You've Got To Be Kidding Me

I almost died.

Today, I went to the gym, as usual, and I was so excited. Himala no? Naeexcite na ko sa gym ngayon. I am now becoming my usual self. Pretty soon, isang matinding pag-ganda na naman ang magaganap. Anyway, I checked the aero schedule earlier and I saw something that excited me more: cardio boxing. Wow, napangiti ako. Taebo ito and yes, I love Taebo. In fact, dun ako pumayat ng bonggang bongga years ago - when I was at the peak of my career. Haha.

So may I skip and hop ako to the gym after work. May I change ako into my gym clothes and wear my motivational gym shoes. I noticed the same people there - ang sarap pa din nila. Pero, deadma silang lahat today. Today, I was destined to do some cardio boxing. Ang garang pakinggan d ba? Today, ilalabas ko lahat ng galit ko sa mundo, sa ibang tao, sa mga taong nanakit sa kin, sa mga taong sinisira ang buhay nila sa mga walang kwentang bagay, sa mga taong ang tingin sa kin eh pokpok. Ah basta, you get the drift. Bottomline, madami akong galit na kelangan ilabas. Yun na.

Anyway, so may I silip ako sa cardio room. There were a couple of white guys, a muscular black guy and a Latino trainer. Taebo nga ba ito? Then I saw a couple of girls and a lesbo. Napakunot ang noo ko and finally naconvince ko na ang sarili ko that I was in the right class. Pumasok ako ng room at nilapitan ang trainer na nakita ko na ang pic online. Pogi sya, in fairness at eto sya:



So may I lapit naman ako. Pakendeng-kendeng. Mga walangya, shempre hindi. Pamintang buo ang lolo nyo. Naman.

"What class is this?", kunyari tanga lang.

"Cardio boxing...", he replied.

He sensed fear and excitement in my eyes.

"Do you think I'll survive this one?", pa-cute kong tanong.

He looked at me in the eyes and said:

"No..."

Kinabahan ako. Sabay bumawi at tapik sa balikat ko.

"But, you'll be fine..."

Nanghina ako. O sige na nga. Go na. Go lang ng go! Sabi nya magsuot daw ako nung ribbon.

"Sa ulo?", tanong ko sa sarili ko.

Hindi pala. Sa wrist. Aba malay ko. Tinuruan nya ko. Shempre bobo lang hindi ko alam kung paano. Nadelay ang class. Pero natatawa lang sya. Matyaga ang mama. Tinuruan ako hanggang nagkaroon ako ng gloves.

"Taebo pero full battle gear?", ang tanong ko sa sarili ko.

It was already too late when I realized what I had gotten myself into.



to be continued...

Heaven Is A Place On Earth

Blogger's Note: I promise, this is still a wholesome post.

***

I love my gym. I now understand that it's not the facilities that make me want to go work out - rather it's the people. You see, I used to have a gym in my old apartment and, as evidenced by the few extra pounds that I have gained since I came here, I barely used it. Haha. There were very few people that use it and they were mostly single ladies (uh oh uh oh uh oh) of a certain age and men of a certain profile (read: old and unattractive). My new gym is young, trendy and is uber-flowing with hot guys. It was there where I met this gym bunny.

Gym bunny is a white guy - blond hair, blue eyes, lean physique. He's a typical college boy in the US - well, at least in this part of the world. Since I have been in the gym everyday for the last week or so, I always get to see him in various levels of undress. Once, in undies. A couple of times in the nude in the steam or sauna. Many times, in clothes, running on the treadmill or lifting some weights. We have never gone beyond the usual nods and "how are you's". Until recently.

That night, I had to drag myself to the gym. I was so tired from work and all I wanted to do was to go home, grab some dinner and go to bed. Cardio was the last thing on my agenda and lifting weights was on my "most undesirable things to do list". I was doomed. But, I had to go. I felt I needed to. It was something I owed to myself. I was finally able to get my @ss to the gym and chose my usual locker. I ran into gym bunny on my way to the towel area.

I decided to do my usual routine. After an hour on the floor, I was exhausted. I then decided to hit the showers and the steam room. Gym bunny was there too. Again, he was in the nude. I tried my best to not look at his ding dong which looked so delightful. But, I was to be wholesome (remember?) so I chose to look away. People were coming in and out of the steam room but gym bunny remained resilient. After a few more minutes, I felt that I was already hungry so I decided to finally take a quick shower and get dressed.

While I was getting dressed, I noticed gym bunny drying himself off behind me. Apparently, his locker was directly across mine. I am not sure but I think I may have checked him out a little more that I should. He finally smiled at me. I turned around and quickly got my bag from the locker. I dropped my towel, took out my undies from the bag and wore it as quickly as I could. It was at that point when I realized one thing: oh no, my undies. I felt chills all over my body. I heard a muted giggle. I looked behind me and there was Gym Bunny grinning. He finally said:

"It seems that heaven is not that far away."

I looked at him and smiled.

"It sure isn't."

Thanks to my undies*, we finally broke the ice.



*Boxer briefs from Bench: white with green piping and a big "HEAVEN" sign printed at the back - big enough to catch attention. There you go. Behind pics to follow.

I'd Rather

Please don't kill me.

I am grateful. I really am. It's such a sweet gesture and I really appreciate it. Seriously. I even smiled. I could not even stop myself from expressing my gratitude. But, I was not quite sure if I was sincere enough. God, I wish I was.

Sadly, I know myself - I am as transparent as bottled water. I am as clear as the smog-free sky. People can see through me, most of the time. I am a very bad liar. I am an even worse actor. But, the thing is... how do I say this without hurting anyone's feelings...

The thing is, I'd rather be nude.

Blogger's Note: Today, my boss gave me a batik shirt. The last time, it was a Cambodia-made silk tie. I wore it at work to show how much I appreciated the gesture. But, how can I possibly wear a batik shirt? Heaven help me.

Wholesome

Wholesome.

Wholesome muna ko this week. I had first planned for an unannounced blog holiday but it was just too much to ask of me. Mag-isa na nga lang ako dito, maghoholiday pa ko? Baka naman ikabaliw ko na yun. So instead, I promised myself to not do three things this week.

No chorva chorva (aka sex) this week. I will not engage in any chorvahan if only to make me feel less dirrrty. Hayaan na lang muna natin yung iba na nagmamadumi na kumuha ng airtime. Nakakapikon na din kasi na some people think na pokpok ako. Hindi ako pokpok dahil libre naman ako. Hindi din ako pokpok dahil minahal ko naman silang lahat. Choz. Haha. So yun. Sa Easter na lang ako mag-egg hunt at mind you, iba't ibang kulay ang eggs dito. Hehe.

At para mas mahirap gawin ang naunang pentiensya, I will not miss gym this week. Everyday ang drama ko sa gym - sayang naman ang trainer kung hindi susulitin. Besides, I go there to make pawis not to make landi. I am not landi kaya! Bahala na si Batman kung paano ko ire-resist ang mga poging nakabandera ang kagandahan ng kanilang katawan at nakabuyangyang ang mga sausages of all shapes and sizes. Buti na lang, malinis ako and the farthest I have gone to making landi in the gym is to smile and say hi. Choz!

At dahil a-ultimate sacrifice na ito. Todo na. Hindi ako lalandi this week. Wag nyo ko landiin, please... dahil tao lang ako at hindi ako bato. I will most likely give in. Haha. And speaking of malalandi, salamat nga pala sa mga new students ko. Jusko, hindi ko akalain na tataas ang class size ko the moment I announced my program at considering the consecutive pokpok posts ko lately. Hindi pa ba kayo natu-turn off? Just remember, hindi na ito search for true love and happily ever after - ayoko na muna. Napaso na ko. So there.

So help me God.

Here Comes the Slut

I was FINALLY on the phone with some blogger earlier. It took a while but, he probably felt that it was finally the right time to do the right thing. Haha.

It was fun getting to know the person behind the blog. I even got a flavor of some of his upcoming posts - lasang titi, actually. Haha. I remember laughing the whole time. Nakakatuwa sya. He made my day, seriously. Iba na talaga ang may head start!

