded.

I rolled my eyes.

"Oh come on...", I bullied you into admitting that you were online for the same reasons.

"Seriously...", you replied.

"It's hard to date in DC Tristan... I dated several guys and they all just wanted one thing... sex.", you explained.

"Look buddy, I'm really not interested in something beyond a one-night-er... I think it's better to be clear about this from the get go, okay?", I explained.

"Really?" Why so?", you asked.

"Not yet ready for something serious....", I explained.

You seemed to understand.

"Some guys they'd tell me one thing and then all they want is to bed me - thanks for being honest", you said.

I laughed. He seemed like a good guy so I confessed.

"People will tell you everything you need to hear to bed you. Trust me, I know my game.", I explained.

"... and yes, I'd still want to bed you.", I continued.

You laughed. I resigned myself to the fact that all you were really looking for was someone who could keep you less bored. Sex was not the table. And so I stopped flirting. I offered beer but you declined. After a couple of hours, I was ready to call it a night with you. I was a little disappointed but, I must admit, I had fun talking with you.

"So Tristan... you want to lie down in bed?", you asked.

I was surprised. Apparently, my new boy toy was open to sex but he wanted this with brains on the side. Before the clock hit midnight, we were in bed. And, much to my liking, he had a very big surprise waiting for me.

Too Late

I was checking my phone for messages when I stumbled upon a few messages from someone I had almost forgotten and it said:

"Hoy kumag, paramdam ka naman..."

"Oist kumag, musta na?"

"BUZZ"

"Kumag... miss na kita."

It was from Kumag, my twenty year-old boytoy back home. I remember when we first met - it was in one of the chatrooms on IRC almost two years ago. He was just eighteen then. We started talking online and later, we spoke on the phone. We then decided to exchange numbers and thereafter planned to meet. He had, of course, seen my online pic and I had seen him on cam. It somehow worked so we decided to finally meet up a few days later.

Needless to say, Kumag and I hit it off on various levels. He and I had the same taste in music and would download all the latest hits on my laptop. He became my official "limewire" boy. I would often find myself laughing whenever he would come and visit. Kumag and I never went out on a formal date - he preferred to stay at my place and mess my house instead. There were several sleepovers at my place but we'd never really sleep - kwentuhan lang. Virgin! After several months, Kumag and I developed something beyond being FBs but we never actually discussed it. He had just come out of a bad break up and it was not wise for either of us to consider something beyond sex. And speaking of sex, it was good. So by virtue of his excellence, he retained his FB status.

One day, Kumag woke up feeling experimental. He sent me a message asking if I knew someone who would be interested in a threesome. Of course, I would be there with another guy. He would prefer to do it with someone who was not one of my usual FBs. I have never really been a fan of groupies but, somehow the thought of Kumag and I with one of my FBs excited me. I had to choose wisely. I was afraid to lose two FBs in one go. It has happened before and I refuse for that to happen again. Besides, Kumag is a catch - he's got the goods and he delivers every single time. I needed to find a worthy third wheel, for him and for me and my sanity.

The third wheel was another FB who lived near Kumag's place. This guy is rich - ultra rich and he's crazy about me, in bed, at least. More importantly, he always turns me on. So one fine day, I set the party. The plan was for rich guy to pick up Kumag from his place and drive all the way to my apartment for the deed. After which, they were both expected to leave my place and we'll all get along so much that we would schedule occasional rendezvous. Unfortunately, Kumag and the new guy did not hit it off as planned. Kumag became ultra silent and insecure the whole night while rich guy was his usual self, arrogant and amazingly horny. To cut the long story short, even if there was sex, I knew Kumag was not himself that night. He never told me why until a few days before I left.

Kumag finally admitted that he got jealous of the other guy. He thought that rich guy and I were actually a couple and he was the third wheel. While it may be true that rich guy and I almost had something as well, it never materialized between us. Rich guy was just an asshole (or was it me) and I could not really see myself suffering with him for a long time. Apparently, Kumag found it hard to see me again after that. Hindi daw pala nya kaya ang threesome. I was just too surprised to hear what he said. I never saw that one coming. I felt sad for Kumag but I knew that I had already lost him. He must have been really hurt.

