Homecoming Queen

I went home to the province the other day to meet my family. My mom was there and so was my dad, my sister and my youngest brother. My other brother and sister were still in the metro, working their asses off. I plan to see them soon.

It was a no-nonsense visit - much like the usual weekend visits that I have done the whole time I was in Manila. I wanted them to feel a semblance of normalcy - kunyari nasa Manila lang ako and umuuwi ako ng bahay. I did not want them to think that I had been gone for a long time and would be gone again after a few weeks. But, the reality remains - I was just there on vacation.

Nanay looked a little old. I can see signs of old age on her face - papadalhan ko nga sya ng Olay. She still smiled a lot, parang may topak lang. Hehe. She had the same zeal in seeing me back as if it was the first time she had ever seen me in years. Sabi ko, "Nay, wag OA, ilang buwan lang ako nawala...". Natawa na lang sya. Her voice sounded familiar and her vowels and consonants were still all over the place. Jokingly, I even told her that "fresh" is not the same as "fres". Again, she just laughed it off. My mom and I share a different kind of relationship. She knows that behind all the pambabara ko sa kanya, I will always be there for her.

Tatay looked tired probably from all the years that he's been working hard for everybody. It now shows on his face. His tummy, bigger which, I am sure comes as a result of very poor diet. He limps every time he walks. My Tatay is getting older by the day and I am scared that, no matter how healthy he still remains, old age would eventually get to him. His laugh remained the same and the way he intently listens to my stories is still there. I noticed that Tatay was wearing the shoes I sent him for Christmas. He even told me those shoes helped him walk when arthritis hits him bad. Nag-demo pa nga ang Tatay ko. Kakalurkey.

My sister is much better now. Gone were the horrifying image of a sister who almost lost everything to depression. She had gained weight over the last year which I totally, out of love, ignored. She proudly handed me my Christmas gift - a nice pair of cargo shorts which she probably bought using some of the money I gave her during her birthday. I gratefully accepted and tried on - it was a perfect fit. My sister laughed a lot the whole time I was home - she knows that Kuya has a whole trip planned for everybody and she's very excited to go. I am just happy to see that she's okay.

Bunso had grown so much since I last saw him. He was almost as tall as I am and is now a full-aged teenager. My little brother, much like everyone else in the family, still refuses to acknowledge his feelings. Dedma lang ang drama. He doesn't know that it almost broke my heart to hear him say in his deepest teenager voice, "Hi, Kuya..." when I first opened the door. God, I missed that. "So Tuto, kumain ka na?", was all I was able to say. Lousy me. But, if there was one person I missed, it was him.

Our house looked the same - a little older but it's the same shitty place that I have so gotten used to. There, was the same bed that I would be sleeping in, the same kitchen that I used to cook family meals in, the same everything. I noticed that everyone tried to make the house as clean as possible. But, there's only so much they could do. It was falling apart.

You see, my family still lives in the same old dilapidated house in the province. Those who have come to know me when I was already in Manila would never be able to figure out that I still live there. There is a certain disconnect between who I am now and who I was before. I am a different person - I have climbed the social ladder, somehow. But, it's just me. It stresses me out to think that while I am enjoying the luxuries of life abroad, garbed in labels, I have yet to be able to afford construction of a new house.

During the wee hours of the morning, Tatay and I had a talk. He told me about what had transpired over the time I had been away - from politics to family and everything else in between. I felt that Tatay missed me a lot - I was after all his farm help, his business partner and his advisor among other things - but he was too scared of his own emotions and tried to hide it behind laughs and cooking my favorite meals. Nag-effort ang Tatay ko to cook the same meals I had grown accustomed to. It was as good as I remembered it to be.

I promised Tatay a house within the year. He knows that, much like everything else, I would make good of the promise I make. I just hope he did not see the fear in my eyes when we did a rough estimate of how much new construction would cost. But, okay lang. Kahit pa magutom ako sa pagbabayad ng utang, ipapagawa ko ang bahay. So help me, God.

Coming home to our house in the province and seeing my family again was a whole different experience. It was very humbling and now, I am back on the ground. Yes, my family may be the quirkiest family you'd ever meet in this planet and our house may be the oldest and most dilapidated house on the block but, I know that no matter where I am at and who I have become, I know that that shitty place and that quirky family will always be home.

