That Night

I had just gotten out of the shower.

I was drying myself off.

You were already in bed, sleeping.

You were stripped down to your boxers.

A pillow under your head and another one was on your side.

Your eyes were closed.

We had a long night.

You looked tired but happy.

I hoped that you were.

I was happy even if I barely said a word about it.

I only hoped that you felt it.

I was that stupid.

Seeing you in bed, I felt a tinge of sadness in my chest.

I knew what I was feeling was real.

You were real.

Everything was real.

But, it was also too real.

Yes, you were before me - in my bed, in our bed.

But, no, you were not mine.

I made my way to the bed.

I can now hear you breathe.

I looked at you.

I tried to memorize how you looked.

I needed to remember you - every curve of your face, every single line.

I knew then that the memory of you will be all that I could ever keep.

I felt my face warm up.

I was just about to cry.

I stopped myself.

I took a seat on the other side of the bed.

I saw you move a little but your eyes were still closed.

I fluffed the pillow and laid down beside you.

You moved closer.

I remember putting my arms around you.

I hugged you tight.

You hugged me back.

I wanted to kiss you.

I really did.

But, I hesitated.

It was the second most-stupid thing that I did not do.

But, I knew that if did, things would be even more complicated.

I looked at you again.

Your eyes were still closed.

I have never seen you this close before.

My heart started beating fast.

I knew that it was time.

I kissed your neck and made my way to your left ear.

You responded with a muted moan.

I knew it was the perfect time.

I had a nervous awareness of what was about to happen.

My hands were shaking.

I hoped you did not notice.

I took in deep breaths.

I wanted you - all of you.

I can still feel your skin against my skin.

I can still remember how you smelled.

I can recall how you moaned - actually, how you tried not to moan.

I told you to just enjoy the moment - that, that night, I'll take charge.

You let me.

I remember you laid down on top of me.

We were both sweaty and breathing heavily.

I hugged you tight.

You wanted to let go.

I hugged you closer.

For a brief moment, we were one.

I felt a tear run down my cheeks

I hoped you did not notice.

Words can never do justice to the magic of that night.

I can never be eloquent enough to tell it.

All I know is that it happened.

It was real.

Status: FB

"Hey, it was nice meeting you Tristan."

"Likewise. Take care and I'll see you around.", pamamaalam ko sa kanya.

Isinara ko ang pinto. Nag-double lock and went straight to the balcony. I saw him get out of the apartment building a few minutes later. He hailed a cab and went on his way home. Then my phone beeped. I took out my phone from my pocket and checked the message.

"You were great.", ang sabi nya sa text.

Napangiti ako. I lighted my Frost. Napaisip ako muli: is this the life I want? I felt the wind blow on my face. Gininaw na naman ang ilong ko. Malamig talaga kasi these days sa city. Giniginaw na nga pati itlog ko. I took another puff, tumingin sa malayo at napabuntong hininga.

"Ayan ka na naman..."

I told myself that I won't do it. I promised myself change. Napaisip ako ng mas malalim. Naalala ko lahat ng naganap ng gabing nagdaan. Napangiti ako. Who would not? Hindi ko talaga akalain. I never thought it was even possible that he would look my way. But, he did. And he practically begged to meet me. Ang haba ng hair ko.

***

Anthony is in his mid-twenties. He's a black guy who stands six feet. Athletic-built at bespectacled. Cute ang black-rimmed glasses nya, bumagay sa kanya. And he had nice teeth and piercing eyes. He told me that he's American daw pero born in Germany, raised in Italy, Spain, Mexico at kung saan saan pa. He was very well-traveled kasi naman militar ang tatay. May pinag-aralan. Cultured pa. He works in DC sa isang restaurant... manager ata. Mukhang libre ang dessert ko nito pag nagkataon. Haha. Anyway, naaliw naman ako sa kanya. Napalaban pa nga ako ng slang. He told me he wanted to keep me company that night. Gusto daw nya may makausap, eh dahil wala na din naman akong kausap lately, nakipagusap na din ako. Ganyan talaga pag free.

He asked me if he could come over. I was hesitant at first. Nagtanong pa nga ako online sa isang kaibigan kung dapat ko bang gawin to. Ang bruha supportive sa career ko. Haha. I was hesitant because I know, in my mind, I was not yet ready. Mahina pa ang paninindigan ko. I was still vulnerable. I knew I had already changed. Hindi na din ako sanay. Malinis na kasi ako.

"It's up to you...", ang text nya sa kin.

Kinabahan ako. I needed to make a quick decision. Bahala na si Batman. Sarili ko na lang naman dapat ang iniisip ko. Ganyanan na kasi ngayon. Yan na ang uso.

"How soon can you be here?", ang matapang na sagot ko.

Lalong bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko.

A few minutes later, pagbukas ko ng pinto, tumambad sa kin si Anthony. He looked better than his picture. At mukha syang mabango. In fact, mabango nga sya talaga. I offered him a bottle of beer... at ang aking alindog. Haha. Joke lang, hindi pa. In between laughters, he would look at me in the eyes. Ako naman lampasan ang tingin because thoughts were running in my head.

"FB FB FB...", I kept repeating to myself.

"So Tristan, are you dating anyone?", he asked.

Nagulat ako sa tanong nya. Hindi ako prepared. Napangiti ako.

"No...."

And then he smiled.

"FB FB FB...", inulit ulit ko sa sarili ko.

"Hanggang FB lang ako... hanggang FB lang ako... FB lang ako...", I said as I tried to convince myself.