We never really got to talk the same way again. I saw him in Malate once but he said he was not yet ready to hang out again. Nasasaktan pa daw sya. I respected his decision to remain silent once more... until today. His last message to me today, read:

"Kumag, sana naging tayo. Mahal pala kita."

So what now?

Isang Taon ni Tristan Tan (Last)

Naubos na ang sugar sa katawan ko the last three posts so this post is designed to be a little more tamed than the first three. Ito na ang katapusan ng one year extravaganza ko the last few days. This is it. This is really is it.

Sa totoo lang, noong nagsimula ako, hindi ko akalain na madaming magbabasa sa sinusulat ko. Hindi ko nga alam na madami pala na magkakaroon ng interest sa buhay ko. Pero dahil nagsimula akong magsulat ng kapokpokan ko sa buhay, madami palang manyak online. At dahil sa inyo, dumami ang hits ko. Ibang level na ito. Pero lahat ng ito ay planado. Alam kong sisikat ako dahil I was born to shine. LOL.

But seriously, I have always considerd my life as plain based on my personal standards. Hindi sya as controversial Kris Aquino's life. Walang masyadong drama - no need for nasty wedding cancellations, emotional coming out scenes with friends and family. Walang ganun. Ang medyo pang telenovela lang sa buhay ko eh ang lovelife ko. Kaya naman siguro, doon ako nagfocus. Todo bigay, walang kyeme.

But in the recent years, I have come to realize, based on how other people reacted to my stories, that I actually live a very exciting life pala. I have never been the type of person kasi who bases his happiness on what other people have in their lives. Sa kin kasi, I strive to do everything for my own happiness. Hindi kasi ako natural na inggitero. I do things that I like doing not because other people do the same things. Although, I must admit, napabili ako ni Frankie (anak ni Ate Shawie) ng chicken McDo when I first watched her commercial. Nabebentahan ako ng commercial pero I think that's the extent that I do want what other people have. Anyway, dahil exciting pala ang buhay ko, magsusulat pa ako. Abangan nyo.

Pero bago yun, kwento ko muna. Magmomoment muna ako. Alam nyo kasi, every night, before I go to sleep, I pray to the heavens for peace of mind; for happiness; for contentment. And sometimes, I also include a P.S. - na kung pwede lang, kung hindi naman sobrang abuso na, baka pwede Nyang madagdagan ng true love and happily ever after ang package ko. I am now at the point in my life that I do wish for something more real, more concrete, more long-term. Pero hindi naman ako magrereklamo kung hindi dumating - hindi masyado. I may have already resigned myself to the fact that some people might not be built for love. Isa na siguro ako sa kanila. But there's no harm in trying, di ba?

And speaking of love pala, sa dalawang taong minahal ko noong nakaraan taon, sinubukan kong magsimula ulit. Sinubukan kong ipakita kung sino at kung ano at kaya kong ibigay. Sinubukan kong magbago. Sinubukan. Pero sadya yatang nakakatawa ang destiny ko - instead na bigyan ako ng true love na may happily ever after, ibinigay sa kanila pero para sa iba. Kakaloka ka destiny! Makikitawa na nga lang ako. Pero dahil fair si Lord, binigyan naman ako ng magandang trabaho, pagkakataon makaalis ng bansa at makakilala ng mas madami pang iba. Thank you na din po na lang ang kaya kong isagot. Hindi naman ako mahirap i-please.

And now, moving forward, I have come to realize that there's no sense in holding on. Ginawa ko na lahat ng kaya kong magawa para maging masaya sa aspetong yun. I think I have done all that I could with those two - some relationships are just meant to end; some are just not meant to happen, period. So ngayon, I am now looking into the future (parang manghuhula lang) and let these people be. I guess this is the mature way of dealing with love. If you love them, let them go and trust me, they will never come back. Tapos na talaga yun. Gising na (sabi ko nga kay Doc Mike Pogi, wake up baby!). Pero sana lang talaga maging ultra super duper mega long ang maturity ko. Pagdadasal ko.