May I Moment?

Before leaving the city earlier for a quick trip back to the province, I decided to watch a film in Megamall. Movie-deprived na din kasi ako sa States. So yun, I found myself seated in the cinema by myself and waiting for the movie to start.

"I Miss You Like Crazy" was my film of choice for the day. The decision to watch this was quite simple - I am a Filipino film-starved balikbayan who needed a local romantic story to make me realize how un-romantic my life is turning out to be. I also needed my baduy fix and a dash of crazy emo moments which I know I can definitely get from local cinema.

Sa totoo lang, since arriving in Manila over the weekend, I had been totally oblivious of this film - maybe because I had already lost contact with the Filipino mass media ever since I lost TFC in the city. I just saw a poster in the mall. In an instant, I knew I had to watch that film, by hook or by crook. Day 2 na nga ako nakanood! Tsk tsk. All along pa, I thought that this film was "One More Chance" - Part 2 so sa madaling sabi, I looked stupid during the first few minutes of watching it because I was trying to figure out what happened between Part 1 and 2. Antanga lang. Hahaha.

I will not post spoilers at hindi na din ako magpapanggap ng review - panoorin nyo na lang. Basta, ang importante, naiyak ako ng bonggang bongga sa film na to. It's a film that's so relevant to me in this day and age - kwentong kabit, bad timings, OFW, poor judgement and happily ever after kasi which is basically, the story of my life.

One of my most favorite dialogues was when Bea (Mia) and John Lloyd (August/Allan) were discussing what the Petronas Towers (which appear to be two people holding hands) were saying to each other:

"Masaya ko pag kasama kita.", says Bea

"Ako rin.", says John Lloyd.

I felt tears roll down my cheeks the moment I heard those lines. Naka-relate lang ng bonggang-bongga - feeling ko ako si Bea. Haha.

30 Boys in 30 Days

My friend and I were chatting over coffee one fine sunny day in Manila when he posed a challenge.

"Tristan, 30 Boys in 30 Days."

I laughed.

"Seriously?", I asked.

"Kaya mo?"

I smiled to hide what was running through my head.

"Kaya kung sa kaya... pero gusto ko ba?", I asked myself.

You see, back in the good old days of pokpok Tristan, that number would have come in a snap. Madali naman akong kausap. Besides, I know what I am capable of. But, the thing is, I have changed. Pakibaba ang kilay sa nagmamalinis. It's true, trust me.

But my dear friend made it even more difficult. I am sure this has nothing to do with the people who work for this industry and I am certain that my friend did not mean to offend anyone. He wanted to know if I can still swing it if there was this condition:

"30 Boys in 30 Days. No one from the BPO industry.", he finally said.

My jaws dropped.

"Eh sino na lang natira?"

Honey, I'm Home

The moment the plane landed in Manila, I just wanted to grab my bag and rush out of it. No, I am not one of those people who'd unfasten their seat belts before the plane stops and neither am I the type who'd turn on their phone before the plane halts. In other words, hindi ako epal. But, since I have been already traveling for more than twenty four hours, I just wanted to get it over with and continue with my life again.

The ride was not that bad - it was actually quite pleasant. Korean Air was an okay plane - it was not Singapore Airlines but it was okay. The food on was surprisingly far from the usual airline blah and the service was good - trust Asians when it comes to service galore. Yes, there were Pinoys which made it extra special and annoying at the same time. Pinoys you see can be awfully invasive of your privacy. I remember I almost had to tell my entire life story thrice after being prodded by several kababayans who were also coming home. Buti na lang, sanay ako sa interviews. Artista eh.

Walking towards the baggage claim carousel, I felt different. I was no longer the same person coming home. I knew the place but it felt like it was different. I started walking faster. I just wanted to get to my hotel room, take a quick shower and start living. And then I came across this: "Maligayang Pagdating Mahal Naming OFW!" - the electronic billboard one sees just before one enters the Philippine immigration area. I seriously got goosebumps. Yes, I was now officially an overseas Filipino worker.