Anyway, during the course of the rather dirrrrty conversation, he made a statement that somehow stuck with me as I finished up Spring shopping. He said:

"Ang mga pokpok hindi pwedeng magkaboyfriend..."

Or something to that effect.

I remember feeling confused right after he said those words. I was at a loss - I wanted to make a quick rebuttal. I wanted to argue for true love, happily ever after, and love transcending impressions and past lives. But, I was, for a second, speechless. Ako speechless? Naman. Nakakatawa kasi I remember that I was blabbering half the time on the phone - half lang kasi madaldal din sya. I finally came up with a fairly decent response:

"Naive lang ba talaga ko?".

He said yes. Hayuf!

Even as I was trying on my now-recently-bought motivational pair of running shoes, what he said on the phone kept on reverberating in my head. Could it be true? Can this be love? Err... totoo nga kaya ang theory ng loko na hindi nagkakaboyfriend ang mga pokpok? I asked myself the same questions over and over again.

As I handed out my card to the counter lady, I had already formed another question in my head:

"Masarap nga kaya talaga sya?"

Haha.



Blogger's Note: Sabi nga ni Anne Curtis as Celine Magsaysay in Maging Sino Ka Man, "I may be a slut but, I'm the best slut in town". Ditto.

The Valedictorian

It was another humid day in Manila. The sun had finally set and many people were already on their way home from work. I was there, waiting. I chose the meeting place - it was at a coffee shop near my hotel. It had to be close. It had to.

The day before I sent him a message:

"I'll be here until Friday. Wanna meet up for coffee or something, preferably something?"

I also left a number. I wanted to cut to the chase. After a couple of hours, I received a text message.

"Hi Tristan. Coffee would be great."

I laughed. He just wanted coffee. It was fine. I knew I just wanted to meet him and I was really not looking to hook up. This time, I was the fan.

***

I ordered a banana mango shake and lit a cigarette while I waited for him. He had just sent me a text message telling me that he was already nearby. I told him what I was wearing so that he'd spot me from afar. As if my head dress was not big enough! And I waited. I waited for a while until suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was him.

I was in shock. He was different. I expected someone older; someone more stocky, bearded. I don't know. It was something about the way he probably writes that made me conjure an image of an older stocky kuya in my head. He was the total opposite. Before me was a boy who had puppy dog eyes and very thin lips. I could not get over his eyes and I made sure he knew. He was moreno and he looked clean. He was very self-conscious and he behaved as if he was not the person behind the blog. Before me was a boy - a boy with so much potential.

I smiled like crazy. I wanted him to feel totally comfortable - and I tried really hard. It sort of showed during the course of the conversation.

"Ganyan ka ba talaga kadaldal sa iba?", he asked.

I laughed.

"Uhmm hindi. Kaya lang, sobrang tahimik mo eh... eh ayoko ng dead air..", I explained.

The truth was, I liked him and I was trying - a little too hard even. And then he started to open up - well without much prodding. Makulit ako e. I asked him about anything and everything that I could think of - short of asking him his favorite color. I found out a lot of things about this boy. But, there was one thing that I just had to tell him.

"Alam mo, kamukha mo ex ko..."

He smiled.

"Wala pa naman akong nakikitang kamukha ko..."

I wanted to browse for my ex's picture but there was none saved on my phone. I gave up. While it may be true that this boy had similar features with the ex, he was a different person - someone I had a certain amount of affinity for. I just had to tell him.

"I think you're cute.", I finally told him.

He grinned like a little boy.

"Thank you...", he said.

I looked at the clock. It was already past nine in the evening. We had just finished with dinner and dessert was no longer necessary.

"Hindi naman tayo nagcoffee...", he told me after realizing that I ordered tea and he ordered a fruit shake.

"Oo nga, okay lang yan...", I told him.

"Eh something?", I asked.

He laughed again. I was confused. I did not know what that laugh meant.

"What time do you need to get home?", I asked him.

"I just need to be home by midnight... para makatulog naman."

For a moment, I closed my eyes and whispered a silent prayer. It was just past nine - two hours would be enough. I did a Tristan.

"Do you wanna hang out at my hotel room?"

His nervous nod told me everything I needed to know. That night, even for a brief moment, I found my spot. His arm, my pillow; his chest, my refuge; and the sound of his breath was the music that lulled me to sleep. It was beautiful.

"Welcome to Tristan Tales, Valedictorian."

Blogger's Note: Sorry, walang clue. Haha. O wag kang maingay ah...

The Graduate

Si Matt.

Reader ko daw sya. Nagpakilala, In-add ako sa YM. At alam naman natin what happens when you add me up. We got to talk. After a few minutes of chatting, we spoke on the phone. Starstruck. Haha. Pero naman, maganda ang boses ng loko. Na-inlove ako. Joke lang. Sa madaling sabi, kinarir ko din ang loko. Ang usapan, magpapadala sya ng picture by MMS. Tapos ako din. Pagkatapos nun, all is fair in love and war na.

Matt is a very smart boy. In fact, na-establish na namin yun when he first decided to send me a message. Matalinong bata. But, I know, deep inside, he was just like many of my readers, naaliw lang sya sa kwento and he felt the need to get to know the person behind the blog. Something that I was okay with. He sounded cute pero mamaya ko na ikukwento kung gaano sya ka-cute. When I first saw his picture, isa lang ang nasabi ko:

"Sir, you're cute."

To which he confidently replied:

"That's why may boyfriend ako."

I rolled my eyes. Ang confident ng loko. I like. I wanted to see how far he would go flirting with me. Besides, he was already enrolled in the Tristan Tales "Love Me" Program. He was on the fast-tracked curriculum. Ano nga ba ang program na ito? Simple lang.

The Tristan Tales' "Love Me" Program is a curriculum designed for ever-so curious boys who are interested in exploring the world with Tristan Tan. It is a four-phase program designed with the student in mind. It starts with a simple message and ends in bed or in flames. Students would learn from Tristan, depending on the level of competency, tips and tricks on flirting, drama and how it impacts on human behavior, humor, and, of course, human anatomy. Graduates of the program have been known to be successful in their respective careers and have become better individuals, post-Tristan. To enroll in the program, you may wish to send the blogger a message through any of the contact information above.

Matt was interested. He knew what he was getting into. In less than two hours, Matt had passed all three phases. The last phase was the most critical phase of the program. We would have to meet. This phase separates the boys from the men. We had planned the meet up days in advanced. I cleared my schedule for his presentation.

"Sorry, I might not be able to make it later...", he texted.

"My boyfriend is already coming home tonight. Sayang hindi ko nabuo ang curriculum", he continued.

I rolled my eyes. Excuses. Excuses. I cancelled his program and moved on with my life. But, Matt had been hooked. He sent me a message a few days later, still apologizing for not showing up. We continued on chatting and it was then when another plan was hatched. It was almost midnight and he said that he could drop by. He and I were separated by only twenty minutes of driving time. The decision was his to make.

"Three minutes, I'm there.", he texted.

I was impressed - he measured time in increments of one minute. Like clockwork, he stood before me. He looked different in person. I did not realize he was that tall and he had a nice built. Mukhang mabango. But, I sensed fear. It was normal.

"Ok ka lang?", I asked while he was sitting in bed.

He laughed.

"Relax. Ako bahala...", I assured him.

One after the other, his clothes fell off. On my bed, he moaned like crazy. And I, I had myself a new graduate. Before he left my apartment, I asked him one final question.

"Do you wanna be on Tristan Tales?"

We now know his answer.

"Congratulations, Matt!"

Heaven

Ang sipag ko kahapon. I posted three blogs, one of which I pulled out. Kung nabasa mo, ang swerte mo. I pulled it out because it was a non-issue. Hindi na kailangan pag-usapan, baka sumikat pa ang mga taong involved.

***

Naulanan ako on my way home from work. Hindi ako nagdala ng payong kahit na alam ko na super accurate ng weather forecasts in this side of the world. Pag sinabing it will rain by six, trust them, it will rain. Naman. So basang basa ako pag-uwi. But, before I went home, I had to make one more stop - my new gym.