Isang malalim na buntong hininga muna. Sabay tayo, inhale... exhale. Kasabay din nito ang isang matinding panalangin na sana, mas maging mabait sa kin ang langit at padalhan ako ng poging boyfriend na jock na between 25 and 30, may matinong trabaho, walang girlfriend o boyfriend, hindi ikakasal at walang hang ups sa buhay na mamahalin ako ng bonggang bongga. Sana din po top na malaki titi at may bayag. Hindi naman ako specific di ba?

At sa wish na yan magtatapos ang Year 1 ng Tristan Tales.

Mula sa akin, para sa inyo, isang malaking thank you mga bakla!!! At para sa kin, isa naman malaking GOODLUCK! Sabay sabay tayo... GOODLUCK TRISTAN TAN!

Tomorrow, I'm back to regular programming. Yun na.

Isang Taon ni Tristan Tan (3)

After a few hours of sleep, gising na gising na ulit ako. Grabeng anniversary effort na talaga ito. PERO pansin ko lang, no comment kayo lahat ha - basa naman kayo ng basa. Ano ba!?! Anyway highway, just when you think that the best is over (o take note, best ah, hindi good enough - che!), hindi pa. Eto na sya. Usapang crush naman. Game na!

Dahil talandi talaga akong tunay at sadyang mapagmahal, mahilig ako mainlove. Pero syempre hindi naman love yun. Pretending lang, parang mga bakla lang, pretending. Anyway, crush crush lang naman. Sabi nga "it's just a little crush..." Ayan kumakanta na naman ako eh ka-aga-aga. Hikab. So dahil attraction-related ang third part ng post na to, ilalabas ko na ang listahan ng mga taong minahal/pinagnasaaan ko online. Hindi nila alam na mahal/binastos ko sila for a while. Ako din, hindi ko alam. Pag wala ka sa listahan, wag magtampo. Pwede ka pang humabol.

My first online crush was Chronicles of E. I remember having a crush on him before we met. Sounds family? Well my dear readers, historical ito. At hindi nya alam. Now he knows. LOL. In fairness to E, because his blog topics are quite sensitive, he is a total mystery. Eh mahilig ako sa mga mysterious-type. Sakit sa ulo ng blog nito - I had to chart his family tree mula kay cousin, kay mom and dad at sa kumare ng pinsan ng tyahin nya. Para pag nag-meet the family ako eh close agad. But seriously, I liked his writing style - totoo - talaga naman po na nararamdaman mo lahat ng emotions dahil sagad na sagad pati itlog. Kinakabog ang drama ng madaming tao sa tabi tabi na good enough lang. Che. Take note, si E noon eh dila lang ang banner. Hindi pa nya dila yun. I had a crush on a tongue for the longest time. Dila pa lang, emo na! That was until we met, napa-IN FAIRNESS talaga ako ng bonggang bongga. Napasayaw tuloy ako sa Bed ng walang pakundangan. Pero hanggang dun lang yun. Tama na baka kiligin pa ko. LOL.

Kinaya din ng powers ko ang sillouhette affairs. Madaming ganyan online - I had a crush on the late Mugen-blue in the dark, before he saw me cry. Imagine, pa-mysterious effect ang lolo nyo. Pero dahil wala na sya online dahil sa sarili nyang lovelife reasons, eh hindi na nya malalaman na minsan, isang panahon, kinabog nya ang mundo ko. Mare, kung nababasa mo ito, marunong ka pa din magbasa. Ang galing mo. Balik ka na. Tsup. Ay teka, alam nyo ba na ang ganda din ng boses nito. Di ba, di ba ___________? LOL.

Minahal ko din ang pwet ni Cliche Closet only to later find out that he was just all that. In fairness talaga, ayoko nang pag-usapan. Sumalangit nawa. At speaking of likods, sino ba naman ang makakamiss ng napakagandang likod ng isang Lukayo. Sumalangit nawa din. Napa-OMG talaga ako nang makita ko ang likod nya sa Bora. Hindi ko naman sya binabasa dati kaso dahil talagang lumelevel sa ka-showbizan ang buhay nila nun ng Ulan, hindi ko napigilan na maging chismoso at makibasa. At nung humarap, nag-rosaryo talaga ako. Kelan kaya to magpapakita sa kin? Psst, pogi... LOL.