It was not that bad, really. After all, I am Filipino and I work overseas. My dollars (or at least some of it) are still being sent back to the Philippines and support the local economy which in turn..., blah blah. Sorry, that was the ekonomista in me talking. OFW talaga ko, period so kelangan nyo ko i-libre pag nakita nyo ko. Hehe.

So there I was at the airport arrival area with my two pieces of luggage, some Philippine money exchanged for a very low rate and an overpriced local SIM card waiting for my overpriced airport service. I was back home. Finally.

The trip from the airport to the hotel was surreal. Yes, much like how Julia Roberts puts it, it was surreal but nice. The driver took the same route as what I had grown accustomed to in my years of traveling and it sort of freaked me out. Was I just coming from another trip abroad? Was this any other ride back home? Everything felt like a dream sequence. And yes, I knew I was in a dream when I saw Piolo's billboard by EDSA.

It was at that moment when I finally said to myself:

"Honey, I'm home."

Blogger's Note: Sorry, I could not find a copy of that billboard online. I promise to take a picture when I pass by the area again soon.

Sleepless

Last night, I was sleepless in DC. I refused to go to bed to force my body clock to shift to Manila time, fast. I knew I still had it in me. It was just there, lurking. But even without sleep, I was happy. It was probably the longest time we've spent on the phone. Again.

Now I am sleepless in Korea. I almost had no sleep throughout the fourteen-hour flight. I felt restless. Maybe it was the coffee or maybe the reality that I will be back in Manila again very soon has finally hit me. I just wish there was someone interesting on the plane. Sadly, there was none. Ugh.

In a few hours, I will be sleepless in Manila. And yes, after a quick shower, I will debut in Bed, sleepless.

Status: Boy Toy

"Hey Tristan, I'll pick you up from your apartment in 20 minutes.", he told me over the phone.

"Uhmm yeah, I'll be ready by then."

I lied. I was not ready. I was still in my underwear. I quickly chose a shirt and put on a pair of pants and a sweatshirt. I looked like a college boy. The minutes passed and I heard my phone ring.

"Mr. Tan, there's someone at the front desk for you, may I please send him up?", the concierge asked.

"Yes, thank you.", I replied.

I opened the door and yes, it was him. He looked like he's off to another meeting. Haha. He kissed me on the lips. I was caught by surprise.

"So what do you wanna eat?", he asked.

"I am not the picky eater... you decide.", I replied.

You see, he's vegetarian (no fun!) so steak houses are definitely out. We eventually found ourselves at this nice Thai restaurant. I ordered the nicest curry on the menu. He ordered something else. In between bites, we laughed. He looked at me the way he looked at me then - much like the first time.

"So Tristan, why do you like bad boys?", he asked.

I laughed.

"Because they're fun."

He laughed,

"Well, I'm not a bad boy.. but, I can be..."

"Nah, you're a good guy who's probably way too good for me... even if you tried.", I said.

He laughed.

"Yeah, I guess I am..."

I think he got the point or so I thought. When the bill came, I, of course, expected to pay my share - as I always do. He wouldn't let me. Again. I demanded that I pay. I even put on my "you-have-to-let-me-pay-or-else" look but I think he only thought it was cute. He still refused to hand me the bill.

"Thank you.", I finally said.

He just smiled at me.

"You know what... you'd have to let me pay at some point."

I was really stubborn. This time, he laughed.

"It's not necessary Tristan. I'll take care of it."

"For my own sanity... please?", I said.

"Tristan, you're my boy toy... I'll take care of it."

At that point, I was speechless.

Finally, It's Over!

I survived Valentine's Day.

Yes, I am still breathing and no, I did not attempt to commit suicide. I did however imagine how much it would hurt if I fell off my balcony but, that's just about there is to it. I was also quite surprised with myself - I did not end up being bitter about the whole love day. It was just like any ordinary day. And, I did not wear black. I think it's just too vulgar to intentionally wear black on Valentine's to drive home a point.

Since it was a Saturday night, I went clubbing. After my fifth glass of vodka cranberry, I was wasted and dancing like crazy on stage. It was fun to be surrounded by good looking people. Unfortunately, everywhere I looked, there were couple kissing, hugging, groping - you get the drift - and I am no superhuman. I must admit, I somehow felt frustrated seeing happy couples doing couple things. Nakakainggit lang. But, what can I do? If I don't have it, I don't have it, period. There's no point in sulking.