I decided to check this gym out before making my final decision. As many of you know, I was a Golden Boy back in Manila. Partida na yan, hindi pa ako taga-Fitness First. Haha. So anyway highway, naturally, I had to check out Gold's in DC. Hindi ko type. Masyadong industrial ang feel na parrrang mabahow. Saka the people who worked out there are very corporate - feeling ko serious seriousan. Pero dahil lumo-loyal ako sa franchise, I decided to make that gym my gym of last resort.

Pero there's this gym that's been creating a lot of buzz in local DC community - Results. Mahal kasi. Maganda naman. At take note, magaganda ang mga tao. Nagbasa ako ng reviews and when I did, I became more interested in checking it out. Bahala na si Batman kung ilang blocks din ang layo ng two locations nila sa bahay ko... I will walk for the sake of! Here are some of the stuff I read:

Do you want to work out in a warehouse filled with flawless gay men, house music and a handful of lesbians? Then Results is the gym for you!

The only down side is how "sceney" it is - people check each other out and wear tight workout "outfits" - but this is mainly the beautiful gay men who make up 90% of the gym's clientele.

I hate the music... I roll my eyes every time I hear some gay dance anthem.

I'd have to say that the worst part about this gym (and this is my personal opinion, mind you) is the social scene: it's out of control. Guys will come to the gym just to stand around and talk to their friends. If I could count the number of times I've seen guys whisper to each other and point across the gym and giggle, I would die counting. Oh, and you should see some of the outfits people wear as "work out" clothes.

At the same time, most people who work out here are fitness models. It's rather intimidating and hard to ignore. But there's no need for gawking, really...

Those words were enough to tickle my imagination. It was so very Queer as Folk! So what's a single gay guy got to do? I decided to check it out. May I walk ako in the rain just to get there - four blocks from work... pede na din. Pagdating ko, I was not disappointed. It was beautiful.

Hardwood floors. High ceilings. Updated work out machines. Towel service. Massage areas. Trendy vibe. Spacious locker and shower areas. They even had a pool and a rock wall or something. And of course, my favorite rooms, the sauna and the steam rooms. It was perfect. But, wait, there's more.

When I arrived, I was asked to be seated while waiting for my membership consultant. And so may I sit naman ako and people-watched. My gosh, the people - the reviews were right. Totoo nga. Ang gaganda ng mga taong nagwowork out. Pero mas maganda sila sa loob ng shower room. Hubo. Hubo't hubad.

It was at that moment when I decided that I was finally home. I looked at my gay membership consultant in the eyes and with one swift motion, I handed him my card and told him,

"I love it here."

Check

I met him online. He was one of the hundreds of people (and yes, I mean hundreds) who had sent me messages in Manila. He looked okay. Maliit lang daw sya, mga 5'6" pero he had a humongous dick. Weh. I had to find out for myself.

Hindi ko naging ugali ang makipagkita sa ibang tao sa place nila. Kaya lagi akong may place. I am not comfortable performing in other people's houses. Ewan ko ba. Maarte lang siguro ako. Or feeling ko lang baka i-video ako at magaya pa ko kay Maricar na power bottom din pala. Haha.

Anyway, that day, mataas na ang araw kahit mga 9 am pa lang. Gutom na nga ako eh pero hindi pa ko makapagbreakfast. Paano ba naman kasi, pag kumain ako, tatamarin na kong gumalaw. Mas masarap kaya maghibernate na lang. Pero he was makulit. Pilit akong hinihila sa papunta sa bahay nya. Tinanong ko kung saan ang bahay nya. Malapit lang. Tatlong kandirit lang mula sa hotel ko. Building ni John Stan. Patay na. Inisip ko na baka recycled goods na ito. Pero, bahala na. Minsan lang naman ako mag-ukay ukay. At least ito, siguradong panalo. Nagbihis ako. Nagtext sya - pahabol.

"Tol, may condom ka ba dyan?", he asked.

"Yeah, magdala na ko - pati lube."

Boy scout yata ito, laging handa. Hindi na ko masyadong nagpaganda. Wala na munang make-up. Maaga pa naman kasi. Naka tsinelas na lang ako na ka-presyo ng sapatos. No, hindi crocs. LOL. So mukha lang mamahaling basahan. Sa gitna ng init ng araw in the city, nagpakendeng kendeng ako papunta sa building nya. At dahil mukha akong mamahaling basahan, the guard stopped me. Hiningi ang pangalan at room number.

"Sir, kay Sherwin (di tunay na pangalan) sa room 15__ (ayan John Stan, madali nang hanapin yan)", ang sagot ko.

Itinawag ni Manong guard. Naghintay ako. Maya maya pa, pinapasok na ko sa five-star condo na to. Jusko - kung makasecurity naman kinabog pa ang Serendra, Haha. Anyway, may I akyat ako ng room. Bitbit ang condom at lube, nagpakendeng kendeng ako sa hallway. Nakita ko ang room. Kumatok ako. Sumilip sya. Napangiti ako. Tama ang desisyon ko.

The door opened and I saw him wearing a towel. Mukhang bagong ligo. Napangiti ako. Lumingon lingon. Wala naman yatang hidden camera. Maliit ang unit nya pero mukhang maayos naman. Bakla nga ata ang nakatira. Malinis ang kwarto. He invited me to take a seat sa may couch. Umupo ako. Binababa ko ang bitbit kong plastic bag. Paglingon ko, bumagsak na ang towel ni kuya.

Wala man lang ad lib dumerecho na ako sa pagkanta.

"This is the moment... damn all the odds..." ang kanta ko.

Napasigaw sya sa tuwa at saya.

"Oo, ligaya ang itawag mo sa kin...", ang bulong ko sa sarili.

Sa sobrang tuwa nya, ang solo naging duet. Ako naman ang napa-shout for joy. Hanggang sa nadinig ko na naman ang madalas na linya:

"Pre, f%ck kita."

Ano ba tong mga boys na to. Ano tingin nila sa kin, cheap? I refused to go down to their level. Ayoko. Ayoko sa couch.

"Sa bed tayo...", ang sabi nya.

Tiningnan ko sya ng mabuti.

"Tol, aircon naman o... ang init eh."

Natawa sya. Tumayo sandali. Binuksan ang aircon. Ayan na. Lumamig na. Nagsimula kami sa kama. Natuloy sa sahig. Malamig ang sahig. Dumerecho sa banyo. Napunta sa kusina. Nakaupo sa sink. Nakatalikod sa table. Bumalik sa sofa. Bumalik ng kama. Punyeta. Ang ganda ng kisame nila. Haha.

Pagkatapos ng mga isang oras na masayang kwentuhan, nakiligo na din ako. Hinang hina ang lolo nyo. Masaya ang naging kwentuhan namin. Marami pala syang kwento. Mahaba ang usapan. Matigas ang paninindigan. Pinoy na Pinoy.

"Pre, kelan ang alis mo?", ang tanong nya sa kin.

Tiningnan ko sya. May check mark na sya sa noo.

"Bukas. Aalis na ko bukas."

Blogger's Note: I told you, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Jet Love

Kahapon habang naglalakad ako pauwi galing opisina, napamura ko. Punyeta. Mag-isa na naman ako. Haha. This is my reality, ika nga. Ganito talaga ang buhay ng isang matandang dalaga sa Amerika. I am not surprised anymore. Kilala ko na ang buhay dito.

Naisip ko nga lahat ng taong nakilala ko while I was on vacation. Napangiti ako. Masarap naman silang lahat lalo na si... pero nasaan na sila ngayon? Wala na din. I guess sa lahat ng natikman ko while I was back home, I am only in correspondence with a couple of people. Tapos na eh. Sila lang yung may lakas ng loob to stay.

So nagfeeling model ako at nag may-I "walk walk fashion baby" na lang ako habang nagmumuni muni. Bakit nga ba ko mag-isa? Why am I alone? Why do I feel alone here? And then I realized, yes, the fact is mag-isa nga lang talaga ko sa States. Now, instead of sulking about why I am alone, I resolved to do something about it. I tried to figure out my options. Wala pala masyado. You see, hindi naman kasi ako malandi sa States - sa Pilipinas lang. Siguro kasi I don't feel like making landi here. Dito, pang true love.