May mga tao na ayaw patawag ng pogi at gwapo. Eto naman si Jaycee, ang trip eh CUTE lang daw sya. Eh in fairness, pasok sa banga - gwapo. Nakilala ko to before I even read his blog. At eto, ngayon ko lang aaminin ah, he took my breath away. Naks. Ang gwapong bata, in fairness. Eh dahil mahilig ako sa pogi, ayun crush agad. Sya lang ata ang hindi ko nakuha ang number bago matapos ang gabi. Hindi ko kinaya, na-chicken ako. Anyway, dahil matalinong bata, marunong magkusa. We eventually hung out. And take note, happy na kong tingnan lang sya. Bait pa, may paka-manyak nga lang. Nung nakita ko pala ang blog nya, may mukha... pero mata lang at tenga... saka tyan - may tyan parang bangus lang. Labyu Apple.

Minahal ko din ang legs ni Back in the Closet. Mare, legs lang ah. Napatibok din ng kili-kili ni Popoy; ng braso ng Corporate Closet; ng bonggang bonggang katawan ni Boy Du Jour, ipin ni Doc Mike Pogi; didbib ng Rude Boy; at ni DATS (yun na) ang puso ko.

At para mas lalong maging controversial ang blog post na ito. May aaminin ako - for some time, I had the greatest crush on Maxwell's one by one full body with matching talikod, body pic. Naunahan lang ako ng balikat ni Jay Vee. Pinangalanan ko daw ba talaga. Kaya nyo?

Kaya, HINDI BAGO SA KIN MAIN-LABABO SA BODY PART. So the a-ultimate lesson learned ko last year eh:

"Bawal nang mainlove sa body part."

Pero mga friends, family and countrymen, may exception. Pwedeng mainlove sa BAYAG. I am allowing myself to fall in love with balls, dahil that, even by itself, is already admirable. Kasi kahit na super duper, best, a-ultimate, at perfect ka pa (at hindi lang good enough) at kumpleto ang body part tapos wala ka naman bayag eh hindi ka talaga lalake. At kung hindi ka lalake, hindi ka bakla. Yun na.

Isang Taon ni Tristan Tan (2)

I have a few minutes to spare in between rounds so let me continue my anniversary post. Tulog na eh. LOL. Don't worry, what happened tonight would be shared (ala sharing in the city) in the coming days na lang - tatapusin ko muna ang post na to ha?

So where was I? Oh, tapos na ang sex evaluation. I read the post again kanina over coffee and natawa ako. Ibang iba sya sa normal posts ko. Pagpasensyahan nyo na lang - mataas kasi ang sugar intake ko kanina kaya medyo hyper pati writing style. I have mellowed down a little after *giggles*. Yun na. Importante din naman kasi na medyo magmoment ng konti dahil this part will talk about the state of my affairs the last year. Love life naman. Ready?

Panalong panalo ang mga winning and losing moments ko last year. Nandoon na napakanta ako ng "may sekreto akong, aaminin sa yo..." na nagtapos sa "muntik na kitang minahal... kung hindi lang sana nagkwento ka ng sexcapades mo sa gym.". May ganun, promise. Napakanta din ako ng, "akin ka na lang (akin ka na lang) iingatan ko ang puso mo... akin ka na lang...". Winner, I swear. Both times, ang ending eh "at first I was afraid, I was petrified!" with matching liftings pa ni Ate V. So the bottomline (bottom-line???) is single ako - single pa din ako.

Teka teka, napapaluhod na naman ako at malapit ko nang gayahin si Ronan na magdasal everyday ng "Lord, give me a lover!". Pero hindi ko pa kayang gawin yun, busy pa talaga ako. Ang kailangan ko lang eh simpleng dasal katulad ng "Lord, give me a driver, a gardener, an officer (and a gentleman), a waiter, a construction worker, a varsity player, and other -ers na what have you." Anything or anyone else pero wag muna lover. Hindi ko pa kaya. Busy pa talaga ako. May agreement naman kasi kami ng langit na pag na-grant na nya ang prayers ko, magdadasal pa din naman ako. Ang siste, "Bless us oh Lord for these thy gifts which we are about to receive..." ang dasal. Prayerful po talaga ko.