And no, I did not buy the "don't-worry-there-are-people-who-love-you, i.e.-your-friends-family" crap. Christmas is a family holiday. Thanksgiving and New Year's may be spent with friends but Valentine's is for lovers. And since, I don't have one, Valentine's was not applicable to me.

The day after Valentine's Day, however, is a different story.

"Hi Tristan, I wanted to talk to you about my trip to Manila in March. I told you I could make it happen. If you're free tomorrow, do you think I could take you out to dinner so we can talk?"

My Very Own Planet Romeo

I used to have a Guys4Men profile much like many gay-Pinoys online and yes, it has already become a Planet Romeo account. Coming to the States, it was rendered practically useless. You see, that site is Europe and Philippines combined and very few guys in the States have them. In fact, where I am at, there are only 541 active profiles and out of this number, half would be above my threshold age, a quarter of the remaining would be bottoms and only a handful can be considered potential.

Anyway, since I will be in Manila very soon, I decided to check my account again, for old time's sake. Nobody loves me anyway. Haha. I changed my profile, updated my picture and posted my travel date. I smiled watching how many emails came through in just a few days. I shook my head in dismay upon seeing many of the hits I received - some were from potential candidates while some were just plain funny.

As it turns out, many of my hits are possible money-boys, a major turn off. A lot of them are effeminate bottoms in search for love online, on a gay sex site no less! Love really moves in mysterious ways... Haha. While some lived in their own fairy tales - they honestly believe that they are extremely good looking. I shudder at the thought of even replying to their messages.

Looking back at some of the messages I have received so far made me remember why I stopped using this site:

"Hi Tristan,good day to you! How ARE YOU?Im 27 yrs.old,5'4,110 lbs.mascular and smooth body.How about you?"

To which I wanted to reply:

"Oh, it's nice to know that you are mascular. I bet you have really nice mascels."

And there's this one who's probably Ms. Pampanga - Congeniality:

"try pampanga theres a lot of nice places here and if yu want i can show you around..... i used to leave in ortigas before but i choose to stay here in pampanga and haved the simple life..."

Relatedly, another Ms. Congeniality:

"hi. how are you? hope to see u here in philippines. i will be glad to meet u... and i will assure you that u will enjoy accompanying with me.. i can show u around...and more"

I'm quite intrigued by the more part. Maybe I should meet up. But, there's another one from the land of the sili.

"here in philippines in southern luzon albay region 5"

And there's another one:

"hey this is my facbook-----_________@yahoo.com. friendster --- www.frindster.com/_____ PM me if u are intereted."

I think he got me at "facbook". I could just imagine how "intereted" I'd be when I see his "frindster".

Of course, we have those guys who could barely spell out words correctly - text speak still drives me crazy:

"yo. zup? number? txtx"

And then there's this one wants to see my ass in person only because, at that time, my ass was posted online.

"hi i want to see you n person pls"

But, my most favorite are the simple-tons:

"helo im gay frm mnla but very simply me.. can i make freind with you.."

"hello..u seem to be nice..i hope we cud be friends..can we be?? i am a very simple person."

"hi, I'm ____ from Manila. simple person here, you?"

Honey, beyond my hair wax, there is nothing simple about me. I don't do simple, period.

Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou my Romeo?

The Notes

I was going through my stuff earlier today when I came across a handwritten note from someone from the not-so-distant past. Seeing it again made me remember what I had been through with him. It gave me goosebumps. It read:

"Thanks for everything. I'll see you soon. =)"

If only people really mean what they say, the world would be a much better place.

***

That particular note reminded me of another note that I had prepared fairly recently. I needed a line that would accompany a gift for someone. I had an idea of the message I wanted to convey but I did not have the right words. For someone who writes regularly, this was a disaster - an extreme case of writer's block. After a few days of thinking it through, I found some words that sounded good together. I repeated it in my head - over and over - until it sounded perfectly... until I got what I wanted - the perfect note.