Pero dahil polite ako, I asked him the same question. Single din daw sya. At sya lang daw ang single sa mga kabarkada nya. At dahil Valentine's na, he's feeling the pressure. Natawa ako. Pati pala sa America may mga taong nagpapanic dating. Haha.

I broke the ice.

"Do you still wanna mess around?", I asked.

He looked at me and kissed me ever so passionately on the lips.

"This is it..", bulong ko sa sarili ko.

***

I heard my phone beep again. It was another message from him.

"Do you think we could meet up again soon?"

I looked at my phone again. I took another puff at my cigarette and looked out into the horizon. Tinanong ko ulit ang sarili ko, "is this the life I want?". Naalala ko ang mga nangyari. Naalala ko si Anthony at ang kanyang matitigas na braso... ang mahaba nyang ano... daliri... at ang maugat nyang... paa. LOL.

"Sure... just keep in touch."

On Hook Ups, Introspection and a Stick of Frost

I just cant force myself to do it anymore. Since I moved to the city over the weekend, I have received at least fifty emails from fifty different people asking me to hook up. I now think that my profile and my lovely picture works. Haha. I think I may have responded to 10 just because they were so irresistable. All of them probably thought that it would work out and that they could get a piece of this Asian ass. *Happy Thoughts* But, I have decided to postpone all meet ups until I am certain of something - that yes, I have indeed changed.

There were several blacks with humongous dickies. A few jocks whom I know could tickle my fancy. A handful Europeans boys who are so tempting. And even a Russian/Arab guy who looks so godly. But, every night, for the last three nights, I just find myself on my balcony, with a stick of Frost, looking at the city below me asking myself one thing: is this the life I want?

Turning in, I know I still do not have the answers. I just know these: that I want peace, peace of mind and yes world peace. I want to go home at night knowing fully well that someone's waiting for me. I want to know that at end of each day, no matter how shitty it has been, that I will never feel alone. I just need someone to talk to. I need someone who could make feel alive; make me laugh, make me cry, make me horny. I need someone who could satisfy my soul and keep me grounded. I need someone who could keep the hope alive.

Maybe it's just me and the weather. Or perhaps, the changes in the season. Maybe it's me turning another year older in a few weeks. Or maybe it's me ready to leave my old life behind for something real. Maybe, I just have too much drama in my life. Maybe I just need to really get laid again. Or maybe, I just need to find myself a gorgeous naked maid.

You Made Me Believe We Had A Chance

It's over.

It's really over.

At first I thought it would work out. But, it did not.

Now, I feel lost. I am sad. I don't know what to do. How do I move on from this?

Tinanong ko naman kung meron.

I told him what I wanted. I made sure that everything was clear. I laid my cards on the table.

He said yes.

I asked him if he was sure. He confirmed it. He even reconfirmed it a couple of times.

I trusted him with everything - who I was, where I lived, what I did.

Deep inside, I was still in doubt. But, I knew I had to learn how to trust people.

So, I did.

I sincerely hoped that it would work out.

Umasa ako. Nag-expect. Mali ba yun?

He made me believe we had a chance.

And now, it's over.

I don't know how to get in touch.

How do I start over? Paano pa ang buhay ko nito?

I hate him. I hate him so much. I really do.

I wish I don't but I do.

Ganun na lang, sorry? Is that it?

He broke my heart and all he could do is to say sorry? Come on.

Well, I'm sorry too.

To you, my COMCAST cable/internet/phone customer representative

The one who promised me that I'd get The Filipino Channel on my TV

Damn you. Damn you. Damn you.

Paano na ang showbiz chismis ko ngayon? Ang mga telenovela? Ang buhay artista?

How can I survive the city without TFC?

Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.


Blogger's Note: Over the weekend, I moved into my new city apartment. I'm almost done unpacking. But, it was only last night when I realized that my new life does not include TFC. Oh well, moving on... *grins*

Everything Just Had to Go Wrong

Only Murphy's Law can explain things that have been happening lately. It says that "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."

Take for instance what happened this morning. I woke up really really early - and by early I mean 6:30 AM. Still half-asleep, I went straight to the washroom with Macky, my Mac. Habit na yan e. Haha. I checked the usual sites - Blogger, Twitter and Facebook. I then checked the weather and finally, my mails. Then I took a shower. I quickly prepped and put on a crisp light blue shirt, a gray tie and a navy blue suit. I looked sharp, It was just 7:30ish. Everything was running according to plan.

I then made my way out of the apartment and closed the door. I looked at my watch and it was just 7:35ish. I figured that I still had time to sync my iPhone with my laptop. I had to get that nice song I have been listening to in New York on my phone. I knew that it would be nice to listen to it again on the train on the way to work. I guess that was the worst decision I made for the day. The effin sync function took forever. I hated myself for being so stubborn. Pero wala na kong magagawa, andyan na yan e. No turning back.

I got to the lobby at exactly 7:45. And yes, I missed my ride. Damn it. I waited for the next one at 8:00. I still had time. I knew I could make the 25 minute trip to work and still be at my desk by 8:30. I would just have to skip Starbucks. Again, I had a plan. But life had a different way of ruining my plans. The driver decided to declare today as the "National Day of Driving Ever So Slowly" and he was so good at it. He waited forever at all the turns and he drove ever so slowly. He even went around the block to make his turn.

Needless to say, I missed my train as well. So I waited for the next one. It came a few minutes later. I got in. No available seats. Perfect. The train moved. Finally. Three stations from where I boarded the train stopped. And it stopped there for at least 40 minutes. Damn. I had no choice, I was stuck. I had to make do with what I had been given. So I scouted the area. Pucha, wala din gwapo? Naman!

