The Return of the Rainbow

I have always been cynical about love but it does not mean I never aspire for it. In fact, at some point, I have looked for love deliberately. But, this time, I did not - it came a-knocking. I just opened the door to my heart and let it in. At first, I was doubtful. I never expected anything out of it when it was starting out. But, as days turned into weeks and weeks into months, my perception of love changed me. I became a better person. Maybe it was wrong of me to hope that this one would actually work out.

And it did - for a weekend. It was a balancing act but it did work out, somehow. I have never been happier, remember? So, I can never say I did not try. But, reality really bites and there are just too many realities in our lives that need to be dealt with. I am now scarred. Many can be resolved by ball-sy decisions. A few, by little compromises. Sadly, I cannot push for it because the decisions are not mine to make. So, I feel so helpless and, that reality, really sucks.

It still breaks my heart to just let this go. In fact, I barely had any sleep since. My head hurts, my eyes are red and my heart, bleeding - typical signs of what I have been so used to. Probably what hurts the most is the fact that, once again, I was myself and it did not work out. Four words: story of my life.

But, just like every other time I have fallen flat on the floor - face first, I intend to brush the dust off, stand up, move forward and start over again. I am just glad that, this time, I loved myself a little bit more so I have more strength to bring my life back to its old glorious monotonous state. I just need time. I guess I am finally learning. It also helps that in a couple of weeks, I'll be moving apartments - another change, another life. A couple of weeks thereafter, I'll be home, in time for my birthday bash. I will see many of you then. I'm certain that it will be a very good vacation.

I know that it may take a while before I get my old unaffected self back. I'll be alright. But right now, all I know is that I am sad and I can still feel my heart breaking.