It took me exactly three days to get the words correctly. It's so embarrassing, I know but, there were real implications attached to the words that I were to use only because I mean what I say, always.


I wanted it to be the perfect message for someone special. I wanted him to feel special. It had to be simple yet very personal, handwritten, of course. It had to be legible. It needed the right strokes - manly but not too rigid - curvy but not too gay. I wanted my note to reflect the future without sending a desperate vibe. I planned for it to appear hopeful without trying too hard. Only because the note was actually a wish - my wish for us. It was that important.


Nobody has seen the note other than the person who eventually received it. Nobody knows this story. Nobody knows how much of myself I had put in into that one single line. Nobody knows this, until now.


The note, written by hand, on a 2x2 orange post-it pad attached to a box with the world in it read:

"I look forward to seeing the world with you".

***

I am not expecting to receive anything this Valentine's Day - no notes, no nothing - and neither am I planning to send anyone anything. But, if I were, it would probably read:

"I still look forward to seeing the world with you".

Kumag

Remember Kumag?

Yes, he was one of the boys I left behind in Manila. Little did I know that he had developed something for me over the last two years that we've hung out. But, that's an old story. We have, however, remained good friends. We'd still chat from time to time so we've been quite updated with each other's lives.

Recently, he has been online more often than usual and he'd always be the first one to send me a message. Today was a little special - he invited me to view his webcam. He still looked the same - cute pa din. He said he was in school waiting for his next class. We started with the usual banter which led to some plans. It was going well but something was bothering me. I just had to ask the question.

"Kumag, may boyfriend ka na?"

Silence. He looked serious on camera. I had my po-po-poker face on.

"Bakit mo tinatanong?", he asked.

"I just want to know."

Silence. I maintained my po-po-poker face.

"Yeah, meron."

I did not know what to say. I tried to hide what I felt - I felt a little sad. My little kumag had already moved on. I pretended not to care. I continued chatting with him, smiling from time time, even. He then showed me his boyfriend's picture. Naman.

"Well then... goodluck senyo...", I told him.

"O bakit goodluck?", he asked.

"Eh ano sasabihin ko, congratulations?"

I faked a laugh. He must have felt that I wasn't being myself.

"Wag kang magtampo ka sakin Tristan. Wala naman akong itinago sa yo eh... saka wala naman tayo pinag-usapan..."

He was right. I was unable to reply.

"Oo, mahal kita pero asan ka? Di ba bigla ka na lang umalis? Ano gusto mo gawin ko?"

Whoa. Where did that come from? But again, he was right. It was indeed selfish of me to expect people to stay the same. I know that I am not the same person, too.

"I understand kumag, it's okay. I'd just see you when I get home. Paalam ka ah."

I must admit, I still have some hang ups over my old (and more exciting) life in Manila but, things have changed. I have changed. Everyone has moved on, myself included and it's time to leave the past behind. My upcoming trip will end it.

Questions and Answers

A friend needed help with his thesis on blogging and since, I am gonna answer it anyway, I just decided to post it here na lang - parang Formspring lang, di ba. Hehe. If you write in English and you have time to spare, please check this out and do the needful.

***

Name: Tristan Tan
Blog URL: www.tristantales.com
Age: 29 (but turning 25 soon)
Gender: M
Educational Attainment: Post Grad
High School: Isko
College: Isko

Why did you start blogging?

I led a very exciting life in Manila so I had a lot of stories to tell. A blogger friend suggested that I write my tales - so I did. There was no turning back since.

How long have you been blogging?

One year and five months. But, it feels like forever.

Why did you choose to blog in English?

I thought I had a problem writing in Filipino.

What is the nature of your blog?

It was a gay sex blog to begin with. I tell my sex stories and that was it. I never thought that I'd be writing on other things as well. These days, I write about sex, love, romance. I also rant, every now and then but, hey, who doesn't? I almost never write about work.

How many blogs do you maintain?

Two. This one and another emo blog for occasional ultimate heartbreak posts.

How often do you read other people's blog?

Daily. But, I keep a very streamlined list.

Do you keep track of your followers? How many followers do you have?

Yes, I do have a tracker. I have 171 public followers. I am sure there dozens more lurking in the shadows.

Do you comment on other blogger's grammar?