Ordinarily, I would have kept my cool and would not have made such a big fuss over petty delays. But, today was no ordinary day - today, happens to be the last working day that I would ever have to take the train to work kasi next week, tatlong kandirit na lang and isang smile na lang ang effort ko pagpasok. Today, also happens to be the day I promised my boss to come in early to help her out with our 9:30 AM presentation. I finally felt relevant. But yes, things had to happen today. Darn it.

I got to the office at exactly 9:25 AM. Needless to say, I needed to apologize profusely for not being at work on time. My boss looked at me as if I made the biggest career blunder of my entire life. And yes, it sure felt like it.

Akala ko ba I can't have it all? Why does it feel like I have it all? Malas nga lang. Ugh.

Have I just run out of luck lately?

No More Lies

"Hindi ka pa nagreach out?", tanong ng kaibigan ko.

"Hindi. Bakit ko naman gagawin yun?", mayabang na sagot ko.

But, I lied. I thought I can make myself believe (that planet earth turns slowly...) but, sadly, I feel that all the self-inflicted drama has finally taken its toll on me. Mga ilang araw ko na din napapansin na sa tuwing lolokohin ko ang sarili ko - pag sinasabi ko na okay na ko - hindi ako makahinga. Well, humihinga naman ako pero parang hindi. Parang nagha-hyperventilate lang. Ang sosyal no? Haha. But seriously, this situation is already showing physical manifestations and I am scared. The more I deny myself of undergoing the process of grief, the more difficult it has become.

I really don't know how I got sucked into all this mess. All I know is that one day, I was as happy as a Care Bear and the next day, I was as miserable as Old Man Winter. Tamang tama, winter pa naman. Pagod na din ako sa drama so I reached out. By doing so, I felt better. By doing so, I acknowledged my reality and somehow accepted the limitations that life has given me. I have somehow made myself believe that I can live with reality; that I can live with certain limitations; that I can live with whatever comes my way. Ang alam ko lang kasi, I just want to live again. Haha. Sabi nga ni Pops,. gusto ko lang naman lumigaya, maskipaps. Haha.

Pero kahit na anong kanta ko ng "reaching out to you, do you feel it too...", eh wala naman pinatutunguhan. Mukhang final answer na yata talaga. Eto ang mahirap pag makulit ka kasi, napapahiya ka ng bonggang bongga. But, at least, nobody can fault me for not trying. At least sinubukan nang malaman. At ngayon, isang araw pagkatapos kong mag-reach for the stars, alam ko na ang kasagutan. I perfectly understand.

Syet na malagkit, hindi na naman ako makahinga. Haha.

Oh Yes, That's Me

"Immature ka kasi...", sabi ng mga kaibigan ko while we were on our way to IKEA to buy some stuff for my new apartment.

I just laughed it off just like every other comment regarding my pathetic attempts at establishing a connection. Then they started lecturing me on maturity and how after each failed attempt, I would need to learn how to adjust myself appropriately - how to control my desire - how to be less me for the sake of being the perfect mature partner that my future love (sex and magic) would aspire to be with. I almost threw up. But, I was bothered by what they said. Immature nga ba talaga ko kaya hindi nagwowork out ang mga career ko? Ako ba ang may problema o sila?

Truth be told, I think I have come a long way since I first entered this lifestyle. A handful of friends know of this - they have seen me become the person I am today. Hindi nga ako marunong mag-"I Love You" when I first fell in love. Hindi kasi ako sanay. Pero natuto na ko. Mahilig na kong mag-ilabyupiolo ngayon. In fact, sa sobrang dalas kong mag-aylaybyu eh I'm beginning to mean it na pala. Haha. Joke lang. I mean it naman everytime I say it. Yun nga lang, paiyakan bago ako umamin. Haha.

Naalala ko tuloy yung isang nanligaw sa kin in the past - he was just sixteen and I was twenty four ata. Yung bata eh date ng barkada ko eh napacute na bata. At take note, maganda ang hinaharap. Napa-clap nga ako when I first saw it. Anyway, the boy became obsessed sa kagandahan ko. Hinahanap ako sa nanay ko. Haha. Scary no. But what makes him memorable is the fact na mahilig yun mag-i love you. Naaliw ako sa kanya, feeling ko kagandahan talaga ko. But, when I found out na mahal din pala nya lahat ng barkada ko, I dropped him just like that. Habol pa din sya pero di ko na pinansin. I decided to call him "I Love You Everybody". Amputa. But, I digress. Na-carried away ako. Haha.

I agree, my maturity level still has lots of potential. Kailangan ko daw itaas ang EQ ko - wag daw sunggab ng sunggab. Eh ano magagawa ko, mababa talaga EQ ko - alam ko na yun, dati pa. Pag may marshmallows sa table, kakainin ko agad. I like marshmallows eh. Haha. I am very impatient and I need answers as fast as I can. I need to know if what I am doing is worth doing from the get go. Hindi talaga ako yung tipo ng tao na may pakiyeme-kiyeme pa. Hindi naman ako pakipot e. Ang alam ko, pag masaya ako at pag masaya ang ginagawa ko, wala nang kailangan isipin pa. Sabi nga sa song, "there's no need to hesitate, our time is short, this is our fate, I'm yours.". Pesteng kanta yan, mali ang advice. Haha.