Pero love nga ba ang sagot sa lahat ng kalechehan ko sa buhay dito? Paano kung may love ka na? Paano mo din malalaman kung love nga ba yun? How can one be sure? Paano kung may love ka na tapos na-lost? Paano if you were pushed away? Would you even deny ever falling in love? Or even staying in love?

Andami naman questions so early in the morning. I think simple lang naman ang reason why I am having all these questions so early in the morning.

Jet lag lang ako. Lilipas din to... gaya ng love ko para sa yo.

Paksyet ka.

Beyond Bed

For some weird reason, he liked being around me. He laughed as if I am funniest person in the world; as if I was the coolest. And he made me feel comfortable; he made me feel good about myself. And that's all that matters, at least for the time being.

I met him years ago - when this blog was just starting out. He had something in him; something quite unique but utterly similar to the guy I was flirting with online. He had a past, too. But, he was more secure about it. He was more real.

He and I met one fine afternoon in the city. He dropped by my place, as did everybody else I had a thing with. He arrived wearing a white shirt that hugged his ever so slim body and showed of his built. His pants were so tight that I wondered what it tried to cover. Yes, I was in it for sex. Nothing more, nothing less.

And then we hung out. It was then I found out he was in it for something more. He made clear his boundaries during that meet up. It was something that I respected; something that I have never been given in the past. Sex was never on the agenda. Trust me, I tried - to no avail. I was unsuccessful. He was one of the few people who have refused to engage me in bed even after much prodding. But, we slept together - as if we were a couple. And I must say, it felt good.

I had come to know him even more when I left the country. He would constantly send me nothings online - checking how I am; how I managed. He never failed to say hi, online and on the phone - even for a just a minute. And I, I would laugh every single time he would. He made me feel less lonely. I appreciated him for that. He had become a friend.

When I went home, he was one of the few people I desired to hang out with. He had been involved with a couple of guys, I have been told. But, I am not quite sure why they did not see the good in him. He was after all, a good catch. He was real and he made one feel real. He had this thing going for him - he was a really good person.

We hung out discreetly. Nobody knew that we did. It was all in the privacy of my place and our friendship, lost in the anonymity of the crowd. He and I shared time - something I have come to know as priceless. He gave it to me and he made sure that I felt at home. He was someone I could have considered if only I was there to stay. I made sure he knew.

And yes, the thing that we had long refused to engage in was finally back on the table. It was something I wanted but never demanded. He gave it freely, this time, without hesitation. It was beautiful. We hung out several times after that day - much closer than we'd ever been. I knew him and he knew me. No pretensions. It was just me and him.

On the day we said our goodbyes, he smiled at me like he used to. He had this grin - so genuine and sincere. It was then when I realized that this person treated me the way I deserved. He gave me respect when no one else, including myself, could. He made me feel important. He made time.

My boy blogger probably does not know how much I appreciated him for everything he's done. Or maybe he does. But, I am writing it down anyway so that he'd know. Because, he, of all people, would recognize that this post is for him.

To you, thank you for everything.

Until next time.

Guilty

I had a hunch it was him. I had seen that thing before and I knew whose it was. But, I may be wrong. And so I sent him a message. And he replied. And I replied back. It was a short exchange - enough for me to give my number and him to send me his.

The meeting was set. We were to meet at the lobby of my hotel at exactly six in the evening - when it was already less hot. I understood his reasons perfectly. It had been days since I had arrived in Manila and I was suffering from the sun. No to the seven signs of skin aging, I keep on telling myself. I refused to take on alternative arrangements. I was to prepare for him - just him.

My phone rang. I quickly tried to find it underneath the pile of pillows I had in bed. I was right - he had just sent me a message to confirm his arrival. He will be outside the lobby by the agreed time. Brown shorts and white shirt, so he says. Blue shirt and plaid shorts, I replied. It had been set.

I took the lift down to the lobby. He said that he was waiting for me outside. He was there. I was right, I knew him.

"Uy musta?", I greeted him.

"Hi.", he replied.

He did not recognize me. Had I changed that much? Maybe. I asked him to follow me back to my room. He obliged. A few minutes later, he was already on my bed.

"Ok ka lang?", I asked.

"Yeah...", he replied.

He stood up. We were now face to face. He kissed me on the lips. It felt good. His was the kiss I had come to get to know at one point in the past. He was then only eighteen - it was more than three years ago. He's now almost twenty two.

One by one, his clothes fell off until what remained was his white undies which could barely contain the monster underneath. It was trying to get out of bondage. My hands had a life of its own. Slowly, it made its way to where his cock was. He let out a loud moan. It was just as I remembered it to be.

He made me sit on the corner of the bed. He was already before me. I was his willing victim - at least for the night. As I performed a number, he had suddenly become the person I once knew. I had unleashed the animal within. He was vicious.

"Tol, fuck kita.", he told me.

I pushed him away.

"Later."

He had this puzzled look. He's probably asking himself why would I refuse such a worthy opponent. I had a plan. He was to reach a point when he could not control his inner devil anymore that he'd have to beg. It was a game after all.

Come to think of it, he definitely looked better now - his body now more defined especially his abs. He still had that boyish charm that I first loved when I saw him back then. But now, he was a man. I remember he knew his craft - much as I'd like to think that I have mastered mine. He was my perfect top - and I, I was his willing catcher.

The moans kept on getting louder and louder - from both of us. Until he asked for it again.

"Tol, fuck na kita... please..."

It was only then when I decided that it was time. I opened the bedside drawer. I pulled out a purple pack and the bottle I had brought from the States. It was indeed time. With every push, he'd reach the often unreachable spot. He made sure that I was in pain. Damn the pain. Damn the pleasure it brings. Damn him.

I can feel that he was close. He was gasping for breath. I was too. Damn. I cursed. I cursed like hell. He did, too. With one final push, I felt a sudden gush from inside me. Damn - was that good. We both lied in bed, panting. I was flushed and so was he. He then turned towards me and looked me in the eyes and said:

"Taena, I remember you na 'pre. Tristan from (insert name of my old apartment) right?"

It was then I finally let out a laugh.

"Yes, guilty as charged."

I Am Beautiful 2

I Am Beautiful Part 1

I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one holding my coffee. Pag labas ko ng pinto, lumakad ako sa malapit sa kinauupuan nya. I was just about to take the seat on the other table when I finally heard him say"

"Hi, why don't you join me?"

Napangiti ako. Hindi ko kinaya ang kagandahan ko. Itinali ko ulit ang mahaba kong buhok, pulled out the chair and sat directly across him. Gamit ang madalas na linya, ako ay nagtanong:

"So where are you from?"

Sabay ngiti.

"Turkey."

Ako nga si Rofa. I looked at him while taking a sip at my tall macchiato. I noticed his eyes - they were not blue.

"I love your eyes, I first thought they were blue", ang sabi ko.

"No, they're green.", he replied.

"What's your name?", he asked.

"Tristan, and yours?"

Sinabi nya. Nadisappoint ako, hindi Ylmaz. Pero, for the purposes of this blog, sya na lang si Ylmaz. Sabi nya nasa Pilipinas daw sya kasama ng boss nya. Magtatayo daw sila ng call center either sa Makati at Ortigas. He's 25 and he's very well traveled. Maiksi ang polo nya na suot na medyo tight fitting. Ang laki ng braso, nakakaaliw.

We talked about who we are. Kwentong buhay. Kwentong job interview. Kaso, may schedule pa ko later that afternoon. May imimeet pa kong iba. Hindi booking or so I thought but that's for another day na kwento. Minadali ko ang program nya... I need to know if he's up to it. He gave me a good reason to do so. Napansin yata nya na may konting hair pa sa shirt ko... from my haircut. Hindi pala narinse off lahat nung magpagupit ako.

"You know what, I just live across the street..." ang kwento ko.

"And I need to bring these bags back to my hotel and probably take a shower...", I continued.