Sometimes. If it's really really bad, I don't even bother reading it.

In the last six months, what is the average number of comments you receive per post?

This blog is not comment-driven, meaning I don't write to generate comments. I can say I get at least 5 comments per post.

Do you receive comments/criticisms about your writing style and grammar?

I do. There used to be this blogger who dissects (edits) other peoples' writing. I think that was useful.

Do you receive comments/criticisms about your choice of words?

Not really. I think people who read me already know that to expect so they are rarely surprised by my choice of words. As a personal rule, I rarely use big words (and I know this is relative but you get the drift...). I ensure that I write in simple and conversational English.

Do you receive comments/criticisms about the relevance of your chosen post topic?

Not really - the relevance of my posts to other peoples' lives is not a primary consideration. People who read me are aware that this blog is about me so my posts are only relevant to me. If some people are able to identify with or relate to what I write then so be it. But, people will always have something to say about what I write and that's where the comments/criticisms come in.

If so, do you take them into consideration or do you give the leave-me-alone-this-is-my-blog-i'm-gona-write-what-i-want-to-write attitude?

This question does not necessarily relate to the one before it but, I think I understand what you mean.

I wish I could ignore what other people say but, truth is, I can't write about anything without feeling that what I write would and could have an effect on some people. What I write also reflects on me and I hate being judged for the fraction of me that I share online. So, I try to strike a balance between TMI and honesty.

Has your writing style changed since you started blogging? In what way?

Yes. I used to feel less confident with my story-telling skills. I think I have become better at this compared to when I was just starting. The writing styles has improved as well. I can now write from different perspectives and using different techniques.

I Remember the Boy

I was browsing through old posts when I came across someone's dead blog. Wherever it is, may it rest in peace. It was his blog... As far as the blogger is concerned, it has been almost a year since our lives have intertwined - a lot has happened since. Needless to say, I was reminded of the boy but, the thing is, I barely know him anymore. Truth is, I don't really know him, period.

I can't even remember the hurt, I just remember the boy and who he was a year ago. I think I must have finally gotten over it. Congratulations to me. I don't cringe anymore when I see his name. I don't freak out when I remember what happened. I still dream of him from time to time - don't ask me how but I do - and that's just about there is to it. Probably, because we never got to meet.

A year after all the drama, I think I have become a different person. I have learned to somehow separate my online alter ego from my offline person. I have learned how to stop typing what I think (and feel) all the time. I have learned to hold back. I have learned to think before saying anything. I finally understood self-restraint - somehow. I have minimized drama (minimize, not eliminate). I also learned how to live for the moment - that I cannot always plan for the future.

I learned that karma is indeed digital. I learned that we do not always get what we want. I learned that love is a two-way street. I learned that love is not always enough. I learned that some stories do not have happy endings. I learned that there are no shortcuts to friendship - no matter how much you claim that you will be friends forever. I learned that the truth has an expiration date. I learned that I could really keep the secrets worth keeping.

I have become less trusting - which, for me, is a good thing. I have been more realistic when it comes to expectations. I have become less confrontational. I learned to accept that, most of the time, good things never last. I learned that the best way to get over someone is to shut up and deal with things by yourself. I learned that I am much stronger than I think I am.

Since I am just about ready to board a homebound plane, I can't help but wonder if we'd finally be able to meet. I am not counting on it - and maybe it would never happen in this lifetime but, it would sure be nice to catch up over a friendly cup of coffee.

Hey Bad Boy, what do you think?

Still Addicted

"Oist, Tristan..."

"Uy, Adik... wassup?", I replied.

"Lapit ka na umuwi ah..."

"Yeah... I'll be staying at (insert name of hotel) pala while I'm there."

"For a month?"

"Yup. But, I'll be in and out of the metro. Pero, I reserved it for a month."

"Makikitulog ako minsan ah..."

"Oo naman...", sagot ko sabay tawa.

Silence.

Yes, I can still remember Adik. I can still recall how he tried to hide his tears the night before I left. He was the last boy I met before I left Manila and yes, he was special.

"Oist adik, ano pala gusto mo pasalubong?", I asked.

Silence.

"O wag ka na mahiya...", I urged him.