But, I understand that not everyone thinks like me and not everyone is ready for the fast-paced lifestyle that I offer. And, this is exactly the reason why I try to adjust - no matter how difficult, adjust lang ng adjust. Sa baba ng EQ ko, magtiwala kayo, adjustment can get really really extremely overly difficult. Pero, reasonable naman kasi akong tao so keri lang. Unfortunately, hindi lahat ng taong pinag-adjustan ko eh kayang sumabay pa din. Mabilis ba talaga ko? Hindi ko talaga maintindihan, over-achiever yata talaga ko? Haha. Yes, I understand, hindi naman kasi to race - walang finish line. Pero, if you like each other naman, bakit kelangan pa ng time? Pag naghihiwalay kelangan ng time, pag naglalandian, kelangan din ng time? Eh pano kung wala nang time? What if we die tomorrow - sorry na lang? Ganun?

For me, maturity is boring. Pag nagpaka-mature ako, it means I am less of me. Hindi na ko impulsive. Hindi na din ako ganun kasaya kasi I think about every single move na gagawin ko. Hindi na ko ako and the very same reason that some people gravitate towards me disappears with me overthinking my actions. So what's it gonna be? Ano ba talaga kuya? Oh and by kuya, I mean the expression and not a particular person, okay? Some people say good things come to those who wait? Whatever happened to Jack of Titanic when he hesitated? Ayun namatay sa lamig in the middle of the ocean just because. True love nga naman, funny. So would you rather be dead and mature or be less mature and happy?

Ako alam ko ang sagot ko. I live my life following a very simple rule. I always do what makes me happy. Kelangan masaya kasi pag hindi masaya, it's not worth doing. Happy not content. Happy not difficult. Happy not peaceful. Siguro, sa ibang tao, doing things that do not necessarily make them happy but keep all the troubles away is already good enough. I respect that. But, that's just not me. I am different and I intend to keep it that way.

P.S. Anong tawag sa phase na to? Haha.

Think of Me

For lack of something better to do tonight, I found myself cleaning my iTunes playlist. While I was browsing for songs to delete, I ran across one of my favorite songs of all time, Think of Me. I got fixated with the song and decided to write this post.

I am not sure how many of you are familiar with this song but it's actually one of the more recognizable songs from the Phantom of the Opera musical in Broadway.



It became even more "pop" when David Archuleta sang it on American Idol.

Personally, both the song and the musical hold a very special place in my heart. The first time I watched the Phantom of the Opera was Valentine's Day of 2005. Back then, it was being shown on the big screen and I, I was with my ex. He was my first Valentine's date - ever and yes, it was our first Valentine's together. Needless to say, watching the film together only made the whole experience special.

Notwithstanding the memories from that date, I honestly liked the story. It was a different kind of love story where the main character never got to be with the love of his life. Too much drama? Well, I like drama. Anyway, I promised myself that I will watch it on Broadway. Almost five years later, I was finally able to watch it, live. And yes, it was even more special this time around.

I distinctly remember that I cried while this song was being sung. The emotions I experienced while watching the show transcended what I was seeing on stage. At the back of my mind, I knew that this song would hold more meaning. I now get it.

The Comeback

This morning, my friends came along with me to help check out my new place. I needed to take measurements kasi to find out if all of my furniture would fit in the relatively smaller space I have found in the heart of the city. Lilipat na kasi ako next week.

My new apartment is the topmost corner unit of a brick building in the heart of the most gay community in city. Tapos, may matching balcony pa where I can let my hair down pag sunset. Haha. The club that I often go to is also just beside the building - very convenient if and when the time comes that I would need to make landi. Best of all, the place is very near the office - tatlong kandirit lang at isang smile away.

Sa totoo lang, iniisip ko pa if I'm gonna make landi muli in the city paglipat ko. Ang wholesome ko na kasi. Sabi nga ng mga kaibigan ko, wag na daw akong lumandi ng todo todo at magfocus na lang daw ako sa paghihintay for my one great love. Tiningnan ko lang sila ng masama. Muntikan ko na nga silang tuhugin ng chop sticks. Mga adik yata kasi mga kaibigan ko. Haha. But I do understand what they were trying to say - concerned lang sila because they know what I am capable of - kaya ko kasing magputa if I want to, ako pa! Sabi ko na lang, I'll think about it sabay tawa.

We then decided to have lunch afterwards - Malaysian daw. Dahil feel ko naman mag-curry, go kami sa pinakamalapit na restaurant. It was there where I met him...

Ang pogi ng batang ito. He was around 5'8, medyo kulot, maputi, at matangos ang ilong. Mukha syang mabango. His eyes were brown and they pierced my soul whenever he looked at me. He reminded me of someone from the not-so-distant past, SLN (sumalangit nawa). Suot nya ang uniform ng restaurant, shempre - batik para mukhang authentic na Malaysian lang. Mukhang maganda naman ang katawan nya sa ilalim ng maluwag na batik.

"Welcome to ______.", ang bati ng pogi.

Napangiti talaga ko when I first saw him. Kunyari unaffected ako.

"Are we the first customers today?", tanong ko, sabay pa-cute.

He confirmed that we were. He was smiling tapos ramdam ko na may kakaiba. Napansin din ng mga kasama ko na may kakaibang nangyayari.

"Tristan, bading ba yung waiter?"

Napangiti ako. Alam ko ang sagot pero ayoko sabihin. The boy came back with our menu. Smile ulit sya. Sumulyap ako sa kanya at nanlambot ang tuhod ko nang nakita kong nakatingin sya sa kin.

"So what's your bestseller here?", I asked casually.

"This one sir...", sabay turo nya sa menu.