But seriously speaking, madami pa talaga akong priorities in life these days - there are so many things that I still need to take care of to make me superficially happy, i.e. cars, clothes, shoes, bags, travel, and the likes. So saka ko na iisipin ang intangible level of happiness brought about by love. Love is all around us naman daw sabi nila so hindi yan mauubos. Practical na lang muna, why should I even bother with things that can only make me sad, eventually? Besides, looking back nakakapagod din kasi ang may ka-moment ka every single night - yun bang maymagtatanong ng, "kumain ka na?". Utang na loob - ang tao pag gutom, kumakain. Pag hindi gutom, hindi kumakain. Hindi kailangan tanungin. Hindi din cute ang tanong na "ano gawa mo now?". Naman. Shempre, don't get me started with "aylabyu" and "aymisyu" and "aywannahabyorbeybies". Teka, bitter yata ang tunog ko. Do I sound bitter? Of course, I am. Bitter is the new happy.

But please lang po, don't get me wrong, happy naman ako noong lumalandi ako last year. The times that I spent with both of them - itago na lang natin sa pangalan na Joaqui and Jay Vee... (ay parehong J?) were the real romantic highlights of my year. In fairness naman sa kanila. May mga konting sumingit in between, bloggers and non-bloggers alike, pero konting kilig lang sila. Hindi talaga ako tinamaan ng todo, sorry po, sorry po. Masarap pa din kayo, don't worry. Everybody was a different ride. Pang-EK nga lang ang level nung dalawa. Yung iba naman pamperya lang. LOL. But just like all rides, everything had to end. Natapos ang saya, pinalitan ng drama.

Kung tatanungin ako kung may regrets ako sa kanila, ang showbiz answer eh wala. Kasi di ba, "I would not be who I am now if they did not come into my life." Naks! Pero dahil nagpapakatotoo lang ako, may konting pagsisisi talaga. Your honor, I plead temporary insanity. Pero beyond insanity, I was largely guilty of drama. Madrama lang po ako, madrama din sila so there you go. What complicated our lives pa, I guess, is the fact na showbiz ako. Showbiz ako, given na yun. Take it or leave it na lang. Ayun tuloy, leave it ang nangyari.

Normally, a-ultimate failed relationship with a blogger can lead to nasty blog posts or emo emohan mode forever. May mga tao pa nga na ang drama eh magleave o kaya magstart over ng magstart over. Meron naman ang drama eh magsulat ng cryptic posts talking about inanimate objects just to hide the fact that one is hurting or is unsure of something. Guilty ako dyan. I remember writing in dream-format, yun siguro. Parang Joseph the dreamer lang ang drama ko nun buti nga hindi ako nabuntis - immaculate conception? Meron naman na pati kitchen appliances, pinagdidiskitahan. Hindi ako yun, promise. Meron din kinakausap ang iba't ibang personality nila. Katakot. Ako change lang ng change ang nasa script ko. Tama na yun, change is good nga daw, sabi nila.

So to summarize, simple lang ang lesson learned ko on online romance:

"Bawal mainlove sa blogger".

Masakit sa ulo, magtiwala ka. Magastos din. Wag na natin pag-usapan ang BRP - Bora Recovery Package - phase ko sa dalawang yun. Magastos talaga mag-move on, mind you. Ayoko na maalala. Tama na.

O sya, hanggang dito na muna, nahihilo na ko. Abangan nyo na lang ang susunod na kwento dahil hindi pa tapos ang baklang post na ito. I am just warming up. Yun na.