He changed the topic. But, I wanted to find out what he wanted. Makulit ako eh. I don't want to bring anything for him that he won't like. Sayang ang effort.

"Hindi nga, seriously, ano gusto mo from here?"

Silence.

"Ikaw."

At ako ay biglang nagsuklay ng mahaba kong buhok. Haha.

Love, Lust and Life Lessons (Part 2)

I just found out that one of my classmates from law school was found dead in his car yesterday. He was shot in the head. It was not exactly the happiest Facebook update of the day. Needless to say, the news caught me by surprise. It sent shivers down my spine. I seriously got goosebumps all over. I felt weak.

Looking at all the facebook messages left on his account, I can tell that he had lots of friends. I felt a tinge of sadness reading the messages of love from friends and acquaintances alike. His last facebook update was done over the weekend, he was playing Mafia Wars, I think. Who would have thought a few days ago that, a few days later, he would die a tragic death? But he did and now he's gone.

Death often brings a renewed appreciation of life - people find themselves rethinking the way they live their lives - and this includes me. Personally, I try to be happier. I try to live a happiness-driven life. It has been working well for me so far so I thought that I share some tips here, for whatever it's worth:

1. Stop counting calories. You'll die counting. You know what's good for you. You know the bad. Make sure that you get a fair share of both. Every now and then, drink regular soda and scrap the zero; choose crispy pata over salad.

2. Age is just a number. This year, I will be celebrating my 5th 25th birthday. Weight is another number. Your waistline is another. Shoe size is another. These numbers are good to know but life is more than that.

3. Get to know more people. Smile and say hello.

4. Don't over-think things. If it makes you happy, you must be doing the right thing. If not, at least you're happy.

5. Love like it's your first time.

6. Cry if you feel like it. I just found out that it's more difficult to cry when one is outside during winter.

7. Sing in the showers. Dance in the streets... in the club... anywhere if you feel like it. Dance as if the whole world is watching (this only works for extroverts like me... hehe)

8. Say what you feel. If you're hurt, say it. When you're jealous, explain why. When you're in love, say it. Otherwise, and as Julia Roberts once said, the moment may just pass you by.

9. Apologize for your mistakes, only if you feel that you made a mistake.

10. Clarify relationships. Labels are necessary. No greys. No undefined relationships please.

11. Always ask. No assumptions. No what ifs. Just ask.

12. Speak from the heart, always. Well, try to speak from your head while at work. Haha.

13. Kiss and kiss like you mean it. Close your eyes and kiss and forget that a person's mouth is really really (scientifically) dirty. With this declaration, I am changing my position on kissing. I kiss now. Who wants to kiss? LOL.

14. Do one thing differently every single day. Change your route to work. Change the coffee order. Change lunch plans. Change the shirt and tie combination. Change the shampoo - body wash - facial wash routine. Monotony will make you miserable.

15. Try everything once and make sure you get your picture taken.

16. Dress as if you have the money. Buy clothes that make you feel good - even if it costs a lot of money. No amount of money can ever make you feel good. And yes, do not be afraid of reds, oranges, purples, greens and yellows. Color is good for you. Wearing colored pants is a different story, of course.

17. Make time for yourself at least once a week. Be a sloth. Don't take a bath (well, this doesn't work for me). Watch TV the whole day (then take a bath). Jerk off.

18. Get drunk. Get wasted. It's fun blacking out once in a while.

19. Tell your story. People might find stuff that they can use in their own lives.

20. Listen to (or read) other people's stories. You will learn stuff that you don't know.

Time is indeed very short. Try to be happy. Unless, of course, you'd rather be dead.

The Irony of It All

"Dear bakit ka malungkot?", my lady friend asked me over lunch.

"Ha?", I pretended not to hear her.

"Naho-homesick ka na ba?", she asked.

"Di ba uuwi ka na?", she continued.

I felt my face warm up. I wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted to open up. But, it was lunch. No one goes emo over lunch. I laughed it off.

"Your eyes look sad... kitang kita sa mata mo na malungkot ka...", she explained.

And she was right. I hid everything behind a fake smile. I faked it again.