I looked at him again and smiled. He was still smiling. Nagbilang ako ng tatlo. Sustained ang eye contact ng gago. Panalo na to. Tapos na ang usapan. Gaya ng nakasanayan, kinindatan ko ang gwapo sabay baling sa mga kasama ko. Kita ko sa corner ng eyes ko, lalong napangiti ang mokong. Ilang minuto ang lumipas, pagkatapos makuha ang order, dumating ang kropek - yes, chicharon na appetizer- at kahit miss na miss ko na ang chicharon, nagpakabusy ako sa ibang bagay. Nakita ko kasi na ang pogi eh nagsuot ng jacket at naglakad palabas ng restaurant. Dumating ang manager at sya mismo ang nag-asikaso sa drink orders namin. I quickly placed my order and requested to be excused.

I needed my Frost so I had to step out for a while. Style! Haha. Sa totoo lang, stressed pa din kasi ako at yun ang hindi alam ng mga kaibigan ko. Tumatawa pa din kasi ko na parang wala lang. Mahirap pala talaga pag sinasarili lang ang moment. Sa pagkakataon kasi na ito, I chose not to share anything with them. Akin na lang muna. I am sure that my friends know that something bad must have happened last week, hindi lang nila alam ang details. At kahit ayaw nila na nagyoyosi na ulit ako, iniintindi na lang nila ko. Mahirap na kasing magkwento. Inilabas ko ang yosi at nagsindi. Ang hindi ko napansin, the pogi was just outside the restaurant - may kinuha lang pala. Our eyes met again and, at that time, I knew that it was now or never.

"Hey, where you from?", my very usual conversation starter.

He nodded before he smiled. Mas lalo kong napansin ang kanyang mga mata - ang ganda, brown na brown. At kung makatingin si Mokong, feeling ko nahubaran ako. Ang ganda din nyang mag-smile, amputi ng ipin.

"Honduras. You?", he asked.

Lumipad pa ang utak ko. Honduras daw. Wala pa yun sa checklist ko.

"Philippines..", I quickly replied back.

"Correction, candidate number 29, Ms. Philippines!!! ", bulong kong pasigaw sa sarili ko.

Lalo akong napangiti. And then he started asking me questions. I replied and asked him other innocent questions like where he lived, how long he's been working in the restaurant, how old he was, and if he was studying still. Nagpaka-casual ako. The boy was kind enough to answer all of my questions. He then asked for my name.

"Tristan.", I said.

Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko.

"And yourself?", I continued.

He peeked inside the restaurant. Ewan ko, siguro sinisilip kung nakatingin ang boss nya before he replied.

"Minor.", ang dinig ko.

Ano daw? Naguluhan ako. Was he trying to tell me that he was a minor? Sumakit ang ulo ko. He then said it again.

"My name's Minor...", ang dinig ko.

I was even more confused.

"How do you spell your name?"

And then he proceeded spelling the name.

"M-I-N-N-E-R."

"Ohh...", I gasped.

He laughed. He must have gotten the same reaction before too. He picked up the bag that he got from the second floor storage area, looked at me and smiled. Just before he went in, I asked him one more question.

"So Minner... do you wanna grab a drink with me some time soon?"

Good Morning

Magmomoment sana ako ulit this morning pagdating sa office - at least that was the plan kasi maskipaps (maski papano) nalulungkot pa din ako. Nakatulog man ako kagabi, finally, eh paggising ko, parang may mali pa din. Lumingon ako sa side table ko at inabot ang phone - doon ko nakita ang regalo nya... hindi ko pa magamit kasi nasasaktan pa ko pag nakikita ko. Sayang naman pero hindi ko pa kaya eh. Madrama kasi talaga ko. Haha. Pagbangon ko, lumingon ako sa paligid at dinama ang malamig na hangin sa loob ng kwarto.

"Good morning...", bati ko sa hangin na parang nababaliw lang. Haha.

On my way to the office, tahimik lang ako. Ramdam ko na may pagtataka ang isang kaibigan na madalas kong kasabay pumasok. But, I know I have to start somewhere, may closure na ko maskipaps - so I tried to find beauty in the sunny skies, the perfect not-so-cold weather, and yes, how I looked. Maganda ako today... nakaporma, maskipaps ulit - Friday eh. Suot ko ang jacket na suot ko sa New York - may kirot pa din nang pinili kong isuot ang jacket na ito pero kelangan kong magmaganda and it was the most weather-appropriate among all my jackets.

Tumigil ang shuttle sa train station. Ilang minuto lang, nakasakay na ako ng tren. Hindi masyadong masikip ngayon - nakikisama ang tren para pagandahin ang araw ko. Andami din gwapo sa tren - bakit ngayon ko lang sila ulit napansin? Pinilit kong makipagkwentuhan sa kasama ko - kailangan kong maging masaya. Chumika ako ng anything under the sun para sa isang masaya umaga. Kailangan kong tumawa.

I bought myself a venti skimmed no-whipped mocha, gaya ng dati, before coming to work. Dahan dahan akong nagkalad papunta ng opisina. Hindi ko maiwasan isipin na sa parehong daan na yun, minsan naglakad ako kasama sya. Ganun pala talaga. The wind blew on my face. Gininaw ang ilong ko. Malamig pa din ang panahon sa Estados Unidos. Kamusta kaya ang Bora?

Alam ng madami sa inyo na happy place ko ang Bora at doon ako nagpupunta pag kailangan kong maging masaya. I am a beach bum. Masaya ako sa tabing dagat kahit hindi ako marunong lumangoy - kaya nga tabing dagat lang eh. Bora has helped me several times to be happy. Inisip ko kung ano kaya kung nasa Bora ako ngayon, siguro maskipaps, makakalimot ako. Pero wala ako sa Bora and my second happy place is New York. Kamusta naman d ba? Parang may mali lang, di ba? Haha.