Isang Taon ni Tristan Tan (1)

Isang taon na mula nung una akong nagsulat dito. Ambilis sobra. At kagaya ng marami, ang nasasabi ko na lang pag naiisip ko kung paano ako nagsimula eh, "parang kailan lang...". Napapakanta nga ako, mind you: "parang kailan lang (hikbi)... ang mga pangarap ko'y kahirap abutinn (hikbi)... dahil sa inyo... " Punyeta, sandali. Let's wait a minute, saka na ang videoke session, magsusulat pa ko. Hindi ko pa kayang tapusin ang post na to ngayon ha, lilipad pa kasi ako sa city at kelangan kong magpakita sa madaming tao tonight. I will party na talaga - game na game na ito. So by parts lang ha, besides, August 7 pa lang dito.

Yes, you are reading Tristan Tales in Taglish. Minsan lang to. Para maging totoo lang. Parang nagchichismisan lang tayo sa Starbeks, umiinom sa Silya o kaya naman eh making tusok tusok the fishballs sa corner, pero ikaw lang ha. I don't do masa. I am Tristan, esmyusmee.

Teka muna, mabalik lang ako sa moments ko in time. In fairness to everything that happened to me last year, bonggang bongga ang mga highlights and lowlights ko. I think that last year has got to be the longest year of my life so far. Maraming masyadong nangyari at super exciting ng taon. Panalo talaga sa moments and life lessons. And yes, Jay Vee, humanda ka... kasali ka sa listahan na ito. Uy kinakabahan... LOL. Ikaw din Joaqui, kala mo lusot ka na? Insert evil laughter here. Blog ko to, anniversary ko pa. Humanda kayo! Hmpf with matching talikod and tapon ng dolyares behind my back. Pero teka lang ha, mamaya pa kayo, wag excited.

Anyway, highway, skyway - napansin ko na ang dami ko palang naisulat last year - three hundred twenty ata. Full time job na talaga ito! Parang isang report lang na may tatlong volumes. May bumili kaya kung ipublish ko? I won't even go to the specifics ha, dahil effort na talaga yun. Instead, I will make hasty generalizations on certain things (and people) that makes all of you keep on coming back to www.tristantales.com. Game na?

Unang una, masarap at masayang makipagsex sa hindi kakilala - pwede na din sa kakilala. Masarap makipagsex, period. Madami sa mga experiences ko last year eh you guys were able to read on this site. Mas madami dun, hindi nyo nabasa. Mamatay na sa inggit ang kumokontra at nagdududa sa listahan ko. Isa kayong malaking che! Meron naman dun, feeling nyo may nangyari pero wala talaga - MALISYOSO LANG TALAGA KAYO.

In case you have not yet figured it out by now, malandi ako PERO, isang pagkalaki laking PERO, hindi lahat ng nilalandi ko eh nakikipagsex sa kin at lalong lalo na, hindi din naman ako basta basta nakikipagchukchakan sa kanila. Busy ako no! Sometimes, I just enjoy the chase and sometimes, the chase is enough. So next time, when you read me, wag mag-assume agad okay?Lesson learned na yun by itself, di ba? Pero the a-ultimate lesson learned talaga sa SEB, EB na may S, GSEB, ORGY, at sa FBs experiences ko in the last year, in general, eh simple lang: "Bawal mainlove sa FB." Now, repeat after me: ""Bawal mainlove sa FB."

May tama naman talaga umamin kayo! Madami akong nakitang mga bakla (wag nang magpretend na straight curious, bi curious, straight tripper - teka magsusuka lang ako, o kung ano ka pa man, bakla ka pa din), na nain-love sa nakasex, sa naka EB, sa naka SEB, sa FB. Utang na loob! There is no connection between first time (or second time or third) good sex and love. Good sex is just good sex. Love is something else pero mamaya pa yun discussion dun. Remember, hindi por que niluhuran ka ng bonggang bongga eh true love na. Hindi rin por que nadulas ang lolo mo at nag-i love you sa kama eh mag-a-i-love you too ka naman. Sira ka ba? Wag uto uto mga kapatid. Guys, especially, guys like me, will tell you everything you need to hear to get you to bed. There are bad boys everywhere, magtiwala ka.

To be continued na muna mga kapatid, kelangan ko nang maligo at magpagwapo. Madami pang countries ang wala sa listahan ko at may lakad (actually sakay sa bus, train and then car ng kung sino man) pa ko tonight. I have a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night. At dahil dyan, alam nyo na ang soundtrack ko.

