No More Lies

"Hindi ka pa nagreach out?", tanong ng kaibigan ko.

"Hindi. Bakit ko naman gagawin yun?", mayabang na sagot ko.

But, I lied. I thought I can make myself believe (that planet earth turns slowly...) but, sadly, I feel that all the self-inflicted drama has finally taken its toll on me. Mga ilang araw ko na din napapansin na sa tuwing lolokohin ko ang sarili ko - pag sinasabi ko na okay na ko - hindi ako makahinga. Well, humihinga naman ako pero parang hindi. Parang nagha-hyperventilate lang. Ang sosyal no? Haha. But seriously, this situation is already showing physical manifestations and I am scared. The more I deny myself of undergoing the process of grief, the more difficult it has become.

I really don't know how I got sucked into all this mess. All I know is that one day, I was as happy as a Care Bear and the next day, I was as miserable as Old Man Winter. Tamang tama, winter pa naman. Pagod na din ako sa drama so I reached out. By doing so, I felt better. By doing so, I acknowledged my reality and somehow accepted the limitations that life has given me. I have somehow made myself believe that I can live with reality; that I can live with certain limitations; that I can live with whatever comes my way. Ang alam ko lang kasi, I just want to live again. Haha. Sabi nga ni Pops,. gusto ko lang naman lumigaya, maskipaps. Haha.

Pero kahit na anong kanta ko ng "reaching out to you, do you feel it too...", eh wala naman pinatutunguhan. Mukhang final answer na yata talaga. Eto ang mahirap pag makulit ka kasi, napapahiya ka ng bonggang bongga. But, at least, nobody can fault me for not trying. At least sinubukan nang malaman. At ngayon, isang araw pagkatapos kong mag-reach for the stars, alam ko na ang kasagutan. I perfectly understand.

Syet na malagkit, hindi na naman ako makahinga. Haha.