I saw his eyes light up. Tuloy tuloy na to.

"Do you wanna hang out at my place for a while?", I asked bluntly.

He smiled. He probably felt embarrassed by how forward I was. I can sense hesitation.

"You know Ylmaz, I'm already leaving for the States and I don't have time to do the chase. Everything is fair game today."

Natawa sya. Hindi nya kinaya. Pero ayaw pa din ibigay ang matamis nyang "OO". Ultra fast-track na ito.

"Ok then. I really have to go back. It was nice meeting you.", I said as I took one last sip on my coffee.

"Wait...", I heard him say as I was about to stand up.

"Do you have music in your room?"

***

I saw the wonder in everybody's eyes when they saw me leave with Ylmaz. I'm sure people have noticed him there for some time now... by himself. Ako lang pala ang mag-uuwi. Habang naglalakad kami, he started asking me about stuff.

"You know I'm gay, right?", I asked him.

"Yeah, I sort of figured that one out when you told me that I had nice eyes."

I laughed.

"I wanted you to know right away.", I kidded him.

Tumawid kami. Pumasok ng hotel. Nakita ako ng mga receptionist. Dedma na lang. Ang gwapo kasi nga ni Ylmaz. Napapatingin lahat ng tao. Pagpasok sa kwarto, tahimik si Ylmaz. Natatakot ata. I tried to make him a little more comfortable.

"Tristan, can we smoke for a while first?"

I laughed.

"Don't tell me you're nervous?"

He nodded.

"Don't be. I won't do anything bad to you... unless you want me to."

He laughed. Apparently, sya pala ang tipo ng tao na kelangan ng "getting to know you" portion before he even starts to consider bedding someone. Parang date lang daw muna. Naman. Hindi naman pwede yun. Sayang ang oras. I was in a hurry. Pero sige na nga, para sa kapakanan ng masang Pilipino, pinagbigyan ko ang hiling ng turista. Kwentuhan muna kami habang nagyoyosi. After a few minutes, he was already becoming comfortable with the whole idea of being in my room.

"This is a first for me...", ang simula nya.

"What do you mean?", I asked.

"I have never met anyone and left with them within the same hour."

Natawa ko.

"Now, I am in this room with you... and I don't know what will happen.", he explained.

"Well, you'd find out soon enough."

***

Before he left my room, he hugged me.

"It's too bad I only met you today."

"Yeah... we could have hung out more.", I told him.

"So I guess you need to pack now?", he asked.

"Yeah... I'll see you around then.", I replied.

"No, that's not the way things should end.", he said.

Naguluhan ako. Ano kaya ito? Si Ylmaz kaya ay isang... holdupper? O kaya callboy? OMFG. Kinabahan ako.

"What's your email address? Let's keep in touch."

Napahiya ako. Mahirap kasing maging masyadong malisyoso. Sinuklay ko ang mahaba kong buhok at sinabi ang email ko. He promised to send me an email when he gets back to his place. I never believed him until I saw a note later that afternoon.

"Tristan, Ylmaz here. Thank you for this afternoon. It was something I will never forget. I hope to be able to come and see you when I go to the States."

Ako na! Ako na talaga si Rofa!

I Am Beautiful

Kakapagupit ko lang nun ng buhok (sa taas) at nagpakulay pa nga din ako. Sa madaling sabi, gandang ganda na naman ako sa sarili ko while walking around the mall. I was waiting for my friends who had asked me out to lunch. I decided to do some shopping muna, as usual. When I got bored, I found myself walking towards the official tambayan sa mall, Starbucks. It was there I saw him.

I lit a cigarette. Smoke smoke. I noticed the guy by the next table - foreigner ang lolo nyo. His eyes were blue at malaki ang kanyang muscles. At dahil likas na malandi ang lolo nyo, nag-smile ako. Nag-smile din sya. Mabilis pala humaba ang buhok sa Pilipinas. Imagine, kakapagupit ko lang, mahaba na naman sya! He looked at me some more. He then stood up and went to my table. Jusko, tanghaling tapat, lalandiin ata ako.

"Hey, do you have a light?", he asked me.

I looked at him, smiled and reached for my malanding lighter from my right jeans pocket. Success. Umusok ang yosi nya. Ako naman, may I smile pa din. He turned around and went back to his seat. It was there when I saw it: may lighter ang lolo nyo sa table nya. He was trying to pick me up. Classic.

Pero dahil malinis ako - actually, dahil gutom na ko at parating na ang mga kaibigan ko, hindi ko sya pinansin masyado. Nilandi ko lang. Ang gwapo eh. He looked Persian - actually, kakalurkey ang lolo nyo. Para syang si Ylmaz. Ako naman si Rofa. Naman.

Dumating ang mga kaibigan ko. Wala na. Bokya na bago ko pa mahingi ang number ni Ylmaz. So may I "walk walk fashion baby work it, move that bitch crazy" lang ako sa harap nya. I smiled. He bid me goodbye. Tumambling ang mga barkada ko.

***

Akala ko hindi ko na mapapatawad ang friends ko for ruining my otherwise malanding araw. Imagine, Ylmaz na, nawala pa. I wasn't feeling good about myself anymore. I decided to skip dessert. Tama na din yun, less calories.

So may I walk kami outside the mall after lunch. Beso beso. Paalaman. Ang kaso, nauna silang lumabas. At sila ang kinilig. Si Ylmaz, nasa Starbucks pa... waiting. Ibinaba ko ang pagkakatali ng mahaba kong buhok at nag may I "walk walk fashion baby work it move that bitch crazy" ulit ako sa harap nya. This time, he did not try to hide it. Bonggang bonggang smile na ang binigay ng loko na halos ikamatay ng mga kasama ko.

My friends know when they're supposed to leave me alone. They all decided to say goodbye and I, I was left to buy myself coffee. So may I buy naman ako with a sole purpose - para makilala ko na si Ylmaz. Oo, ako na. Ako na si Rofa.

***

I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one holding my coffee. Pag labas ko ng pinto, lumakad ako sa malapit sa kinauupuan nya. I was just about to take the seat on the other table when I finally heard him say"

"Hi, why don't you join me?"

To be continued...

Last Full Show

Today is my last full day in Manila for this trip.

I'm having mixed feelings about leaving again. Damn. I really thought, this time, leaving the country would be a lot easier. Apparently, it's not. I will miss the sun - definitely. I will miss the food. I will miss how laid back my life has been during this trip. I will miss lazy days and nights filled with foodie meet ups with friends and buddies alike. I will miss how easy it is to meet new people here - how a smile can be more than a smile; a wink is a guarantee for a sleep over; and conversations are the bridges to new friendships.

I have met many of you for the first time during this trip and for that, I am grateful. Thank you for making time and for having the balls to meet me up. I may have disappointed some but I know I have made lasting impressions on many. Going back to chilly DC, I know that I will miss many of you, really.

To all the repeaters, I am happy to have seen you again.

To my dear friends, alagaan nyo ang sangkabaklaan ng Pilipinas habang lumalandi ako abroad.

To everyone I've met during this trip; to those I have desired; to everyone on my "to-do" list; to those I had planned to meet but never did; to those who had planned to see me but never had the time to do so; to everyone who cares, salamat. You all have made my first trip back home very memorable.

It is on this note that I bid the Philippines farewell again, for now.

Until next time, mahal ko po kayow!

Faux Pas

"Hi...", the text read.

It was from a known number: FB Patrick Manda 6. My electronic black book works and the iPhone stored our messages from way back. We had first started conversing on text January 2, 2009. It has been more than a year now. Patrick was a guy I met on IRC more than a year ago. I remember that I hesitated to meet him up then since it was already 4ish in the morning and I was already extremely sleepy. He must have sent me a picture or showed me a cam shot. I must have liked what I saw which would explain how his number landed on my phone and marked as such. I never heard from him again since.

***

I was supposed to meet someone else that afternoon but, plans had to change in favor of work. I fully understood. But, I was pissed. My schedule is ruined. I now had a vacancy and I needed to fill it quickly. Lucky for Mr. FB Patrick Manda 6, he texted me at the right time.