OMFG!!!

I liked the pink in the test so I did it and answered each every question as truthfully and tristanly possible. Thanks to McVie and Aris for posting ahead - age before beauty, I guess. Labyu!

I checked the result at isang bonggang bonggang OMFG din ang naisigaw ko!

No further comment, your honor.

Isang Taon ni Tristan Tan

And the theme song:

The Decision

Here's the thing - I am sorry.

Just to make it clear - never will I commit suicide. And even if I was considering the real thing, I will never blog about it. Geez, that would be tantamount to saying "please stop me." and THAT would be way pathetic. I was just thinking of closing down Tristan Tales... please stop me? LOL.

When I first started blogging, I just wanted a place where I could be real and share my stories. I never expected that this blog would occupy a large part of my life. It is addicting and it has allowed me to live in a parallel universe without leaving my desk. But, in the last few days, I had questioned the reason for Tristan Tales' existence. No, this is not about you (me sings, "you're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you... you're so vain!!"), it's about something else. So I planned on blogicide.

But then I received several emails, notes, messages from some of you that really warmed my heart. I never realized that I was that uhmmm... inspirational (move over Jaime Rivera!). I also learned that for some, reading this site, has become a therapy of sorts. It seems that they see my life as an online soap opera that they can sometimes relate to and, occasionally, take lessons from. Quite oddly, and this I say with caution, some even base their happiness on how miserable I turn out to be. Note to self: make these people suffer by being extremely happy, successful and fucked up (in a very good way). A few handful have just made a habit of visiting every so often, okay okay, daily to check on me - they're mostly my friends. Needless to say, I never realized that this small space in the online universe can hold so much purpose after all.

So I am keeping it.

... and I am sure my one hundred and six public followers would prefer that I keep it that way.

Thanks again guys.

Love lots, T

Heartless

He looked at me. I looked back.
He smiled. I smiled back.
He asked me for a name. I replied.
He extended his hand. I met his.

I asked him where he was from. He replied.
I asked his game. He simply smiled.
I asked what that meant. He explained.
I asked where. He led me to it.

He tried to kiss me. I resisted.
He took my hand. I let him.
He unbuttoned my shirt. I felt cold.
He unzipped my pants. I closed my eyes.

I touched his body. He loved it.
I pulled him up. He tried to kiss, yet again.
I looked at him. He winked.
I looked away. He pulled me close.

I closed the door. I walked home.
I faked a smile. I am now convinced.

I have indeed changed. Or have I?

I am, once again, heartless.

Another One

"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen."

I Just Might

I have thought of suicide, several times over, in fact
But I repeatedly refused the easy way out
I have also thought of murder, once
But I guess, back then, was too scared to take that route

I have long planned a vacation too
But it never really pushed through
I had also wanted a break from all of this
But I was never really that strong with you; always amiss.

I had wished many things, over and over
But none of them ever came true - especially a lover

I have been working hard for something real
But I never got there... so what's new? What's the big deal?

I have loved, lost and loved again
But they say I need to keep on trying
I have tried, failed and tried again
But I am back at where I started; I'm so not lying

And now, I am thinking of suicide again
Or murder - the easy way out, much like then
But I guess I'll need to now sleep this over
Before I click delete and kill Tristan's Tales... poof, forever

Numbing Tristan

One of my dearest friends recently got married and I was there. Seriously, I was expecting her to cry as early as the bridal march but she did not shed a single tear. I was impressed that she never cried that day - to think she's the ultimate cry baby. So I asked (or wait, did she volunteer the information?), how she was able to hold herself together.

"I listened to the (bridal) song over and over again... para masanay na ko."

And now it makes sense. It seems that it was the perfect way to numb oneself - slow repeated torture. Perfect.

To start with, I'll start with this one - I have been avoiding this song for the longest time. But, I guess, I am much stronger now.




I intend to listen to this until it makes me so weak; until I recover; until I can't feel the pain anymore; until I stop cringing every single time I see their names; until I simply just don't care; until I gain full control of my life again.

Kaya to!

Change is Here

I am taking my life back.