Pagdating ko ng opisina, inayos ko ang jacket ko at ilang gamit. Binuksan ang computer at sinimulan magbasa ng emails na dumating overnight. I planned for my entire day and also thought of what I could do tonight - Friday pa naman. Bu-booking na ba ko ulit? Kaya ko na bang makipaglandian sa club? Magtutulog lang ba ako sa bahay? Lahat ng tanong ko, hindi ko nasagot. Parang adik lang. Haha. Sinilip ko ang sarili ko sa salamin na nasa harap ng computer ... nakita ko ang eyebags ko, naluha ako. Shet, pano ba tanggalin to? Haha. Sa gitna ng pagmoment ko, dumating ang boss ko... nakangiti. Kinabahan ako. Pag nakangiti kasi to, may hihingin na urgent pero di naman important. Pang-asar lang ba! Balak ko pa naman maging tamad today pero shempre, mega-smile ulit ako.

"Tristan, how are you?", ang bati ng bruha.

"Hey boss, good morning. How are you?", I greeted her with matching pagkaganda-gandang toothy smile.

Sa likod nya, may napansin akong sumusunod - isang lalaki. He's around 5'11, maputi pero hindi sobrang puti, cropped college-boy hair ang drama nya, matangos ang ilong, mapula ang labi, maganda ang katawan. He seemed to be in his early twenties. Parang studyante pa sa isang ivy league university. He was wearing a light brown sweatshirt na nakita ko na sa Calvin Klein at one point in my life - binalak ko na yun bilhin pero hindi bagay sa kin. Haha. His jeans fitted him perfectly. And he was smiling. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Lalong bumongga ang ngiti ko.

"Naman Lord, wag naman sana consultant to, kasi hindi ko kaya ang office romance...", bulong ko sa sarili ko.

"Tristan, I'd like you to meet M, my son.", ang pakilala ng boss ko.

Nanginig na naman ang tumbong ko. Haha. Napatayo ako, sabay abot ng kamay kay M,

"Hi, I'm Tristan.", with matching bonggang bonggang smile.

Sa background, nadidinig ko ang boss ko na nagsasalita. She was probably selling my credentials to his son. Pakelam ko. Basta, hindi ko sya naintindihan. Ang alam ko lang, his son and I had our moment. Tumalikod ang boss ko at bumalik sa opisina nya. Nakatingin pa din ako sa anak nya. Before the boy entered the room, he looked at me again and smiled. I tilted my head a little and smiled back - parang commercial lang. Haha.

"Good morning Tristan..." ang bati ng isa pang ka-opisina ko sa kin pagdating nya.

"Well, good morning to you too!", ang bati ko sa kanya sabay ngiti.

Muntik na kong mag-clap my hands.

It was indeed a good morning.

Kuning Kuning Atbp.

Now, more than ever, naniniwala na ko na mabuti naman pala akong tao. Without being overly religious or anything, naaliw akong isipin na heaven really takes care of me kasi andaming pinapadala ni Lord para aliwin ako. Nata-touch nga ako sa outpouring of support from old and new friends here and back home. Kahit clueless ang mga utaw, they are making me smile. Without many of them knowing it, they are making my life a whole lot easier. Mahirap kasi talaga ang biglang bagsak - para lang daw nakadrugs ka tapos bigla ka na lang nagcrash pag-alis ng tama. Hindi ko pa nasusubukan magdrugs pero na-equate ko to sa pain killers pag bagong bunot ang ipin, pagtanggal ng effect, bigla na lang syang sasakit tapos mapapaiyak ka na lang.

Kagabi, bago ko matulog at pagkatapos kong tumawa sa bonggang conspiracy ni Lord at ng ipod playlist ko, napaisip ako ng Stages of Grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression at acceptance. Alam ko dumaan na ko ng denial at anger. Kagabi, dumating na ko sa bargaining at any moment soon, I think I'll reach depression. Juskopo, goodluck na lang sa kin at paubos na ang tissue ko sa bahay.

Bakit ba kasi ako naiiyak? Sa totoo lang ewan ko. Bukod sa pagiging madrama kong tao, gusto ko din lang umiyak. Hobby ko yun e. Haha. I think sooner or later matatapos din to kagaya ng hang ups ko sa namayapang Sekretong Malupit (isa pa tong gagong to - hoy, uuwi na ko magpakita ka na. LOL). Naisip ko din, maganda din umiyak baka sakaling nakakabawas ng weight at cleansing na din to. So cry me a river na lang ako while watching a sappy Filipino movie on dvd. Hindi nga kasi ako makatulog - pero naka 2 hours ako kagabi, trust me kakaiba na to dahil makamasa ako, masandal tulog. Goodluck na lang sa eyebags ko. Mukha na nga ata akong tilapia.

Pero mabalik ako sa Stages of Grief, when I was a lot younger, I went through this with my first ever failed online romance. Yes, nakakailang online romance na ko. Ganun yata talaga ang tunay na malandi. Anyway, noong time na nagmega-heartbreak ako, pabalik-balik lang ako sa denial at anger. Haha. Medyo natagalan ako bago nakarating sa acceptance. It took me a while to move forward. Buti na lang nakalimot ako, sino nga sya ulit? LOL.

Ang bagong discovery ko pala with this experience, masarap at masaya din palang maging self-aware sa feelings, mind you. Dati, hindi ko matanggap na nalulungkot din pala ko. I have always refused to be sad. Pero alam nyo, when the time came na natanggap ko na may capacity pala ko maging malungkot, mas madaling maging masaya. Sabi nga nila, enjoy the feeling kasi only at your lowest can you appreciate the happiest moments. Oo nga naman, may point naman pala.