"Who's this please?", I replied.

He called. He sounded decent on the phone and I, I was still pissed at the cancellation of my earlier confirmed appointment. He told me that he worked in Makati as an IT consultant and that he was actually on his way to Ortigas to meet his mechanic before they go the guy's garage somewhere in Pasay. He wanted to meet me up along the way.

"'O sige, I think I have time. I'll meet you up in Podium", I told him.

"I'll be there soon.", he replied.

The plan was that I meet him up in Podium. He pulls up in his car. I get in. We go together to meet his mechanic. We go to Pasay. He gets his car fixed quickly. We grab dinner. Hang out and maybe, if the stars are aligned, have sex. I just needed a back up plan. He seemed like a good back up plan. A few minutes later, my phone rang.

"Tristan, I'm here na."

***

He had a cute face. He had braces and he wore a white vest on top of a yellow shirt. My eyes rolled. It was summer for crying out loud and he was wearing a vest? I ignored the pleats on his pants and the shoes - please don't get me started. I decided to let his fashion faux pas slide. The moment I locked the seat belt and closed the car door, things got pretty weird.

He talked funny - and no, not in a stand up comedian kind of way but, in a... hold on to your seats...

A parloristang tadpole na trying hard sa pag-i-english with matching extra H's and mispronounced F's and P's and extra S's kind of way. Puta^&^&*(^ na talaga! And he kept on grinning at me showing his teeth that seemed to have been on braces for years and years and years.

Sorry, I'm being mean. Blogger's Note: This description is by no means a disrespect to sisters in the hair and make up industry but, I just needed to give a quick description of who this guy is.

And he kept on telling me how wonderful it is in the Philippines and that he could take me anywhere I want. That he'd bring me to all the nicest restaurants in town. That he'd take me to bath houses and blue bars in Manila. Talk about GRO galore. While I appreciated the gesture, I did not want anything to do with it.

But, I was in his car and we were driving the side streets of Makati en route to Pasay. I can't exactly ask him to pull over and let me out. So many the tambays on the streets kaya! Plus, it was already getting dark. So I had to resort to a tried and tested plan.

***

Earlier that night, I asked a dear friend, John Stanley to save me, just in case I needed to be saved. I told him I'd send him a message if the guy turns out to be something less desirable. He would call me and tell me that I needed to be somewhere else. I would then have to make sure that the guy hears it and voila, I'm free. It was a fool proof plan, or so I thought.

And so I did send that SOS message.

"Stuck in a bad date. Save me. Please."

We passed Paseo de Roxas in Makati. No response. I sent it to Dr. Mc Fitch who was probably doing his rounds. No response. We had already left Makati. I sent it to another non-blogger friend. No response. Damn. I was already in panic.

All was lost when I saw the car take on the side streets of Pasay. I resigned myself to the fate of suffering the company of this freak who keeps on touching my legs while driving and also make sexual innuendoes along the way. This is so gonna be date rape. OMFG.

***

But, just like all true friends, the calls came in. One after the other. John Stanley was taking a shower when the plea for help came in. McFitch was out jogging. My dear lady friend was out with her hubby. Still, the plan helped me get out of an otherwise freaky night.

"O sige, I'll meet you guys up: 8:30 PM in Greenbelt"

***

He dropped me off at Greenbelt as I had requested. He asked to hold my hands. I puked when he told me that he'd treasure the memories we had. He asked me to call him if and when the dinner ends early so he can drive me back to my hotel. As I was about to close the car door, he told me:

"Tristan, I'd never forget this night."

To which I replied, smiling:

"Me too. I will never forget this night."

***

I have never walked away from anyone that fast ever. I saw Greenbelt in a different kind of light. It was my refuge. I basked in the anonymity that the crowd brought. But, I could never be too sure. I quickly boarded the first cab I saw. I went to my hotel, secured my belongings, locked the doors and went to sleep. Talk about, freaked out. This morning, I checked my phone and, as expected, there it was: another message:

"I had fun last night. Good morning."

Put&^*%(*%na!!!

TGI Malate Friday!

Well, it has been four days since my last post and, in my world, that has been one hell of a blog holiday. Needless to say, I have been busy. I met several groups of friends one after the other - all trying to squeeze some quality time with yours trulili before I fly back to the States five days from today. But, last Friday, I partied like crazy.

***

I had a grand time in Bed with fellow bloggers. There, I finally met Ian who celebrated his birthday along with the a-ultimate gay celebrity, the McVie. Needless to say, I had fun partying with them and a few more bloggers in the club. I met the ever so pa-virgin Carrie (and friends) who flew all the way from the land of lah to party with us. Then, there was London Boy who was there together with the future of pokpok kind (aka tomorrow) - his identity will be revealed soon. Naks. I also (finally!) met one of my dear readers from the school of "like" who was there dancing his heart out in the club. Kita mo nga naman! And of course, it was so wonderful to see my dear friend, Galen, whom I have not seen for the longest time. Who knew that we would already have someone in common? Sino pa, sino pa?!? Haha.

But, the highlight of that night was when I tried something new - O Bar. There, I jiggled and mingled with the cool kids - Kane, E and their "very nice to look at, lovely to hold" friends. It was during this short span of time when I got to try something different - Tanduay Ice. It is indeed lurve. I had so much fun that night that I did not realize that I was, in Kane's words, already "nagwawala". Mahal ko na si Kane. Haha

***

I also remember the future pokpok of the Republic telling me, after he realized that everyone else in our group had already hooked up with at least one soul - except for yours trulili, that: "ikaw na lang inaantay namin..." . Talk about peer pressure! Haha. Pero kasi naman, it has never been my style to hook up in the clubs - drink and dance lang talaga ko, promise. But, if only to show my protege how easy it is for yours trulili (aka yesterday) to actually hook up if I wanted to, I did a quick demo.

There, sitting in one corner of the club, was my target. I had been eyeing him since earlier that night when I first saw him dancing with his friends on the ledge. He was slim, bespectacled and he wore a tight-fitting striped white long sleeved shirt. He was my a-ultimate twinkie for the night. He looked young - and I was right, he had just stepped out of the university - some nice guy from the province of sili finally made his way to city. We got talking. Within a few minutes, we had exchanged numbers with the hope of meeting up before I leave. Tapos ang usapan. Simple lang naman kung gugustuhin. Booked.

As I was having breakfast the following morning, I received a call from my twinkie confirming a schedule. May mga naaksidente nga kanina sa haba ng buhok ko, I swear.

***

The weekend that was would forever remain as one of the more fun weekends I have spent in Malate. After saying my goodbyes to good friends that night, I hailed a cab and directed the cabbie to my hotel. As the cab passed by the now people-filled streets of early morning Malate, I whispered a silent promise to come back with a vengeance. Humanda kayo next year, magpa-practice muna ako. Haha.

Welcome Back, Tristan

One fine sunny day, I decided to go to the gym. The place looked the same - a little worn - but, still the same. I saw some familiar faces some of whom immediately recognized who I was. Some trainers were quick to say hi - I was once their favorite poster boy anyway. Haha.

So I walked. Then, I ran. Lifted. Pulled. Pushed. After an hour or so of playing pretend, I decided to call it a day. I quickly unplugged my iPod, got my towel and started walking towards the nearby lockers. I took off my shoes and socks followed by my shirt. I was half-naked standing in front of my half-open locker when he came in.

I was speechless. I did not know how to react. He looked at me and immediately, he remembered who I was. I smiled. He smiled back.

"Uy tol, kamusta na?", he asked.

"Ok lang... ikaw?", I replied.

"Ayos lang. Long time, no see ah..."

"Ah yeah, I've been away for a few months."

He had that grin to his face. I shook my head and smiled. Deep inside, I was giggling. Isipin mo nga naman, may impact pala ko. Haha. He decided to take the locker opposite to mine and started to undress. He kept on looking at me while doing so. First his shirt, then his pants. He stood before me wearing his undies. I pretended not to notice the bulge - the bulge that I have come to be quite familiar with. I must admit, he still looked good - very tempting if I may say so. His muscles were now more defined.