It has been some time ago since I lost it and I am ready to get it back, seriously. As I was lunching by myself for the nth time since I moved here, I felt a little sad. Never have I felt so alone in my entire life. Ugh. Over my six-inch sub and iced tea, I resolved to change this. I refuse to be this person any longer.

Contrary to what many may think, the move here has not been very easy. I thought it would but, I found out, too late, that it was not. There's a different world out here and I have had enough of what I have been through the last two months. I am ready to change the norm. I refuse to be eaten alive by the "me, myself and I" culture in this god-forsaken place. I am a social butterfly and I have had it with life in a cocoon.

I will begin by smiling more; laughing often and initiating small talks, with the hope of gaining new friends. I will ask people out to lunches, dinners and coffee. I will stop visiting social networking sites and living dot com. My dot com persona will only be just a small part of who I am and nobody who reads me will be able to fully get to know who the real Tristan has become. I will go clubbing again - oh God help me to survive the first hour by myself. I will dance like there's no tomorrow and get reasonably drunk, for old time's sake.

I will love again but, this time, I will not look for love in the wrong places. I will choose someone good - someone who is worthy. I will prioritize those ball-sy few who will choose me over everyone else. I will open myself up to all possibilities - race, religion, and even sexual preference. I will force myself to let go, even if it means I have to be hostile. It is for my well-being, for my happiness. I will be selfish once more. Gone are the days when I am just the alternative. I will be the only choice for him (or her, OMFG!) who is also looking for something more real; something beyond sex and lovely conversations. There will be magic.

I will fulfill my personal goal to finally go international and expand my checklist. I will buy a map and push pins to mark my conquests. I will fool around more and not be afraid of what people have to say. I am old enough to live my life according to what I want. I will stop living for others. I have gone this far and I am not turning back. I will take my life back, starting today.

And finally, I will believe everything I said, at all cost. And maybe, just maybe, I would not have to eat another lunch alone.

Living Carrie

Every night at ten, I would often find myself watching reruns of Sex and the City on TV. This actually keeps me very well entertained before bed. Yes, my life is pretty plain now. Ugh. Anyway, the other day, they showed the episode where Big and Carrie split up for the nth time - I think this was the big split and there were very few words spoken. It was just Carrie, talking in her head, yet again.

As I was watching the last few minutes of the episode, I suddenly recognized the scene. I was able to relate to what she was going through - and that was when I realized that I was watching my life on screen as Carrie. For the longest time, I have always lived a Samantha life but, really, a large part of me is a Carrie after all- a crazy person who still believes in happy endings. As Carrie was saying her lines, I can't help but wonder, am I really a Carrie and he, oh good Lord, is my Mr. Big?

Carrie's lines almost killed me. I found myself gasping for air by the end of the show.

"Did I ever really love Big or was I addicted to the pain - the exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable?"

"I wanted to go to him but I felt like I was tied to the chair. Some part of me was holding me back knowing I have gone too far, reached my limit."

I know Big and Carrie eventually ended up together and this gives me hope. Again, I am doing a Carrie, see? But did they really live happily ever after? This, I'd still want to know.

Tita Cory

I was six then and she was all over the place. They say she wore yellow a lot but I never really noticed; our TV was black and white. She was one of those people other people talk about (a lot) but I was six then and I never really cared. But they say she was the President.

I may not have learned to appreciate her presidency until long after it was gone but I know she survived it. And I know, she did well - or that's what they wanted me to believe in grad school. But she was my President and I loved her, regardless. I even love her kids err.. I love Kris.

I met FVR once. Shook ERAP's hands once. Threw up at the sight of GMA several times over. But I never got to meet Cory. I once saw Kris in Discovery Shores while I was frolicking in Boracay. I even panicked when Josh came running towards me. I ogled at Baby James and even wondered how much yaya was getting paid. That was how close I came to meeting Cory, by association. But still, she was my President.

Miles away, I also feel the loss of a great leader. And as crazy as this may sound, this has made me cry. Looking back, I realize that even back then, even when I was still six, I had already voted for her. She was my President.

Tita Cory, you will be missed. May your soul rest in peace.