It took us one month but we finally did it. Again.
The neighbor and I have shared a decent amount of time in each other's lives - give or take half a year. And yes, we have had our ups and I have had my downs. It started with a harmless "appointment" that blossomed into regular breakfast sex and eventually turned into what my friends call "us dating". But, in the last month, it was made clear that we were not headed towards that general direction. We were, if he would have his way, "friends" and "neighbors" - his classier way of calling us forever "fuck buddies".
And this got me thinking. In the last ten years of me having sexual relations with guys, I have successfully managed to compartmentalize my boys into one of three major categories: "boys I love", "boys I am friends with", and "boys who fuck me". It's much easier that way. And, for the first time, some guy, i.e. my neighbor wants to blur the lines between my boxes. It has been quite confusing. Why blur the lines?
As I sucked his dick once again after a month of not doing so, I felt a bit sad. It did not feel right. It was not special anymore. I was still sucking the same dick. I was still licking the same body (which is really not too shabby by the way) but it was not the same. It felt like I was just doing some random guy I had just met on Grindr. At that moment, it felt like he was just a dick. A human dildo. It was cathartic.
After the deed, I found myself in bed. I was laying there alone. He had already gone by the time I started over thinking things. Again. Was I ever gonna be happy with a human dildo? Was I ever gonna be happy with another friend? Will it ever be possible for me to be friends with someone I fuck? So many questions during the prime of my life. I think it's such a waste.
So I figured, I'd go back to my boxes. I conveniently stuck my neighbor in the "boys I fuck" box. He can call it what he wants - friends with benefits, fuck buddies, neighbors - I am slowly not giving a damn. As for me, I will, for a very long time, think of him fondly as "someone that, at some point, I saw myself loving, but from hereinafter, will just be my human dildo who thinks I am his friend." Now if that is not an appropriate label, then I don't know what is.
12 comments:
Now if that's not "It's complicated," I don't know what is!
there is something the way you write nowadays...
your words seem...hmmm... straightforward...
Tristieee, I agree with Geek! Something is changing. Hmmmmm
I love the label. "someone that, at some point, I saw myself loving, but from hereinafter, will just be my human dildo who thinks I am his friend." Hahaha Can I say; you are such a rascal hahahaa.
On a serious note, I think I am more like your neighbor; in the sense that I can actually fuck with people I also consider as friends.
I suppose we all feel differently about these things. Cheers to your newly rediscovered fuck buddy. May it last as long as you want.
Kane
Think you should ditch him :) Force yourself to say no, guarantee you would feel better. I did it and by golly it was liberating. :)
Totoo ba yan..l.
Mahirap din pala ang maging masyadong maganda! Naguguluhan na!lol
Hi!
I've read your blogs about your neighbour and I think you're better off without him. I, too, have been in that situation (though not with a neighbour), and boy was it hard.
I met this man who I thought was really perfect, I felt completely comfortable with him. I am quite shy and he helped me become confident, he showed me things that I never knew of and he made me feel that feeling that I thought I'd never feel: he made me feel appreciated and needed. He said to me that he enjoyed my company and that he has never met anyone who he was really comfortable with as he was with me.
We lived a couple of hours away from each other and both lived busy lives but we spent quite a lot of time together and are constantly on the phone. We talked about everything...everything but the 'formalities of what we had'.
It took me a while to muster the courage to ask him, but I had been dropping hints at him to make him feel that I was ready to take the next step. I gave him all the chances to tell me how he felt but the time just wasn't right, I thought to myself.
Thinking back, I think I was making excuses for him: he was going away to Spain for a year for uni, he had yet to settle something with his ex, he had some minor health issues and he had to work whilst in Spain, the list went on. I kept telling myself that maybe the time just wasn't right. It took me a while to realise that if he did feel the same way I felt about him, all those things really wouldn't stop him from 'taking the next step'. It didn't stop me: I was away from my family, had very few friends, full-time student and working all the days that I was off uni. I was willing to take the chance with him and when I finally asked him what we were, he just gave me a very vague answer. After that, I started to realise that I was investing too much emotions on him and although he said he liked me, he still didn't like me enough to try and make something out of what we had. It was not easy realising that but I knew it was the right thing to do.
We met one more time after that conversation, it didn't feel quite right. He asked me what was wrong but I just could not tell him, we were inches, maybe even centimetres, away from each other on the bed but still he felt so close yet so far.
The day after, we said goodbye... for him it was just 'see you later', for me it was 'thank you for all the great memories but I really have to go now, I have loved you and now I think it's time that I need to look out for myself'.
It was not easy, believe me. It was one of the hardest things I have done but looking back at it now, I don't think I'll be this happy if I did not go through all that pain and suffering.
I hope you'll be alright, I know you will be. It might hurt but in the long run, it is for the best... for you.
All the best,
Eric
Good for you, you are over him!
Next time he "asks for it" Say no, hold it for as long as you can and "that" what he is missing will definitely lure him back to you. Ewan ko nalang ko di ka hahanap-hanapin nya.
If you're too available he myt NOT onsider you. Be unavailable, then see what that myt do...
Just saying d:)
Just saying d:)
I was in the same situation before. I mistook lust for love. Apparently, when you realize the difference, it hits you like a ton of bricks.
You deserve better. Someone who wont see you just as a piece of meat. Someone who wont make you feel compromised.
I also agree with Geek. There's something different about the way you write now. It's more raw and exposed. It's a side of you we never get to see, really.
How vulnerable we can be when we thought everything will work out but can't...
So the question Tristan is, will you call for him again, soon?
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