"Shower muna ko tol...", he said to break the ice.

"Yeah sure, sunod ako.", I replied.

"Sige, see you..."

I got my shower stuff and made my way to the shower. After a quick wash, I went to the sauna. He was already there, smiling. There was no one else in the room. He was grinning like a mad man. He asked me to sit beside him. Yun na.

"Alam mo, I never got your name...", he eventually told me.

"Ako din. Tristan 'tol."

"I'm B.", he replied.

"Kunin ko number mo later... tapos take home mo ko..."

I laughed. Take home daw, parang Jollibee lang.

"Today? I have dinner plans...", I said.

"No, di ngayon... hindi din pwede... nasa taas ang wife ko."

Naman.

I Miss You Like Crazy

"Punta ko..."

It was Adik. I smiled. I knew the purpose of the visit. It was his usual line so it goes without saying that this visit was indeed a true blue booty call.

"Yeah sure, nasa gym lang ako. Pauwi na din.", I replied.

So I started getting dressed. Adik, as usual, had good timing. I was actually thinking of something to do. He was my someone to do. A few minutes later, Adik was already at my door. He had his usual grin.

"Uy kamusta?"

"Pasok ka..."

"Saan?", he asked.

"Tarantado!"

He hugged me tight.

"Kamusta ka na!!!", he was so excited.

"Ganun pa din... tapos eto, bakasyon agad... hehe", I replied.

He placed his bag on the nearby desk and went directly to bed. Kamustahan muna. He then started asking me stuff: stuff that I have been doing the last few days; the things I still intended to do; stuff that he wanted to ask me in person. More importantly, Adik had something else to tell me:

"Aalis na ko next week...", he finally said.

"Aww... saan? Kelan? May date na?"

"Sa ____. Mga Tuesday... basta pag dumating na ticket."

Adik was relocating somewhere in the Philippines, far from the metro... very far - for work. I can sense he was a little scared of the move. I can sense he was undergoing the same anxieties I experienced before I left the country.

"Don't worry, you'll be fine...", I assured him.

"Yeah... basta bahala na.", he replied.

"Tara, dinner muna tayo...", he continued.

Aba nagyayang mag-dinner! Kakaiba ito. For a moment, I was confused. Adik and I never met outside my house. We have never been together beyond the sack. But, just before I left, I had sensed some changes in Adik. He became more intimate. He then started opening up to me while I was away. He became a friend during the times of extreme sadness. Pinapatawa ko nito kahit malayo and he never left me hanging - not even during the worst of times - kahit confused na confused na sya.

We later found ourselves at a Japanese restaurant - different from the usual place I go to. He loved Japanese pala and wanted to try out my favorite restaurant - the place where J worked - I convinced him to try another place. He's totally clueless about J kasi and I wanted to keep it that way. Besides, I would definitely have a hard time flirting with J if we had gone there, d ba?

Over dinner, he told me stories. He told me how difficult it had been for him to talk to someone else while I was away. He told me that he relied heavily on prayers. Naman! He told me he wanted to ask me stuff but I was almost always not available online. He told me that there was basically no one he could talk to about the other side of his world. He told me that there was this guy...

I felt a tinge of sadness when he finally told me his story. Adik had finally found someone - someone he could hang out with - after me. I can sense how happy he was with the new guy but, at the same time, he was so confused. He was in a very unfamiliar territory.

"Oi Adik, date to ah...", he told me.

"Aba! At kelan mo pa ko di-nate?", I retorted.

"Ngayon... namiss kita eh..."

Ay, I miss you like crazy lang? Haha.

Oh Yes!

I was on the phone with a blogger-friend this morning doing my usual morning pep talk (and, at the same time, getting my daily "lumandi-sa-pogi" dose) when I heard myself say:

"You know what, there will come a point in your life when you'd feel secure about who you are and what you have that you don't really need to prove anything to anyone, including yourself."

Tama ang reaction nya: "where did that come from?" Kahit ako medyo nagulat sa sinabi ko. Even if my response was directly related to the topic that we were discussing, I still wondered where that daily dose of wisdom came from. I immediately brushed it off and told him that it was probably the alcohol talking and maybe the fact that I have had zero sleep overnight. A few minutes later, we ended the conversation.

While I was taking a shower, I realized one thing: I am finally there.

Blogger's Note: To everyone who bothered to say something on my birthday, thank you for your kind words. At ikaw pogi, tatanda ka din! Haha.

Oh No!

I woke up today with a woman in my bed and she was not me. On my most dreaded day of my entire life, I woke up next to a woman in my bed... and she snored. Oh no!

***

I scanned the now-sunlit room and tried to remember what had happened. White sheets everywhere. My head is spinning. My body aches. I checked myself - my pututuy was not his usual self. Oh no!

What happened last night? Where was I? Who am I?

I immediately rushed to the bathroom and washed my face. I then looked at myself in the mirror. Damn, I'm still so hot. I checked again. Yes, I still looked the same - no obvious wrinkle marks, no extra gray hair, no to the seven signs of skin aging. I breathed a sigh of relief.

But, what's going on? Why can't it be? Why can't be the two of us? I almost blurted out into a song. And then I remembered. I had met the woman the night before - and yes, there was another guy. Oh no!

Did I just? Oh my gawd...

As I started making my way back to the bed, I recognized the faces partially hidden under the white sheets. It was then when I screamed.

"Hoy mga bakla, gising na... birthday ko na!"

Blogger's Note: I was with a couple of friends last night and we had the a-ultimate food trip in Ortigas. Umapaw ang cholesterol and my first birthday cake had a pink candle. It was fun. And yes, one of them was a woman - who still wants to marry me. Nagdouble layer of underwear na lang ako just to make sure. Never again. Haha.

Virginally Yours, Tristan

The other day, my friend, K, and I had dinner somewhere in the metro. It was great to see K again after so many months. Since I wanted Japanese that night, I invited K to go to this nice restaurant which I used to frequent when I was still based in Manila. Apart from the nice food they serve, the waiters there were cute.

We were seated the moment we got there. Dinner was not about to start until after an hour so there were very few people in the restaurant. We placed our orders and started chatting about life, love and everything in between. O was our waiter for the night and he was cute - but he was not as cute as my usual wait staff, J. I looked around the restaurant - J was not there. I wanted to ask O where J was but I hesitated. Pa-virgin ako e.

Dinner was served and we started partaking the delicious Japanese meal before us. In between sips of tea and mouthfuls of sushi, I still wondered where J was. Had he been laid off? If so, where is he? You see, J and I shared a special connection. Every single time I would eat at that restaurant, J would always be there. He would always have this special smile just for me - even my friends whom I have invited there before had noticed. J was a flirt and I had always flirted back. But, I had made it a point not to mess around with him - probably dahil pa-virgin talaga ako.

While I was just about to start on my tempura, out of the blue, J appeared. He looked my way and immediately recognized who I was. I, of course, had forgotten his name. All I remember was that he was my cute wait staff whom I have always flirted with. J greeted me and flashed that oh-so-wonderful smile. I smiled back. My friend K could not believe what he saw.

"Tris, ano yun?", he asked.

I grinned.

"Wala lang..."

And then I giggled.

I could see J throwing glances at our table while we struggled to finish what was left on our table. K was so intrigued by what he had seen that he started to pry.

"So may nangyari na senyo?", he asked.

"Wala no!", I replied.

"Weh..."

"Oo nga, malinis ako no!"

After dinner, K and I left the restaurant. J was not around. I knew where to find him - he was by the escalator handing out brochures and inviting people to come and eat at their restaurant. I had a plan. That night, I was to finally book J. Bakit ba, bakasyonista na lang ako no! I started walking ahead of K. Hindi naman ako masyadong excited ano?

I was right. J was at the exact place where I first met him. The moment he saw me, he nodded and threw a series of smiles. Nanginig na naman ang tumbong ko. This is it. I approached J and asked him how he was.

"Buti, andito ka pa..."

"Oo sir, tagal mo di nagpakita ah..."

He noticed pala. I giggled. Lumakas lalo ang loob ko.

"Uy, ano number mo?", I asked casually.