At speaking of happiest moments, pag naiisip ko nga ang weekend getaway ko na hindi naman kamurahan, naitatanong ko sa sarili ko if it was even worth it. But everytime I look at the pictures that were taken during the trip, I would remember how happy I felt during that time. Every picture had its own story and every story was interconnected. Lahat ng nangyari made that trip one of the happiest, if not the best trip, I've ever done. So yes, it was all worth it. Goodluck na lang sa memories na ito.

Ayan naiiyak na naman ako, nasa office pa naman ako. Tama na nga ang emote.Absent na nga ako kahapon tapos iiyak pa ko sa office - masakit kasi ang ulo ko at di kinaya ng powers ko na pumasok na mukhang tilapia. Mas mahirap kasi magexplain in English. Ngayon, nasa office na ulit ako at smiling ever na naman - parang hindi nagkasakit. How professional. Haha.

Ano ba kasing point ng post na to? Wala lang, gusto ko lang umutot online, gaya ng dati. Kung di mo trip ang ganitong pagsusulat, balik ka lang after a few days, I am sure maiiba na ang takbo ng blog ko. Iniisip ko pa kung lalabas na ang mga pokpok posts ko pero kasi nagbago na nga ako. I've changed. Pero who knows, sa pagbabalik ng rainbow, kasabay nito ang pag-usbong ng katalandian ko.

Ay may mga nagtatanong pala, bakit nga ba daw rainbow? Kasi ganito yun, after the rain usually lumalabas ang rainbow - that at the end of each sad phase in my life, the skies will clear up and the sun will shine thus, the rainbow. Shempre, kasama na dun ang paglandi ko na rainbow din. O d ba, deep?

Sense of Homer

Dahil nagmomoment ang lolo nyo, nahiga ako sa kama at nagpatugtog. Pinabayaan ko lang ang dakilang ipod ko na tumugtog mag-isa. At hello, nalaglag ako sa kama ng madinig ko ang random selections nya.

Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart by Alicia Keys

Long Distance by Brandy

I played along - maybe heaven was trying to tell me something. Eto pa ang tinugtog nya.

Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne

I Believe in You and Me by Whitney Houston

Remember Me This Way from Casper

Parang mamatay lang. Haha. Sumakit ang ulo ko, I swear. Nagpahid ako ng sipon. Bumalikwas ako sa kama at akmang papatayin na sana ang dakilang ipod pero tumugtog ito:

I Made It Through the Rain by Barry Manilow

Natawa ako. For the first time in two days, napatawa talaga ako. Kahit pala papano, may sense of humor ang langit - at pati ipod ko eh pinagdiskitahan. Sabi nga nila, everything happens for a reason, pati ang random selection ng playlist ko. And I know that, no matter how difficult, I know that my sense of homer will get me through this. And yes, I have you guys.

To everyone who has been there for me - kahit na clueless kayo sa mga nangyayari - thank you. Simple lang naman ang explanation: "He's just not that into me". Hindi na ko maniniwala sa iba pang excuses - everything's lame. Yun nga lang, he's just not that into me. Aray. Haha. Salamat ulit ng madami. Bukas, sana ok na ko.

Pahabol: Sa mga taong susubok na mangarir sa kin (and yes, alam nyo na kung sino sino kayo... at take note, kayo.), please do everybody a big favor and don't even start. From now on, sana sex na lang. SEX na lang, utang na loob. Bawal na din ang friendship, SEX lang. SEX LANG!!!

The Return of the Rainbow

I have always been cynical about love but it does not mean I never aspire for it. In fact, at some point, I have looked for love deliberately. But, this time, I did not - it came a-knocking. I just opened the door to my heart and let it in. At first, I was doubtful. I never expected anything out of it when it was starting out. But, as days turned into weeks and weeks into months, my perception of love changed me. I became a better person. Maybe it was wrong of me to hope that this one would actually work out.

And it did - for a weekend. It was a balancing act but it did work out, somehow. I have never been happier, remember? So, I can never say I did not try. But, reality really bites and there are just too many realities in our lives that need to be dealt with. I am now scarred. Many can be resolved by ball-sy decisions. A few, by little compromises. Sadly, I cannot push for it because the decisions are not mine to make. So, I feel so helpless and, that reality, really sucks.

It still breaks my heart to just let this go. In fact, I barely had any sleep since. My head hurts, my eyes are red and my heart, bleeding - typical signs of what I have been so used to. Probably what hurts the most is the fact that, once again, I was myself and it did not work out. Four words: story of my life.

But, just like every other time I have fallen flat on the floor - face first, I intend to brush the dust off, stand up, move forward and start over again. I am just glad that, this time, I loved myself a little bit more so I have more strength to bring my life back to its old glorious monotonous state. I just need time. I guess I am finally learning. It also helps that in a couple of weeks, I'll be moving apartments - another change, another life. A couple of weeks thereafter, I'll be home, in time for my birthday bash. I will see many of you then. I'm certain that it will be a very good vacation.

I know that it may take a while before I get my old unaffected self back. I'll be alright. But right now, all I know is that I am sad and I can still feel my heart breaking.

NSFW: East Meets West

It finally happened.

Tristan met Kuya over the long weekend - in New York, no less. I wish I could tell you everything but, this time, I am choosing to keep many of the things that have transpired offline. I am, however, sharing some pictures from the trip.

To those who have been asking me how things went, let's just put it this way: I have never been happier.