***

Over lunch, my friend was complaining to me how being in a possible long-distance relationship with her newfound boytoy would challenge her wits. She claims that she cannot do long-distance relationships. She's also thinking of ending it before it even starts. She plans on denying herself the chance to be happy because she is afraid of losing whatever it that they have, eventually. She is scared that distance will kill whatever they have. At that point, I seriously considered (wo)man slaughter. Haha.

I listened intently as she tells me the story of how their weekend "escapade" turned out to be one of the best trips of her life. Oh how I loved seeing her giggle as she recounted each and everything that happened in those three short days together. I saw her smile every time she remembers the guy she was with. I loved how she managed to fall in love over and over again with every story. Again, (wo)man slaughter. Haha.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), my dear friend is unaware of my story. She barely knows what I have been through recently - probably because I have kept mum about it. I wanted to tell her that she should remain hopeful that things do turn out for the better. I wanted to tell her to keep on trying to make it work - that she should not give up. I wanted to tell her that distance can be transcended - even if that means I'd have to eat my own words. I wanted to tell her that she should stop thinking about the future and start living for today. I wanted to share in her happiness. But, I could not.

***

"Dear, what's wrong with you?", she asked me again.

Silence.

"Alam mo dear, dito sa Amerika, mahirap mag-isa.", was all I could come up with.

She looked at me and wondered what the hell I was talking about. I did not even bother to explain. I just faked another smile.

***

Some people take relationships for granted.

The funny thing is that those who are coupled up are often the ones who are always trying to get out of it. And sadly, those who find themselves alone are often those who do not deserve to be alone in the first place.

Such is the irony of life.

***

If only to end this post on a happy note, I am confirming that I am coming home a couple of weeks from now, for a month. Please clear the stage, I'll be dancing front and center.

I'll see you all in Bed.

Adobo Therapy

Full moon ba? Everything was so off this weekend. Isa lang ang tumama - my adobo. Finally, nakuha ko na din ang tamang timpla ng adobo. I cook without a recipe all the time so iba iba din ang lasa ng niluluto ko especially my adobo. Ang weird kasi ang lasa nun depends on my mood: minsan maalat, madalas maasim. Minsan bitter, sometimes spicy. Nakatikim ka na ba ng kinakakabahang adobo? LOL. But, yesterday's adobo was just perfect. Gumamit na ko ng recipe - my own recipe pero measured na. Naging scientific adobo na sya.

Stressed kasi ako lately so binuhos ko lahat ng sama ng loob sa ulam. Malandi daw kasi ako. Ayan, napagalitan tuloy... I felt like a kid being castigated for playing in the rain. And it sucked. I normally don't care what other people think but the people who got turned off by my latest pokpok post were people who mattered. At dahil medyo tinamaan ako sa judgement na binato sa kin (at natameme ako...), Napaisip ako ng bonggang bonnga. I found myself smoking a stick of Vogue (yung malanding manipis na yosi from Manila na bigay lang sa kin ng officemate ko, promise.) while my adobo was simmering in the kitchen. So ayun, may I smoke ako on my balcony while thinking of what I've done wrong.

The smell of food cooking in the kitchen somehow calmed my nerves. Kahit hindi ko pa kakainin yung niluto ko, I felt a little better. I felt like I was at home again. Medyo na-relax ako. My conscience has been killing me kasi. The same conscience that helped rationalize that, as a single gay guy in the city, I can do whatever I want. Ang akala ko kasi, sa pagtatapos ng isang undefined na relasyon, tapos na din ang responsibilidad kong maging isang mabuting tao na kapita-pitagan. Hindi pala. I channeled Homer Simpson. Napa - "Doh" ako. My wondeful conscience kasi disregarded the fact that some people might be affected by what I do and write about. Oo nga naman pala... some people still care for me like the care bears. Meron pa din naman pala na nagpaplano sa kagandahan ko. May nagmamahal pa din maskipaps.

I just wish life had its own recipe - tamang timpla ng sweetness, exact measure ng drama at saya, a dash of tear, a pinch of struggle and a sprinkle of landi to make things extra special. I hope I can master it before it's too late. In the meantime, I'd just partake of my perfect adobo while making muni muni of so many things. Hay, what a way to start the month!

And yes, I am sorry.