He scratched his head and smiled. He hesitated. I felt it. But, he was still smiling. I had already lost interest. You see, I rarely go after those who do not want to be chased. Sayang lang ang efforts ko.

"O sige, nevermind. See you around...", I finally told him.

Talunan ang lolo nyo. I can feel my confidence level drop a notch. There's no more point in living. Haha.

"Shit, puta*&*(&+^%*&%$na!!!"

It was my first epic failure in my two weeks in Manila.

***

The following day, I was back at the same mall. I had planned to get my hair cut from B, my wonderful "hair stylish" when I saw him again at his regular spot. Lunch was just about to start so I knew that he was gonna be there. I planned to ignore him. And I did.

After the hair cut, I passed by J again on my way to the escalators. He saw me as I was just about to get off the escalator. He smiled. Hindi ko kayang mandedma ng cute so I smiled back. But, I passed by him. Instead, I went inside the store where I bought my professor a nice tie as a pasalubong. After buying the freakin' tie, I passed by J again. He started the conversation.

"Sir, kamusta?"

"Ok naman... ikaw?"

" Ok lang... pasensya na kahapon ah... nagulat kasi ko..."

"Weh... mahina lang talaga ko sa yo...", I retorted.

"Hindi naman sir, wala kasi akong cellphone. Nanakaw."

"Style mo...", I replied.

"Hindi nga sir, kung may calling card ka dyan, tawagan na lang kita mamaya...", he suggested.

"Wala akong card..."

"Eh hingin ko na lang number mo, tapos tawagan kita..."

I flipped my long blonde curly hair and batted my long eyelashes. Tumagilid ako ng konti at nag-pose before I flashed my close up smile. I gave him my number and he wrote it down.

"Ano nga ulit name mo, sir?", J asked.

"Tristan."

***

I was having my usual latte at the cafe just outside the gym when my phone beeped. I took out my phone from my pocket and read the message. It was there when I finally let out a giggle.

"Tristan, si J to... kita tayo..."

Just A Thought

The world always has a way of telling us when the right time has come to do something. It is often up to us to recognize the signs and take the first steps forward. If we fail to do so, these things will forever remain at the back of our heads, often appearing in the most obscure of times. I have learned that we just cannot run away from everything all the time.

You may have never noticed this but, not too long ago, I decided to run away from everything, too. I am a closet-escapist, I know, and sometimes, I wonder what could have happened if I had stayed on. But, I chose to love myself a bit more and run - much like how you liked to do things. I did not regret doing so.

But, your memory lingers on. There are days when I still recall what had happened in the few magical days and nights that we were connected. Sadly, there would be days, much like today, when I would find myself lost amidst the confusion that this world brings - these would be the days when I look for you and you're not around. I would then find myself blocking off my memories of you with another layer of reality - with the hope that this extra layer would be strong enough to buy me a few more days of courage. But, that's just all there is to it - another layer of self-denial and a few more days of not thinking about you.

I am tired of running away. I am ready to end this.

Stylish

I was out with a friend earlier today when we found ourselves at a local shirt store - the one where gay guys go to buy overpriced, almost-transluscent but, "fashionable" shirts from gorgeous gay guys wearing extremely tight pants. The view in that store alone was already worth the trip.

Inside the store, there were at least three gorgeous male attendants. One was at the counter, two on the floor. Sadly, a lady attendant approached us first. Ok na din. She then helped me pick out some shirts to try on. I decided to go for three shirts: yellow, aqua and salmon. As I was on my way to the fitting room, I couldn't help but notice the guy behind the counter. He was as tall as I was with very manly features. His pants were so tight that I really liked the view from where I standing. He looked like someone I'd go for in an instant. Almost.

I fitted the shirts but they did not feel right on my gorgeous sexy body so I told the attendant that I was not getting them. She was just to happy to help me out since she has been laughing her guts out ever since I arrived in the store. I think I have this uncanny ability to crack sales ladies up. Ugh. We continued with the charade while we waited for my friend to finish trying on a conservative black and a blue striped shirt.

I scouted the store for my eye candy. I focused my attention on the cute guy at the counter. I smiled and he smiled back.

"Sir, wala ka nagustuhan?"

"Wala eh, maganda lang sa display, bakat ang nipples ko pag suot ko.", I replied.

He laughed. It was then when the other guy came over and started chatting up my counter boy. At dahil chismoso ako, I listened while they conversed.

"Sir, may nagpunta dito kanina stylist daw ni Regine...", floor attendant said.

"Ah talaga? So "stylish" ni Regine?", it was my cute counter boy.

I almost choked. Benefit of the doubt: nabingi lang ako. But, I was wrong.

"Hindi sir, stylist."

"Ha? s-t-y-l-i-s-h?", counter guy asked.

Gusto kong tumambling. I wanted to butt in but, I stopped myself. I continued to listen.

"Stylist. i-s-t... parang "specialist" lang", the floor attendant explained.

"So hindi "stylish"..."

"Iba yun, tao yun pag "stylish"... yung kanina "stylist"."

It was a really long and painful conversation. It was at that moment when my friend came out of the dressing room. He saw me trying to control myself from laughing.

"Tristan, ok ka lang?"

"Ah yeah... I'm good... mamaya na...", I replied.

When we left the store, I saw B, from the salon I used to go to. He was just too happy to see me. I was too. I told him that I'm gonna see him in the next few days to have my hair cut.

"Tristan, sino yun, kilala mo?", my friend asked.

"Ah yeah, hair stylish ko."

Haha. Ansama ko, I swear.

Wish, Blow and Smile

Three days from now, on the 6th, I'll turn twenty five again. And yes, I am blogging about it to let you guys know in advance so you can greet me (and send me gifts, ask me out to dinner, and offer a candle to blow). Sorry, I don't do subtle reminders - it's just not me. Haha.

Last year, I spent the day with K in one of those family spas (or so they claim). While it may be true that I have been pampered quite well during that retreat, I was not myself. I was then quite preoccupied with a lot of things - well, just one thing really - click here - but, it's over now. I am still alive and I survived the fall so I guess I am fine. Sadly, he died along the way.

This year, I have no big plans for my birthday - at least none yet. Personally, I'd like to party and I am leaning towards partying south of the metro (at makipagkita sa pogi, haha)... if only I know where to go... *wink*wink* Or I could probably just go soul searching somewhere but, whose soul I'll find is another question. Then there's the option to just stay in the metro and pass the time - with whom, I don't know. Or I could just go home to the province and be with the family - and spend time wishing that I was somewhere else.

No one should turn twenty five again and not celebrate it. I need to finalize the plan - ASAP - but, I am really stuck. Oh and I don't think I have enough candles to blow, any volunteers?

Wanted: Perfect Boyfriend

The other day, my dad and I were talking about life and love and everything in between. Actually, we were talking about my life and my sister's love life. You see, my love life has been off the table for discussion since the the day my mom found out that I had a crush on this girl in school. My entire family kept on teasing me until I totally clammed up. Since then, they have never heard anything from me on love. As far as they were concerned, ako ay isang bato... virgin na bato. Haha.

My dad was telling me that my sister now has (finally) a boyfriend. I have known the story for sometime now only because my sister decided to open up to me after I noticed her being extra giggly over YM a few months ago. I have seen the guy on picture and I think "mabait naman sya...". If only I could show my sister how it's done. Ugh.

"Tristan, alam mo bang may boyfriend na kapatid mo?"

I nodded.

"Yeah, sinabi sa kin dati pa... Ok naman, mukhang mabait."

"Nakilala mo na?", he asked.

Duh.

"Hindi pa, pero sabi ko ipakilala sa inyo..."

"Eh hindi pa nga pinapakilala eh...", my dad said.

I paused for a while.

"Eh Tay, hindi naman lahat ng boyfriend pwede ipakilala eh... baka hindi pa seryoso, d ba?"

My dad shook his head.

"Hindi tama yun. Dapat ipakilala sa pamilya ang boyfriend."

My eyes lit up.

"Okay... sabi nyo eh..."

Now, my problem is: sino ang ipapakilala kong boyfriend?