***

Dinner and our newfound friend, Margarita.

Then there was dessert... on top of a hunk. Ice cream during winter never tasted so good.

And it came with a little S/M on the side.

So we just had to do it again the following night... in a different club.

And it was breathtaking.

It was indeed extremely difficult not to fall in love with (in) New York.

Next Stop: Manila? *wink*wink*

Surprise!

Quite recently, a question got me thinking.

"What is something people will find surprising about you?", a questionnaire asks.

I was dumbfounded. How was I supposed to know the answer to this question? I tried to analyze it further.

First, I had to know how other people perceive me. But, finding this out would take time and most likely, I'd get answers which are not exactly true, only politically appropriate. I might need close friends to tell me the answers but, then again, they're actually close friends for a reason - they know me and there might be very little that would surprise them about me.

And so, I struggled for an answer.

What if I answer this question based on how I feel people perceive me as? Or maybe, I can deal with this based on how I have projected myself to others? I can start from there and maybe, just maybe, people might find some of my responses surprising thereby answering the question.

I did a quick soul-search. Here they are:

1. I have been told that I am the life of a party; that I am a party animal; that I am a social butterfly. This is not exactly true. Growing up, I used to be a nerd. To make it worse, I was an introvert. I was a geeky kid with a bright pink future. I barely spoke around people and I was content with reading books and yes, newspapers. I diligently read the Inquirer's editorial page since I was eight (I stopped reading after I learned how to party). I struggled to get out of my closet and started to explore the world beyond boundaries. I learned how to mingle, I had to. I started talking more, I needed to. I became the person many of you know. But, inside each party animal/social butterfly is a closet introvert who prefers having coffee (or tea) by himself and people-watch; someone who takes a moment of silence before entering a party; someone who hesitates for a second before approaching anyone; and someone who breathes a sigh of relief each time he successfully delivers an "extrovert" performance at the end of each day.

2. I am extremely monogamous. Yes, it is possible for a Tristan to be one. My stories might be flirtatious but I can be very faithful. I honestly believe that respect begets respect so I dare not commit adultery (adultery daw o!) when I am in a serious relationship with someone, ceteris paribus. The only thing that can make me turn unfaithful is when I am extremely sexually unhappy with a partner. Pag ganun ang usapan, kabahan ka na dahil tried and tested na yan.

3. Hindi ako mayaman, mayabang lang. I come from a very poor family - poor, not middle class. I remember when I was younger, ulam namin patis na bigay pa ng kamag-anak. Ang swerte ko na pag may catsup! At ang Spam, pang special occasions lang... ang nipis pa ng hiwa. Haha. I may be able to afford certain luxuries now but I was not able to even buy myself a cup of coffee when I was starting out. Siguro ito ang dahilan kung bakit takot ako magutom. I fear starvation. Haha.

4. And dahil takot akong magutom, I grew so big. So big, in fact, that I barely fit in any off-the-racks. Haha. Trust me, I did. Who I am now is just a fraction of who I was before, literally and figuratively. What's even more unbelievable to some people, even my closest friends, is the fact that, in spite of who I was back then, I (1) get laid over and over and over again; (2) had regulars playmates; (3) never paid to get laid; and (4) had several decent-looking boyfriends pa! What can I say, maganda talaga ko. Lalo na ngayon. Haha.

And lastly, I saved the best for last. Maniwala kayo, totoo. Haha.

5. I have not been laid for over two months now, by choice.


Blogger's Note: The question is actually one of four essay questions that potential students of a top university in the States need to answer before graduate school admission.

2KX iPhone Microblogs

I started my year clubbing. Does that mean I'd be clubbing the whole year? Maybe. Or maybe not. I just know that I started my new year with new friends. And, new friendships are always good.

***

Open Bar. I welcomed the new year with a glass of champagne in hand. Fancy, huh? But, deep inside, I'd trade that glass of fancy champagne for a new year's kiss - all I got were virtual kisses and those just did not do the trick.

***

For the last two days, I've been out skiing. After hundreds of dollars spent on outfits and charges, I am proud to report that I'll be going home tomorrow unscathed. I did learn to ski but what I really learned was to overcome the fear of falling - for it is the fear of falling that stops us from enjoying the fall.

***

I have never been the outdoorsy type. I'd rather be curled up at home enjoying a good movie or a rerun of my favorite local soap. And, maybe, cooking a good meal for myself or for someone else. But, as mentioned, recently, I have been forced to be outdoorsy. I tried it, for the sake of trying and have learned another thing. My ski trip taught me an invaluable lesson about myself: I like to be photographed.

***

A friend commented on how some white boys, goodlooking at that, rambled forever without making sense while having dinner. I could not have agreed more. All of them had verbal diarrhea and they were not making sense. I also realized that I like diarrhea. Haha.

***

I'll be meeting someone soon and I'm having jitters. In all the years that I have been eyeballing people, this is the craziest I will be doing so far. I feel like I'm getting married. But, much like my first descent down the slopes, I plan to go about it blindly and pray that the fall does not kill me.

***

I've been reading a lot of new stuff lately. It's amazing how many new bloggers pop out every day. I like reading newbies - they are less presumptuous. For new bloggers, continue writing. Write what you think. Say what you need. Mean what you say. In the meantime, I will follow what I preach.

***

As I'm typing this post on my iPhone, I have received at least 10 looks, 3 smiles and zero introductions. I guess they all remember me as the guy who keeps on rolling down the hill every 5 meters. Or maybe, I just look stupid typing incessantly on my phone for the last hour.

***

So much for creativity for Year 2KX. Moving along.