It took us one month but we finally did it. Again.
The neighbor and I have shared a decent amount of time in each other's lives - give or take half a year. And yes, we have had our ups and I have had my downs. It started with a harmless "appointment" that blossomed into regular breakfast sex and eventually turned into what my friends call "us dating". But, in the last month, it was made clear that we were not headed towards that general direction. We were, if he would have his way, "friends" and "neighbors" - his classier way of calling us forever "fuck buddies".
And this got me thinking. In the last ten years of me having sexual relations with guys, I have successfully managed to compartmentalize my boys into one of three major categories: "boys I love", "boys I am friends with", and "boys who fuck me". It's much easier that way. And, for the first time, some guy, i.e. my neighbor wants to blur the lines between my boxes. It has been quite confusing. Why blur the lines?
As I sucked his dick once again after a month of not doing so, I felt a bit sad. It did not feel right. It was not special anymore. I was still sucking the same dick. I was still licking the same body (which is really not too shabby by the way) but it was not the same. It felt like I was just doing some random guy I had just met on Grindr. At that moment, it felt like he was just a dick. A human dildo. It was cathartic.
After the deed, I found myself in bed. I was laying there alone. He had already gone by the time I started over thinking things. Again. Was I ever gonna be happy with a human dildo? Was I ever gonna be happy with another friend? Will it ever be possible for me to be friends with someone I fuck? So many questions during the prime of my life. I think it's such a waste.
So I figured, I'd go back to my boxes. I conveniently stuck my neighbor in the "boys I fuck" box. He can call it what he wants - friends with benefits, fuck buddies, neighbors - I am slowly not giving a damn. As for me, I will, for a very long time, think of him fondly as "someone that, at some point, I saw myself loving, but from hereinafter, will just be my human dildo who thinks I am his friend." Now if that is not an appropriate label, then I don't know what is.